Little steps…

I haven’t really had much to write.

Things with W and I have been moving slowly forward.  We aren’t where we were back in November, but each day I see little glimmers of that beautiful couple begin to emerge again. We aren’t the same people that were before winter, something happened to us through December, January and February.  I think I can see clearly now what happened.  It was a lot of both of us.

In the recent weeks, my attitude has softened towards him.  I don’t feel as defensive as I did.  I think I was so guarded with him and afraid he would hurt me and I never trusted that he wouldn’t.  Why would I, every man I have ever been with broke my heart, but that doesn’t mean he will.  He is different than the others.  I saw that clearly the first time we met.  The way I responded to him physically and emotionally was completely different than I had ever responded to another man.

He knocked me off my feet and broke the mold of what I thought love between two lovers would look like.  Yet, in the back of my mind the ghosts and experiences of my past still haunted me and I never learned to trust him and that he wouldn’t hurt me.  If I had done what he had asked, and given myself to him completely like he asked me to do countless times he and I would be in a completely different place and December, January and February would have never happened.  I have no doubt in that.

I have decided to trust him and the process.  Perhaps he was sent to me to learn patience and trust.  As I do this, I see him responding to me in new ways as he learns to trust again too.  We are quite the pair I tell you.

Today, I feel at peace and warm when I think of him.  It is amazing what it feels like when you give yourself over to someone and the process and just let go of the fear and anxiety.  I trust him.  Trust that he won’t hurt me.  Trust that he will be there for me.  I trust him.

Last night he called me late and we had such a nice conversation. He was so sweet on the phone and it felt like old times. It wasn’t a planned phone call and I loved the surprise of that.  I love it when W surprises me.   I love this man, and I have no doubt we were meant to meet and be together.  I have felt that from the first moments we knew each other.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Soul mate…

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Things are still going well with W and I.  Nothing really new to report, except I can’t wait until I see him again.  Hopefully sometime this week if all works out.  So much still going on in my life and his, but we are in this thing called life together.  I feel his presence even though miles separate us.  I am so grateful for that.  I am not taking anything about he and I for granted anymore, that is for sure.  I love him, and I have decided to be there with him through wherever life takes us.  He is my soul mate.  

Laughing…

I just wanted to say it feels good to be laughing with W again.  We hadn’t really done that together in very long while.  

One of the many things that made us, well us…is our ability to make jokes with each other and laugh together.  We are joking, playful, and laughing again. We are truly happy, upbeat people who have a zest for life and we share a love of funny movie quotes, sarcasm and making fun of our silly selves. That feels so good to be able to laugh with him. it feels good to be speaking in our twin language.  It feels good to have let go of the hurt, resentment, and anger.  It feels good to be able to just talk without talking about our problems.  It just feels good.  

I feel the girl I was before November peeking her head back out.  That girl is a lot of fun and a whole lot of happy! It feels so good to see her again letting the sun shine on her face.  

I look forward to sharing the next chapter of W and I with you, my follow bloggers and readers, as we have clearly turned to the next chapter. 

My friend told me today I write with a raw emotion in my blog.  My God, I went back today and looked at it…Who is that person?  I didn’t even recognize her, but when I went back and read it my words were only a portion of the darkness and sadness I felt. 

I hope the happy girl I really typically am, comes across just as well as the girl who wrote the last 80 posts.  

So, as I turn the chapter with W, I am also turning the chapter in my blog, and I will be writing about the positive aspects as I move forward.  They say whatever you focus on is what you end up with.  Well, Negative Nelly has left this blog for now, stay tuned! 

It’s been a while…

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I haven’t posted here in a long time.  I have been keeping up with a few of my blogging friends over the last couple of weeks privately.

On the day of my last post, I got hit with some really hard stuff.  Without going into too much detail, I found myself overwhelmed with life…  I got hit with something huge and I hit bottom.  While I was trying so desperately to stay afloat in this thing called life.  I was like a boat at sea that was bailing water to stay afloat and I basically got blindsided by hurricane and I was in trouble of drowning.

I did what I had fought for weeks not to do, and the only thing I knew to do, and that is I reach out to W.  I needed him at that moment and only the comfort he could offer.  After downing what probably equated to three bottles of wine that day, I texted him what was going on.

He responded immediately, even though it was extremely late at night. We talked by text for two hours that night as I told him what was happening and he calmed me down and reassured me.  He said he was glad I had reached out to him.  We shared lots of thoughts about the the three weeks we didn’t speak. He had never really left me, though it had felt like it.

We have since talked every day and I have seen him since then.  He even stayed with me one night, and I am not a bit sorry either.  It was the best sleep I had gotten in weeks. It was the first time my world had felt right in a long time.

There has been a lot of communication, a lot of me wanting answers, as to where we go from here.

Before the break up there was a distance that crept in to our relationship over a course of a few months that I didn’t understand.  We have discussed that and I now know where the origin of that came from. I understand where things went wrong and why we are where we are. This may have been the best thing for us in the long term.

