Mr. Grey

The story of the third guy started just a little over 4 weeks.  We were set up by a mutual friend.  Well, the guy he set us up actually works for Mr. Grey.  My friend lives out-of-town, but travels to my hometown frequently for work and we often get together for dinner and drinks.  My friend was in town so he called and invited me to dinner.  I thought it was no different from any other dinner.  However, when I got there for dinner I discovered there would be a dinner party for about 12 people.  Mr. Grey was part of this dinner party and my friend placed name cards at the table to ensure that he was seated next to me.

We hit it off pretty quickly.  We quickly learned that we have a lot in common. Both of us are newly divorced.  Both of us had dated casually recently, but nothing serious.  After a couple of after dinner drinks with the group I left for the evening.  However, the next day we started emailing and texting and ended up meeting up that night for drinks.  This time it was just the two of us. We have great chemistry. We are aligned on so many things – politics, religion, parenting, social views, etc.  Moreover, we share similar sense of humor, wit, career driven and so much more.

We ended up back at his hotel bar.  We started to make out there, but I didn’t want his employees to see him making out with me so we moved our date to his hotel room.  It had been a long time since I had been so attracted to somebody and felt as comfortable with them.  As we continued to make out, I realized that I wanted to sleep with him.  Let me preface ,  I have never slept with somebody on the second day of knowing them.  I have never had a one stand.  I had always been in a relationship first before I would have sex with them.  However, we all know how those relationships ended, so I decided to trust my gut and do what felt right.

I slept with him.  Actually, it felt more like making love.  He knew it had been a long time for me.  He was very gentle and tender.  It was exactly what I needed as I make my way back into this world.  I think he even held my hand during .  Does anybody else think it is so hot when a guy holds your hand during sex?  I think that is so sensual.

He asked me to spend the night with him.  He wanted to spoon and cuddle.  I wanted to go home to sleep.  I cuddled with him for a bit, but after he fell asleep  I snuck out of the hotel and headed home.  I had only a couple of hours before I had to be ready for work anyways.

Mr. Grey flew out the next morning, but not before sending a text about how he woke up alone.  The biggest drawback with Mr.Grey is he lives 2000 miles away.  There are no direct flights between our cities which makes traveling to our see each other much more difficult.  This is my predicament.  However, we have seen each other since…  .

 

 

 

 

 

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The no-no square…

So, here is the story of guy number two…

But first a little back story, so this story will make sense.  I have a young adult daughter.  I know, I can’t believe she is an adult either.  She and I are pretty tight.  She knew I was going out on a date this night.  Lord, it had been two years since she had seen me get ready for a date, so she felt the need to give me advice.  I know what you are thinking- I couldn’t wait to hear it either.  Her advice was, “Mama, have fun, but don’t let him touch the no-no square, okay?”  I about fell over.  I mean I laughed so hard, I think snorted.  The no-no square – where did she come up with this?

On to the date story – The guy I was meeting was a facebook friend of more than 3 years, but I had never actually met him.  We decided to get together.  I met him at a restaurant.  He had dinner and drinks, I only had drinks (I was nervous and not hungry). The date was going well.  He then invited me back to his place to watch a movie.  Now, remember he is really a stranger, but after two glasses of wine this seemed like a good idea.  I promptly tell him, okay, but I am not going to have sex with him.  I wanted to set the expectations.  He looked offended.  I didn’t care. I then told him I needed his address so I could GPS my way there.  He said I could follow him.  I told him I needed to text it to 4 friends in case I didn’t show up for work the next morning people would know where to find my body.  I know, I am shocked he still wanted me to come over too.  However, I needed to GPS my way there so I knew it was a legit address.  He reluctantly gives me the address and off we go.

