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Day 2 of no contact and I am still obssessing…

I feel obssessed right now with trying to figure out what has happened.  It is like I cannot shut my mind off to it.  I guess I will just write. Write to keep me from contacting him.  Write to get the thoughts out of my head.  Write because it seems to help right now.  I will just write.

I slept pretty good last night after a couple glasses of wine and a few beers. But just like every morning since this happened I awake and it is like being slammed with several bricks all at once and the reality of the situation.

I keep going through the timeline of events.  We were so perfect.  I mean both of us for months got butterflies when we even thought about each other.  We couldn’t wait to see one another.  Our faces just beamed when we were together. We had to be in constant contact when we weren’t together. It was unusual to even go a couple of hours without some kind of contact.  He seemed to be the answer to every prayer I had ever had.  He was loyal, dependable, loving, caring, sensitive, funny, good natured and so many other wonderful qualites.  He was a good dad with a good career, he went to church. He seemed physcially and emotionally available. We had so much fun together.

The day that shady called and crumbled my world was February 17th.

Just a small glimpse of what my life was like prior to February 17th…On February 5th I received this these messages from Mr. Perfect….

I hate that I didn’t see or talk to you much today.  My day is always better with you in it.  I’m feeling really sappy right now and just wish I was there holding you in my arms.  God blessed me with you and I couldn’t be happier.  I don’t want to wait a year before we live together.  I love and miss you very much and I can’t wait for our date night tomorrow.  Goodnight baby!

I had already fallen asleep (He works late hours) so this came through just after midnight after he had sent the above text.

I made it home.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have a sick feeling because I miss you so bad.  I never thought I would want or need someone like this.  Thank you for being the beautiful woman you are both inside and out.  I love you.

There are many of those texts, but those are just some I saved. This man said things like this to me every day.  He didn’t just say the words he did things to show me he loved me.  Little did I know just 11 days later this woman would call out of the blue and all of this would just blow up in my face. There was no indication that this was going anywhere bad.  It was perfect.

The night of the 17th he wanted to come over to my house after Shady called.  I wouldn’t let him.  We talked for several hours.  He said he would do whatever he had to to fix this.  He explained things.  My mind was reeling.  He said he would be an open book.  He was all about fixing things.  We talked until 1am.  I told him I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that I needed to time to think through things and process it. We got off the phone and I went to sleep.  By the time I woke up these were the texts I was getting…

I’m sorry I’ve hurt and put you through this.  I understand if you hate me.  I wish I could go back and do this over.  I would be honest and tell you everything.  I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore and I will not bother you.  I hope that you can forgive me.

That was early in the day… I told him.  I didn’t know what I wanted and that I didn’t hate him, and I never said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He kept putting all these words into my mouth. He called Mr. Dependable, my very vest guy friend in the whole world, and after speaking with Mr. Dependable I got these messages…

I talked with (Mr. Dependable).  I’m so sorry for hurting you.  You deserve better than me.  I’m a fucking loser! You deserve so much more.  You’re such an amazing woman.  I fucked up! I want you to be happy.  I know you will never be able to trust me again and I don’t blame you.  I love you.  But you deserve better.  You deserve a man that treats you like the queen you are.  You are a unicorn (side note: that is an inside joke between us, the elusive woman that isn’t crazy but still hot) I will never find a woman as good as you.  You are the total package.  I fucked up and betrayed your trust! I would totally understand if you hate me forever.  You should.  I love you and hope you find someone that will treat you like you deserve.  I’ve never met someone as selfless as you.  You are definitely a unicorn!

Now I will add that he was very drunk by the time he wrote that message. He doesn’t usually get drunk.  In fact, it is the first time I had spoken to him drunk.  He went on after that message and messaged me several times and told me to date Mr. Dependable.  I told him I didn’t want to and he kept saying it.  I picked up the phone and called him and he was so drunk I couldn’t even speak to him. I might add that those texts came through on February 18th.  One day after Shady called.  At this time, I hadn’t said what I wanted to do, but I most certainly did not tell him that I hated him, or that I couldn’t forgive him, or any of those things.  I just still had lots of questions.

Since, then I have seen him only a few brief times.  We have spent hours on the phone with me talking at him, I say talking at him, because I can’t get him to talk with me.  He is just silent, saying very little.  Even when I ask for his thoughts.  He just says he doesn’t know what to do or say.

