There is blue in his eyes…

Yesterday, W and I were sitting outside and I noticed the blue ring around the iris of his eye.  He has big, brown eyes that melt me, but every now and then I catch a glimpse of this blue ring around his iris.  I tell him how I like the blue circle in his eyes…he laughs at me and thinks I am seeing things.  Today, he texts me that he looked in the mirror this morning and he saw the blue in his eyes that I was talking about.  Then follows up with a little message about how I notice things that nobody has ever noticed about him.

God, I love that man.  I love him with the depth and wonderment I love my children.  You remember how when your kids were babies you studied every square inch of their little bodies, kissed every inch, knew every laugh and cry, everything they did was so cute, you couldn’t stop looking at them.  That is the depth of love I feel for him.  I have never loved a man like I love him.  I didn’t even know it was possible to love a man with that much depth.  I could literally stare at him for hours and not get bored.  I love to look at him, to smell him, to feel the warmth of his touch, to listen to him laugh, to hold his hand.  I just enjoy him.

I know that every woman in my shoes feels the way that I do.  That their love is unique and special and I am no exception.  I toss around in my head the idea of moving on…Being the OW is so painful.  It is a path riddled with peaks and valleys, secrets, guilt, ecstasy, heartache, longing…it is a story of unrequitted love. Not unrequitted in that you know the joys of holding them, kissing them, feeling their body against yours…but you will never know what it is like to have their mother hug you, to have him announce to the world that he loves you, to stand next to him at public events or to wake daily with him knowing he isn’t going to another shortly.

He says I know him better than anyone, even himself.  Maybe I do, but to be fair I don’t know him outside of this affair.  I don’t see him in his day to day life.  I have never seen him with his children, or interact with his mom and dad, or hang out with a friend, or nursed him back to health when he was sick.  I may be the keeper of his secrets, but I don’t know him outside of the affair. I don’t know him the way his wife, family and friends know him.  He is a private person.  He guards his secrets and holds his emotions in check.  I know his biggest secret…me…but really that is all I know really.  I don’t share his history.

When he says I know him…He means I know everything he has allowed me to see.  I can trace his body with my fingers.  I know how he showers, I can trace his freckles and moles with my fingers. I know his body well and what he likes.  I know his sense of humor and what makes him laugh. I know the touches and words that set his body on fire.  I can look at a menu and know what he will order.  I know what emotion he is feeling by looking on his face.  I know what time my phone will ding with the first text message of the day.  I know that after approximately 2 weeks he will get the itch to see me.  I know the music he will like and a TV show he will find enjoyable.  I know how he will react when I am upset.  I know how he acts when he is upset. I know the first places his fingers will touch when he reaches out to hold me.  I know what his lips will feel like on mine, or what his breath will smell like.  I could draw him with my eyes closed.  I know what drinks he will order from a bar.  I know what he smells like after sex.  I know the breathing changes that occur and when he is close to climax.  I know him sexually inside and out.  I know the things to say to get him going.  What turns him on and what turns him off.  I can tell when he is sleepy.  I know the position he will wake up in.  And what the smoothness of his back will feel like as curl into him to sleep.  I know what his fingers feel like as he shampoos my hair.

I know him, but I don’t know him.  I will never measure up to the history he shares with his wife and family.

There is blue in his eyes…

 

 

Feelings stuffing…

The last couple of weeks of have been weeks of THOSE days.  You know the days I am talking about.  The days where you just go through the motions trying to minimize the hurt feelings and keep your smile.  I realized I have been stuffing my feelings down to the point I have no where left to stuff them.  I feel like a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

I have so much going on, the biggest of which is a custody battle over my children.

I have had my children on my own for over six years.  My ex saw them infrequently as he moved over 400 miles away from us. This last year my ex and I have lived in the same town and he has taken more of an interest in them. Back in the spring he filed for sole custody and requested child support from me.  He had been in my home the night before as I had just gotten back from chaperoning a weekend school trip with my oldest daughter.  He brought the younger one home and came in while I was telling him about things that happened during the school trip.  The next day a court officer delivered the papers.  It was like a kick in the teeth. For those of you following my story, the day I was served papers was the same day I ended the no contact with W.  It was just too much at one time.

Now, my ex is a man who has never paid child support to me, I never asked for it.  This isn’t about whether he thinks I am a good mother, in fact he has told me that he believes I am an excellent mother, a little over protective, but an excellent mother nonetheless.  I have two beautiful, well adjusted daughters who are doing well in school.  I am at every school function, know their teachers well, volunteer at their schools to the point that everyone knows me.  For the last ten years I have gotten them to and from school, packed lunches, did homework, chaperoned trips, worked school parties, did fundraisers…I am an active mother.  A month before the papers were filed I moved into a new place and he got scared I would come after him for child support.  So he decided to he didn’t want to pay (not that I had filed or even mentioned child support to him) so he filed for custody and child support.  Needless to say, things between he and I have been tense at best since that.  Before that we were amicable.  Very amicable.

