The no-no square…

So, here is the story of guy number two…

But first a little back story, so this story will make sense.  I have a young adult daughter.  I know, I can’t believe she is an adult either.  She and I are pretty tight.  She knew I was going out on a date this night.  Lord, it had been two years since she had seen me get ready for a date, so she felt the need to give me advice.  I know what you are thinking- I couldn’t wait to hear it either.  Her advice was, “Mama, have fun, but don’t let him touch the no-no square, okay?”  I about fell over.  I mean I laughed so hard, I think snorted.  The no-no square – where did she come up with this?

On to the date story – The guy I was meeting was a facebook friend of more than 3 years, but I had never actually met him.  We decided to get together.  I met him at a restaurant.  He had dinner and drinks, I only had drinks (I was nervous and not hungry). The date was going well.  He then invited me back to his place to watch a movie.  Now, remember he is really a stranger, but after two glasses of wine this seemed like a good idea.  I promptly tell him, okay, but I am not going to have sex with him.  I wanted to set the expectations.  He looked offended.  I didn’t care. I then told him I needed his address so I could GPS my way there.  He said I could follow him.  I told him I needed to text it to 4 friends in case I didn’t show up for work the next morning people would know where to find my body.  I know, I am shocked he still wanted me to come over too.  However, I needed to GPS my way there so I knew it was a legit address.  He reluctantly gives me the address and off we go.

We get to his house.  We open a bottle of wine and start the movie.  We saw maybe 10 minutes before we start making out on the couch.  It isn’t long before he has turned off the movie and has turned on some music.  We are now dancing in the middle of the room for what felt like hours.  We are now on to the second bottle of wine.  Is anybody else counting my wine consumption?  I am.  I am now on glass #5.  Not good for a petite person who didn’t eat dinner.  At some point, I end up against a wall.  There is some heavy making out at this point.  I am really liking this guy, but out of the blue…I feel the need to leave – too much too soon. So I tell him I have to go.  Yep, mid-on-the-wall-making-out I say I have to go.  He immediately  says, “Wait, why?  Did do something wrong?  I did everything you asked. I didn’t touch your, what did you call it…your no-no square.”  WAIT?  WHAT?  I sobered up real quick! I didn’t even realize I had given him boundaries, not to mention dropped the term no-no square.  Can you say horrified?

So, it gets better.  Now I go into some rambling about how I am not going to go to church with him. I love Jesus, he loves Jesus, but I’m not going to church with him.  What?  Where did that come from? He follows me out of the house.  Begs me to sleep on the couch because I have had too much to drink.  I get in the car anyway, after telling him he’s cute.

I get home, and realize I left my favorite scarf.  I text him that I left my scarf. Here is how this text convo went…

Me:  I’m home.  I left my scarf.

Him: I know.  Come back and get it.

Me: No, I’m not going to.

Him: Ever?

Me: Not sure.  Probably not.

Him: why?

Me: #welovejesus

What makes one send a #welovejesus text after a pretty steamy date?  The answer:  5 glasses of wine and I have no fucking idea.

So, after two days of me kicking myself in the ass.  I finally text him to apologize, and explain to him why I know he won’t want to see me again, but I still need my favorite scarf back.  So I offer to send him money to send me my scarf.  His response was if I want it I have to come and get it.  So, I asked when would be a good time.  I couldn’t believe he would want to see me again.  Never heard back.  That was 3 months ago.

I think it is a safe bet to say I will never see my favorite scarf again.

#welovejesus

 

 

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TG – First guy…

Hello all –

So, after taking a two year break from the dating world I recently started to get back out there.  The first guy I encounter, let’s call him TG.

I met TG at a restaurant.  I was out with a girlfriend having a cocktail.  TG knocked my purse off my chair.  He apologized profusely and offered to buy me a drink.  He was there with 5 other guys.  I told him it was not necessary.  However, he bought the drink and wouldn’t not accept no to an invitation for my friend and I to join them at their table.  I joined them and after some light conversation I realized TG and I had mutual friend.

TG and I talked that night for several hours before both of us had to leave.  I thought – this guy is fantastic.  Conversation just flowed and we had several things in common.  However, the next day when I reached out to my girlfriend, she confirmed that he was indeed a great guy.  She also told me that I was just the motivation he needed to leave a girlfriend that he had lived with for 10 years, but was miserable with.  Record Scratch – Guess what?  TG never mentioned a girlfriend.

