Mr. Grey

The story of the third guy started just a little over 4 weeks.  We were set up by a mutual friend.  Well, the guy he set us up actually works for Mr. Grey.  My friend lives out-of-town, but travels to my hometown frequently for work and we often get together for dinner and drinks.  My friend was in town so he called and invited me to dinner.  I thought it was no different from any other dinner.  However, when I got there for dinner I discovered there would be a dinner party for about 12 people.  Mr. Grey was part of this dinner party and my friend placed name cards at the table to ensure that he was seated next to me.

We hit it off pretty quickly.  We quickly learned that we have a lot in common. Both of us are newly divorced.  Both of us had dated casually recently, but nothing serious.  After a couple of after dinner drinks with the group I left for the evening.  However, the next day we started emailing and texting and ended up meeting up that night for drinks.  This time it was just the two of us. We have great chemistry. We are aligned on so many things – politics, religion, parenting, social views, etc.  Moreover, we share similar sense of humor, wit, career driven and so much more.

We ended up back at his hotel bar.  We started to make out there, but I didn’t want his employees to see him making out with me so we moved our date to his hotel room.  It had been a long time since I had been so attracted to somebody and felt as comfortable with them.  As we continued to make out, I realized that I wanted to sleep with him.  Let me preface ,  I have never slept with somebody on the second day of knowing them.  I have never had a one stand.  I had always been in a relationship first before I would have sex with them.  However, we all know how those relationships ended, so I decided to trust my gut and do what felt right.

I slept with him.  Actually, it felt more like making love.  He knew it had been a long time for me.  He was very gentle and tender.  It was exactly what I needed as I make my way back into this world.  I think he even held my hand during .  Does anybody else think it is so hot when a guy holds your hand during sex?  I think that is so sensual.

He asked me to spend the night with him.  He wanted to spoon and cuddle.  I wanted to go home to sleep.  I cuddled with him for a bit, but after he fell asleep  I snuck out of the hotel and headed home.  I had only a couple of hours before I had to be ready for work anyways.

Mr. Grey flew out the next morning, but not before sending a text about how he woke up alone.  The biggest drawback with Mr.Grey is he lives 2000 miles away.  There are no direct flights between our cities which makes traveling to our see each other much more difficult.  This is my predicament.  However, we have seen each other since…  .

 

 

 

 

 

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The no-no square…

So, here is the story of guy number two…

But first a little back story, so this story will make sense.  I have a young adult daughter.  I know, I can’t believe she is an adult either.  She and I are pretty tight.  She knew I was going out on a date this night.  Lord, it had been two years since she had seen me get ready for a date, so she felt the need to give me advice.  I know what you are thinking- I couldn’t wait to hear it either.  Her advice was, “Mama, have fun, but don’t let him touch the no-no square, okay?”  I about fell over.  I mean I laughed so hard, I think snorted.  The no-no square – where did she come up with this?

On to the date story – The guy I was meeting was a facebook friend of more than 3 years, but I had never actually met him.  We decided to get together.  I met him at a restaurant.  He had dinner and drinks, I only had drinks (I was nervous and not hungry). The date was going well.  He then invited me back to his place to watch a movie.  Now, remember he is really a stranger, but after two glasses of wine this seemed like a good idea.  I promptly tell him, okay, but I am not going to have sex with him.  I wanted to set the expectations.  He looked offended.  I didn’t care. I then told him I needed his address so I could GPS my way there.  He said I could follow him.  I told him I needed to text it to 4 friends in case I didn’t show up for work the next morning people would know where to find my body.  I know, I am shocked he still wanted me to come over too.  However, I needed to GPS my way there so I knew it was a legit address.  He reluctantly gives me the address and off we go.

We get to his house.  We open a bottle of wine and start the movie.  We saw maybe 10 minutes before we start making out on the couch.  It isn’t long before he has turned off the movie and has turned on some music.  We are now dancing in the middle of the room for what felt like hours.  We are now on to the second bottle of wine.  Is anybody else counting my wine consumption?  I am.  I am now on glass #5.  Not good for a petite person who didn’t eat dinner.  At some point, I end up against a wall.  There is some heavy making out at this point.  I am really liking this guy, but out of the blue…I feel the need to leave – too much too soon. So I tell him I have to go.  Yep, mid-on-the-wall-making-out I say I have to go.  He immediately  says, “Wait, why?  Did do something wrong?  I did everything you asked. I didn’t touch your, what did you call it…your no-no square.”  WAIT?  WHAT?  I sobered up real quick! I didn’t even realize I had given him boundaries, not to mention dropped the term no-no square.  Can you say horrified?

