Making love to thoughts…


I saw this on Being Her’s blog.  When I read the words a little more than a month ago, the person that came immediately to mind was W.  He was the epitome of this.  It is hard for me to think that this is the end of that beautiful period in my life, and the love and intimacy I shared with him.  Words fail me at the tremendous loss I feel.  The feelings of abandonment and rejection hurt to the core of my being right now.  Even though some may say our love was wrong, it was beautiful and genuine. Anybody who came across our path was taken by our shear love and affection for each other. We were beautiful.

Damn, I wish I didn’t miss him.  I wish I didn’t feel the sharp sting of this so bad.  I wish he didn’t completed me in such a way I feel broken and lost without him.  I wish he hadn’t been my soul mate.  I wish I didn’t love him.  But I do.


I wanted change, not an ending…

The thought for this post came to me as I was discussing it with friends.  Less like a discussion and more like a free flow of thoughts from me.  My mind has been all over the place these days.

For months I saw myself as having two options either accept things the way they are, or leave.  I hated my options.  Neither option appealed to me.  Both were horrific to think about.  What I really wanted was for my hurt to end.  Staying in things the way they were was a slow drip of nearly constant pain, that continuely got worse and threatened the beauty and the memory that was W and I.  I am a very compassionate person and I love him with everything in me, but my anger and resentment at him kept growing because he did nothing to ease or help with my pain.  He was in control of this, and I was powerless to make the necessary changes that I needed to be happy with him.  I saw it as him denying me what he had promised me.  And, what he promised me he easily gave to others, while denying me.  The angrier I got the more he shirked away from me, which made the hurt, pain, anger and resentment worse, thus forming an ugly cycle.

Ending things.  God, the idea of that is still unbearable even as I am in the midst of it.  At moments the pain is so strong, and other times I feel numb.  I know on some level the pain is there for him too, but I know he is not experiencing this like me.  He would have made the changes if he was.  He would have done anything to avoid the pain I am going through in this moment if he was hurting like I am. One of my friends mentioned that I keep saying “If he loved me, he would do…”  There is some truth in that, but not the way she meant it. She said I am looking at his actions and comparing them to what I would do. I don’t know. I think there are certain actions that are a given when you love and care for someone. I think his actions or lack of action speaks volumes above his words.  His actions say one thing, his words say another.  Kind of like that phrase, “put your money where your mouth is.”  In all the books and articles on affairs they counsel to look at his actions and not his words.  His actions show me where his heart lies.  I’m not asking him to prove that he loves me by doing XYZ.  I’m looking for him to show me he loves me and cares about our relationship.

I wanted him to make the necessary changes to let us move forward in our love and relationship with one another. He thinks he would have to leave his children  (which are mostly adult children), rest assured that is not what I want at all.  I believe, and know he can have both, a fulfilling relationship and be good father who is present and vested in his children.  I did want him to make good on his promises to me.  I wanted him to show me that he valued me and our relationship.  I wanted him to take action instead of making promises or giving me reasons for why he couldn’t do what he had promised. If he was struggling with something I wanted him to look for a solution to overcome the obstacle, instead of using the obstacle for why he couldn’t.  I wanted him to fight for me, for us. i wanted him to continue to move forward, instead of taking steps back and accepting defeat.  I didn’t ask for the promises he offered up, he did those on his own voluntarily, without pressure from me.  I wanted him to take the leap and trust me and us, like I did.  I leaped without him, but I didn’t know it at the time. I was trying to fight for him, for us.  I didn’t know how to fight anymore, and to be honest I realized it wasn’t my fight, it was his.

I wanted him to love me enough.  Let me repeat, I wanted him to love me enough to do this for me and for us.  I wanted him to love me.

I wish I could go back six months ago.  I can’t.  I am left with the brokeness that is now us.  The words and exchanges between us have been different for a few months now.  I realize as I was appealing for change from him in the last few months, I was appealing to the W of six months ago, but my appeals were falling on deaf ears, as the W of today was hearing my appeals.  The W of six months ago would have moved mountains to stay by my side.  I don’t really know the W of today.  He and I are not that close.  I don’t know what changed, or why it changed.  I will probably never know.  I just know that I am left to grieve it alone without my dearest friend of a few months back that was my sweet, sweet W.

