Feelings stuffing…

The last couple of weeks of have been weeks of THOSE days.  You know the days I am talking about.  The days where you just go through the motions trying to minimize the hurt feelings and keep your smile.  I realized I have been stuffing my feelings down to the point I have no where left to stuff them.  I feel like a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

I have so much going on, the biggest of which is a custody battle over my children.

I have had my children on my own for over six years.  My ex saw them infrequently as he moved over 400 miles away from us. This last year my ex and I have lived in the same town and he has taken more of an interest in them. Back in the spring he filed for sole custody and requested child support from me.  He had been in my home the night before as I had just gotten back from chaperoning a weekend school trip with my oldest daughter.  He brought the younger one home and came in while I was telling him about things that happened during the school trip.  The next day a court officer delivered the papers.  It was like a kick in the teeth. For those of you following my story, the day I was served papers was the same day I ended the no contact with W.  It was just too much at one time.

Now, my ex is a man who has never paid child support to me, I never asked for it.  This isn’t about whether he thinks I am a good mother, in fact he has told me that he believes I am an excellent mother, a little over protective, but an excellent mother nonetheless.  I have two beautiful, well adjusted daughters who are doing well in school.  I am at every school function, know their teachers well, volunteer at their schools to the point that everyone knows me.  For the last ten years I have gotten them to and from school, packed lunches, did homework, chaperoned trips, worked school parties, did fundraisers…I am an active mother.  A month before the papers were filed I moved into a new place and he got scared I would come after him for child support.  So he decided to he didn’t want to pay (not that I had filed or even mentioned child support to him) so he filed for custody and child support.  Needless to say, things between he and I have been tense at best since that.  Before that we were amicable.  Very amicable.

Things with W are at a stalemate.  Nothing has changed there.  I am miserable with how the relationship is, and he isn’t.  So nothing changes.  He likes it this way.  He wants it this way.  So…no motivation=no change. I am so frustrated. Between feeling powerless with the custody case (unless you agree to hand over your kids and pay child support to an absent father I am forced to pay thousands of dollars to the legal system to keep my childre…no power in that) and feeling powerless to make changes in my relationship with W…I feel powerless.  I realize that I have two choices with W…either continue you on playing by his rules or end it.  The ending it scares me.  The what if questions…

Will I be strong enough to get through it?

What if I hold out just a bit longer?

What if I never feel the way I do in W’s arms in another man’s arms?

However, my self esteem, confidence, feelings or worthiness have all taken such a hit.  I almost don’t care anymore.  I just want the hurt to end.  I wonder if the hurt will be worse after than it is now.  There is no joy in being the OW for me.  The little bits of time I get with him are huge price to pay for the damage it does to my wellbeing.  I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know something has to change.  Somehow, some way I have to find a way to take control over my life again.  I know what I want…for myself, my children, my love life…this is not it.

 

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Change only happens when a person is highly motivated…

Change only happens when a person is highly motived to change, not when you want them to change ~ Dr. Wexler on TrueTori

Truer words have never been spoken.

Think about for just a moment….

 

OK, have you ever forced somebody to change by simply asking them without giving them some sort of motivation? Take children for example…motivation can come in the form of a reward. Money for good grades.  Or they get to do something special if they complete these chores.  Motivation can also come in the form of punishment.  If you get bad grades you will lose your phone for two weeks. Or, if you hit your sister again you will sit in time out.  Change does not happen without motivation.

This is basic B.F Skinner, Operant Conditioning.  However, it took me watching a silly reality show…

Well, it isn’t silly.  I do believe that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are dealing with the aftermath of his affair.  I have been cheated on and she is not that good of an actress to pull off those very real, raw emotions.  I can’t stop watching this stupid show.  I relate and I’m hooked. i digress…

Motivation=change

motivation-weight loss

motivation=good grades

motivation=quit smoking

motivation=college degree

motivation=clean house

motivation=a new job.

Many things motivate, but what is the biggest motivator of all time?  Fear.  Fear of not having enough money.  Fear of being alone.  Fear of going without food, water or shelter.  Fear of being a failure.  Fear of losing your loved ones.  Fear of dying early.  Fear of commitment.  Fear of divorce.  Fear…is the single most movitator for human behavior.  The flip side of the desire to have something is the fear of not having it.  For example.  I desire to live a long life = fear of dying early.  I desire to make my parents proud = fear of disppointing parents.

