Making love to thoughts…

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I saw this on Being Her’s blog.  When I read the words a little more than a month ago, the person that came immediately to mind was W.  He was the epitome of this.  It is hard for me to think that this is the end of that beautiful period in my life, and the love and intimacy I shared with him.  Words fail me at the tremendous loss I feel.  The feelings of abandonment and rejection hurt to the core of my being right now.  Even though some may say our love was wrong, it was beautiful and genuine. Anybody who came across our path was taken by our shear love and affection for each other. We were beautiful.

Damn, I wish I didn’t miss him.  I wish I didn’t feel the sharp sting of this so bad.  I wish he didn’t completed me in such a way I feel broken and lost without him.  I wish he hadn’t been my soul mate.  I wish I didn’t love him.  But I do.

I wanted change, not an ending…

The thought for this post came to me as I was discussing it with friends.  Less like a discussion and more like a free flow of thoughts from me.  My mind has been all over the place these days.

For months I saw myself as having two options either accept things the way they are, or leave.  I hated my options.  Neither option appealed to me.  Both were horrific to think about.  What I really wanted was for my hurt to end.  Staying in things the way they were was a slow drip of nearly constant pain, that continuely got worse and threatened the beauty and the memory that was W and I.  I am a very compassionate person and I love him with everything in me, but my anger and resentment at him kept growing because he did nothing to ease or help with my pain.  He was in control of this, and I was powerless to make the necessary changes that I needed to be happy with him.  I saw it as him denying me what he had promised me.  And, what he promised me he easily gave to others, while denying me.  The angrier I got the more he shirked away from me, which made the hurt, pain, anger and resentment worse, thus forming an ugly cycle.

Ending things.  God, the idea of that is still unbearable even as I am in the midst of it.  At moments the pain is so strong, and other times I feel numb.  I know on some level the pain is there for him too, but I know he is not experiencing this like me.  He would have made the changes if he was.  He would have done anything to avoid the pain I am going through in this moment if he was hurting like I am. One of my friends mentioned that I keep saying “If he loved me, he would do…”  There is some truth in that, but not the way she meant it. She said I am looking at his actions and comparing them to what I would do. I don’t know. I think there are certain actions that are a given when you love and care for someone. I think his actions or lack of action speaks volumes above his words.  His actions say one thing, his words say another.  Kind of like that phrase, “put your money where your mouth is.”  In all the books and articles on affairs they counsel to look at his actions and not his words.  His actions show me where his heart lies.  I’m not asking him to prove that he loves me by doing XYZ.  I’m looking for him to show me he loves me and cares about our relationship.

I wanted him to make the necessary changes to let us move forward in our love and relationship with one another. He thinks he would have to leave his children  (which are mostly adult children), rest assured that is not what I want at all.  I believe, and know he can have both, a fulfilling relationship and be good father who is present and vested in his children.  I did want him to make good on his promises to me.  I wanted him to show me that he valued me and our relationship.  I wanted him to take action instead of making promises or giving me reasons for why he couldn’t do what he had promised. If he was struggling with something I wanted him to look for a solution to overcome the obstacle, instead of using the obstacle for why he couldn’t.  I wanted him to fight for me, for us. i wanted him to continue to move forward, instead of taking steps back and accepting defeat.  I didn’t ask for the promises he offered up, he did those on his own voluntarily, without pressure from me.  I wanted him to take the leap and trust me and us, like I did.  I leaped without him, but I didn’t know it at the time. I was trying to fight for him, for us.  I didn’t know how to fight anymore, and to be honest I realized it wasn’t my fight, it was his.

I wanted him to love me enough.  Let me repeat, I wanted him to love me enough to do this for me and for us.  I wanted him to love me.

I wish I could go back six months ago.  I can’t.  I am left with the brokeness that is now us.  The words and exchanges between us have been different for a few months now.  I realize as I was appealing for change from him in the last few months, I was appealing to the W of six months ago, but my appeals were falling on deaf ears, as the W of today was hearing my appeals.  The W of six months ago would have moved mountains to stay by my side.  I don’t really know the W of today.  He and I are not that close.  I don’t know what changed, or why it changed.  I will probably never know.  I just know that I am left to grieve it alone without my dearest friend of a few months back that was my sweet, sweet W.

