Feelings stuffing…

The last couple of weeks of have been weeks of THOSE days.  You know the days I am talking about.  The days where you just go through the motions trying to minimize the hurt feelings and keep your smile.  I realized I have been stuffing my feelings down to the point I have no where left to stuff them.  I feel like a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

I have so much going on, the biggest of which is a custody battle over my children.

I have had my children on my own for over six years.  My ex saw them infrequently as he moved over 400 miles away from us. This last year my ex and I have lived in the same town and he has taken more of an interest in them. Back in the spring he filed for sole custody and requested child support from me.  He had been in my home the night before as I had just gotten back from chaperoning a weekend school trip with my oldest daughter.  He brought the younger one home and came in while I was telling him about things that happened during the school trip.  The next day a court officer delivered the papers.  It was like a kick in the teeth. For those of you following my story, the day I was served papers was the same day I ended the no contact with W.  It was just too much at one time.

Now, my ex is a man who has never paid child support to me, I never asked for it.  This isn’t about whether he thinks I am a good mother, in fact he has told me that he believes I am an excellent mother, a little over protective, but an excellent mother nonetheless.  I have two beautiful, well adjusted daughters who are doing well in school.  I am at every school function, know their teachers well, volunteer at their schools to the point that everyone knows me.  For the last ten years I have gotten them to and from school, packed lunches, did homework, chaperoned trips, worked school parties, did fundraisers…I am an active mother.  A month before the papers were filed I moved into a new place and he got scared I would come after him for child support.  So he decided to he didn’t want to pay (not that I had filed or even mentioned child support to him) so he filed for custody and child support.  Needless to say, things between he and I have been tense at best since that.  Before that we were amicable.  Very amicable.

Things with W are at a stalemate.  Nothing has changed there.  I am miserable with how the relationship is, and he isn’t.  So nothing changes.  He likes it this way.  He wants it this way.  So…no motivation=no change. I am so frustrated. Between feeling powerless with the custody case (unless you agree to hand over your kids and pay child support to an absent father I am forced to pay thousands of dollars to the legal system to keep my childre…no power in that) and feeling powerless to make changes in my relationship with W…I feel powerless.  I realize that I have two choices with W…either continue you on playing by his rules or end it.  The ending it scares me.  The what if questions…

Will I be strong enough to get through it?

What if I hold out just a bit longer?

What if I never feel the way I do in W’s arms in another man’s arms?

However, my self esteem, confidence, feelings or worthiness have all taken such a hit.  I almost don’t care anymore.  I just want the hurt to end.  I wonder if the hurt will be worse after than it is now.  There is no joy in being the OW for me.  The little bits of time I get with him are huge price to pay for the damage it does to my wellbeing.  I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know something has to change.  Somehow, some way I have to find a way to take control over my life again.  I know what I want…for myself, my children, my love life…this is not it.

 

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It’s been a while…

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I haven’t posted here in a long time.  I have been keeping up with a few of my blogging friends over the last couple of weeks privately.

On the day of my last post, I got hit with some really hard stuff.  Without going into too much detail, I found myself overwhelmed with life…  I got hit with something huge and I hit bottom.  While I was trying so desperately to stay afloat in this thing called life.  I was like a boat at sea that was bailing water to stay afloat and I basically got blindsided by hurricane and I was in trouble of drowning.

I did what I had fought for weeks not to do, and the only thing I knew to do, and that is I reach out to W.  I needed him at that moment and only the comfort he could offer.  After downing what probably equated to three bottles of wine that day, I texted him what was going on.

He responded immediately, even though it was extremely late at night. We talked by text for two hours that night as I told him what was happening and he calmed me down and reassured me.  He said he was glad I had reached out to him.  We shared lots of thoughts about the the three weeks we didn’t speak. He had never really left me, though it had felt like it.

We have since talked every day and I have seen him since then.  He even stayed with me one night, and I am not a bit sorry either.  It was the best sleep I had gotten in weeks. It was the first time my world had felt right in a long time.

There has been a lot of communication, a lot of me wanting answers, as to where we go from here.

Before the break up there was a distance that crept in to our relationship over a course of a few months that I didn’t understand.  We have discussed that and I now know where the origin of that came from. I understand where things went wrong and why we are where we are. This may have been the best thing for us in the long term.