We get to his house.  We open a bottle of wine and start the movie.  We saw maybe 10 minutes before we start making out on the couch.  It isn’t long before he has turned off the movie and has turned on some music.  We are now dancing in the middle of the room for what felt like hours.  We are now on to the second bottle of wine.  Is anybody else counting my wine consumption?  I am.  I am now on glass #5.  Not good for a petite person who didn’t eat dinner.  At some point, I end up against a wall.  There is some heavy making out at this point.  I am really liking this guy, but out of the blue…I feel the need to leave – too much too soon. So I tell him I have to go.  Yep, mid-on-the-wall-making-out I say I have to go.  He immediately  says, “Wait, why?  Did do something wrong?  I did everything you asked. I didn’t touch your, what did you call it…your no-no square.”  WAIT?  WHAT?  I sobered up real quick! I didn’t even realize I had given him boundaries, not to mention dropped the term no-no square.  Can you say horrified?

So, it gets better.  Now I go into some rambling about how I am not going to go to church with him. I love Jesus, he loves Jesus, but I’m not going to church with him.  What?  Where did that come from? He follows me out of the house.  Begs me to sleep on the couch because I have had too much to drink.  I get in the car anyway, after telling him he’s cute.

I get home, and realize I left my favorite scarf.  I text him that I left my scarf. Here is how this text convo went…

Me:  I’m home.  I left my scarf.

Him: I know.  Come back and get it.

Me: No, I’m not going to.

Him: Ever?

Me: Not sure.  Probably not.

Him: why?

Me: #welovejesus

What makes one send a #welovejesus text after a pretty steamy date?  The answer:  5 glasses of wine and I have no fucking idea.

So, after two days of me kicking myself in the ass.  I finally text him to apologize, and explain to him why I know he won’t want to see me again, but I still need my favorite scarf back.  So I offer to send him money to send me my scarf.  His response was if I want it I have to come and get it.  So, I asked when would be a good time.  I couldn’t believe he would want to see me again.  Never heard back.  That was 3 months ago.

I think it is a safe bet to say I will never see my favorite scarf again.

#welovejesus

 

 

TG – First guy…

Hello all –

So, after taking a two year break from the dating world I recently started to get back out there.  The first guy I encounter, let’s call him TG.

I met TG at a restaurant.  I was out with a girlfriend having a cocktail.  TG knocked my purse off my chair.  He apologized profusely and offered to buy me a drink.  He was there with 5 other guys.  I told him it was not necessary.  However, he bought the drink and wouldn’t not accept no to an invitation for my friend and I to join them at their table.  I joined them and after some light conversation I realized TG and I had mutual friend.

TG and I talked that night for several hours before both of us had to leave.  I thought – this guy is fantastic.  Conversation just flowed and we had several things in common.  However, the next day when I reached out to my girlfriend, she confirmed that he was indeed a great guy.  She also told me that I was just the motivation he needed to leave a girlfriend that he had lived with for 10 years, but was miserable with.  Record Scratch – Guess what?  TG never mentioned a girlfriend.

Of course- I am not going down that road again. I told TG if he finds himself single then he should call me.  In the meantime I have no interest in being with a guy who is attached to somebody else.  This was in December.  My girlfriend just informed me last week that he has hired a realtor and is house hunting.  He is moving out.   However, I do know that anytime you leave a relationship at that level there is a period of healing that needs to happen before they are ready to be good dating material.  Another big red flag is he omited the fact he was attached during our initial conversation. My girlfriend insists that he is a great guy though that has been miserable for years in his relationship and that he really is not a guy who would cheat on his girlfriend.

This was my first exerience into the dating world again – and after two years of recovering from being the OW – What do I run into? Another attached guy.  It is a brutal world out there. He calls me every week.  Sometimes daily.  I don’t talk to him.  But he leaves sweet voicemails and texts.  I just ignore them.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

I’m Back…With words of encouragement!

 

Wow – It has been nearly two years since I wrote a post.  I have read several emails and comments asking where I went.  Well, when I walked away from the toxic relationship I was in I walked away from the blog.  I couldn’t sit in the dark feelings.

Lots has happened though in that two years.  I finalized my divorce, settled my custody issues, started a new career, bought a house, got myself in counseling — AND I did not date anybody. That’s right I worked on me.  It wasn’t a conscious decision to not date.  I literally shut down.  I just didn’t find men attractive for a long time.  I think my mind knew I needed the time to heal and recover from years of toxic relationships – including my marriage.