Today was one year…

I was trying to figure out a post for today.  How do you mark an anniversary that you can’t celebrate?  Well, I found my post in the things I learned.  The bits of knowledge I have gotten on my journey.  I found them in my comments to my network of women bloggers and their’s to mine.  So Happy Anniversary to me and W and the enlightenment our journey has given me:

Sparks and Lies;  She was talking about how mad she is because she waits for contact from him and she is tired of getting just scraps of his time.  She was mad like many of us OW get at feeling slighted, and we aren’t appreciated.

To Sparks and Lies: I could have written these words. Unfortunately, I think a lot of women in our shoes could have written these words. But given the stigma attached to us (why aren’t the men being blamed?) people often look at us like we deserve the treatment we get. And we do too, sometimes unfortunately. Me I feel your pain, and every woman that walked or walks in these shoes. It is a hard journey. Loving a man that is not ours and waiting for the scraps of time they decide is worthy to give us. You have to be a strong woman to be the other woman. Most people don’t know that, but we are women of strength. If you can find a bright spot, it is knowing not everyone has the backbone to be who we are! Big hug lady!

Ramblings of a Single, White, Fat, Middle Aged Chick:  In her post she was discussing how she is now talking to her MM after ending things.  Often times as OW we go no contact only to have contact later.  We some how think we have failed by not having enough strenght to not do so.  She wasn’t making apologies though because it is making her feel better.

To Ramblings of a Single, White, Fat, Middle Aged Chick: You know, when people die the one thing that people say they miss most about their loved one is the ability to have a conversation with them. To share the details of our lives with them. We have people do all kinds of things, write letters to their loved ones and burn them outside lifting the words to “heaven,” write letters and put them in a bottle in the ocean, go talk to them at the cemetary, etc… Communication is that important. If someone you loved died but you had the opportunity to talk to them or see them you would, without even thinking about it. When people say break-ups are like grieving a death, it is, but in death there are no doors left open. There isn’t the rejection factor to lick our wounds over. Staying no contact with someone you love dearly is nearly impossible. I have done it with ex’s in the past only because talking to them created more pain than it eliminated. As long as the communication makes at least one of you feel better, it will happen. Don’t feel guilty about that we are only human. I may need to put this on my blog, seeing how I wrote a post on yours. Ha! sorry.

Damaged by the Age of 3:  This was actually on my blog she posted about ending my relationship with W.  She was encouraging me not have any contact with him.

To Damaged by the Age of 3: I notice that everytime I see W, I feel more bonded and it is harder in the days immediately following a visit. Then the build up of not seeing him begins to take place and I start to want to see him so badly. Seeing him is a double edged sword, because the thrill of being with him is laced with the impending goodbye. I have read stories of going no contact both here and on a website. It sounds completely horrendous. Even months out, some of these ladies seem to be still grieving it really hard. I did hear from him some yesterday. What he said did make me feel a little bit better, but I know for sure I don’t want to be his other woman anymore. I either want  the whole pie that is him or I want to start looking for new pie. That is my simple truth and I won’t change that to accomodate him anymore.

The Agony of Being the Other Woman:  Miss AllieWestern and I connect in how similiar our affairs are.  Every affair is different, but hers just resonates within me.  She has lots of things to add to my journey as she is further down the path than I am.  I thank her for her insight as I know she still struggles at times. 

From The Agony of Being the Other Woman: I think for your long term sanity you need to dig deep and find the strength to persevere. You don’t have any other choice. It’s either that or to keep going as is. He needs to lose you to force him into any kind of action, that doesn’t necessarily mean he will, but if he’s ever going to do it, it’ll be when he realises he’s lost you.

From The Agony of Being the Other Woman: I feel your pain like it’s mine. And you are right so much of our story is so similar. The bit about the kids. My MM has mostly adult children too, and he actually spoke to them to ‘ask their permission’ if you will to leave. When they asked him to give it another go, he felt compeled to. l think that was when l realised that he wanted to leave but he had no idea how to do it. Their approval was so important to him and without it, what was already shaky ground for him became impossible. Like l said l’ve seen this movie before and it’s frightening watching it play out elsewhere. The only words l have to console you are, just as l’m so much stronger today and l’ve found the courage to say l will no longer be a part of this, so will you.