He is not completely to blame for where things broke down, though I did a lot of blaming.  I have owned my part in what happened, and so has he. Sometimes in relationships you have to step back and step in the other person’s shoes.  That is hard to do when you are dealing with your own pain, hurt, anger and frustration.  It is hard when you are living in a fog.  However, the fog is lifting and I see this as way more complicated than either he or I first saw it when we fell in love.

He and I have decided to work on things.  I don’t know how it will turn it out, but I do firmly believe that he was put in my life for a reason and I plan to see it through.  The odds that we even met each other were so slim to none, and the incredible love and connection we share is so rare, it is hard to imagine there isn’t some other reason for us than this.

As for my personal crisis, it is still ongoing.  It will be for a while.  Each day is a different adventure right now.  Some days are good and some days are bad, but no day is as bad as the three weeks he wasn’t in my life. I’ll take it.

I want to continue my blog for the women who reach out to me and are interested in other women’s stories who go through this.  I have it here raw and though edited for privacy for W and I, the feelings are real.  And I want our story to be recorded.

Today, W and I are good and on solid ground.  And I find that I am, dare I say happy for the most part. I am actually excited for the future and what it holds in store for me, and for W.  My boat is still rocked by the hurricane that hit me two weeks ago, but I know I have many friends and family members that will help me weather the storm, and have helped me weather the storm…many of which I met right here.  And I also have my first mate, W, right by my side too.  We got this.

Three weeks out from break up…

I am three weeks out today from ending things with W.  I have received a few emails from people wanting to know how I am and others who are wondering what the process will be like when/if they choose to end things, so here is my update. 

  • The heaviness is still in my heart everyday.  Some days it is better when I am really busy with just life, but it is a constant that never goes away. 
  • Most days now I am able to get through life, but I still have times when I feel like I am just surving and not living. 
  • He is still my first thought when I wake up.
  • I comfort myself as I am falling asleep, by remembering the times he would spoon me as I drifted off.  I allow my mind to take me there just so I can get some rest. 
  • I no longer look at my phone 1000s of times a day to see if he has contacted me.  I have come to accept that I will probably never hear from him again.  I am not even sure that if I made contact he would respond.  That fear is what keeps me from contacting him.  I don’t think I could handle that rejection.  
  • I have yet to go on my date.  Though this gentleman must be the most patient man ever, because I have backed out for some reason or another at the last minute 5 times now.  The desire just hasn’t been there. 
  • There are still triggers that will bring me to my knees.  I gave him so much of myself, that he is everywhere.  I haven’t been able to face those yet.  For example, this past weekend someone mentioned a restaurant that he and I had been to, and I had only ever been to with him.  I had to turn my eyes away to blink back the tears. I felt one escape and land on my cheek and I wondered to myself if I would ever be able to eat there or even hear it mentioned without instantly falling apart.  He and I were always the crazy in love people you would see with all the PDA sitting right next to each other, and people would often comment on happy and insanely happy and in love we were. 
  • I am depressed.  I am in mourning.  In a lot of ways this has been like grieving a death.  I shared a link on here a while back called Silence Kills Relationships and it is so true.  I can feel the silence between us killing our relationship, our connection and our bond.  Our relationship is in the process of dying, and that is hard to let it happen. 
  • I still love him with every atom in my being.  I still haven’t found other men attractive or even had any desire to be with another man.  He is the man I wanted to spend my life with.  Even when I was married I would find myself attracted to other men.  Then after I left my husband I had a few boyfriends, but I never really felt certain they were the one. With W, I just knew he was it.  He was the one.  All of my broken relationships had led me to him.  He was where I was supposed to be, and I was absolutely certain about that.  I had never felt a love like that before, either from someone or for someone.  Our love felt so huge, and I never, ever wanted to be in the arms of another man.  He was it.  I still feel that way. Right now it feels hopeless that I will find that again with another man, but I hope one day I do.  
  • I no longer fantasize that he will show up on my doorstep and tell me that this was all a big mistake and take me in his arms.  
  • I have stopped daydreaming about us being married and our future.  The hopes and promises I used to cling to have all fallen by the way side. 
  • I was just telling another blogging friend, that I have isolated myself in the last three weeks, except for a select group of people. I have just spent time with my kids and a few friends.  Facing the world right now with a fake smile seems hard to do.  I haven’t gone out much.  I don’t feel like socializing or being around people.  Like I said, I am depressed.  I haven’t figured out yet, how to get out of the house without the world taking one look at my face and seeing my pain.  And I don’t talk to anybody about him except for a couple of people. 
  • I have finally resigned and have accepted the depression.  I am no longer fighting it.  It feels like an old friend actually.  The hurt and the pain are the only things I have left of him.  In some sick, weird and twisted way I find some comfort in the grief, because it reminds me that he was real and my love for him was real.  Sometimes, I cry but not like before.  I am no longer spending hours with uncontrolable crying.  
  • I haven’t been angry in a while.  The anger has finally passed. 
  • I still miss him all the time.  Every day, all day.