He is not completely to blame for where things broke down, though I did a lot of blaming.  I have owned my part in what happened, and so has he. Sometimes in relationships you have to step back and step in the other person’s shoes.  That is hard to do when you are dealing with your own pain, hurt, anger and frustration.  It is hard when you are living in a fog.  However, the fog is lifting and I see this as way more complicated than either he or I first saw it when we fell in love.

He and I have decided to work on things.  I don’t know how it will turn it out, but I do firmly believe that he was put in my life for a reason and I plan to see it through.  The odds that we even met each other were so slim to none, and the incredible love and connection we share is so rare, it is hard to imagine there isn’t some other reason for us than this.

As for my personal crisis, it is still ongoing.  It will be for a while.  Each day is a different adventure right now.  Some days are good and some days are bad, but no day is as bad as the three weeks he wasn’t in my life. I’ll take it.

I want to continue my blog for the women who reach out to me and are interested in other women’s stories who go through this.  I have it here raw and though edited for privacy for W and I, the feelings are real.  And I want our story to be recorded.

Today, W and I are good and on solid ground.  And I find that I am, dare I say happy for the most part. I am actually excited for the future and what it holds in store for me, and for W.  My boat is still rocked by the hurricane that hit me two weeks ago, but I know I have many friends and family members that will help me weather the storm, and have helped me weather the storm…many of which I met right here.  And I also have my first mate, W, right by my side too.  We got this.

Three weeks out from break up…

I am three weeks out today from ending things with W.  I have received a few emails from people wanting to know how I am and others who are wondering what the process will be like when/if they choose to end things, so here is my update. 

  • The heaviness is still in my heart everyday.  Some days it is better when I am really busy with just life, but it is a constant that never goes away. 
  • Most days now I am able to get through life, but I still have times when I feel like I am just surving and not living. 
  • He is still my first thought when I wake up.
  • I comfort myself as I am falling asleep, by remembering the times he would spoon me as I drifted off.  I allow my mind to take me there just so I can get some rest. 
  • I no longer look at my phone 1000s of times a day to see if he has contacted me.  I have come to accept that I will probably never hear from him again.  I am not even sure that if I made contact he would respond.  That fear is what keeps me from contacting him.  I don’t think I could handle that rejection.  
  • I have yet to go on my date.  Though this gentleman must be the most patient man ever, because I have backed out for some reason or another at the last minute 5 times now.  The desire just hasn’t been there. 
  • There are still triggers that will bring me to my knees.  I gave him so much of myself, that he is everywhere.  I haven’t been able to face those yet.  For example, this past weekend someone mentioned a restaurant that he and I had been to, and I had only ever been to with him.  I had to turn my eyes away to blink back the tears. I felt one escape and land on my cheek and I wondered to myself if I would ever be able to eat there or even hear it mentioned without instantly falling apart.  He and I were always the crazy in love people you would see with all the PDA sitting right next to each other, and people would often comment on happy and insanely happy and in love we were. 
  • I am depressed.  I am in mourning.  In a lot of ways this has been like grieving a death.  I shared a link on here a while back called Silence Kills Relationships and it is so true.  I can feel the silence between us killing our relationship, our connection and our bond.  Our relationship is in the process of dying, and that is hard to let it happen. 
  • I still love him with every atom in my being.  I still haven’t found other men attractive or even had any desire to be with another man.  He is the man I wanted to spend my life with.  Even when I was married I would find myself attracted to other men.  Then after I left my husband I had a few boyfriends, but I never really felt certain they were the one. With W, I just knew he was it.  He was the one.  All of my broken relationships had led me to him.  He was where I was supposed to be, and I was absolutely certain about that.  I had never felt a love like that before, either from someone or for someone.  Our love felt so huge, and I never, ever wanted to be in the arms of another man.  He was it.  I still feel that way. Right now it feels hopeless that I will find that again with another man, but I hope one day I do.  
  • I no longer fantasize that he will show up on my doorstep and tell me that this was all a big mistake and take me in his arms.  
  • I have stopped daydreaming about us being married and our future.  The hopes and promises I used to cling to have all fallen by the way side. 
  • I was just telling another blogging friend, that I have isolated myself in the last three weeks, except for a select group of people. I have just spent time with my kids and a few friends.  Facing the world right now with a fake smile seems hard to do.  I haven’t gone out much.  I don’t feel like socializing or being around people.  Like I said, I am depressed.  I haven’t figured out yet, how to get out of the house without the world taking one look at my face and seeing my pain.  And I don’t talk to anybody about him except for a couple of people. 
  • I have finally resigned and have accepted the depression.  I am no longer fighting it.  It feels like an old friend actually.  The hurt and the pain are the only things I have left of him.  In some sick, weird and twisted way I find some comfort in the grief, because it reminds me that he was real and my love for him was real.  Sometimes, I cry but not like before.  I am no longer spending hours with uncontrolable crying.  
  • I haven’t been angry in a while.  The anger has finally passed. 
  • I still miss him all the time.  Every day, all day.