From The Agony of Being the Other Woman: If l may weigh in too… I’ve seen this movie before. In fact my name was above the title as the credits rolled. Both myself and my MM overlooked what your MM is overlooking. When your MM is the type that seeks approval to leave, feels the guilt of cheating, doesn’t want infiedlity to be the cause of the end of his marriage and is practically waiting for his wife to open the door and say “go be with the one you love” (like that’s ever going to happen) and you have a wife on the opposite end of the spectrum who still loves her husband despite the distance that has sneaked in between them and is totally unsuspecting of the fact that she has lost him to another, you have a major problem on your hands. I think this post needs to have flashing red light on top of it for all OW. No matter how much he loves you and how much he has fallen un-in-love with her, the minute he wants to leave her for you she is going to fight tooth and nail for him. She’s going to be the victim and you the ‘homewrecker’ that tried to steal her husband who she’s now decided she can’t live without, breath without, function without… I don’t doubt for a minute what he feels for you. I just don’t think he has any idea how his wife feels. The years of distance have made them strangers to one another and therefore he is clueless for what the fallout will bring to her. Add that to the guilt he’s going to be feeling about loving someone else and you have an impossible situation. I hope he finds the strength to be the man he thinks he is. I think it’s that moment that seperates the boys from the real men.
Sorry it’s turned into a post.

To Agony of Being the Other Woman: Allie, I always love your comments to me. I know that every affair is different, but ours seem to have so many similarities. You are exactly right. I think he is clueless about what his wife is thinking and believes. I also believe that his relationship with her is much closer than he has let on with me. I think he does play the attentive and dutiful husband at home. He tells me he is unhappy home, but I don’t think he is as unhappy as he has made me to believe in the past. He admitted yesterday that things were better with them now, then we first met a year ago. That FB post made me feel as if we were based on a lie. He knew I had to believe his marriage was over for me to continue in the affair. Most women need to believe that, right? So that they can continue and not feel as guilty and have hope that one day it will be more than an affair.

You are right. If he was to up and leave, she would fight tooth and nail, and I doubt he would have the strength to actually leave. Hell, he can’t even find the words to tell her he wants a divorce I doubt he would be able to follow through with it, if she started begging him to stay and making promises. He seeks approval from his children (mostly grown), her, family, friends, work colleagues, and even me…though I know from experience he is ok with disappointing me, I will be the first he disappoints before anybody else. I already know that I am the one that is expendable. Writing this to you has been kind of eye opening. Isn’t it funny how sometimes you sit and write and the fog divides just a little bit more. Thanks for letting me ramble on here in my reply! :)

Oh and I love the comment about the boys being separated from the men! So, true.

I wanna move onShe too is fighting her own battles has reached out to me.  Here were her words of advice to me.

I wanna move on: My MM told me same and like you, I confronted him with the FB pics but till now, I am not sure what he told me were the truth or mere lies. I do not know what to believe in anymore.
I ‘stalked’ her FB, waiting to catch MM when he lied and sadly I caught him lying a few more times. The excuse is always the same “Appearances – pictures may not tell the truth”.
What has this brought me? Nowhere – I wonder if MM knows the kind of pain that we go through when such things happen. A little part of me dies, every time I saw more loving pics of him & his family.
Let ignorance be your bliss… *hug*

Clearingskies97 : She is in a different place in her journey. She always has great uplifting advice.

From Clearingskies97: I’ve thought a lot about this post. When he warned her to be more comfortable with our relationship, he asked me to friend her on FB, which I did. I then had to look at posts of their family life. We had one argument last summer when something got posted about happily ever after on one of their FB pages (his or hers, I can’t remember) it was then that we both realized that, because we’d built our social connections, with the intention of, as he used to say, hiding in plain sight, there’d be no easy out. After I told him to choose and he picked her (an empowering step even though I knew what he’d say, btw) the way that I found out he’d told her was that all of a sudden she was gone from my FB. He never told me, I gad to ask him what he’d done…. After we’d promised that we’d never say anything – no matter what, he told her & let me find out on FB. (Yet he’s mad that I didn’t keep his secret… Just a little pot-kettle, but whatever). When we first split, it’d drive me crazy to read her WordPress blog, (I used to be unable to resist peeking at it from time to time before she knew that I knew about it – he knew I knew about the blog, but he never told her, so I’d get these peeks at her mindset, when she never knew I was looking) where she’d go on and on about the normalcy of their life, all the whilst I knew that they were supposed to be healing from his allegedly “emotional” affair. Her writing back then made me realize that she’d used social media not to reflect her true life, but to portray the image that she wanted the world to believe to be true. One day I realized that peeking into her mind was not a view that I wanted to see, nothing good could come of it. I’ve not been back to her blog since that day, and not for all the money in the world would I go back. IMHO if she’s all of a sudden started posting about wedded bliss when she’s not done so before, chances are she’s aware that something is going on. It’s plain that his history makes it challenging for you to trust what he says, least of all about his marriage, but equally, there’s no reason to believe that anything on her social media is the truth. Protect yourself… Do not look at her social media – no good can come to you from doing so. The bigger question is, do you want to be with a man who you know you cannot 100% trust? Don’t envy her wedded bliss – even if she’s sincere, her bliss is laced with his lies.{hugs} & sorry for the verbose reply!