In need of relief…

It has been a hard 3 days.  It has been like a war within myself since Monday when I woke up.  This has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life.  I need to regroup and rethink what I am doing.  If anyone has any advice…things that have worked or things that haven’t, I am open to suggestions.

How do you unlove someone?  How does one fall out of love?  How do you fill the void in your heart that is left?  How do you get over missing someone?  How do you find joy in things, when the one person you want to share them with is no longer there?  How do you make the hurt stop, when the one person who could bring the comfort you need is gone?

This sucks.

It just royally sucks.

He chose me…

He chose me to go through this grief.

He chose me to use.

He chose me to be crushed.

He chose to leave me with this to deal with alone

He chose me to abandon.

He chose me to disappoint.

He chose me to bear the hurt.

He chose to break my heart.

He chose me to bear the shame of being the other woman.

He chose me to hide in the shadows.

He chose me to keep his secrets.

He chose me to leave.

He chose me to reject.

He chose me to leave with the scars of him.

He chose me to cry for him.

He chose me to live in the shadows.

He chose me to silence.

He chose me to deal with the aftermath of our affair.

He chose me to move forward without him.

He chose me to wear the scarlet A.

He chose me to mourn him.

He chose me to shut out.

He chose me to tear to shreds.

He chose me to bear this cross.

He chose me…

Left behind…

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Wow…Today and yesterday have been some days I tell you.  Now that the distractions that occured over Friday, Saturday and Sunday have passed, it has given me much time to reflect on things.  Working on the grief that is always right below the surface is a hard thing to do.  Something that is necessary for me to move forward.  I say move forward, because I don’t think I will ever move on from him.  Move on, implies forgetting and becoming indifferent.  Whereas, moving forward just means, well moving in a linear pattern into the future.  Imagine a number line, moving forward implies going from number into the next until finally you reach a destination, but there is no progress up, just straight. That seems to be my days right now, making tally marks on a calendar, hoping one day the tally marks will add up to feeling better.  How many tears are required to get there.  How many hours that are lived hour by hour until I am there.  I don’t know.  Some days I feel numb, somedays I feel better (but never OK), and somedays, like today I am drowning in the tears I cry.  Yet, like a programed doll I get up shower and take care of my children at a minimum, because I know this is not fair to them and life must go on.  There are days I cry while I cook, cry while I shower, I cry myself to sleep and I cry in my sleep, cry upon waking.  Yet, I get up every day and do it all over again, and I will do it every day…Know why?  I refuse to let my kids lose their mom to this.  

I can’t get past the feelings of abandonment and being left behind. I wonder if he knows the deep hurt and crevice he left in me?  I wonder if he feels the amount of pain I do.  I doubt it.  I made him my world, and I was just a small sliver of his.  I am sure he has no idea the deep ache that is in me, because I never had the place of significance in his life that I gave him in my life.   How could he know the hole he left in me when he never carved enough space to have a hole this large?  

I went back today and spent an hour rereading texts trying to peek inside his head.  The difference in the texts is pretty astounding over the past several months.  It wasn’t just that though, it was the lack of phone calls, the visits that almost came to a stop, the tone of the texts…Our communication had become so strained.  Probably because I was becoming more frustrated with the lack of progress and my awareness of his waffling. My emotions were so sad that I found it hard to be the playful, cheery girl he fell in love with.  I was too weak in the end to push through it.  I think he was looking for an out that wouldn’t be ugly,and he found it when I finally gave up and he took the opportunity.  I wonder sometimes if he only hung in there afraid that I would retaliate and hurt his family.  I would never do that, never even thought I would.  I think the holidays are when he stopped loving me.  I felt the distance start then.  