Of course- I am not going down that road again. I told TG if he finds himself single then he should call me.  In the meantime I have no interest in being with a guy who is attached to somebody else.  This was in December.  My girlfriend just informed me last week that he has hired a realtor and is house hunting.  He is moving out.   However, I do know that anytime you leave a relationship at that level there is a period of healing that needs to happen before they are ready to be good dating material.  Another big red flag is he omited the fact he was attached during our initial conversation. My girlfriend insists that he is a great guy though that has been miserable for years in his relationship and that he really is not a guy who would cheat on his girlfriend.

This was my first exerience into the dating world again – and after two years of recovering from being the OW – What do I run into? Another attached guy.  It is a brutal world out there. He calls me every week.  Sometimes daily.  I don’t talk to him.  But he leaves sweet voicemails and texts.  I just ignore them.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

I’m Back…With words of encouragement!

 

Wow – It has been nearly two years since I wrote a post.  I have read several emails and comments asking where I went.  Well, when I walked away from the toxic relationship I was in I walked away from the blog.  I couldn’t sit in the dark feelings.

Lots has happened though in that two years.  I finalized my divorce, settled my custody issues, started a new career, bought a house, got myself in counseling — AND I did not date anybody. That’s right I worked on me.  It wasn’t a conscious decision to not date.  I literally shut down.  I just didn’t find men attractive for a long time.  I think my mind knew I needed the time to heal and recover from years of toxic relationships – including my marriage.

The biggest thing I learned during this hiatus is that I actually like being single.  My life is calmer.  I enjoy my children more. I deepened my friendships and spend more time with my family.  I find that life can be rewarding and fulfilling as a single person.  I know longer look to a man to define my worth.

However, I have recently stepped back into the dating world.  I decided to write again, because I want to share a message of hope for those of you I know are struggling with toxic relationships.  I want you to know there is something better, once you break the cycle.  Also,  I have discovered I am pretty bad at dating.  I need advice. No seriously – wait the posts are coming.

Glad to be back 🙂

 

 

 

An update of sorts…

frayed rope

My last post was my 100th post.  I didn’t realize it when I posted it, rather wordpress reminded me after the fact.  I started this blog in January as sort of an outlet and in search of others who were experiencing what I was/am going through.  I always said that I was going to be as honest as possible with the experiences and feeling,  as I have had many women reach out to me looking for answers much like I was.

I have made some friends through my blog.  Two, that I have become really close with…I speak with one pretty often and think highly of her and it has been such a joy to watch her grow and tackle her problems, she has been such an insipiration.  Many of you have watched her progress too, she is an OW no longer, yay!!!! I think we can all celebrate that. With a few exceptions, I don’t think any of us want to be the OW, so I think we can all celebrate the fact she has worked so diligently and has moved forward in her life tackling other issues with the same grace.  The other friend is a long distance friend.  Many, many miles separate us, and we have only communicated with emails.  There have been thousands and thousands of words, feelings, emotions, actions and stories that have crossed the ocean in hopes of finding some relief, answers and comfort from one another.  She removed her blog many, many months ago, but our conversations continued.  Then there are my blogging friends.  The friends I communicate with here.  The support I get from reading your alls posts and comments, as well as answers when trying to contemplate a future with W have been so amazing.  I am grateful for that, so thank you.  I have also made some enemies…well, I haven’t went out and attacked anybody here.  In fact, I try very diligently to not ever be hurtful to another blogger.  We all suffer a hurt, and hurt is hurt…I try to understand that.  But nonetheless, when you wear the Scarlet A you will attract some fanfare for that, but I just ignore the hate and see the hurt and some I give no mind to at all.  For the most part it has been such a positive experience.

So, here is my update…

For the past couple of months (since middle of July) I have been really stepping back and trying to take inventory of what this affair is doing to me, W, my family and his family.  This was a really difficult period for me as I was stuck between wanting to let go, but being afraid of letting go.  I tried many times to find my words only to chicken out.  I am not sure what I was afraid of…a future without him, the pain I would feel in the aftermath, making the wrong decision.  I got my answer the end of August when he surprised me with an unexpected visit.