Complictgrace: You and I are walking this journey side by side it seems.  While I wish we didn’t have to, we share lots of truths.  I found strength in something I said to you.

To Compicitgrace: I would love to give you a hug and sob with you. I just want to give you a reminder…look for the silver lining. Look for what he brought to your life. The lessons learned that you can take away. The purpose he served. Honor it, as you did him, and then allow yourself the moment to grieve it then move on. I am sure you are an attractive person who is worthy of so much! But don’t dishonor yourself in your grief. You are where you are because this is where you are supposed to be. However, as the OW you become powerless. You can take back that power and determine your own destiny. Yes, you love him. Yes, he made an impact (probably huge), but it doesn’t define you, no more than being the OW. This is your life, your journey…you can decide to end it, and move on and yet honor who he was in your journey. Neither of you are bad people, just bad in your circumstances. You have a lot of choices! Make the one that is best for you. Follow your gut and love yourself!

Mckismeisreallyme: She is a super hero in my book.  She is compassionate and caring, even when dealing with her own health crisis, she never fails to care about her fellow lady dealing with her own pain.  Big hug and hope you are ok.  You have been quiet.

From mckismeisreallyme: I agree with clearingskies97…there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are human and falling in love is proof of that. You got there through a series of experiences, decisions and things going on in your own life that brought you to a place in your personal journey that led to W and what you needed at that time. How you both arrived at the same place is something that only you can answer from your side of the equation as he has his own path but it doesn’t mean you weren’t mean to connect. In trying to make sense of everything myself, I’ve found that accepting that logic doesn’t always govern the heart or human emotion helps makesme look harder for what the lesson is in the first place. Maybe it’s to show you that you have the capacity to love fully and completely in a way you haven’t before. Maybe it reveals to someone else that they need to make bigger changes in their lives. There is a why but it might not be realized until you find yourself looking back with bittersweet nostalgia instead of pain and longing. I wish I could ease your ache, if even for a bit. {hugs}

It’s late and I know I left some of you wonderful people out, who have reached out to me.  Just know that all of your kind words have touched me and my journey.  Your kindness and caring from “strangers” has touched me in a way I cannot express.  As I celebrate my one year anniverasary with W, albeit without him…I want you to know all of your words carried me today.  One day closer to feeling better.  I hope.  Big hugs ladies…and handful of gentlemen!

Header photo…

Have you ever noticed my header photo?  I feel like the pissed off girl on the right.  I don’t get mad often or for long.  This is exhausting.  I am so grateful for the sleep that will overcome me shortly.  Usually, when I have felt like this I have been unable to sleep sometimes for days.  So, I am taking my melatonin and I am heading to bed.

I will write more about my happenings with W tomorrow. Sorry for the frequent posts, but I am trying to get it out.  It seems to be the only thing that dulls my emotions just slightly.

Good night W.  I love you.

I feel miserable…

My title sums it up.  I can’t seem to land in one emotion.  I am either so sad I can’t think.  So angry I can’t see, maybe furious or enraged might be better words.  Then I seem to just slump back down into a black abyss that is my life right now.  I have so much to do and I can’t seem to focus on anything.  I can’t find anything that seems to ease this pain.  Nothing seems to comfort me.  I talked to my friend earlier, but I had to hang up, because I wasn’t really in the mood to talk and the conversation seemed like more effort than I could muster.  

I just want my life back six months ago.  I want my friend and lover back.  I want to be making wedding plans and talking about blending our familes.  I loved my illusion of love and intimacy. I loved my ignorant bliss. I loved beig pampered by him with words, visits, phone calls.  I loved how romantic he was with me, how convincing he was.  I loved thinking about how happy our lives were going to be.  I loved it when the dream seemed real and that it was going to happen. Back then I would have bet my life savings that this would never happen to us. I never thought that I wouldn’t be his choice.  I never thought he would let me go, back then. I truly felt like we were each other’s destiny, that we were star-crossed lovers, brought together by God, universe, or the higher powers that be. I honest to God, thought he was my perfect match, my soul mate, my gift from God.  I wouldn’t have continued to be with him if I had thought otherwise.

