The no-no square…

So, here is the story of guy number two…

But first a little back story, so this story will make sense.  I have a young adult daughter.  I know, I can’t believe she is an adult either.  She and I are pretty tight.  She knew I was going out on a date this night.  Lord, it had been two years since she had seen me get ready for a date, so she felt the need to give me advice.  I know what you are thinking- I couldn’t wait to hear it either.  Her advice was, “Mama, have fun, but don’t let him touch the no-no square, okay?”  I about fell over.  I mean I laughed so hard, I think snorted.  The no-no square – where did she come up with this?

On to the date story – The guy I was meeting was a facebook friend of more than 3 years, but I had never actually met him.  We decided to get together.  I met him at a restaurant.  He had dinner and drinks, I only had drinks (I was nervous and not hungry). The date was going well.  He then invited me back to his place to watch a movie.  Now, remember he is really a stranger, but after two glasses of wine this seemed like a good idea.  I promptly tell him, okay, but I am not going to have sex with him.  I wanted to set the expectations.  He looked offended.  I didn’t care. I then told him I needed his address so I could GPS my way there.  He said I could follow him.  I told him I needed to text it to 4 friends in case I didn’t show up for work the next morning people would know where to find my body.  I know, I am shocked he still wanted me to come over too.  However, I needed to GPS my way there so I knew it was a legit address.  He reluctantly gives me the address and off we go.

We get to his house.  We open a bottle of wine and start the movie.  We saw maybe 10 minutes before we start making out on the couch.  It isn’t long before he has turned off the movie and has turned on some music.  We are now dancing in the middle of the room for what felt like hours.  We are now on to the second bottle of wine.  Is anybody else counting my wine consumption?  I am.  I am now on glass #5.  Not good for a petite person who didn’t eat dinner.  At some point, I end up against a wall.  There is some heavy making out at this point.  I am really liking this guy, but out of the blue…I feel the need to leave – too much too soon. So I tell him I have to go.  Yep, mid-on-the-wall-making-out I say I have to go.  He immediately  says, “Wait, why?  Did do something wrong?  I did everything you asked. I didn’t touch your, what did you call it…your no-no square.”  WAIT?  WHAT?  I sobered up real quick! I didn’t even realize I had given him boundaries, not to mention dropped the term no-no square.  Can you say horrified?

So, it gets better.  Now I go into some rambling about how I am not going to go to church with him. I love Jesus, he loves Jesus, but I’m not going to church with him.  What?  Where did that come from? He follows me out of the house.  Begs me to sleep on the couch because I have had too much to drink.  I get in the car anyway, after telling him he’s cute.

I get home, and realize I left my favorite scarf.  I text him that I left my scarf. Here is how this text convo went…

Me:  I’m home.  I left my scarf.

Him: I know.  Come back and get it.

Me: No, I’m not going to.

Him: Ever?

Me: Not sure.  Probably not.

Him: why?

Me: #welovejesus

What makes one send a #welovejesus text after a pretty steamy date?  The answer:  5 glasses of wine and I have no fucking idea.

So, after two days of me kicking myself in the ass.  I finally text him to apologize, and explain to him why I know he won’t want to see me again, but I still need my favorite scarf back.  So I offer to send him money to send me my scarf.  His response was if I want it I have to come and get it.  So, I asked when would be a good time.  I couldn’t believe he would want to see me again.  Never heard back.  That was 3 months ago.

I think it is a safe bet to say I will never see my favorite scarf again.




TG – First guy…

Hello all –

So, after taking a two year break from the dating world I recently started to get back out there.  The first guy I encounter, let’s call him TG.

I met TG at a restaurant.  I was out with a girlfriend having a cocktail.  TG knocked my purse off my chair.  He apologized profusely and offered to buy me a drink.  He was there with 5 other guys.  I told him it was not necessary.  However, he bought the drink and wouldn’t not accept no to an invitation for my friend and I to join them at their table.  I joined them and after some light conversation I realized TG and I had mutual friend.

