I read in a fellow blogger’s blog that you aren’t really blogging unless you get nervous about the hitting the publish button. This one makes me a little neverous to hit publish, because it is private words between he and I but I’m hitting it anyways, because I want some guidance.
I’m trying to wrap my head around what he is trying to tell me. Sometimes we are so engrossed in the relationship it is difficult to make out what is really being said, especially when it is spoken in indirect ways. I think he is telling me he doesn’t want to let me go or get divorced. However, he would like to make the affair easier for me, rather than leave to be with me. Am I reading that right? What are your thoughts? Oh, and I did find more words to say to him. I am getting better at that. It isn’t always easy, but quite honestly I feel like it is what I have to do right now.
Here is some backstory…There were many texts going back and forth between W and I yesterday about the post his wife made on FB last week. To paraphrase those: He said she was did it to maintain apperance for their community of the happy family. He said his marriage was far from wedded bliss, but did admit that things were better at home than they were when we first met. He thought that she was trying harder because she had become more aware of how good she has/had it with him. I asked him what that meant and he said it was unfortunate that it had happened now, because he was checked out emotionally and physically after trying for so many years and that he couldn’t go back to her. I then asked why he was putting me and us through hell for a mariage he was no longer invested in. I told him I thought he valued his marriage more than he was admitting or he either valued our relationship less than he expressed to me.
That is the backstory and this is where I begin with last night’s texts…
From W: You are so much more courageous than me. I envy you for how you aren’t afraid to step out and go for what you want. I used to be like that. I’m scared. I’m totally terrified to lose everything I have – even the parts that aren’t that good. If you want to call that valuing what I have more than I thought or more than I said, that’s fine. I understand. I don’t think anything I say is going to change your mind. Even though I love you and miss you and want to be with you, I”m still putting you behind my wife, kids, work. Its not fair to you at all. I hate it. You’re getting little scraps of me and trying to make the best of it with huge amounts of heartache in between. You are totally right to be frustrated and lost and hurt. You’re getting practically nothing from me. I love you and care very deeply for you but I’m not showing that to you by letting you continue to hurt like this. I’m sorry for that.
From Me: Is this you letting me go? Are you telling me your fear of leaving is greater than the hope for what you have to gain?
From W: I’m not saying that, but I should be. I feel like that is what I should do or that is what you need me to do. Or want me to do. Changes involving my career were easy. At least for me. These changes that involve leaving family are so much harder. I’m not saying we are over. I’m saying that this is hard for me. And that I may not be able to tell you in ways that you can understand. You may just have to believe me when I tell you. It’s just so incredibly hard.
From Me: You aren’t leaving your family by making a decision to get divorced and doing it. You are just making adjustments in your family dynamics. And yes, I am fully aware of how difficult it is to do. I have done/am doing it. I know how scary it is. When I made the choice I didn’t have a [insert my name] – someone to catch me, a safe place. ( I go on to list three couples that he also knows that left their marriages for each other. BTW one is getting married soon, the other two have been happily married for several years).
From W: The fear is what I’m dealing with. I brought this on myself and you and I need to fix it. It’s my burden and shouldn’t expect anyone to understand it or help with it. You do serve as inspiration to me. You always have.
From Me: As far as me wanting you to let me go. That is not really what I want at all. What I want is for this sadness, anger frustration and anxiety I feel because of my position with you to be over. I want to not feel like this anymore. I want to feel loved, secure, cared for, nurtured, valued…by you. I want you. And want you to want me the way I want you. That’s what I want. It’s not that I want you to let me go..I want the hurt to stop. I want to stop this pain and the hits to my self worth that comes from being the OW to stop. If the only way for that to happen is for us to part ways…as unthinkable as that is…It may be the only way for me to get out from under this mountain of hurt I carry. It would suck, just thinking about it sucks the wind out of me. I hate I am at a place I even have to consider that. I hate this. Why can’t we have the fairy tale ending we planned? I am so torn. Because for me to get out from under this I will have to claw my chest open, rip out my heart and grind it into the gravel…then learn to live with the gaping hole until it heals…if it will even heal. Or continue to carry the burden for what may be forever. Those are my options and I hate them.
From Me: At one time we were a couple and we intended on tackling all this stuff together. Now, I deal with things on my own and I guess you do too. It doesn’t feel like we are couple anymore, does it? I feel that, I know you do too, because you are different with me than before. I suppose I am too. This has changed us.
From W: What would you need to help us feel more like a couple to you? More visits, longer visits? Weekend visits? What about trips away? Or easier things like more phone calls? Lots of time together doing fun things and normal things. Just living.
From W: Falling asleep hard…we have to talk about this tomorrow. Sleep well and goodnight.
From Me: All of the above. Normal couple things. I think the last time we spoke on the phone was three weeks ago. I don’t know what your relationship model looks like, but I am in love with intimacy and closeness. Mylove languages are quality time and physical touch. Both require time and a person to be present. Gifts, acts of service, and verbal affirmations – none of those require a person to be present, but mine do.
Plus, I would add it being just us. I am protective of my relationship with you. At one time you told me to hold you close. Make you accountable. You wanted me to call you out if I felt something or thought something wasn’t right. You wanted me to protect you and our relationship. I have. I’m not sure you like it or even feel the same way about me.
Yep, I’m falling asleep too. Good night
From W: Goodnight
That’s the last I heard. So, I am waiting for the conversation to begin again. Sigh.