Last nights texts from W. .

I read in a fellow blogger’s blog that you aren’t really blogging unless you get nervous about the hitting the publish button.  This one makes me a little neverous to hit publish, because it is private words between he and I but I’m hitting it anyways, because I want some guidance.

I’m trying to wrap my head around what he is trying to tell me.  Sometimes we are so engrossed in the relationship it is difficult to make out what is really being said, especially when it is spoken in indirect ways.  I think he is telling me he doesn’t want to let me go or get divorced.  However, he would like to make the affair easier for me, rather than leave to be with me.  Am I reading that right?  What are your thoughts? Oh, and I did find more words to say to him.  I am getting better at that.  It isn’t always easy, but quite honestly I feel like it is what I have to do right now.

Here is some backstory…There were many texts going back and forth between W and I yesterday about the post his wife made on FB last week. To paraphrase those:  He said she was did it to maintain apperance for their community of the happy family.  He said his marriage was far from wedded bliss, but did admit that things were better at home than they were when we first met.  He thought that she was trying harder because she had become more aware of how good she has/had it with him.  I asked him what that meant and he said it was unfortunate that it had happened now, because he was checked out emotionally and physically after trying for so many years and that he couldn’t go back to her.  I then asked why he was putting me and us through hell for a mariage he was no longer invested in.  I told him I thought he valued his marriage more than he was admitting or he either valued our relationship less than he expressed to me.

That is the backstory and this is where I begin with last night’s texts…

From W:  You are so much more courageous than me.  I envy you for how you aren’t afraid to step out and go for what you want.  I used to be like that.  I’m scared.  I’m totally terrified to lose everything I have – even the parts that aren’t that good.  If you want to call that valuing what I have more than I thought or more than I said, that’s fine.  I understand.    I don’t think anything I say is going to change your mind.  Even though I love you and miss you and want to be with you, I”m still putting you behind my wife, kids, work.  Its not fair to you at all.  I hate it.  You’re getting little scraps of me and trying to make the best of it with huge amounts of heartache in between.  You are totally right to be frustrated and lost and hurt.  You’re getting practically nothing from me.  I love you and care very deeply for you but I’m not showing that to you by letting you continue to hurt like this.  I’m sorry for that.

From Me: Is this you letting me go?  Are you telling me your fear of leaving is greater than the hope for what you have to gain?

From W: I’m not saying that, but I should be.  I feel like that is what I should do or that is what you need me to do.  Or want me to do.  Changes involving my career were easy.  At least for me.  These changes that involve leaving family are so much harder.  I’m not saying we are over.  I’m saying that this is hard for me.  And that I may not be able to tell you in ways that you can understand.  You may just have to believe me when I tell you.  It’s just so incredibly hard.

From Me: You aren’t leaving your family by making a decision to get divorced and doing it.  You are just making adjustments in your family dynamics.  And yes, I am fully aware of how difficult it is to do.  I have done/am doing it.  I know how scary it is.  When I made the choice I didn’t have a [insert my name] – someone to catch me, a safe place. ( I go on to list three couples that he also knows that left their marriages for each other.  BTW one is getting married soon, the other two have been happily married for several years).

From W: The fear is what I’m dealing with.  I brought this on myself and you and I need to fix it.  It’s my burden and shouldn’t expect anyone to understand it or help with it.  You do serve as inspiration to me.  You always have.

From Me: As far as me wanting you to let me go.  That is not really what I want at all.  What I want is for this sadness, anger frustration and anxiety I feel because of my position with you to be over.  I want to not feel like this anymore.  I want to feel loved, secure, cared for, nurtured, valued…by you.  I want you. And want you to want me the way I want you.  That’s what I want.  It’s not that I want you to let me go..I want the hurt to stop. I want to stop this pain and the hits to my self worth that comes from being the OW to stop.  If the only way for that to happen is for us to part ways…as unthinkable as that is…It may be the only way for me to get out from under this mountain of hurt I carry.  It would suck, just thinking about it sucks the wind out of me.  I hate I am at a place I even have to consider that.  I hate this.  Why can’t we have the fairy tale ending we planned? I am so torn.  Because for me to get out from under this I will have to claw my chest open, rip out my heart and grind it into the gravel…then learn to live with the gaping hole until it heals…if it will even heal.  Or continue to carry the burden for what may be forever.  Those are my options and I hate them.