I want to go scream a great big F*CK YOU to the world/sky/universe right now.  Really scream it at the top of my lungs.  Shake my fists at the Universe and ask Why??  Why was I chosen to bear this, to meet this man, why did you allow my path to cross with him? Why me? Why did you make him fit my soul so completely if he wasn’t meant to be mine?    

Why the hell doesn’t he hurt like me? He seems shocked to discover that I have been miserable the last few months. Why was he not miserable the last few months?  Why was he not miserable being away from me through the holidays?  Why didn’t the distance that crept between us in our relationship bother him? How is he ok? Oh yeah, I forgot he was enjoying his wedded bliss at home, and getting me courtside. Things have been better in his home, and his need for me wasn’t as great.  His need for a fallback plan/Plan B, AKA me wasn’t there anymore. Everybody is happy, except me, the collateral damage.  Unfortunately, for me I gave him all of me, he was Plan A.  I don’t have plan B, I didn’t think I would need one.  I believed him, trusted him, loved him with everything I had. I bet he feels relieved.  Relieved it is over and he no longer feels weighted and pulled by a sense of duty to me. That stings. Stings to my core, to think I meant that little to him. This is my punishment, karma biting me in the ass for falling in love with a married man. 

He says he is sorry he hurt me and caused me pain.  Some how that just makes it worse to hear him say that, as if that is enough to make up for the gaping hole in my chest. I don’t know what he could say to make me feel better, but sorry seems so small for the hurt that was done, for the grief I feel right now.  What does sorry even mean?  I feel betrayed, victimized and powerless.  And because I was his OW I don’t even feel justified in my feelings, I feel like asked for this, because I continued to be with him even after I knew he was married! I ignored all the red flags and jumped in with him anyways. I feel like it is my fault. 

I said I would write something more eloquent and it’s not. This is just completely raw emotions that I had to get out.  Sorry.

This is the end of our story…Mine and W’s.

February 10: Just writing the title I felt the tears come to the surface.  It is so familiar now, I almost didn’t recognize it, until the first tear hit my chest.  My friends and family have stopped asking what is wrong with me.  They recognize my need for silence until I can discuss it.

I ended things.  I did.  Finally.

Relief.  That’s what I feel at the moment.  Will it last?  Probably not.  I have been here, sort of.  I have never had to fully grieve for a love of this magnitude. For the moment I feel relief.  For the moment I think he understands where I am heading on a jouney that doesn’t include him.  For the moment I am free of the demons that haunt me.  There is something to be said for releasing him from obligations to me.  I won’t expect things that will break my heart when he doesn’t do them. I will no longer wait for that morning text.  I will never have to hear him tell me of the things he is doing, the things that he chooses to do over calling me or making plans to see me. I will no longer look at my phone longing for a phone call from him that never comes.  I will no longer look for a card or letter in the mail, that never comes.  I will no longer dream about surprise visits from him, that don’t happen. Iwill no longer chase the proverbial carrot dangled in front of me. Everytime I didn’t hear from him for several hours, my heart would sink andI would wonder anxiously was this discovery day. I am no longer waiting, I have my answer.

Actually, I have had my answer for a long time now.  I just didn’t want to see it.  In one of the texts I sent W ending things I wrote to him, one line in particular stands out.  I wrote I knew I wasn’t your choice when you would leave me hurting and disappointed so that you wouldn’t have to hurt or disappoint somebody you loved more.  You see this man had asked me to be his wife many, many times.  This would indicate that I should be number one in his world.  This would mean that he had chosen me for his life partner, yet I was constantly the one that got pushed to side.   This was consistent on his part from the fist time we met.  In our many visits over the past year, only one visit was extended when I didn’t want to say goodbye.  However, many more were cut short by an entire day, cause he just had to get home.  I was always crushed by this.  I had spent weeks just waiting my turn in anticipation wanting that visit so badly only to be told he had to leave in a couple of hours when he wasn’t supposed to be leaving until the next day.  The excuses for why he had to leave were always crazy it seemed to me, and to others when I would give them the explanations for why he had to leave. I honestly don’t know what is real and what isn’t.