So, it gets better.  Now I go into some rambling about how I am not going to go to church with him. I love Jesus, he loves Jesus, but I’m not going to church with him.  What?  Where did that come from? He follows me out of the house.  Begs me to sleep on the couch because I have had too much to drink.  I get in the car anyway, after telling him he’s cute.

I get home, and realize I left my favorite scarf.  I text him that I left my scarf. Here is how this text convo went…

Me:  I’m home.  I left my scarf.

Him: I know.  Come back and get it.

Me: No, I’m not going to.

Him: Ever?

Me: Not sure.  Probably not.

Him: why?

Me: #welovejesus

What makes one send a #welovejesus text after a pretty steamy date?  The answer:  5 glasses of wine and I have no fucking idea.

So, after two days of me kicking myself in the ass.  I finally text him to apologize, and explain to him why I know he won’t want to see me again, but I still need my favorite scarf back.  So I offer to send him money to send me my scarf.  His response was if I want it I have to come and get it.  So, I asked when would be a good time.  I couldn’t believe he would want to see me again.  Never heard back.  That was 3 months ago.

I think it is a safe bet to say I will never see my favorite scarf again.

#welovejesus

 

 

TG – First guy…

Hello all –

So, after taking a two year break from the dating world I recently started to get back out there.  The first guy I encounter, let’s call him TG.

I met TG at a restaurant.  I was out with a girlfriend having a cocktail.  TG knocked my purse off my chair.  He apologized profusely and offered to buy me a drink.  He was there with 5 other guys.  I told him it was not necessary.  However, he bought the drink and wouldn’t not accept no to an invitation for my friend and I to join them at their table.  I joined them and after some light conversation I realized TG and I had mutual friend.

TG and I talked that night for several hours before both of us had to leave.  I thought – this guy is fantastic.  Conversation just flowed and we had several things in common.  However, the next day when I reached out to my girlfriend, she confirmed that he was indeed a great guy.  She also told me that I was just the motivation he needed to leave a girlfriend that he had lived with for 10 years, but was miserable with.  Record Scratch – Guess what?  TG never mentioned a girlfriend.

Of course- I am not going down that road again. I told TG if he finds himself single then he should call me.  In the meantime I have no interest in being with a guy who is attached to somebody else.  This was in December.  My girlfriend just informed me last week that he has hired a realtor and is house hunting.  He is moving out.   However, I do know that anytime you leave a relationship at that level there is a period of healing that needs to happen before they are ready to be good dating material.  Another big red flag is he omited the fact he was attached during our initial conversation. My girlfriend insists that he is a great guy though that has been miserable for years in his relationship and that he really is not a guy who would cheat on his girlfriend.

This was my first exerience into the dating world again – and after two years of recovering from being the OW – What do I run into? Another attached guy.  It is a brutal world out there. He calls me every week.  Sometimes daily.  I don’t talk to him.  But he leaves sweet voicemails and texts.  I just ignore them.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

I’m Back…With words of encouragement!

 

Wow – It has been nearly two years since I wrote a post.  I have read several emails and comments asking where I went.  Well, when I walked away from the toxic relationship I was in I walked away from the blog.  I couldn’t sit in the dark feelings.

Lots has happened though in that two years.  I finalized my divorce, settled my custody issues, started a new career, bought a house, got myself in counseling — AND I did not date anybody. That’s right I worked on me.  It wasn’t a conscious decision to not date.  I literally shut down.  I just didn’t find men attractive for a long time.  I think my mind knew I needed the time to heal and recover from years of toxic relationships – including my marriage.

The biggest thing I learned during this hiatus is that I actually like being single.  My life is calmer.  I enjoy my children more. I deepened my friendships and spend more time with my family.  I find that life can be rewarding and fulfilling as a single person.  I know longer look to a man to define my worth.

However, I have recently stepped back into the dating world.  I decided to write again, because I want to share a message of hope for those of you I know are struggling with toxic relationships.  I want you to know there is something better, once you break the cycle.  Also,  I have discovered I am pretty bad at dating.  I need advice. No seriously – wait the posts are coming.

Glad to be back 🙂

 

 

 

Feelings stuffing…

The last couple of weeks of have been weeks of THOSE days.  You know the days I am talking about.  The days where you just go through the motions trying to minimize the hurt feelings and keep your smile.  I realized I have been stuffing my feelings down to the point I have no where left to stuff them.  I feel like a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

I have so much going on, the biggest of which is a custody battle over my children.