Things with W are at a stalemate.  Nothing has changed there.  I am miserable with how the relationship is, and he isn’t.  So nothing changes.  He likes it this way.  He wants it this way.  So…no motivation=no change. I am so frustrated. Between feeling powerless with the custody case (unless you agree to hand over your kids and pay child support to an absent father I am forced to pay thousands of dollars to the legal system to keep my childre…no power in that) and feeling powerless to make changes in my relationship with W…I feel powerless.  I realize that I have two choices with W…either continue you on playing by his rules or end it.  The ending it scares me.  The what if questions…

Will I be strong enough to get through it?

What if I hold out just a bit longer?

What if I never feel the way I do in W’s arms in another man’s arms?

However, my self esteem, confidence, feelings or worthiness have all taken such a hit.  I almost don’t care anymore.  I just want the hurt to end.  I wonder if the hurt will be worse after than it is now.  There is no joy in being the OW for me.  The little bits of time I get with him are huge price to pay for the damage it does to my wellbeing.  I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know something has to change.  Somehow, some way I have to find a way to take control over my life again.  I know what I want…for myself, my children, my love life…this is not it.

 

The Liebster Award…

Thank you so much to Smittenwithhim for nominating me for this award! I really love how honest your blog is about the challenges you face and is written with grace and compassion, and I also appreciate the supportive comments you leave not only on my blog, but others as well! 🙂

 

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The rules are:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.
  2. Display the award on your blog by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”.
  3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
  4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
  5. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers.
  6. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers to answer.
  7. List these rules on your post.
    Once you have written and published it, you then have to:
  8. Inform people/blogs that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!) .

The 11 questions smittenwithhim had for her nominees are:

  1. What was your favorite book as a child? Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Siverstein
  2. What is your favorite midnight snack? Chips and Salsa
  3. If you got to have a fictional dinner party, who would you invite? Edwards and Bella, and all the Cullens
  4. When you were a kid, did you ever wish for another name? Yes
  5. What was it? Jessie, I don’t know why
  6. Any tattoos? Nope, and I can’t ever see myself getting one.
  7. You can visit anyplace, real or fictional.  Where do you go? I would love to visit Italy.
  8. Write a haiku about your favorite article of clothing.  Yoga pants.  So very comfy.  stretchy and light…I am not a poet 🙂 
  9. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night Owl for sure! 
  10. What is your favorite movie? Bridget Jones Diary
  11. Do any of your friends follow your blog? I have made a couple of friends here on my blog, but nobody that I knew outside of the blogging world before my blog.  Though I know that W has read it on occasion, but he doesn’t follow it, or at least I am not aware if he is. 

My Nominees are:

Damagedbytheageof3

is me is really me

An Open Heart

The Opposite Side of the Street

The Recovery of Words

Being Her

There are many more I would have nominated, but I believe I saw on other blogs they already were.

My 11 questions for my nominees:

1. What are you top best 5 memories?

2. What is your favorite day of the week and why?

3. Where is your most favorite place you have traveled?

4. Have you ever participated in”paying it forward?”

5. What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

6. What is the one thing you can do that will make you feel better instantly on a bad day?

7.  What is your favorite food?

8. What is your favorite quote?

9. If you had to guess, on average how many times a day do you think you say the words “I love you?”

10. If you could be a butterfly where would you fly to?

11. What is your favorite kind of wine?

Thanks again smittenwithhim for the nomination! I really appreciate it!

Change only happens when a person is highly motivated…

Change only happens when a person is highly motived to change, not when you want them to change ~ Dr. Wexler on TrueTori

Truer words have never been spoken.

Think about for just a moment….

 

OK, have you ever forced somebody to change by simply asking them without giving them some sort of motivation? Take children for example…motivation can come in the form of a reward. Money for good grades.  Or they get to do something special if they complete these chores.  Motivation can also come in the form of punishment.  If you get bad grades you will lose your phone for two weeks. Or, if you hit your sister again you will sit in time out.  Change does not happen without motivation.

This is basic B.F Skinner, Operant Conditioning.  However, it took me watching a silly reality show…

Well, it isn’t silly.  I do believe that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are dealing with the aftermath of his affair.  I have been cheated on and she is not that good of an actress to pull off those very real, raw emotions.  I can’t stop watching this stupid show.  I relate and I’m hooked. i digress…

Motivation=change

motivation-weight loss

motivation=good grades

motivation=quit smoking

motivation=college degree

motivation=clean house

motivation=a new job.

Many things motivate, but what is the biggest motivator of all time?  Fear.  Fear of not having enough money.  Fear of being alone.  Fear of going without food, water or shelter.  Fear of being a failure.  Fear of losing your loved ones.  Fear of dying early.  Fear of commitment.  Fear of divorce.  Fear…is the single most movitator for human behavior.  The flip side of the desire to have something is the fear of not having it.  For example.  I desire to live a long life = fear of dying early.  I desire to make my parents proud = fear of disppointing parents.

What reinforces human behavior…primary needs like…food, water, sex, affection, human acceptance, etc…what is on the flip side of  that??? That’s right folks…fear.

So, if you are struggling to figure out why someone has done or is doing a behavior that is destructive, you can find the motivating cause most likely in reinforced behaviors or fear and desire.  What will make them change their behavior?  Their desire to, which is driven by what? Fear or Desire! That’s right.  And what is the best way to change someone else’s behavior?  That’s right… change your own behavior! After all insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Just a little food for thought!