What reinforces human behavior…primary needs like…food, water, sex, affection, human acceptance, etc…what is on the flip side of  that??? That’s right folks…fear.

So, if you are struggling to figure out why someone has done or is doing a behavior that is destructive, you can find the motivating cause most likely in reinforced behaviors or fear and desire.  What will make them change their behavior?  Their desire to, which is driven by what? Fear or Desire! That’s right.  And what is the best way to change someone else’s behavior?  That’s right… change your own behavior! After all insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Just a little food for thought!

 

Wedding ring and mistexts…

First of all things are going well for W and I. After my last blog post W came for a visit, which I knew about, but surprised me staying an extra night.  He helped me with some stuff I needed done and brought me the prettiest floral arrangement. There was lots of sex, but his last night here we took a long sensual bath together with music, and then spent the next hour just enjoying each other sexually.  We had a great visit and spoke at length about him getting a divorce.  He seems like he is finally really trying to figure out what he needs to do, and how to do it.  So, now that you are up to speed, fast forward to yesterday and today…

W sent me lots of photos yesterday.  One of them was of he and his son.  He had his left arm around his son, and had his hand resting on his shoulder.  The first thing I noticed was the shiny wedding band sitting on his finger.  I have never seen the wedding band, though he had told me he wears it when he isn’t with me. For those who are curious I asked where he keeps it when he isn’t wearing the wedding band.  He said he simply leaves it at home.  Anyways, I digress.  So, I see the wedding ring, and immediately feel my heart sink.  I didn’t say anything at first as I was tending to my children, but later that night I sat down to make a comment on it.  Well, that is when the mistext comes into place.  Instead of sending the text to W, I sent this very personal text to my ex-husband who has no idea that W is married.  My relationship with my ex-husband is not a good one. However, I didn’t realize until today what I had done.  

I immediately texted W what had happened as soon as I realized it this morning.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  Honestly. W was sick about it too.  We spoke at length over the phone about it.  My ex never mentioned the text.  So, I think I am going to pretend it didn’t happen.  Most of the people in my life know that I am with a married man, they know him.  I introduced W to a lot of my family and friends, before I knew he was married.  I had introduced him as a widower with no children that lived in a different place and told them he had a different last name.  Why?  Because that is what he had told me.  We fell madly in love during that time. Once I found out the truth and he and I decided to move forward with truly being together and getting married, I had to tell my family that he had three children, that he had a wife, he lived in a different town, and his last name was different. There was no way to hide the truth from them.  I was surprised at how supportive most people were frankly, including my parents.  However, I hadn’t told my ex anything about him and never told him he was married.  This is definitely not something I want my ex knowing about W, but it happened.  So, what do you do, you can’t undo it. 

Back to the wedding ring issue.  I did finally get the message to W that it bothered me to see it on his finger.  He asked me what kind of ring I would like to see there.  We sent a couple of pictures of different rings…one funny, one serious.  That lighten the mood a bit, but I am still bummed about it.  Even though we are in a long distance relationship and he is married, we stay connected through our phones from early in the day until late at night.  We text often and daily.  So this is how the text convo goes tonight: 

Me:  Did you know that you are my favorite person?  I want to share in all that you love.  You are my choice for a life partner.  I want a lifetime with you.  I want to be by your side for always.  I truly, madly deeply love you.  I want you and need you.  I want to believe that we are different and we will one day be together.  I want to believe that so badly.

W: You are my favorite person in the world too.  I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving someone.  Every single day I honestly imagine my life with you as your partner..your husband.  You make me so happy and you mean everything to me.