TG and I talked that night for several hours before both of us had to leave.  I thought – this guy is fantastic.  Conversation just flowed and we had several things in common.  However, the next day when I reached out to my girlfriend, she confirmed that he was indeed a great guy.  She also told me that I was just the motivation he needed to leave a girlfriend that he had lived with for 10 years, but was miserable with.  Record Scratch – Guess what?  TG never mentioned a girlfriend.

Of course- I am not going down that road again. I told TG if he finds himself single then he should call me.  In the meantime I have no interest in being with a guy who is attached to somebody else.  This was in December.  My girlfriend just informed me last week that he has hired a realtor and is house hunting.  He is moving out.   However, I do know that anytime you leave a relationship at that level there is a period of healing that needs to happen before they are ready to be good dating material.  Another big red flag is he omited the fact he was attached during our initial conversation. My girlfriend insists that he is a great guy though that has been miserable for years in his relationship and that he really is not a guy who would cheat on his girlfriend.

This was my first exerience into the dating world again – and after two years of recovering from being the OW – What do I run into? Another attached guy.  It is a brutal world out there. He calls me every week.  Sometimes daily.  I don’t talk to him.  But he leaves sweet voicemails and texts.  I just ignore them.





I’m Back…With words of encouragement!


Wow – It has been nearly two years since I wrote a post.  I have read several emails and comments asking where I went.  Well, when I walked away from the toxic relationship I was in I walked away from the blog.  I couldn’t sit in the dark feelings.

Lots has happened though in that two years.  I finalized my divorce, settled my custody issues, started a new career, bought a house, got myself in counseling — AND I did not date anybody. That’s right I worked on me.  It wasn’t a conscious decision to not date.  I literally shut down.  I just didn’t find men attractive for a long time.  I think my mind knew I needed the time to heal and recover from years of toxic relationships – including my marriage.

The biggest thing I learned during this hiatus is that I actually like being single.  My life is calmer.  I enjoy my children more. I deepened my friendships and spend more time with my family.  I find that life can be rewarding and fulfilling as a single person.  I know longer look to a man to define my worth.

However, I have recently stepped back into the dating world.  I decided to write again, because I want to share a message of hope for those of you I know are struggling with toxic relationships.  I want you to know there is something better, once you break the cycle.  Also,  I have discovered I am pretty bad at dating.  I need advice. No seriously – wait the posts are coming.

Glad to be back 🙂




Change only happens when a person is highly motivated…

Change only happens when a person is highly motived to change, not when you want them to change ~ Dr. Wexler on TrueTori

Truer words have never been spoken.

Think about for just a moment….


OK, have you ever forced somebody to change by simply asking them without giving them some sort of motivation? Take children for example…motivation can come in the form of a reward. Money for good grades.  Or they get to do something special if they complete these chores.  Motivation can also come in the form of punishment.  If you get bad grades you will lose your phone for two weeks. Or, if you hit your sister again you will sit in time out.  Change does not happen without motivation.

This is basic B.F Skinner, Operant Conditioning.  However, it took me watching a silly reality show…

Well, it isn’t silly.  I do believe that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are dealing with the aftermath of his affair.  I have been cheated on and she is not that good of an actress to pull off those very real, raw emotions.  I can’t stop watching this stupid show.  I relate and I’m hooked. i digress…


motivation-weight loss

motivation=good grades

motivation=quit smoking

motivation=college degree

motivation=clean house

motivation=a new job.

Many things motivate, but what is the biggest motivator of all time?  Fear.  Fear of not having enough money.  Fear of being alone.  Fear of going without food, water or shelter.  Fear of being a failure.  Fear of losing your loved ones.  Fear of dying early.  Fear of commitment.  Fear of divorce.  Fear…is the single most movitator for human behavior.  The flip side of the desire to have something is the fear of not having it.  For example.  I desire to live a long life = fear of dying early.  I desire to make my parents proud = fear of disppointing parents.