I am left with the feelings of being tossed aside. The words for how this feels when this occurs, I don’t think I can articulate it correctly…shock, sorrow, hurt, anger, resentment, humilation, sadness, incomprehensible, extreme grief, guilt, inadequacy, abandoned, foolish, worthless.  It is a hurt so deep it cuts into your soul and chisels at your heart.  I wonder if I will ever be able to listen to music again, or not stuggle to make myself face my day, or look at the face another and not have to hide my pain…it all feels so unfair as to why I was left with the weight and sorrow of this and he is not.  I guess, I will always wonder why he found it so easy to toss me aside.  Truthfully, my heart knows the reason, it just doesn’t want to examine it, for it is more than I can stand right now.  I wish he had found me worthy to be kept, but he did not.  So, I will somehow have to push forward, and get through my days on the number line until one day this gets a little easier, it has to.  

Falling in love…

I knew I was in love with W before I ever met him physically.  He had turned my world upside down and changed what I thought I knew about love.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship or to even find love when we met.  In fact, I met him on a dating site, because I was there catching my rat fiance at the time trolling the site. As I sat there crying, feeling heartbroken I saw W’s lovely face in “my matches” section.  

Let me back up…The now ex-fiance and I had met on this site some 3 years prior, and I was having trouble understanding why all of sudden he was having doubts about wanting to get married.  A friend of mine suggested that I check the site and see if he was back on it.  So, I  reactivated my account that had been dormant for 3 years and started searching and sure enough there was his site…with recent photos I had taken of him, photos of he and I,  he had cropped me out of course.  I knew the dates that these photos were taken so I knew this was something he had recently done, even though we weren’t broken up yet. I then created fake profiles on several sites and found him on three more.  A little backstory…during my time with the ex-fiance he was never faithful to me.  He was a serial cheater…I even at one point found a book at his place on how to be a player.  But he always came around and we even went to counseling together and things were finally good, or so I thought when he started talking about doubts. 

Which brings me back to W.  So after this fight I sat at the table in front of my computer trying to absorb what I was looking at.  In the midst of that, there was his beautiful face with his cheerful smile.  I clicked on his profile and I noticed it said single and looking for a long term relationship.  There were a couple of pictures of him and his dog.  But what really stuck out was his cheerful attitude.  His short bio ended with Life is so good.  I called a friend later and was talking to her about what had happened with the now ex-finace as of that date.  As I was talking to her I kept staring at this man’s profile.  I finally told her about W’s profile and I said something along the lines that I hadn’t been able to stop looking at it and there was something there that just pulled me to it.  She encouraged me to contact him, so with nervous fingers I reached out and said hello.  

He messaged back pretty quickly.  It was obvious from the very beginning he was different.  The way we communicated, the way he made me laugh, the way he made me smile.  The next day we exchanged phone numbers and the texting began, and  he asked if he could call the next day. The day we first spoke was Valentine’s day. Within a couple of days I was in love, I mean I had fallen hard for a man I had never even met physically.  I had no idea I could even connect with someone on the level I connected with him. He was my gift from God.  He was sent to show me that this is what love is supposed to feel like.  It was eye opening! I turned away from the ex-fiance and never looked back.  Though the ex did try to contact me many times after that.  After having a taste of what was between W and I, I had no desire to ever go back to the hell hole that was my relationship with the ex.  

I am still in love W, and I always will be.  I didn’t know he was married when we met.  It was never the relationship between he and I that was the problem, it was the relationship of him being married to another woman and me being his OW that caused so much conflict.  His inability to find courage and make the changes he needed to be happy and my inability to be in love with a man that left me to be by the side of another woman.  This was the real deal for me.  I was and am madly in love with him.  Everyday is a battle to stay away, but I also know that I cannot be that girl anymore.  It was tearing me apart slowly, it was tearing us apart.  I thought that he loved me the same way.  I am not so sure anymore.  I know for me, there was nothing that would have kept me from him, any barriers in my way I would have ripped them apart to be with him. The fear of not having him in my life was bigger than any other fear I could imagine. However, the barrier between us was not mine to rip apart, but his, and I was powerless to do anything about it. 

I left the future of our relationship in his hands.  The fact that he has chosen to let it go, rather than fight for it is one of the biggest disappointments I have experienced, and has left so many doubts as to his true feelings in regards to me. Regardless of his feelings, he was and will always be my W, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would have moved mountains to give our love a chance to flourish.  I would have done anything for him, but in the end I could do nothing but wait for him to fight for me and fight for us.  That didn’t happen, and so I mourn my lover, my friend, my soul mate, and love of my life.  I am left with nothing but our memories and the will to try to more forward in my life without him. But I miss him terribly everyday.  One day it will get better, it has to.