I have had my children on my own for over six years.  My ex saw them infrequently as he moved over 400 miles away from us. This last year my ex and I have lived in the same town and he has taken more of an interest in them. Back in the spring he filed for sole custody and requested child support from me.  He had been in my home the night before as I had just gotten back from chaperoning a weekend school trip with my oldest daughter.  He brought the younger one home and came in while I was telling him about things that happened during the school trip.  The next day a court officer delivered the papers.  It was like a kick in the teeth. For those of you following my story, the day I was served papers was the same day I ended the no contact with W.  It was just too much at one time.

Now, my ex is a man who has never paid child support to me, I never asked for it.  This isn’t about whether he thinks I am a good mother, in fact he has told me that he believes I am an excellent mother, a little over protective, but an excellent mother nonetheless.  I have two beautiful, well adjusted daughters who are doing well in school.  I am at every school function, know their teachers well, volunteer at their schools to the point that everyone knows me.  For the last ten years I have gotten them to and from school, packed lunches, did homework, chaperoned trips, worked school parties, did fundraisers…I am an active mother.  A month before the papers were filed I moved into a new place and he got scared I would come after him for child support.  So he decided to he didn’t want to pay (not that I had filed or even mentioned child support to him) so he filed for custody and child support.  Needless to say, things between he and I have been tense at best since that.  Before that we were amicable.  Very amicable.

Things with W are at a stalemate.  Nothing has changed there.  I am miserable with how the relationship is, and he isn’t.  So nothing changes.  He likes it this way.  He wants it this way.  So…no motivation=no change. I am so frustrated. Between feeling powerless with the custody case (unless you agree to hand over your kids and pay child support to an absent father I am forced to pay thousands of dollars to the legal system to keep my childre…no power in that) and feeling powerless to make changes in my relationship with W…I feel powerless.  I realize that I have two choices with W…either continue you on playing by his rules or end it.  The ending it scares me.  The what if questions…

Will I be strong enough to get through it?

What if I hold out just a bit longer?

What if I never feel the way I do in W’s arms in another man’s arms?

However, my self esteem, confidence, feelings or worthiness have all taken such a hit.  I almost don’t care anymore.  I just want the hurt to end.  I wonder if the hurt will be worse after than it is now.  There is no joy in being the OW for me.  The little bits of time I get with him are huge price to pay for the damage it does to my wellbeing.  I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know something has to change.  Somehow, some way I have to find a way to take control over my life again.  I know what I want…for myself, my children, my love life…this is not it.

 

Change only happens when a person is highly motivated…

Change only happens when a person is highly motived to change, not when you want them to change ~ Dr. Wexler on TrueTori

Truer words have never been spoken.

Think about for just a moment….

 

OK, have you ever forced somebody to change by simply asking them without giving them some sort of motivation? Take children for example…motivation can come in the form of a reward. Money for good grades.  Or they get to do something special if they complete these chores.  Motivation can also come in the form of punishment.  If you get bad grades you will lose your phone for two weeks. Or, if you hit your sister again you will sit in time out.  Change does not happen without motivation.

This is basic B.F Skinner, Operant Conditioning.  However, it took me watching a silly reality show…

Well, it isn’t silly.  I do believe that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are dealing with the aftermath of his affair.  I have been cheated on and she is not that good of an actress to pull off those very real, raw emotions.  I can’t stop watching this stupid show.  I relate and I’m hooked. i digress…

Motivation=change

motivation-weight loss

motivation=good grades

motivation=quit smoking

motivation=college degree

motivation=clean house

motivation=a new job.

Many things motivate, but what is the biggest motivator of all time?  Fear.  Fear of not having enough money.  Fear of being alone.  Fear of going without food, water or shelter.  Fear of being a failure.  Fear of losing your loved ones.  Fear of dying early.  Fear of commitment.  Fear of divorce.  Fear…is the single most movitator for human behavior.  The flip side of the desire to have something is the fear of not having it.  For example.  I desire to live a long life = fear of dying early.  I desire to make my parents proud = fear of disppointing parents.

What reinforces human behavior…primary needs like…food, water, sex, affection, human acceptance, etc…what is on the flip side of  that??? That’s right folks…fear.

So, if you are struggling to figure out why someone has done or is doing a behavior that is destructive, you can find the motivating cause most likely in reinforced behaviors or fear and desire.  What will make them change their behavior?  Their desire to, which is driven by what? Fear or Desire! That’s right.  And what is the best way to change someone else’s behavior?  That’s right… change your own behavior! After all insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Just a little food for thought!