Last Monday night, March 2nd,  he tells me he thinks it is best if we break up and I just lost it.  It was the most emotional I have gotten with him.  I cried and asked lots of questions.  I couldn’t believe he hadn’t even tried to work this out with me, and now he was dumping me. I was so confused how a man who claimed he loved me so much with so much virgor and passion was now saying he wanted to let go. He said would come by the next day (March 3rd) after work.  The next day after work I hadn’t heard from him.  The time came and went and finally he sent this text.

I’m sorry but I’m not going to be able to make it. I don’t think it is a good idea that I come by anyway. I’m really struggling with what I want to do from here. I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I feel like that is what I would be doing. I can’t in good conscience come by right now. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you that was not my intention. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s all me. Itm struggling right now with closing out all loose ends

I sent him back a long text and told him some things, but I told him my door was always open when he was ready to talk. We talked more that night, and we talked Wednesday. Wednesday night was my marathon conversation with Crazy.  On Thursday we talked about that all day. I asked him that day what he wanted for us and if he thought we could work this out. He couldn’t believe I was asking him that after everything I knew about him.  He wondered how I could ever forgive him and move past this. I don’t think he has ever had anybody in his life that did that and I don’t think he ever gave forgiveness in his past relationships.

By this Friday we had no reason to talk, and he did call that night, and it is the first contact he has intiated in a long time. However, I have heard nothing from him since.  Not a text or anything, and now I am obssessing.

Neither of us are phone people, but the phone was our life line. We both have hectic lives and are raising teenagers, and the phone is what helped keep us connected. We talked on the phone several times a day and always ended our day with a long phone conversation if we weren’t crawling into bed with each other. We also texted a lot throughout the day. Many of our conversations were about our future together.  The no contact is hard, because for all those months that was something that we did. Having contact=connection.  Without the contact I know the connection is fading.  If I am honest, the last couple of weeks, I felt like I was initiating all the contact and he was just keeping in contact as an obligation he felt I was due from him for him hurting me. He wasn’t real thrilled about it, because all I wanted to do was talk this through until we could fix things. It was like he was done long before he said he wanted out.

I’m just so confused by all of this. I miss him. And it is just hard. And I just don’t understand.  I know it was a short relationship, but it felt real and I fell in love.  We used to talk about us being midlife and that realistically we probably wouldn’t have 50 years together.  We talked about how we would need to make the most of what time we have together. This was a man who was crazy about me and now so quickly it is just over, and I feel lost without him and lonely.

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20 thoughts on “Day 2 of no contact and I am still obssessing…

  1. XOXO! You’re grieving. I’m sorry. It hurts. ❤
    Watch out for that "bargaining" phase – it's a bitch. But you HAVE to fight it because your 'loss' is still alive while you're mourning the death of your relationship. It would be so easy to just give in, but "you can never go back".
    Right now, for me, 'bargaining' is in a battle of wills with 'depression'…

    Every day you make it through is another victory!
    Battle on, Sister!!

    • I am grieving. You’re so right. That is exactly what I am doing. The bargaining phase…I could see that. I think I have been trying to bargain. And I probably would again if he contacted me, but I think I am also going through a bit of denial. I feel that popping up into my head right now. You know feeling like maybe this isn’t happening.

      I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I am definitely fighting the battle of trying not to fall into that. I have been down the rabbit hole that is a major depressive episode and I don’t want to dothat again.

      When you say “you can never go back” you mean that the relationship will never be what it once was? I have thought about that too I told Mr. Perfect that too. The innocence once lost is lost. I think that was the beauty of us and think he has had his share of relationship drama over the years that he just wants a fresh start with someone. I think I was that for him, but now I am messy too, because of his bullshit, I might add. But nonetheless he wants uncomplicated, easy and unmessy, and we are definitely not that anymore.

      We should both battle on! You’re being really strong! I wish I was too right now.

    • I know. But I think my relationship with W taught me how to not obssess about what they are doing when they aren’t with you. I had to learn to control those thoughts and impulses through the two years with him. It would be tough, but I think I could get through that. But not without a willing partner.

  2. I wish I could have learned how to not obsess when I wasn’t with B. I obsessed all the time. It was ridiculous. I obsess less now that it’s over, but it’s there and pretty regular still.