The biggest thing I learned during this hiatus is that I actually like being single.  My life is calmer.  I enjoy my children more. I deepened my friendships and spend more time with my family.  I find that life can be rewarding and fulfilling as a single person.  I know longer look to a man to define my worth.

However, I have recently stepped back into the dating world.  I decided to write again, because I want to share a message of hope for those of you I know are struggling with toxic relationships.  I want you to know there is something better, once you break the cycle.  Also,  I have discovered I am pretty bad at dating.  I need advice. No seriously – wait the posts are coming.

Glad to be back 🙂

 

 

 

Distancer-Pursuer dance…sigh…

Nothing has really changed since the last time I wrote, but a lot has happened. Do you want to know what the Distancer-Pursuer dance looks like?  This is how it is going with Mr. Perfect…

Sunday, March 8th, I started getting the craziest texts from him about how he didn’t have anything, and he didn’t deserve anything, because all he does is cause hurt to the people who are important him.  How he made this bed and he needs to lie in and he won’t allow me to be more involved in this than I already am, because I am a good person and he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore.  etc…It was crazy. We sent lots of crazy messages.  That morning i sent a few more, and he said he would call later. I didn’t hear from him and I didn’t try to contact him, I thought him saying he would call was his way of shutting me up. I honestly thought that I wouldn’t hear from him anymore. That was Monday, March 9th. (Classic distancing)

Then on Tuesday, March 10th,there was wide spread service outages with my cellular provider, and then that evening I dropped my phone in a sink full of water.  I was able to save my phone, but it had to be turned off for a couple of days.  When I finally got it up and running.  I had a text from him that was sent March 10th at noon that read..

Good morning beautiful.  Sorry, I didn’t call last night.  I sat down on the couch and fell asleep. It was late when I woke up.  I’ve been trying to take control of my life back and started with Crazy yesterday.  The stress was killing me. I will call you today, I promise. I have missed talking to you.

Then there was a voicemail where he had called that night.  It said something like…Hey, it’s me.  I was just calling to talk.  Call me if you want to talk.  I backed off for two days so he was back with a little bit of pursuit…

I sat on it for a couple of days, and I didn’t hear anymore from him.  I realized, I was afraid to talk to him, because I didn’t know what to expect.  The Mr. Perfect I dated, or the Mr. Perfect he has become in the last 5 weeks. However, I finally texted him back on Friday night March 13th. We exchanged small talk, and by that Saturday I was sending him “books” by texting telling him how hurt I was and why.

By Sunday he had sent several long crazy messages, where I was pressing him to open up, but he wouldn’t. (Classic pursuer) He finally called me to talk on Tuesday, but it was a short conversation and we just cleared up details about my conversation with Crazy. There have been a few calls and texts since then, but nothing about what I really want to discuss with him.  It has all been idle chit chat. In one of those texts he said he missed me, and then the next morning he sent me a good morning text, but outside of that there has been no discussion about us, or what happened.  There are so many conversations I want to have with him, but I know he will find a reason to not talk about what happened with us and find a reason to get off the phone.  If I text him about it he won’t respond. As long as I keep the conversation to small talk he is ok to talk.  I don’t really believe he wants to conversate with me though.  I think he does it as a way to ease his guilt about what he did to me. (Classic distancer)

I feel like collateral damage.  Something that he is hoping will just disappear, probably because he does right now. He is distancing himself.

I am aware of the distancer-pursuer dance.  I have been caught up in that more than I care to recall.  This is classic distancer-pursuer.  I don’t think I want a relationship where I have to live this repeatedly.  I have done this so many times.  Where I back off and within 30 days the guy is coming at me ready to talk and ready to connect, and they make all these promises.  I fall for it and then I get myself all connected and high off the love, attention and initimacy then we hit a rough patch and the classic distancer backs away and then I become the pursuer and the more you push for intimacy and connection the more they pull back.  Then you finally give up and they are back at you within 30 days.  I have done this cycle so many times in my life. I hate it. it sucks. It sucks the most for the pursuer (me).  The distancer holds all the power and control in this situation.  The only control the pursuer has is to back off, wait and wonder when and if the distancer will engage in the dance again, or just leave the dance all together.  However, neither of those options are what the pursuer wants. Both suck.

