For a year now I have clung to hope. Hope for W and I. Today, I did not cry. The first day in months I haven’t cried. In fact, I cannot remember a day I haven’t cried in a long, long time. Today is not over, but I don’t feel on the verge of tears like I have for a very long time. That is because the hope and expectations I had for W and I have come to a creeping halt. I can’t be hurt anymore by my expectations anymore. I can’t be hurt by my hope. I have come to terms with some hard truths that I had been trying to deny myself for months. Today, as I was chatting with The Agony of Being the Other Woman I realized some of what has been holding me me back in my journey to move on for a while.
Being the OW is like no other relationship. It isn’t like a normal relationship. The way us women end up here is because of the pure passion and often times intimacy we share with these men. We wouldn’t be the OW for any other reason, than we feel the love is so great it pulls us there without choice. This is great, right? To find a man that completes us, finishes our sentences, totally accepts us…we have been waiting for this our whole lives, right? He’s so awesome and we can’t understand how his wife couldn’t appreciate this. No! This isn’t so great, because… You can only go so far in these realationships. This huge love you share can only grow so far. The very nature of being the OW means there is no place in his life for us, unless you like being in the shadows. Marriage, by its definition doesn’t leave a place for us. Marriage, doesn’t allow them to be there for us, to communicate with us like we would like, grow old with us, spend holidays with us, buy us gifts or build futures with us. Because they are married we get parts of them, parts of their life..the parts they have left after he freely gives himself to everybody else. We wait for scraps, the bare minimum.
We are not their lives, or priority. These men can live without us, and they will live without us, if forced to choose. There is no way to have a “normal” and “healthy” relationship with a man who is married. There is no natural course for the relationship to take. He must leave his marriage and make himself available to you to do so. Don’t get your hopes up, this rarely, almost never happens. It is more likely that you will find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It doesn’t matter what he says. It doesn’t matter if he thinks and says you are his soul mate, or that he can’t live without you. Did he leave his wife to be with you, the one he can’t live without and claims he is deeply and madly in love with? Has he made you the woman who is by his side? Has he taken the steps to give your relationship legitimation and validation? Did he respect you enough to not make you the OW, or keep you as the OW? Nope! Know why? Because you are the OW. By simply allowing yourself to be the OW, he lost respect for you. You accept less than you should, so he sees that as permission to treat you as less than you deserve. The longer you remain the OW the less likely he is to leave. Don’t hate me, hate the statistics. He won’t leave. They don’t. Yes, you feel like you are different. We all do. Because no woman would enter into this type of lopsided relationship for a mediocre love. No woman would subject herself to the hardships this kind of relationship takes on their soul, heart and moral intergrity for something that feels lukewarm.
Yes, you sacrifice. Yes, you gave up meeting other men who are available and can be happy with… in hopes that one day he will appreciate and value you. He will never value you until you value yourself. We have given them full cart blanche to treat as less, because we accept less.
During my conversation with The Agony of Being the Other Woman she was wondering why her realtionship didn’t feel like it had truly ended. She felt like it wasn’t really over. I think, it is because we never have the opportunity in these relationships to let them run their natural course. In normal relationships they can evolve. If you find that you are madly in love with each other you can grow in your relationship..You can live together, spend weekends and holidays together, get married, be part of each other’s families…If at some point you find it isn’t working after all efforts you can break up/divorce, or you can thrive and live happily ever after and your relationship ends when one of you dies…But either way the relationship has a way to have a natural ending. One in which closure can be felt, and you can say we gave it our all, or it was a good run. When it ends because someone’s marriage was a stubbling block, it leave a lot of what ifs, and you always wonder if he wasn’t married could you have truly made it work. Of course, you think the two of you could have made it work or you wouldn’t be the OW. You will always be left with that hanging over your head, because you were denied the opportunity to let it play out, because of his marriage. As the OW you are denied the a natural relationship with a natural ending. You will never know the closure that comes with knowing both of you gave it your all and it just wasn’t meant to be, and you exhausted all efforts. That is denied to you when you are the OW. It ends because you either can’t take being courtside, or his wife discovers the affair, thus making the decision for both of you, or he cannot continue because he is over his head,etc…but it never ends because you and he gave it your all and it just didn’t work out Know why? Because he was never available for that kind of relationship. Not only are we denied a full relationship, but we are also denied an ending with full closure.
For me, I am feeling hopeful. I have sat in the wings for so long. The greater the distance between W and I gets, and the more reality sets in and hope is lost, the more I feel ready to get out there. I have found hope and excitement at the thought of dating again. Finding a man that I can I connect with that is available to be mine. Hope…for something outside of W is something I haven’t felt in a long time. But as I let go a bit more every day, I feel some vacant, valuable real estate space in my heart that is ready to try again, that is still hopeful to find the right guy. I found hope again, but it isn’t for the future that I thought was to be mine and W’s, it is for a new future that has room to take root and grow. I am on the brink of greatness. All the changes in my life the past year are leading me a great direction. I am actually beginning to look forward to the idea of a first date, with a single man. 🙂
Relationship Rambles 
I really like and very inspired…
Yay! I’m glad. That makes me smile. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Were going to make it through this and gain so much from freeing up that real estate our former MM squatted on….so very excited for all of us…well written
I hope so. I really hope so.