I believe he does feel this way and they aren’t just words, because I know the love between us. I know our daily conversations. I know his reasons for not getting divorced right now, but  It is incredibly difficult playing the waiting game.  And it so hard when you feel like you are that person’s soul mate, my twin flame, to know that he is living with a woman that is the one entitled to him that carries his name, mothered their children, and lives with him. I have never met his wife, spoken to her, or seen her in person.  I have only ever been to the town where they live together once (he is a couple hundred miles away).  I have seen pictures of her, but that is it.  I have wondered if I would recognize her if I was to randomly bump into her.  I have wondered what her story would be about W if I ever spoke to her.  I think not knowing her, makes her not seem as real in my head.  Well, and the fact that he is in constant contact with me.  I have spoken to other OW, and many of them say that there are only certain times they are in contact with their MM.  That isn’t the case for us.  We are in constant contact all day and until late at night.  It wasn’t like that in the beggining, but it has become like that for the last year or so.  I haven’t had to contend with them going on family vacations together. We do things in public like a normal couple.  He sees my family and friends. We don’t hide from PDA, even the one time we were in his town together, he didn’t mind the PDA. He doesn’t speak of her much to me, so even though my head is aware, I don’t have any real reminders that he is married most days.  Until I saw that wedding band yesterday. 

I am going to his town next weekend.  I will spend 4 days there and I will have time with him each day.  I am really looking forward to that.  I hope there will be some talk and progress forward.  I will let you know.  

I’m keeping my blog positive…

Just so everyone knows…I am keeping my blog positive.  I have my blog set to only approved comments…some i have blacklisted…yes, that’s you Nephila…I love to see you show up in my spam box, just so I can delete you before I read any of your words.  BTW, I love how some of them are so long with the energy you spent writing to me…as I don’t read… I love hitting the delete button…so keep on! It gives me great joy that you spend that kind of time to send me a message as I say “be gone with you.”  Truly it is a great honor and highlight of my day! So, please keep the comments coming, makes my day! I could use the positive energy! 

To the rest of my readers…thank you for the great comments.  In just a short 5 months I have hit over 8000 views…which tells me I need to keep writing! Thank you for reading! And in case you are unaware, I am not anti-BS…I am anti-stupidity and judegement.  I welcome feedback as long as it is tactful, respectful, or positive.   I will not allow someone to beat up someone else who is commenting on my blog, which is why I approve all comments, and also why I don’t respond to negative comments.  This is a safe place for people to share their feelings in a world that isn’t always “safe” to do so.  

I think as OW, BS, and cheating spouses alike we are all trying to understand how we ended up here. None of us are each other’s enemy, we are all trying to decipher what is going on. When people are hurt…emotions fly…rightfully so.  But in the end we all just want answers and that is what blogging is about.  Answers! An exchange of emotion that we should be able to get out…Comments should be positive, or at the minimum thought provoking. So, there it is…

Thank you to all who read! You all make my day! 

C

The Recovery of Words…

From a fellow blogging friend…a response she wrote me that I feel so many people, women, need to hear.  There is so much truth in what she writes.  She has a beautiful blog as well….The Recovery of Words….

 

I’m so sorry about all of this. I feel it deeply in my heart. It seems you and I have suffered similar experiences. My ex also tried to take my children away years ago (post-decree) in an attempt to reduce or completely nullify his child support obligations. While I won, and retained sole custody, it was some of roughest, most frightening moments of my life. That was when everything changed for me, and I no longer tolerated toxic or greedy people in my life. I cut useless relationships left and right and focused on my children and what I wanted.
I wouldn’t give someone else the power of ending a chapter in my life. I would grab proactive reins and begin creating my own life, People will either be on board or not, but I wouldn’t wait one minute longer for someone else (like W) to make major decisions for my life or keep me in suspended animation. You DESERVE to have a man in your life that will show up every day for you and your children; not be an emotional drain where you’re the one constantly giving. And your children deserve to have that too. To see their mother being loved and cared for by a responsible, giving man who would climb the ends of the earth for you. You’re selling yourself short, and the gift that you are, by settling for someone who makes you wait endlessly for him. A man that truly loves you would make the leap for you. It’s time you start seeing your value and pushing away people that don’t enhance who you are – those people that don’t contribute to your well-being. It’s time to get beautifully, downright angry and demand a better life. You are clearly a strong, caring, loving woman who will be an amazing gift for a well-deserving man down the road. Never sell yourself short and what you have to offer. Teach your children well by example about their value also.
Grab the reins of your own life, girl. Never place them in the hands of someone who is uncaring, reckless, and selfish or puts you on hold. You will feel so empowered when you take responsibility and become the creator by keeping that energy for yourself to drive your life instead of giving it away. Continue to trust people, because that’s the only way you’ll remain open. Just get better adept at knowing when to leave and let go. Life is nothing but a series of tiny deaths. Little losses along the way. And you can’t grab another thing when both your hands are full, so let go of something useless to let something or someone with purpose come into your hand. Release the attachment, because before W there was someone else you loved. And after W there will be another. No question, if you stay open and take hold of the reins. Become an expert in loss. This is where you’ll find your freedom. xo

 

Thank you so much for your kind, beautiful and truthful words… Thank you! I needed to hear this!