So Mr. Perfect is a classic distancer.  And I am a classic pursuer, always on the hunt for love, intimacy and connection. This is not a good combination.  BTW, the majority of the time the pursuer is the woman and the distancer is the man. Women are socialized to value relationships and connections with others.  Men are socialized to hold in their emotions and feelings and to be tough.  Not that all men are distancers, but it you find yourself in this dance, then typically it is the man who distances and the woman who pursues.

I’m still not feeling great, but I am feeling a little better.  I still have large chunks of time in my day where I am riddled with anxiety.

One good thing…I have learned that I want a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a partner by my side.  For a while there I was thinking I didn’t, or that it wouldn’t be possible.  However, my short relationship with Mr. Perfect showed me just how much had missed that and it is something that I want and was able to love again after W. So, there is that.  Now how do I get it and how do I trust men again?  Hmmm…

Day 2 of no contact and I am still obssessing…

I feel obssessed right now with trying to figure out what has happened.  It is like I cannot shut my mind off to it.  I guess I will just write. Write to keep me from contacting him.  Write to get the thoughts out of my head.  Write because it seems to help right now.  I will just write.

I slept pretty good last night after a couple glasses of wine and a few beers. But just like every morning since this happened I awake and it is like being slammed with several bricks all at once and the reality of the situation.

I keep going through the timeline of events.  We were so perfect.  I mean both of us for months got butterflies when we even thought about each other.  We couldn’t wait to see one another.  Our faces just beamed when we were together. We had to be in constant contact when we weren’t together. It was unusual to even go a couple of hours without some kind of contact.  He seemed to be the answer to every prayer I had ever had.  He was loyal, dependable, loving, caring, sensitive, funny, good natured and so many other wonderful qualites.  He was a good dad with a good career, he went to church. He seemed physcially and emotionally available. We had so much fun together.

The day that shady called and crumbled my world was February 17th.

Just a small glimpse of what my life was like prior to February 17th…On February 5th I received this these messages from Mr. Perfect….

I hate that I didn’t see or talk to you much today.  My day is always better with you in it.  I’m feeling really sappy right now and just wish I was there holding you in my arms.  God blessed me with you and I couldn’t be happier.  I don’t want to wait a year before we live together.  I love and miss you very much and I can’t wait for our date night tomorrow.  Goodnight baby!

I had already fallen asleep (He works late hours) so this came through just after midnight after he had sent the above text.

I made it home.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have a sick feeling because I miss you so bad.  I never thought I would want or need someone like this.  Thank you for being the beautiful woman you are both inside and out.  I love you.

There are many of those texts, but those are just some I saved. This man said things like this to me every day.  He didn’t just say the words he did things to show me he loved me.  Little did I know just 11 days later this woman would call out of the blue and all of this would just blow up in my face. There was no indication that this was going anywhere bad.  It was perfect.

The night of the 17th he wanted to come over to my house after Shady called.  I wouldn’t let him.  We talked for several hours.  He said he would do whatever he had to to fix this.  He explained things.  My mind was reeling.  He said he would be an open book.  He was all about fixing things.  We talked until 1am.  I told him I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that I needed to time to think through things and process it. We got off the phone and I went to sleep.  By the time I woke up these were the texts I was getting…

I’m sorry I’ve hurt and put you through this.  I understand if you hate me.  I wish I could go back and do this over.  I would be honest and tell you everything.  I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore and I will not bother you.  I hope that you can forgive me.