Thanks. )
I feel your pain and loss… Thanks for your honesty and here’s to available hearts being open to attract other available hearts
It has been a huge loss and there has been unbelievable sorow. I still feel it. I am not out of the woods.
Yes, to available hearts!!! 🙂
Thanks for reading and commenting.
“When it ends because someone’s marriage was a stubbling block”. That gave me a good chuckle. Someone’s marriage was a stumbling block?! Ya’ think?!
But seriously, I’m curious as to why you wrote:
“It ends because you either can’t take being courtside, or his wife discovers the affair”
Why do you think the affair has to end if his wife finds out? Shouldn’t that be the beginning for the OW and her MM? Now that his wife -the frigid, heartless shrew whom he doesn’t love and hasn’t had sex with in years – knows that her husband is in love with another woman, why wouldn’t he end the charade, finally divorce her and chose you?
I’m not being sarcastic. I’d really like to know.
When I wrote this I wasn’t writing from my own experience, and I was also writing during a time of extreme pain at that time and from what I had learned from other’s experience. W’s wife has never discovered the affair. However, I have met several other OW and this has been the case for them. I will say I have also been the betrayed partner (I was engaged at the time), and that statement wasn’t true for me as the BP. When I discovered the affair, because the OW called and told me, it did end for a while, but then it started back up again within a year. My relationship ended there because he got another woman pregnant, one that wasn’t the original OW.
I would have never thought I would be where I am right now. I didn’t know he was married for quite a while when we met, and to be real honest, this experience has been a real learning experience and has given me a lot of insight as to how I became the BP to begin with and made me feel some compassion for all involved. It isn’t as simple as I would have liked to think when I was the one betrayed.
I don’t think his wife is frigid or heartless. He doesn’t either, he simply says that they have grown apart and outgrown each other and have become like strangers living in the house. He doesn’t speak poorly of her character ever, which I actually admire about him. In fact, I think she is probably a lovely person, and from what I can tell it seems like she has been unhappy for a long time. They have done many things over the years to remedy their unhappiness and have not been successful. I don’t blame her for his unhappiness and I don’t blame him for hers, and neither does he. I don’t think they interact a lot, because for over a year now he has been in almost constant contact with me either via text or phone almost from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed at night every day, with the exception of the 3 weeks we didn’t communicate. Additionally, he doesn’t seem concerned about being in public or introducing me to work associates. For him, it isn’t about leaving his marriage, it is more about facing his children, who are mostly grown adults. He is a person who thrives on approval and appreciation. The idea of telling his children he is turning everyone’s world upside down simply because mom and dad aren’t happy is something he struggles with. He would like to seek counseling to get help on how to best help everyone through the transition period. I personally think that is a good idea. I also think that if you know that your marriage is beyond repair, and that you have tried everything to fix it, you shouldn’t be held in a marriage where no one is happy. That is where he is at, that is where she is too. I know from experience that pulling that trigger, where you flip everyone’s life upside down, is easier said than done. I would be the first one to walk away if he told me there was a chance for his marriage to survive.
I really am hoping for the best for his wife, and so is he. I didn’t start the affair knowing he was married, but you are correct I continued when I knew he was married. I don’t make any excuses for that. However, I have had many friends in his shoes, myself included, and I have empathy and compassion for what they (he and his wife) are both going through. I know that many people won’t understand nor do understand, but I do. If I were to be real honest, some of the things he says about how uninterested she has seemed and how uninvolved she is in his life, I wonder if she is not having an affair too. Just having been through this, some of what he says send up red flags about that. It could also be that she has just given up trying after years of trying to make their marriage work. There is definitely something going on there, but only the two people in the marriage ever really know the truth.
Oh, and to answer your question…W and I actually spoke of this recently. I asked him if his wife found out what he would do. He said that would be the end of their marriage. Not because he thinks she is frigid or a heartless shrew (neither of us would ever call her that, nor do we think that), but because that is a part of his life that is truly over. He is in the process of leaving, but he is doing it with compassion and empathy for all involved. I have chosen to wait by his side and be patient while he does what he needs to do for his family right now. And btw, I also respect the fact that when he leaves, that is the mother of his children and was his wife, I would never speak poorly of her. If you have read something in my blog that you think would suggest that, it was not written with the intent to hurt her or put her down, because I don’t feel that way, nor do I feel that way about any BSs. In fact, in one post I know I stated that I understood why she might be uninterested and uninvolved. I was actually siding with her.
I have kept my blog a place of honest exchange of ideas, support and information. So, I would be glad to communicate with you as long as things are an exchange of ideas. Thank you for taking the time to communicate with me and reading my blog.