Today was one year…

I was trying to figure out a post for today.  How do you mark an anniversary that you can’t celebrate?  Well, I found my post in the things I learned.  The bits of knowledge I have gotten on my journey.  I found them in my comments to my network of women bloggers and their’s to mine.  So Happy Anniversary to me and W and the enlightenment our journey has given me:

Sparks and Lies;  She was talking about how mad she is because she waits for contact from him and she is tired of getting just scraps of his time.  She was mad like many of us OW get at feeling slighted, and we aren’t appreciated.

To Sparks and Lies: I could have written these words. Unfortunately, I think a lot of women in our shoes could have written these words. But given the stigma attached to us (why aren’t the men being blamed?) people often look at us like we deserve the treatment we get. And we do too, sometimes unfortunately. Me I feel your pain, and every woman that walked or walks in these shoes. It is a hard journey. Loving a man that is not ours and waiting for the scraps of time they decide is worthy to give us. You have to be a strong woman to be the other woman. Most people don’t know that, but we are women of strength. If you can find a bright spot, it is knowing not everyone has the backbone to be who we are! Big hug lady!

Ramblings of a Single, White, Fat, Middle Aged Chick:  In her post she was discussing how she is now talking to her MM after ending things.  Often times as OW we go no contact only to have contact later.  We some how think we have failed by not having enough strenght to not do so.  She wasn’t making apologies though because it is making her feel better.

To Ramblings of a Single, White, Fat, Middle Aged Chick: You know, when people die the one thing that people say they miss most about their loved one is the ability to have a conversation with them. To share the details of our lives with them. We have people do all kinds of things, write letters to their loved ones and burn them outside lifting the words to “heaven,” write letters and put them in a bottle in the ocean, go talk to them at the cemetary, etc… Communication is that important. If someone you loved died but you had the opportunity to talk to them or see them you would, without even thinking about it. When people say break-ups are like grieving a death, it is, but in death there are no doors left open. There isn’t the rejection factor to lick our wounds over. Staying no contact with someone you love dearly is nearly impossible. I have done it with ex’s in the past only because talking to them created more pain than it eliminated. As long as the communication makes at least one of you feel better, it will happen. Don’t feel guilty about that we are only human. I may need to put this on my blog, seeing how I wrote a post on yours. Ha! sorry.

Damaged by the Age of 3:  This was actually on my blog she posted about ending my relationship with W.  She was encouraging me not have any contact with him.

To Damaged by the Age of 3: I notice that everytime I see W, I feel more bonded and it is harder in the days immediately following a visit. Then the build up of not seeing him begins to take place and I start to want to see him so badly. Seeing him is a double edged sword, because the thrill of being with him is laced with the impending goodbye. I have read stories of going no contact both here and on a website. It sounds completely horrendous. Even months out, some of these ladies seem to be still grieving it really hard. I did hear from him some yesterday. What he said did make me feel a little bit better, but I know for sure I don’t want to be his other woman anymore. I either want  the whole pie that is him or I want to start looking for new pie. That is my simple truth and I won’t change that to accomodate him anymore.

The Agony of Being the Other Woman:  Miss AllieWestern and I connect in how similiar our affairs are.  Every affair is different, but hers just resonates within me.  She has lots of things to add to my journey as she is further down the path than I am.  I thank her for her insight as I know she still struggles at times. 

From The Agony of Being the Other Woman: I think for your long term sanity you need to dig deep and find the strength to persevere. You don’t have any other choice. It’s either that or to keep going as is. He needs to lose you to force him into any kind of action, that doesn’t necessarily mean he will, but if he’s ever going to do it, it’ll be when he realises he’s lost you.

From The Agony of Being the Other Woman: I feel your pain like it’s mine. And you are right so much of our story is so similar. The bit about the kids. My MM has mostly adult children too, and he actually spoke to them to ‘ask their permission’ if you will to leave. When they asked him to give it another go, he felt compeled to. l think that was when l realised that he wanted to leave but he had no idea how to do it. Their approval was so important to him and without it, what was already shaky ground for him became impossible. Like l said l’ve seen this movie before and it’s frightening watching it play out elsewhere. The only words l have to console you are, just as l’m so much stronger today and l’ve found the courage to say l will no longer be a part of this, so will you.