What reinforces human behavior…primary needs like…food, water, sex, affection, human acceptance, etc…what is on the flip side of  that??? That’s right folks…fear.

So, if you are struggling to figure out why someone has done or is doing a behavior that is destructive, you can find the motivating cause most likely in reinforced behaviors or fear and desire.  What will make them change their behavior?  Their desire to, which is driven by what? Fear or Desire! That’s right.  And what is the best way to change someone else’s behavior?  That’s right… change your own behavior! After all insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Just a little food for thought!


Three weeks out from break up…

I am three weeks out today from ending things with W.  I have received a few emails from people wanting to know how I am and others who are wondering what the process will be like when/if they choose to end things, so here is my update. 

  • The heaviness is still in my heart everyday.  Some days it is better when I am really busy with just life, but it is a constant that never goes away. 
  • Most days now I am able to get through life, but I still have times when I feel like I am just surving and not living. 
  • He is still my first thought when I wake up.
  • I comfort myself as I am falling asleep, by remembering the times he would spoon me as I drifted off.  I allow my mind to take me there just so I can get some rest. 
  • I no longer look at my phone 1000s of times a day to see if he has contacted me.  I have come to accept that I will probably never hear from him again.  I am not even sure that if I made contact he would respond.  That fear is what keeps me from contacting him.  I don’t think I could handle that rejection.  
  • I have yet to go on my date.  Though this gentleman must be the most patient man ever, because I have backed out for some reason or another at the last minute 5 times now.  The desire just hasn’t been there. 
  • There are still triggers that will bring me to my knees.  I gave him so much of myself, that he is everywhere.  I haven’t been able to face those yet.  For example, this past weekend someone mentioned a restaurant that he and I had been to, and I had only ever been to with him.  I had to turn my eyes away to blink back the tears. I felt one escape and land on my cheek and I wondered to myself if I would ever be able to eat there or even hear it mentioned without instantly falling apart.  He and I were always the crazy in love people you would see with all the PDA sitting right next to each other, and people would often comment on happy and insanely happy and in love we were. 
  • I am depressed.  I am in mourning.  In a lot of ways this has been like grieving a death.  I shared a link on here a while back called Silence Kills Relationships and it is so true.  I can feel the silence between us killing our relationship, our connection and our bond.  Our relationship is in the process of dying, and that is hard to let it happen. 
  • I still love him with every atom in my being.  I still haven’t found other men attractive or even had any desire to be with another man.  He is the man I wanted to spend my life with.  Even when I was married I would find myself attracted to other men.  Then after I left my husband I had a few boyfriends, but I never really felt certain they were the one. With W, I just knew he was it.  He was the one.  All of my broken relationships had led me to him.  He was where I was supposed to be, and I was absolutely certain about that.  I had never felt a love like that before, either from someone or for someone.  Our love felt so huge, and I never, ever wanted to be in the arms of another man.  He was it.  I still feel that way. Right now it feels hopeless that I will find that again with another man, but I hope one day I do.  
  • I no longer fantasize that he will show up on my doorstep and tell me that this was all a big mistake and take me in his arms.  
  • I have stopped daydreaming about us being married and our future.  The hopes and promises I used to cling to have all fallen by the way side. 
  • I was just telling another blogging friend, that I have isolated myself in the last three weeks, except for a select group of people. I have just spent time with my kids and a few friends.  Facing the world right now with a fake smile seems hard to do.  I haven’t gone out much.  I don’t feel like socializing or being around people.  Like I said, I am depressed.  I haven’t figured out yet, how to get out of the house without the world taking one look at my face and seeing my pain.  And I don’t talk to anybody about him except for a couple of people. 
  • I have finally resigned and have accepted the depression.  I am no longer fighting it.  It feels like an old friend actually.  The hurt and the pain are the only things I have left of him.  In some sick, weird and twisted way I find some comfort in the grief, because it reminds me that he was real and my love for him was real.  Sometimes, I cry but not like before.  I am no longer spending hours with uncontrolable crying.  
  • I haven’t been angry in a while.  The anger has finally passed. 
  • I still miss him all the time.  Every day, all day.