Trust is a powerful thing.  Given his untruthful beginnings he understood that he to be transparent, truthful and upfront so that I could learn to trust him.  He also knew if he made a promise to me, he needed to follow through with those.  So many ways he broke my trust. I trusted him not hurt me.  He promised he wouldn’t. Swore that I was the last person he would ever want to hurt, and that he would do his best to never hurt me. He was so sincere, I believed him. I trusted him to make me his priority.  He didn’t.  He wasn’t transparent.  He didn’t keep his promises.  He wasn’t upfront.  He didn’t always do what he said he was going to do.  This whole topic of trust is one for another post.

I held up all my promises to him, until he made it impossible for me to keep them.  He asked me to hold him close so many times.  I did, until holding him close became more than I could bear.  It was easy to hold him close when he was holding on to me.  Then he slowly let go of me and holding him close became like holding a limp child.  I asked him to meet me half way and to make some hard decisions, to lighten my load.  I told him I couldn’t do this anymore with the way things were.  I asked him to make changes.  I even backed off at one point and decided to give him the space to do what he needed to.  He only became more distant, and said he appreciated it because it made things easier on him.  Things got easier for him.  It got harder for me.

February 11:  Well, today feels very different.  I feel the anxiety creeping in.  Last night as I lay in bed trying to sleep, I repeated over and over in my head…He doesn’t love you.  You don’t love him anymore.  This is not what love is.  I heard a text come through a little after 1am as I was trying to fall asleep.  I knew it was probably him, but I didn’t look at it.  I couldn’t.  I finally looked this morning.  It was from him, but I haven’t opened the text. I know what it will probably say already.  And if I were to be honest I find some comfort in knowing that I have a message from him waiting, because I know that the time of messages between us has probably come to an end.

I am crying. Again. That is nothing new anymore.  My heart feels so heavy.  I have been trying to write this post since last night to get some of the emotions out, but my brain feels like it is swirl of thoughts right now.  I am having the knee jerk reaction of thoughts wondering if I made the right choice.

Logically, I know that I have everything to gain by moving on.  Logically. It is funny how the heart skews your logic. I know that I am no longer obligated to hold up my side of the commitment he and I made to each other.  I can now see other men if I choose to, when I am ready.  Logically, I know that as long as I stayed the dutiful other woman he would exploit that.  I know that he would have never chosen to leave her.  I have read so many books and articles about affairs and infidelity, trying to find answers, or moreover find hope. FYI, I never found hope in those books or articles.  I know that less than 5% of married men leave their wives for the OW.  I know that as you approach the one year mark, that number drops to less than 1%.  I know that he and I followed the textbook patterns laid out in the articles and books.  There was the honeymoon phase of euphoria, then as the relationship progressed in intimacy and passion and it was time to add the third leg of commitment, we went into a state of disequalibrium.  This is the phase where tough decisions need to be made. Couples can stay here for years as they try to figure it out.  I told him this, he said we were different.  I was looking at our circumstances, we didn’t seem all that different.

I spoke with a friend earlier.  She said she had a friend going through exactly what I am going through with a MM.  They have been in a rough patch since Thanksgiving.  Holidays are extremely hard when you are the OW.  I am not surprised.  This is when it happened for me too.  I knew he was where he wanted to be and I was alone.   It is hard to lie to yourself when it so clear of where your place is in their lives.  Holidays are supposed to be spent with the ones you love and cherish.  When you are the OW holidays awaken how very much on the outside you are.  How unimportant and insignificant you really are to the man you love.  My friend told me to pray about this and ask for some release from the pain.  I will.  Right now I just hurt.

The final straw:  Valentine’s day and our anniversary (February 12 is the day we first met) occur two days apart.  Not that I am big fan of Valentine’s day or anything, but I wanted to spend the weekend with him.  I had asked him to spend this coming weekend with me last week, but he never gave me an answer.  Something else came up for me, that would take me out of town for the weekend.  I couldn’t pass it up.  Rather than turn down the opportunity and wait for him to make a decision which I knew would be “not me” I decided to take it.  I texted him on the off chance that he might be making arrangement to come here…you know on the off chance hell did freeze over, which isn’t a far reach given this polar f*cking vortex.  I told him I had a change of plans and was going to do XYZ and since he hadn’t given me an answer I went ahead made the commitment to go.  He sent back a text saying good, because he wasn’t going to make it because he had to do ABC, but he wished we could be together that weekend.  It doesn’t seem like much, but when your bucket is filled to the f*cking rim it is a lot.  That was all it took.  It was one more of the hundreds of times something else came before me. I know I had already made the commitment to do something else, but I did that because I knew there would be something else he had to do.  His text only confirmed that.