The art of letting go…

The art of letting go isn’t always an easy one, but a lesson I have been trying to learn for the last 6 months…well, most of my adult life really. The past 18 months really has been a whirlwind of change for me in my life.

18 months ago was when my finace told me he didn’t know if marriage or even being with me was what he wanted…3 months later I would find out it was because he had gotten another woman pregnant.

15 months ago I met W.  He turned my world upside, and though I had been contemplating a move to a new city 300 miles away he sealed the deal.

13 months ago I found out the love of my life was married.

11 months ago I moved to the new city.

3 months ago I moved to the current place I live.  I also ended things with W when I realized he was not going to leave his wife or keep the promises he made.

2 months ago, because I have an ex who doesn’t like to pay child support I got served with papers where he was seeking full custody of my kids…that is still on going, but the judge in our case thinks he is crazy, but still a never ending battle of legal crap. This was also the time I reached out to W, because the heartache of losing him with the combination of possibly losing my kids was more than I could handle.  The possiblity of losing my kids is now passed, but at the time I didn’t know that.

Today…Because of custody issues with the kids, two moves in less than a year’s time, stuff with W, learning my ex-fiance had fathered a child with another woman while we were together, friends who have come in and out of my life (mostly because of my moves)…I am learning the art of letting go, or more accurately how to turn off the emotions.

I like to think I am a sweet person with compassion for people.  Someone who can see outside the box of societal norms.  If you could meet anyone who knows me personally and well, they would say my biggest flaw is I care too much for people, and I trust too easily.  I would say my biggest flaw is because I care so much people, I tend to overextend myself.  I don’t think that people can ever care too much.  This world needs more compassion and caring people in it.

I think I have finally hit a place, where I need to let go.  Let go of the people who don’t give back, let go of the crazy emotions that stop me from achieving my goals…Just let go of the things I cannot control.

I miss W.  I still hear from him, but things just aren’t the same.  They haven’t been the same since December…it is time for me to re-evaluate and just look at what I really want out of life…for me and my children.  It is time.  I am tired of putting on a happy face for the sake of facing the world…I want to be happy.  I want someone in my life that wants to share my life with me, that will be there, where I am important to them.  I want a companion. I want a friend.  I want a lover that is just mine.

It has been a whirlwind…but I think I am approaching the full circle mark.  I want only positive people and positive emotions in my life.  I feel change brewing, and I know I can’t start the next chapter unless I end the current chapter.  That chapter ending will either come in the form of him living his truth (or the truth he tells me is his truth, may not be his real truth), or I start living my truth with a person who can be completely available.  Either way I know this chapter has run its course.  So, as I learn the art of letting go, I hope that I stand strong and true to me and what I really need out of the people I bring into my life.

Namaste

Pictures…

I was recently talking on another blog with a fellow OW about pictures. 

I have noticed that not many OW have pictures of their MM or pictures of them together.  W and I have so many pictures of each other and with each other.  I probably have a 100, and W almost has just as many.  We both keep them on our phones.  I have told him he is probably asking for trouble with that one, but he assures me it is fine.  He’s had them on there for over a year now, so I guess it is good. He says he likes to take them out and look at them when he is missing me.  I like doing that too.  

I wonder why a lot of us don’t have any pictures.  I know the obvious reason, because we don’t want photographic evidence of the affair, but I imagine there might be more to it than that.  Maybe, because the relationship is so secretive many of us are never in group company where pictures might be taken.  Or many people in an affair don’t take vacations together, trips or do outings…the events where many people take photographs.

W and I have taken many trips together and have done lots of group get togethers and family functions.  Some of our pictures have come from that, but most of them we have asked a stranger to take, or we have taken ourselves.  I love having the pictures to help us mark our memories of our time together.  We have always planned for a life together, and I think he wants to take the pictures just as much as I have to mark these early days and memories.   

W has always said we were different from others having an affair.  I am just curious, how many of you (OW/OM) have pictures?