An email I received:

OK…I need to say…this woman, just put into words what I have tried to say to W, about W for months now!!!! Still crying…She is spot on!

Being Her, (the other woman)...


I asked this emailer  (TKM),  if I could post her email because it moved me SOOO much.  I can relate to it on so many levels and so many feelings.  I have looked into the mirror and just stared at myself wondering who I was and what I’d become.  Looking at my spirit filled numb body.  Realizing when I looked in the mirror after being around my husband and then again after being with HIM how it was like two completely different people standing there… body language and confidence both.  A look of being dead and empty or a look of being alive and fulfilled.  Just based on who I was with.  Let me stop talking… (writing), here is her email.  I’ve never posted email before… I asked her if I could post this and got her permission.  Please don’t think if you email me I will post it or…

View original post 1,173 more words

In need of relief…

It has been a hard 3 days.  It has been like a war within myself since Monday when I woke up.  This has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life.  I need to regroup and rethink what I am doing.  If anyone has any advice…things that have worked or things that haven’t, I am open to suggestions.

How do you unlove someone?  How does one fall out of love?  How do you fill the void in your heart that is left?  How do you get over missing someone?  How do you find joy in things, when the one person you want to share them with is no longer there?  How do you make the hurt stop, when the one person who could bring the comfort you need is gone?

This sucks.

It just royally sucks.

He chose me…

He chose me to go through this grief.

He chose me to use.

He chose me to be crushed.

He chose to leave me with this to deal with alone

He chose me to abandon.

He chose me to disappoint.

He chose me to bear the hurt.

He chose to break my heart.

He chose me to bear the shame of being the other woman.

He chose me to hide in the shadows.

He chose me to keep his secrets.

He chose me to leave.

He chose me to reject.

He chose me to leave with the scars of him.

He chose me to cry for him.

He chose me to live in the shadows.

He chose me to silence.

He chose me to deal with the aftermath of our affair.

He chose me to move forward without him.

He chose me to wear the scarlet A.

He chose me to mourn him.

He chose me to shut out.

He chose me to tear to shreds.

He chose me to bear this cross.

He chose me…

Left behind…


Wow…Today and yesterday have been some days I tell you.  Now that the distractions that occured over Friday, Saturday and Sunday have passed, it has given me much time to reflect on things.  Working on the grief that is always right below the surface is a hard thing to do.  Something that is necessary for me to move forward.  I say move forward, because I don’t think I will ever move on from him.  Move on, implies forgetting and becoming indifferent.  Whereas, moving forward just means, well moving in a linear pattern into the future.  Imagine a number line, moving forward implies going from number into the next until finally you reach a destination, but there is no progress up, just straight. That seems to be my days right now, making tally marks on a calendar, hoping one day the tally marks will add up to feeling better.  How many tears are required to get there.  How many hours that are lived hour by hour until I am there.  I don’t know.  Some days I feel numb, somedays I feel better (but never OK), and somedays, like today I am drowning in the tears I cry.  Yet, like a programed doll I get up shower and take care of my children at a minimum, because I know this is not fair to them and life must go on.  There are days I cry while I cook, cry while I shower, I cry myself to sleep and I cry in my sleep, cry upon waking.  Yet, I get up every day and do it all over again, and I will do it every day…Know why?  I refuse to let my kids lose their mom to this.  

I can’t get past the feelings of abandonment and being left behind. I wonder if he knows the deep hurt and crevice he left in me?  I wonder if he feels the amount of pain I do.  I doubt it.  I made him my world, and I was just a small sliver of his.  I am sure he has no idea the deep ache that is in me, because I never had the place of significance in his life that I gave him in my life.   How could he know the hole he left in me when he never carved enough space to have a hole this large?  