I simply said I can’t do this anymore.  You see, it absolutely breaks my heart every time he tells me he is doing something else.  I know it sounds petty.  Here is why.  I got so little of him and his plans or what he was doing rarely involved me or picking up the phone to even call me.  Anytime he would say he talked to his parents, children, made a work call in my head I’m thinking…You can make time for them to pick up the phone and see how they are, but you can’t spare a minute to pick up the phone for the person you claim you want to marry.  Or you can find time to go to the movies and dinner with so and so, but you can’t seem to carve out time for me.  Whereas, I on the other hand would make every single effort I could to see him and spend time with him.  I got him at his convenience when he desired it.  Yesterday, I thought I don’t want to know what he is doing anymore.  I don’t want to care.  I would rather just not ever talk to him then feel like I am rolling up a ball waiting for the hit every time I hear from him.  Can anybody else relate to this, or I am just the most petty person ever?

So I sent two very lengthy texts telling him why I couldn’t do this anymore.  How being his OW made me feel.  That I had decided to walk away.  I sent them and then got away from the house.  At first I was just numb.  Then after a couple of hours his response came.  He agreed.  It was the right thing to do.  He said if he was my friend he would advise me to do the same thing, but he held onto me because he was in love with me.  Then he said he wasn’t letting me go because he didn’t care about me he was letting me go, because he did and it was the right thing to do. He admitted he wasn’t willing to risk leaving his wife for a future with me. He hoped that I knew he loves me.

Well, that’s when my pity party ended and the anger kicked in.  LOVES ME…WTF does that even mean to him?  Love doesn’t feel like this.  When you love somebody you don’t hurt them, lie to them, make them promises you don’t intend to keep, and use them for your gain.  Love is reciprocal and there is nurturing and care involved.  We all make sacrifices for the ones we love.  Where was his sacrifice in any of this?  I told him I didn’t feel loved.  I feel used.  He said that made him cry.  That should have made me feel bad on some level.  I have been crying for months now.  I cried a lot in the beginning when I found out he was married and he had lied to me, and have cried rivers in recent months.  I have wept for this man, over this man so many times I cannot even begin to explain.  I have spent days just trying to get through them, because of what this situation has put me through.  My self esteem, self worth and moral integrity has taken huge hits to accomodate him into my life. Why?  Because I love him with my whole heart and soul and for as long as could bear it, I would for us.  That’s what love looks like, not what it should look like, but that is what it has looked like the last 3 months.  There were some other texts that went back and forth briefly, but they were all pretty much the same, but I did tell him I wanted to forget all of this and move forward.  I know I will never forget him or all of this.  Maybe one day I will be able to look back and appreciate and enjoy the beauty that was W in my life, but right now it is hard. My friend said it is a process I need to go through.  Looking at the ugly stuff so that I can fall out of love. I think she is right, if I sit and dwell on the beauty that was us I don’t think I can get through it.

Alliewestern said that this was the only way and that maybe he will miss me when he realizes he has lost me.  At one time I fantasized about that, but I knew I had to get to a place where that wasn’t my goal for ending things.  So many people told me over the course of the year to just end things with him and tell him if he ever leaves his wife come and find me and if I am available we will re-evalute.  I knew I could never do that, because if I even thought there was a chance of hope he would come back to me, I would never really move on.  I could only really leave when I knew there was no hope for a future with him.  As long as I had that I stayed. Yesterday, I felt the little last bit of hope I had for he and I extinguished.

My dad has been asking lots of questions about W over the past several weeks.  He knows he is married. He has noticed his abscense from my life in the recent months and the fact I don’t speak about him, and he has noticed my quiet sadness.  He said to me recently,”Babe from the outside looking in it doesn’t seem to me that he is that interested in you anymore.  I think this has run its course. And to be honest I don’t think he is ever going to get divorced.” All I could say is,”Yeah dad, I think you are right.” Quiet truths from my father that really hit home with me.

Since writing this three more texts from him have come in and I have not found the courage to open them.  There is just a huge pit in my stomach at the moment.

Sorry, if I am all over the place, my head is.  I am a mixture of  lots of anger, sadness and anxiety today.  Maybe I can post more later when I am feeling more eloquent.