That was early in the day… I told him.  I didn’t know what I wanted and that I didn’t hate him, and I never said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He kept putting all these words into my mouth. He called Mr. Dependable, my very vest guy friend in the whole world, and after speaking with Mr. Dependable I got these messages…

I talked with (Mr. Dependable).  I’m so sorry for hurting you.  You deserve better than me.  I’m a fucking loser! You deserve so much more.  You’re such an amazing woman.  I fucked up! I want you to be happy.  I know you will never be able to trust me again and I don’t blame you.  I love you.  But you deserve better.  You deserve a man that treats you like the queen you are.  You are a unicorn (side note: that is an inside joke between us, the elusive woman that isn’t crazy but still hot) I will never find a woman as good as you.  You are the total package.  I fucked up and betrayed your trust! I would totally understand if you hate me forever.  You should.  I love you and hope you find someone that will treat you like you deserve.  I’ve never met someone as selfless as you.  You are definitely a unicorn!

Now I will add that he was very drunk by the time he wrote that message. He doesn’t usually get drunk.  In fact, it is the first time I had spoken to him drunk.  He went on after that message and messaged me several times and told me to date Mr. Dependable.  I told him I didn’t want to and he kept saying it.  I picked up the phone and called him and he was so drunk I couldn’t even speak to him. I might add that those texts came through on February 18th.  One day after Shady called.  At this time, I hadn’t said what I wanted to do, but I most certainly did not tell him that I hated him, or that I couldn’t forgive him, or any of those things.  I just still had lots of questions.

Since, then I have seen him only a few brief times.  We have spent hours on the phone with me talking at him, I say talking at him, because I can’t get him to talk with me.  He is just silent, saying very little.  Even when I ask for his thoughts.  He just says he doesn’t know what to do or say.

Last Monday night, March 2nd,  he tells me he thinks it is best if we break up and I just lost it.  It was the most emotional I have gotten with him.  I cried and asked lots of questions.  I couldn’t believe he hadn’t even tried to work this out with me, and now he was dumping me. I was so confused how a man who claimed he loved me so much with so much virgor and passion was now saying he wanted to let go. He said would come by the next day (March 3rd) after work.  The next day after work I hadn’t heard from him.  The time came and went and finally he sent this text.

I’m sorry but I’m not going to be able to make it. I don’t think it is a good idea that I come by anyway. I’m really struggling with what I want to do from here. I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I feel like that is what I would be doing. I can’t in good conscience come by right now. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you that was not my intention. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s all me. Itm struggling right now with closing out all loose ends

I sent him back a long text and told him some things, but I told him my door was always open when he was ready to talk. We talked more that night, and we talked Wednesday. Wednesday night was my marathon conversation with Crazy.  On Thursday we talked about that all day. I asked him that day what he wanted for us and if he thought we could work this out. He couldn’t believe I was asking him that after everything I knew about him.  He wondered how I could ever forgive him and move past this. I don’t think he has ever had anybody in his life that did that and I don’t think he ever gave forgiveness in his past relationships.

By this Friday we had no reason to talk, and he did call that night, and it is the first contact he has intiated in a long time. However, I have heard nothing from him since.  Not a text or anything, and now I am obssessing.

Neither of us are phone people, but the phone was our life line. We both have hectic lives and are raising teenagers, and the phone is what helped keep us connected. We talked on the phone several times a day and always ended our day with a long phone conversation if we weren’t crawling into bed with each other. We also texted a lot throughout the day. Many of our conversations were about our future together.  The no contact is hard, because for all those months that was something that we did. Having contact=connection.  Without the contact I know the connection is fading.  If I am honest, the last couple of weeks, I felt like I was initiating all the contact and he was just keeping in contact as an obligation he felt I was due from him for him hurting me. He wasn’t real thrilled about it, because all I wanted to do was talk this through until we could fix things. It was like he was done long before he said he wanted out.

I’m just so confused by all of this. I miss him. And it is just hard. And I just don’t understand.  I know it was a short relationship, but it felt real and I fell in love.  We used to talk about us being midlife and that realistically we probably wouldn’t have 50 years together.  We talked about how we would need to make the most of what time we have together. This was a man who was crazy about me and now so quickly it is just over, and I feel lost without him and lonely.