From The Agony of Being the Other Woman: If l may weigh in too… I’ve seen this movie before. In fact my name was above the title as the credits rolled. Both myself and my MM overlooked what your MM is overlooking. When your MM is the type that seeks approval to leave, feels the guilt of cheating, doesn’t want infiedlity to be the cause of the end of his marriage and is practically waiting for his wife to open the door and say “go be with the one you love” (like that’s ever going to happen) and you have a wife on the opposite end of the spectrum who still loves her husband despite the distance that has sneaked in between them and is totally unsuspecting of the fact that she has lost him to another, you have a major problem on your hands. I think this post needs to have flashing red light on top of it for all OW. No matter how much he loves you and how much he has fallen un-in-love with her, the minute he wants to leave her for you she is going to fight tooth and nail for him. She’s going to be the victim and you the ‘homewrecker’ that tried to steal her husband who she’s now decided she can’t live without, breath without, function without… I don’t doubt for a minute what he feels for you. I just don’t think he has any idea how his wife feels. The years of distance have made them strangers to one another and therefore he is clueless for what the fallout will bring to her. Add that to the guilt he’s going to be feeling about loving someone else and you have an impossible situation. I hope he finds the strength to be the man he thinks he is. I think it’s that moment that seperates the boys from the real men.
Sorry it’s turned into a post.

To Agony of Being the Other Woman: Allie, I always love your comments to me. I know that every affair is different, but ours seem to have so many similarities. You are exactly right. I think he is clueless about what his wife is thinking and believes. I also believe that his relationship with her is much closer than he has let on with me. I think he does play the attentive and dutiful husband at home. He tells me he is unhappy home, but I don’t think he is as unhappy as he has made me to believe in the past. He admitted yesterday that things were better with them now, then we first met a year ago. That FB post made me feel as if we were based on a lie. He knew I had to believe his marriage was over for me to continue in the affair. Most women need to believe that, right? So that they can continue and not feel as guilty and have hope that one day it will be more than an affair.

You are right. If he was to up and leave, she would fight tooth and nail, and I doubt he would have the strength to actually leave. Hell, he can’t even find the words to tell her he wants a divorce I doubt he would be able to follow through with it, if she started begging him to stay and making promises. He seeks approval from his children (mostly grown), her, family, friends, work colleagues, and even me…though I know from experience he is ok with disappointing me, I will be the first he disappoints before anybody else. I already know that I am the one that is expendable. Writing this to you has been kind of eye opening. Isn’t it funny how sometimes you sit and write and the fog divides just a little bit more. Thanks for letting me ramble on here in my reply! :)

Oh and I love the comment about the boys being separated from the men! So, true.

I wanna move onShe too is fighting her own battles has reached out to me.  Here were her words of advice to me.

I wanna move on: My MM told me same and like you, I confronted him with the FB pics but till now, I am not sure what he told me were the truth or mere lies. I do not know what to believe in anymore.
I ‘stalked’ her FB, waiting to catch MM when he lied and sadly I caught him lying a few more times. The excuse is always the same “Appearances – pictures may not tell the truth”.
What has this brought me? Nowhere – I wonder if MM knows the kind of pain that we go through when such things happen. A little part of me dies, every time I saw more loving pics of him & his family.
Let ignorance be your bliss… *hug*

Clearingskies97 : She is in a different place in her journey. She always has great uplifting advice.

