I haven’t really had much to write.
Things with W and I have been moving slowly forward. We aren’t where we were back in November, but each day I see little glimmers of that beautiful couple begin to emerge again. We aren’t the same people that were before winter, something happened to us through December, January and February. I think I can see clearly now what happened. It was a lot of both of us.
In the recent weeks, my attitude has softened towards him. I don’t feel as defensive as I did. I think I was so guarded with him and afraid he would hurt me and I never trusted that he wouldn’t. Why would I, every man I have ever been with broke my heart, but that doesn’t mean he will. He is different than the others. I saw that clearly the first time we met. The way I responded to him physically and emotionally was completely different than I had ever responded to another man.
He knocked me off my feet and broke the mold of what I thought love between two lovers would look like. Yet, in the back of my mind the ghosts and experiences of my past still haunted me and I never learned to trust him and that he wouldn’t hurt me. If I had done what he had asked, and given myself to him completely like he asked me to do countless times he and I would be in a completely different place and December, January and February would have never happened. I have no doubt in that.
I have decided to trust him and the process. Perhaps he was sent to me to learn patience and trust. As I do this, I see him responding to me in new ways as he learns to trust again too. We are quite the pair I tell you.
Today, I feel at peace and warm when I think of him. It is amazing what it feels like when you give yourself over to someone and the process and just let go of the fear and anxiety. I trust him. Trust that he won’t hurt me. Trust that he will be there for me. I trust him.
Last night he called me late and we had such a nice conversation. He was so sweet on the phone and it felt like old times. It wasn’t a planned phone call and I loved the surprise of that. I love it when W surprises me. I love this man, and I have no doubt we were meant to meet and be together. I have felt that from the first moments we knew each other.
I hope everyone has a nice weekend!