First of all things are going well for W and I. After my last blog post W came for a visit, which I knew about, but surprised me staying an extra night. He helped me with some stuff I needed done and brought me the prettiest floral arrangement. There was lots of sex, but his last night here we took a long sensual bath together with music, and then spent the next hour just enjoying each other sexually. We had a great visit and spoke at length about him getting a divorce. He seems like he is finally really trying to figure out what he needs to do, and how to do it. So, now that you are up to speed, fast forward to yesterday and today…
W sent me lots of photos yesterday. One of them was of he and his son. He had his left arm around his son, and had his hand resting on his shoulder. The first thing I noticed was the shiny wedding band sitting on his finger. I have never seen the wedding band, though he had told me he wears it when he isn’t with me. For those who are curious I asked where he keeps it when he isn’t wearing the wedding band. He said he simply leaves it at home. Anyways, I digress. So, I see the wedding ring, and immediately feel my heart sink. I didn’t say anything at first as I was tending to my children, but later that night I sat down to make a comment on it. Well, that is when the mistext comes into place. Instead of sending the text to W, I sent this very personal text to my ex-husband who has no idea that W is married. My relationship with my ex-husband is not a good one. However, I didn’t realize until today what I had done.
I immediately texted W what had happened as soon as I realized it this morning. I felt like I was going to throw up. Honestly. W was sick about it too. We spoke at length over the phone about it. My ex never mentioned the text. So, I think I am going to pretend it didn’t happen. Most of the people in my life know that I am with a married man, they know him. I introduced W to a lot of my family and friends, before I knew he was married. I had introduced him as a widower with no children that lived in a different place and told them he had a different last name. Why? Because that is what he had told me. We fell madly in love during that time. Once I found out the truth and he and I decided to move forward with truly being together and getting married, I had to tell my family that he had three children, that he had a wife, he lived in a different town, and his last name was different. There was no way to hide the truth from them. I was surprised at how supportive most people were frankly, including my parents. However, I hadn’t told my ex anything about him and never told him he was married. This is definitely not something I want my ex knowing about W, but it happened. So, what do you do, you can’t undo it.
Back to the wedding ring issue. I did finally get the message to W that it bothered me to see it on his finger. He asked me what kind of ring I would like to see there. We sent a couple of pictures of different rings…one funny, one serious. That lighten the mood a bit, but I am still bummed about it. Even though we are in a long distance relationship and he is married, we stay connected through our phones from early in the day until late at night. We text often and daily. So this is how the text convo goes tonight:
Me: Did you know that you are my favorite person? I want to share in all that you love. You are my choice for a life partner. I want a lifetime with you. I want to be by your side for always. I truly, madly deeply love you. I want you and need you. I want to believe that we are different and we will one day be together. I want to believe that so badly.
W: You are my favorite person in the world too. I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving someone. Every single day I honestly imagine my life with you as your partner..your husband. You make me so happy and you mean everything to me.
I believe he does feel this way and they aren’t just words, because I know the love between us. I know our daily conversations. I know his reasons for not getting divorced right now, but It is incredibly difficult playing the waiting game. And it so hard when you feel like you are that person’s soul mate, my twin flame, to know that he is living with a woman that is the one entitled to him that carries his name, mothered their children, and lives with him. I have never met his wife, spoken to her, or seen her in person. I have only ever been to the town where they live together once (he is a couple hundred miles away). I have seen pictures of her, but that is it. I have wondered if I would recognize her if I was to randomly bump into her. I have wondered what her story would be about W if I ever spoke to her. I think not knowing her, makes her not seem as real in my head. Well, and the fact that he is in constant contact with me. I have spoken to other OW, and many of them say that there are only certain times they are in contact with their MM. That isn’t the case for us. We are in constant contact all day and until late at night. It wasn’t like that in the beggining, but it has become like that for the last year or so. I haven’t had to contend with them going on family vacations together. We do things in public like a normal couple. He sees my family and friends. We don’t hide from PDA, even the one time we were in his town together, he didn’t mind the PDA. He doesn’t speak of her much to me, so even though my head is aware, I don’t have any real reminders that he is married most days. Until I saw that wedding band yesterday.
I am going to his town next weekend. I will spend 4 days there and I will have time with him each day. I am really looking forward to that. I hope there will be some talk and progress forward. I will let you know.