I was glad to see him and terrified at the same time.  You see there was this big “thing” between us.  I was filled with so much anger, hurt and resentment towards the situation, which I blame him for, though I know I have some accountability too, I didn’t want to sit with him and be cheerful, sexy and loving.  I wanted to have it out with him.  Instead, I found myself in the bathroom crying before going to bed with him, because I didn’t want to have sex with him and bond with him, yet I wasn’t sure how to get out of it without using the words I was so scared to say. In the end, I didn’t use my words that night.  I regretted it the next morning when he got up and left happy and I felt terrible.

I continued my dilema for a couple of more weeks, until things came to a head last week.  It was as if my words got so big I couldn’t hold them in anymore. I was choking on them. He decided we needed to talk in person.  So, he made the commute here and we sat without touching, without smiles, without affection…and I spoke from my heart.  The words finally made their way out.  I’m not sure what he was thinking…honestly, I did’t care in that moment.  It felt so good to get them out.  I told him how he had hurt me, disappointed me, made me feel weak and small.  It was a somber talk without yelling or accusations.  He asked what he could do to fix things.  He told me the reasons (which were the usual…money, obligations, kids, etc) for why he had been unable (he used unable, but it was really unwilling) to fulfill his promises to me.  I had heard them all before so this was nothing new.  He said he was afraid to get a divorce but equally afraid of losing me.  I told him he wasn’t treating his wife, children, me or himself right.  I told him he may physically be at home most nights, but emotionally and mentally he was somewhere else.  I told him he was living a life commited to nothing.  He can’t fully committed to his home life when his mind and part of his heart is elsewhere, and he couldn’t fully commit to me when he was married. He asked what he could do right now to help me feel better. I told him in all honesty…nothing.  It is a hurt I am going to have heal myself.  I told him that even if he got a divorce today, I am not sure there would be a future for us.

Let’s think about that…even if he committed to getting divorced right now what would that future look like?

These are things I shared with him…

  • I know what he is capable of, how could I ever trust him?
  • He is ambivalent about leaving, how could he ever really find the conviction and backbone required to get through a divorce?
  • Would he even be the same man that I fell in love with after the emotional toll of going through a divorce he was so scared to get?
  • He has had to lie to me so many times to maintain the affair, to keep me hanging on, how could I ever trust him?
  • There is so much hurt and anger on my end, it has changed my feelings towards him and us.  There would need to be a lot of work to recover that.  I sincerely doubt he has the type of commitment that would be required to get us through that and into a healthy place.

Do you seem a common theme here?  Distrust, insecurity and doubt these are things affairs leave behind in their wake.

He talked about us hanging in there while he sorts this out. I told him it would just be more of the same.  I have given him 19 months of my life waiting and I didn’t want to do that anymore, and besides the anger and resentment are just killing the relationship slowly anyways.

There was no physical affection between us during his time here.  I was not only emotionally guarded, but physically guarded as well. I knew that if I let him touch me, or  I touched him I would melt, because I love him and am in love with him, though that looks different now than it did even 6 months ago.

Normally, being around him is like hitting a reset button.  After a visit I usually feel more empty than I did before the visit.  This is because we bond and do things that bring us closer.  When he leaves it feels like a hollow empty place is left.  Over a period of time that hollow feeling begins to shrink and becomes smaller, then seeing him is like opening it back up.  This visit though was different.  Though seeing him leave was difficult, it was a different kind of empty and hurt.

He asked if he could come back the following week (this week) for a couple of days…and are you ready???  I told him that is confusing for me and didn’t think it was a good idea. Can you believe it?  It is the first time I have told him no to a visit. Friends, I even shocked myself.

I decided against the no contact rule for now.  That was so difficult to do back in February.  However, we haven’t had a lot of communication.  The communication feels easier as it is more like friends talking.  The tone of our messages have changed from ones that lovers would share to more of ones friends would share, and there are way fewer. If at some point I find communication to be difficult or detrimental I will reexamine that, but for now I don’t believe it is hurting my progress of letting him go.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I already have let go. The communication is just one last string in the rope that was our relationship that hasn’t frayed yet.  The picture I used above is very much how I see my relationship with W.  The rope once broken can never be made whole again, or be the same.  I suppose you could tie it back together, but it will still never be the same, and there would always be a hump/bump as a reminder of where the rope was severed. (I’ll write a full post on this at a later date).