    It’s no wonder you are still in pain. This is so fresh, so unexplained. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel your pain in your posts and it’s heart breaking. Big big big hugs xx

    • Yes, yes, and yes! It still feels very raw and new. I’m having trouble accepting that it is over. Smitten told me I was grieving and in the bargaining stage. Maybe i am. But it still hurts. Do you know I still tear up when I see women going through this, because I know the raw emotion of the their pain all too well? That feeling of your skin tingling (not in a good way), the feelings of sadness and rejection, the feelings that come with the loss of hope. The spiral downward. It is so hard. And you only know that pain if you have lived it.

      Thanks for the hugs! sending them back to you!

  3. These feelings are very familiar to me and in my experience only you can decide what’s best for you, but I don’t think he’s good for you.

    I think he’s really taking advantage of your emotional genorousity and you need to look after yourself first. He was very gushy when you were together and it often seems men who are like that find it hard to sustain and aren’t always everything they seem to be. Self preservation is the most important thing here, don’t let him take you over.

    Be strong!

    • Bec, I hate that you know what I am talking about or that these feelings are familiar. I am looking out for myself. At least I am trying. It is just so damn hard. Ugh!

      I’m a sucker for some gushy men! I am not real sappy, but when a man comes at me with sappy…I’m putty! Ugh!

      Thanks for you comments! 🙂

  4. I can’t “like” this post, you know that. I know that loneliness of which you write and I’m so very sorry that the grieving is so intense. Especially given you don’t have the definitive closure we all seek at times. {{hugs}}

  5. This isn’t your fault. None of it is, it sounds like he has some issues he needs to work through.

    You’ve let him know you’re open to him, that’s the best you can do and hopefully he comes to his senses in time before he really does loose you forever because you’ve moved on.

    And you are grieving, it sucks and the whole situation is horrible, but hang in there. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

    • I think I need to just get out of this mess. I feel like that is what my gut is saying. It is so hard to know what to do in the middle of this emotional turmoil.

      Thanks for the virtual hugs! Sending them back your way!

  6. Think he’s possibly a narcissist? I published a checklist, you may want to have a look: http://exit4a.com/2014/06/20/big-me-little-you-loving-a-narcissist/

    It sounds as if he has been “love bombing” you — saying and texting everything, just EVERYTHING, you want to hear and then, BAM! He pulls the plug. That’s precisely the M.O. of the narc. They are tremendously adept at love bombing.

    There’s a great blog on WordPress titled “After Narcissistic Abuse” and their current post is “Narcissistic Abuse Leaves Us Feeling Damaged.” Here’s the link: https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2015/03/09/narcissistic-abuse-leaves-us-feeling-damaged/

    I highly recommend this blog because it will undoubtedly help answer the questions you are posing and I think you will see that your relationship fits the mold they describe. I, myself, am getting over a 26-year relationship with a narc (www.exit4a.com you know) and it’s excruciatingly painful at first, but No Contact is really the only way you can survive and thrive.

    I feel your pain. <>

    • Thank you this was actually very helpful. I had considered this, but his pull the plug came in the light of me discovering there was another woman, and then he shut down. But I read what you sent, and I looked this up too. Here is another great link.

      http://esteemology.com/the-three-phases-of-a-narcissistic-relationship-cycle-over-evaluation-devaluation-discard/

      Thank you again for weighing in this really helped to shed some light on things for me!

      • Ok. I have been reading, reading, reading. I feel all of the things that people feel after being discarded, but the one thing I can’t get past and realize this might cognitive dissonance, is it is almost like the discard happened after this woman called me. It was almost like his self-worth and shame went so low. He just keeps saying things like…
        … I (meaning me) deserve better
        … I (meaning me) am too good a person to be caught up in this mess.
        …It is too much to work through and I will never be able to get through this or over this

        He has never, not once belittled me or made me feel like this is my fault. In fact he has taken all the blame. He keeps saying he’s made his bed and now he needs to lie in it. He justs tells me I am beautiful and he is glad I crossed his path and he wishes he had done things differently and this hadn’t happen and he wants me to be happy.

        What do you make of that? If I can bug you for your opinion on that. But I do see some of the same patterns, just not that one part.

      • As the old saying goes (and as painful as it is to hear), “he’s just not that into you.” And that is the discard. But let me try to help by saying you are so wrong when you say you “will never be able to get through this or over this.” Darling, YES YOU WILL. I’m not going to sugar-coat it, it’s hard work and it takes a long time. But, YES YOU WILL get over him. This I know from the heart.

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