It would be nice if it were as simple as just choosing between flavors of ice cream but unfortunately it is more complicated than this.
Although most men and women elect to remain in their marriage their choice is not based just upon the flavors. There is comfort in familiarity. I am not negating the love a MM has for his wife. He would not be with her if he did not love her. He does love her.
As in any marriage a partner’s views on the world may change and no longer align with that of their spouse, interest in sex may change, core values may change, ability to communicate may change. If these changes are not addressed they can continue to drive the wedge further until one partner feels so alienated that they seek another resource to support the interests they have gravitated towards. Affairs are not the only thing a partner gravitates towards. The “Other” may involve a man or a woman but it also may involve other activities that fulfill whatever their need is that is no longer being met within the marriage. Some of those activities could involve porn, working out, golf, drinking, drugs, excessive socializing with friends, involvement in activities that other partner does not approve of.
The partner not pleased with such activities will express their displeasure with such activities and make the demand their partner cease such activities. In most cases the spouse will accommodate the needs of the spouse as the consequences of not doing so are significant enough to create an opportunity for a life change they are not prepared to make. However there are those partners so passionate about what their new interest is they refuse and accept the consequences.
I want to make it very clear that I am a firm believer that a partner should never leave a their marriage for another person nor another activity. The core issues within the marriage should be addressed and only when those issue can not be resolved should divorce be a consideration.
In my personal experience I made this belief very clear. I never asked the MM to leave his wife. I was first and foremost my MM’s friend before I was his lover. I know this is hard for many to accept or even believe. All I have wanted for him is peace even if that peace meant I had to walk away as a lover. This is what I did. I walked away. I not only walked away for him but for myself and for his wife. I hope he is able to resolve matters in his life so that he can find peace within himself. I am also a firm believer that is the only location or source of peace, within oneself not outside.
(I am sure many of you are thinking “if you were his friend how could you be intimate with him?” Well to be honest for me personally I have a tendency to compartmentalize. That is how I was able to be involved in such a relationship. Yes, I acquiesced to both of our intimate desires without thought. Those moments allowed my better judgement to be clouded.)
This probably does not answer your question but I thought I would put forth the time to consider such a question and give it the time and consideration it deserves.
Well said Grace. Very insightful!
Partners that were suited for marriage to have children and start a family are not always the best partners as we change and begin to look for a companion in life. From a historical perspective humans have always been serial monogamous. This idea of marriage as we know it today is a man-made concept formed with in the last century of human existence.
I think you are 100% correct in the fact that people grow as they age and just sometimes outgrow the marriage, but we live in a society where that is not ok. People don’t know what to do, or how to get out of it, without being shamed or losing everything. So, we call it a mid-life crisis. But in the areas of anthropology and psychology we recognize it as another area in life where the person’s needs are different and may require a new mate to fulfill those. That is why you see so many affairs in this age group. It is society’s way of trying to cope with their needs, but within the scope of the social norms that we live in.
Great response! xo
My personal experience as far as the deterioration of my marriage is that my ex-husbands interests were not aligned with mine and I found myself left in an empty house. Towards the end of my marriage I recall a night where we were laying in bed and I expressed that I was not sure how much longer I could do “this”….his response was that I had no choice. In reality I did have a choice. It was not an easy one as the choice to leave was full of unknowns and that scared the shit out of me. An opportunity arose financially where I was able to provide myself with a cushion and leave. The unknown still remained but I knew I had a choice to live on my terms and not someone else’s. I was also very confident he would find someone who shared the same interests and would love him the way he should be loved. He did find that person in a very short period of time. His happiness brought me peace that the decision I made for the both of us was the right one. I would never leave for another person. I must say though he learned from his mistakes with me and I am very proud that he is treating her better than he did me. She doesn’t have to suffer under the thumb of his family like I did.
It sounds like leaving your marriage was the right decision for all. Your ex included. Most people don’t start affairs as you know, when they are happily married. I am sure there are a few that do, but the vast majority do so because they are not happy or something is missing within the marriage that they feel they get elsewhere. I don’t think the majority of people actually leave for another person. From the people that I know that have left during an affair, they say the affair acted as motivation to leave, meaning they realize there is another world where they don’t have to be unhappy. In a few circumstances, they left the marriage and the affair partner, they said the affair just reminded them they didn’t have to live in an unhappy marriage. It was just a stepping stone or a test to see if the grass is really greener. Sometimes the affair is also an eyeopener that shows their marriage isn’t that bad.
My point, I think for some the affair just opens their eyes to the problems in their marriage, and while the affair may act as motivation to finally leave, I don’t think a lot of people leave for their affair partner. The research supports that too, especially when it comes to men who have affairs, very few end up with their OW.
How about a profound “Yep”….lol…I knew my marriage was over at minimum two years prior to leaving…yet I kept holding out that things would improve … why does it take so long to come to that realization?….at least I did….right?