When he left he said…I’m not going to make you any promises or tell you I am going to work on this, as I know my words mean nothing to you.  I am going to think on the things you said very seriously though.

That is where we are.  Since he was here and I found my words I have felt a lot of the heaviness I felt before lifted.  I was able to have a good weekend and for the first time in many months I felt true peace.  It was short lived as other areas of my life with my ex husband bit me in the butt again two days ago, but at least I know true peace without W as a lover is a possibility.

Little steps…

I haven’t really had much to write.

Things with W and I have been moving slowly forward.  We aren’t where we were back in November, but each day I see little glimmers of that beautiful couple begin to emerge again. We aren’t the same people that were before winter, something happened to us through December, January and February.  I think I can see clearly now what happened.  It was a lot of both of us.

In the recent weeks, my attitude has softened towards him.  I don’t feel as defensive as I did.  I think I was so guarded with him and afraid he would hurt me and I never trusted that he wouldn’t.  Why would I, every man I have ever been with broke my heart, but that doesn’t mean he will.  He is different than the others.  I saw that clearly the first time we met.  The way I responded to him physically and emotionally was completely different than I had ever responded to another man.

He knocked me off my feet and broke the mold of what I thought love between two lovers would look like.  Yet, in the back of my mind the ghosts and experiences of my past still haunted me and I never learned to trust him and that he wouldn’t hurt me.  If I had done what he had asked, and given myself to him completely like he asked me to do countless times he and I would be in a completely different place and December, January and February would have never happened.  I have no doubt in that.

I have decided to trust him and the process.  Perhaps he was sent to me to learn patience and trust.  As I do this, I see him responding to me in new ways as he learns to trust again too.  We are quite the pair I tell you.

Today, I feel at peace and warm when I think of him.  It is amazing what it feels like when you give yourself over to someone and the process and just let go of the fear and anxiety.  I trust him.  Trust that he won’t hurt me.  Trust that he will be there for me.  I trust him.

Last night he called me late and we had such a nice conversation. He was so sweet on the phone and it felt like old times. It wasn’t a planned phone call and I loved the surprise of that.  I love it when W surprises me.   I love this man, and I have no doubt we were meant to meet and be together.  I have felt that from the first moments we knew each other.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Soul mate…

Image

Things are still going well with W and I.  Nothing really new to report, except I can’t wait until I see him again.  Hopefully sometime this week if all works out.  So much still going on in my life and his, but we are in this thing called life together.  I feel his presence even though miles separate us.  I am so grateful for that.  I am not taking anything about he and I for granted anymore, that is for sure.  I love him, and I have decided to be there with him through wherever life takes us.  He is my soul mate.  

Laughing…

I just wanted to say it feels good to be laughing with W again.  We hadn’t really done that together in very long while.  

One of the many things that made us, well us…is our ability to make jokes with each other and laugh together.  We are joking, playful, and laughing again. We are truly happy, upbeat people who have a zest for life and we share a love of funny movie quotes, sarcasm and making fun of our silly selves. That feels so good to be able to laugh with him. it feels good to be speaking in our twin language.  It feels good to have let go of the hurt, resentment, and anger.  It feels good to be able to just talk without talking about our problems.  It just feels good.  

I feel the girl I was before November peeking her head back out.  That girl is a lot of fun and a whole lot of happy! It feels so good to see her again letting the sun shine on her face.  

I look forward to sharing the next chapter of W and I with you, my follow bloggers and readers, as we have clearly turned to the next chapter. 

My friend told me today I write with a raw emotion in my blog.  My God, I went back today and looked at it…Who is that person?  I didn’t even recognize her, but when I went back and read it my words were only a portion of the darkness and sadness I felt. 

I hope the happy girl I really typically am, comes across just as well as the girl who wrote the last 80 posts.  

So, as I turn the chapter with W, I am also turning the chapter in my blog, and I will be writing about the positive aspects as I move forward.  They say whatever you focus on is what you end up with.  Well, Negative Nelly has left this blog for now, stay tuned!