I went back today and spent an hour rereading texts trying to peek inside his head.  The difference in the texts is pretty astounding over the past several months.  It wasn’t just that though, it was the lack of phone calls, the visits that almost came to a stop, the tone of the texts…Our communication had become so strained.  Probably because I was becoming more frustrated with the lack of progress and my awareness of his waffling. My emotions were so sad that I found it hard to be the playful, cheery girl he fell in love with.  I was too weak in the end to push through it.  I think he was looking for an out that wouldn’t be ugly,and he found it when I finally gave up and he took the opportunity.  I wonder sometimes if he only hung in there afraid that I would retaliate and hurt his family.  I would never do that, never even thought I would.  I think the holidays are when he stopped loving me.  I felt the distance start then.  

I am left with the feelings of being tossed aside. The words for how this feels when this occurs, I don’t think I can articulate it correctly…shock, sorrow, hurt, anger, resentment, humilation, sadness, incomprehensible, extreme grief, guilt, inadequacy, abandoned, foolish, worthless.  It is a hurt so deep it cuts into your soul and chisels at your heart.  I wonder if I will ever be able to listen to music again, or not stuggle to make myself face my day, or look at the face another and not have to hide my pain…it all feels so unfair as to why I was left with the weight and sorrow of this and he is not.  I guess, I will always wonder why he found it so easy to toss me aside.  Truthfully, my heart knows the reason, it just doesn’t want to examine it, for it is more than I can stand right now.  I wish he had found me worthy to be kept, but he did not.  So, I will somehow have to push forward, and get through my days on the number line until one day this gets a little easier, it has to.  

I would tell him…

So, today a long-term and dear family friend was struck with a tragedy.  She found her only surving child dead in her home.  Our family friend is 85-years-old and her daughter was 62.  We are so close to this lady, like family.  Our family was the first she called upon finding her.  This was an unexpected death and there were no formal good byes or I love you’s exchanged.

This has hit so close to home right now.  The death of loved one is final, and not having the chance to say goodbye or one last I love you is heartbreaking.  Though I am sure the daughter who died knew how very much she was loved during her lifetime, you still want to the chance to say it.

This event brought to the surface that I never really had that chance with W.  I was so angry, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, let-down and wallowing in my own pity party I never took the opportunity to tell him what he meant to me, the positive differences he made in my life, or how much I would miss him, or how much I loved him and always would.  You know, the things you would say to a loved one who is dying and you know you will never see them again…at least in this lifetime.

Grieving the loss of a significant relationship is much like grieving the death of a loved one.  I wish I had treated the ending as such, but often in the immediate turmoil of breaking up that gets lost.  My mind was in a fog during those immediate days.  All I could think is “Is this really happening?”  I was focusing on getting out of bed, showering, making sure kids got to school and home safely…I was in survival mode.

I still feel his loss every day.  At first I wanted to review the texts over and over and look at pictures of us together in happier times.  I haven’t been able to bring myself to do that in the past week.  It is too painful and I need to move forward.  But today, I was reminded of how fleeting life is, and  the ending that he and I had after almost a year of an epic love story has played over and over in my mind.

If I had to do it over again I would tell him… This is not what I want to do it all, but this is what I feel I need to do for self preservation.  That he is the love of my life and always will be.  How much I will miss him every day, and there will never be a day I will not think of him.  That he mattered and made a difference in my life. That he is my soul mate and every day will forever be imprinted with that now that my heart had met his.  That I wish him health, peace and happiness.  That I will miss his stories about his life and his children.  I would tell him that I will always hear his laughter in my head, and see his smile in mind.  I would tell him that I loved his gentle nature, his calmness, sense of humor and mannerisms.  I would tell him that I will miss his touch and how he made love to my thoughts. But mostly, I would want him to know how truly much I love him and always will.

I never really got a chance to say goodbye to him, nor him to me.  I hope he knows these things and carries them with him.  I would give anything to be able to communicate with him, but I will continue to honor his choice to not communicate as I journey on. Don’t forget to tell the ones you love that you love them.  You never know what words might be the final ones spoken.