From Clearingskies97: I’ve thought a lot about this post. When he warned her to be more comfortable with our relationship, he asked me to friend her on FB, which I did. I then had to look at posts of their family life. We had one argument last summer when something got posted about happily ever after on one of their FB pages (his or hers, I can’t remember) it was then that we both realized that, because we’d built our social connections, with the intention of, as he used to say, hiding in plain sight, there’d be no easy out. After I told him to choose and he picked her (an empowering step even though I knew what he’d say, btw) the way that I found out he’d told her was that all of a sudden she was gone from my FB. He never told me, I gad to ask him what he’d done…. After we’d promised that we’d never say anything – no matter what, he told her & let me find out on FB. (Yet he’s mad that I didn’t keep his secret… Just a little pot-kettle, but whatever). When we first split, it’d drive me crazy to read her WordPress blog, (I used to be unable to resist peeking at it from time to time before she knew that I knew about it – he knew I knew about the blog, but he never told her, so I’d get these peeks at her mindset, when she never knew I was looking) where she’d go on and on about the normalcy of their life, all the whilst I knew that they were supposed to be healing from his allegedly “emotional” affair. Her writing back then made me realize that she’d used social media not to reflect her true life, but to portray the image that she wanted the world to believe to be true. One day I realized that peeking into her mind was not a view that I wanted to see, nothing good could come of it. I’ve not been back to her blog since that day, and not for all the money in the world would I go back. IMHO if she’s all of a sudden started posting about wedded bliss when she’s not done so before, chances are she’s aware that something is going on. It’s plain that his history makes it challenging for you to trust what he says, least of all about his marriage, but equally, there’s no reason to believe that anything on her social media is the truth. Protect yourself… Do not look at her social media – no good can come to you from doing so. The bigger question is, do you want to be with a man who you know you cannot 100% trust? Don’t envy her wedded bliss – even if she’s sincere, her bliss is laced with his lies.{hugs} & sorry for the verbose reply!

Complictgrace: You and I are walking this journey side by side it seems.  While I wish we didn’t have to, we share lots of truths.  I found strength in something I said to you.

To Compicitgrace: I would love to give you a hug and sob with you. I just want to give you a reminder…look for the silver lining. Look for what he brought to your life. The lessons learned that you can take away. The purpose he served. Honor it, as you did him, and then allow yourself the moment to grieve it then move on. I am sure you are an attractive person who is worthy of so much! But don’t dishonor yourself in your grief. You are where you are because this is where you are supposed to be. However, as the OW you become powerless. You can take back that power and determine your own destiny. Yes, you love him. Yes, he made an impact (probably huge), but it doesn’t define you, no more than being the OW. This is your life, your journey…you can decide to end it, and move on and yet honor who he was in your journey. Neither of you are bad people, just bad in your circumstances. You have a lot of choices! Make the one that is best for you. Follow your gut and love yourself!

Mckismeisreallyme: She is a super hero in my book.  She is compassionate and caring, even when dealing with her own health crisis, she never fails to care about her fellow lady dealing with her own pain.  Big hug and hope you are ok.  You have been quiet.

From mckismeisreallyme: I agree with clearingskies97…there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are human and falling in love is proof of that. You got there through a series of experiences, decisions and things going on in your own life that brought you to a place in your personal journey that led to W and what you needed at that time. How you both arrived at the same place is something that only you can answer from your side of the equation as he has his own path but it doesn’t mean you weren’t mean to connect. In trying to make sense of everything myself, I’ve found that accepting that logic doesn’t always govern the heart or human emotion helps makesme look harder for what the lesson is in the first place. Maybe it’s to show you that you have the capacity to love fully and completely in a way you haven’t before. Maybe it reveals to someone else that they need to make bigger changes in their lives. There is a why but it might not be realized until you find yourself looking back with bittersweet nostalgia instead of pain and longing. I wish I could ease your ache, if even for a bit. {hugs}

It’s late and I know I left some of you wonderful people out, who have reached out to me.  Just know that all of your kind words have touched me and my journey.  Your kindness and caring from “strangers” has touched me in a way I cannot express.  As I celebrate my one year anniverasary with W, albeit without him…I want you to know all of your words carried me today.  One day closer to feeling better.  I hope.  Big hugs ladies…and handful of gentlemen!

Header photo…

Have you ever noticed my header photo?  I feel like the pissed off girl on the right.  I don’t get mad often or for long.  This is exhausting.  I am so grateful for the sleep that will overcome me shortly.  Usually, when I have felt like this I have been unable to sleep sometimes for days.  So, I am taking my melatonin and I am heading to bed.

I will write more about my happenings with W tomorrow. Sorry for the frequent posts, but I am trying to get it out.  It seems to be the only thing that dulls my emotions just slightly.

Good night W.  I love you.