Plans vs. Promises

“I can’t”

“I wish”

“I promise”

“I would love to…but”

“One day….however”

Promises vs. Plans  – Many times married men say these things.  Phrases that include the words above are merely promises, not plans.  They give us hope that things will happen that we are hoping for.  Learning to recognize this would save us many wasted days in relationships that are not going where we want or need.  Here is an example of something he might say…

I wish so badly I could be with you right.  I would love to spend my future with you.  I promise that this time next year we will be together.  One day this will all be behind us.  I wish I could do that now, but I can’t right now.  I want to do that for you, for us so that we can truly be together.  That’s what I want.

I can’t – This really means “I won’t” Don’t be confused…this man is not taking responsibility for their own decisions or actions. They are saying, “I have not made the decision yet to really be with you.”

I wish –  This man is saying, “I am not willing to do what is necessary to be with you at this time.”

One day…however -He is saying, “I am giving you hope for a possible future with me, so you will hang in there.”

I promise -what he is really saying, “I have to give you something to keep you hanging in there and on the hook.”

I would love to…but -He probably would love to, but there is no way he is going to risk what he has going on in his life for you.

Plans are different than promises.

When men are making plans:

They ask questions about what you want, how you want to do it, if it will work for you, etc…

They are doing things in their lives to make it possible for you to be together.

They are making arrangements to separate from their spouses.

They are talking to their spouse about how to get divorced.

They are seeing attorneys.

They are moving out of the house.

They are being open and honest.

They are using words like this…I will do that, I will be there, etc…

They are there when you need them.

They are in the process of doing what is necessary to be your partner.

They aren’t making you a secret. They are introducing you to family and friends.  You are a part of their life, you aren’t living the shadows.

Men who are making promises aren’t making plans.  Plans to see you aren’t the same as plans to be with you.  Promises of a future aren’t the same as plans for a future.  

Start looking at their actions and not their words.  Men who really want to be with you, will be with you if you allow them to.  They aren’t making excuses for their absence.  A wise woman once said to me…If a man wants to be with you he will move mountains to be with you.  This is true.  They will.  I have seen it happen.

If you aren’t with an “I can” “I will” or “a mountain moving man” chances are you are being led on.  For me…I want a mountain mover!

Big changes in my life…

Recently, some things have happened to make me rethink my situation (living arrangement) all pretty stressful stuff.  It has made me re-evaluate a lot of things.  What I really want is someone who shows up in my life, not just when things are great, but when they aren’t too.  W has been pretty much absent. A few texts, one phone call that I couldn’t take, but he hasn’t even called again to discuss it with me.  I think it has all sizzled out.  So, the need for a conversation or an exit plan has pretty much been decided for me. He has chosen his path without words, but with his actions.  I am doing okay.  I don’t feel the need to have a conversation or make an exit.  He came into my life like a lion, but he is leaving it like a lamb.  Everything has its purpose and season.

I feel good as I embark on my new beginnings. I have done my grief work and said my piece, made my arguments over the last few months. With that, I feel that I have closure.  It happened for me once I started looking at his actions, instead of listening to his words. He has such pretty words, and he gives me complete acceptance, but at the end of day…I am just a mere sliver of his life.  I want the whole pie! And I deserve to have the whole pie!!! 

Life for me will always have a part of him, because he led me on a path I had been indecisive before, but he made me see things in a different light.  Everything for a reason, everything in its time.  But I want more than to be the other woman, I want to be the only woman.  I can have it, and I will have it…but not with W. I can love our moments, I can appreciate the season he was in my life…and I can move on.  I’m doing it!  

I’m hoping my journey as the OW stops here, but I also know that life has a funny way of laughing at us.  Right now I feel good and focused.  Let’s see what tomorrow brings! 

 

True Love SHOULD Be Painful

Great blog! I agree, allowing oneself to be vulnerable can at times be painful. At what point is it abusive? Something for me to ponder.

Seth Adam Smith

For whatever reason, we seem to have this funny idea that love is supposed to be bliss or that when we get married we’ve somehow achieved a state of “happily-ever-after.”

Well, that’s just not true. Love is actually quite painful.

In fact, if you’re doing it right, love, marriage, and family will be the most painful things you’ll ever experience. Not because they’re bad things, but because to love at all means to open yourselves up to vulnerability and pain. And to love someone completely—as you do in marriage—is to put your whole heart on the line.

True love will be painful. True love should be painful.

To be clear, when I say that true love should be painful I am not referring to abusive, obsessive, or co-dependent relationships; those relationships are predicated upon selfishness and will inevitably produce a pain that’s destructive and detrimental.

No, the “painful love” to…

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