From Me: At one time we were a couple and we intended on tackling all this stuff together.  Now, I deal with things on my own and I guess you do too.  It doesn’t feel like we are couple anymore, does it?  I feel that, I know you do too, because you are different with me than before.  I suppose I am too.  This has changed us.

From W: What would you need to help us feel more like a couple to you?  More visits, longer visits?  Weekend visits?  What about trips away?  Or easier things like more phone calls?  Lots of time together doing fun things and normal things. Just living.

From W: Falling asleep hard…we have to talk about this tomorrow.  Sleep well and goodnight.

From Me: All of the above. Normal couple things.  I think the last time we spoke on the phone was three weeks ago.  I don’t know what your relationship model looks like, but I am in love with intimacy and closeness.  Mylove languages are quality time and physical touch. Both require time and a person to be present.  Gifts, acts of service, and verbal affirmations – none of those require a person to be present, but mine do.

Plus, I would add it being just us.  I am protective of my relationship with you.  At one time you told me to hold you close.  Make you accountable.  You wanted me to call you out if I felt something or thought something wasn’t right.  You wanted me to protect you and our relationship.  I have.  I’m not sure you like it or even feel the same way about me.

Yep, I’m falling asleep too. Good night

From W: Goodnight

That’s the last I heard.  So, I am waiting for the conversation to begin again.  Sigh. :/

Ignorance is bliss…

After seeing that Facebook post by his wife last night all I could think about is how happy she is.  Not that I begrudge her that, I’m glad that she isn’t suffering or hurting.  I’m quite jealous and wish I could go back and not know everything that I know and live under the guise of ignorance, even if it means that I am living a lie. At least then I wouldn’t feel like I do right now.

I looked back through my blog since I started it a little over a month ago.  38 posts in all.  There is not one happy one.  I have been blogging trying to relieve some of the feelings I am dealing with in private.  In public, I am a happy girl going through life.  I talk with my friends, spend time with my children and family, engage in social activities.  Most of the time I don’t feel like it, but I put on my happy face and force myself to get out there.  This has been where I can come and spew forth my heartache, resentment, frustration and anger. What I see written in my posts are my most prominent feelings daily.

I have been carrying the heartache of my relationship with W.  I’m the one who knows who he is and what he is capable of.  He gives her what she needs and keeps her happy.  I make him happy (or so he has told me hundreds of times), and he takes his happy self home and makes her happy.  I am the one that is left heartbroken with the ugly truths.  I carry the secrets, I bear the sacrifices to keep him happy.  I sacrifice so much of myself for him, and he in turn takes it to her.  I am not the benefactor of my sacrifice… he is and she is.

So, yes I want her ignorance.  I wish I had him home with me every night and I didn’t have to know the truths that I know.  I wish I could have her bliss.  Her ignorant bliss.  Her wedded bliss.

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Facebook…

So, one of the ways I figured out that my W was married was Facebook.  Once I had his real name and the town he lived in I was able to do some research.  I check his wife’s Facebook page periodically.  I don’t know why.  Curiosity, I suppose.  I don’t know her.  Like many OW I am curious to get the wife’s side of the story.  This gives me some insight into her perspective.  I don’t check it often.  She doesn’t post a whole lot, and nothing about her family usually.  I would say I hadn’t looked at her account in about month, until last night.  I’m not sure I am glad I did or not.  In my previous post I ended with saying I was looking for a catalyst to either leave W or stay.  I may have found that last night.  I am still shaking.

W has always maintained that his wife is distant.  Pays no attention to him.  He says they rarely even talk unless it is about the kids.  He claims that they don’t do things together, sleep together, or even eat meals together.  He says they are like roommates that aren’t even friends really.  I believed this some what.  His constant contact with me would suggest that that is a possibility. I always wondered how he could constantly text me in his house without arising suspicion.  Even this past week I asked if she had questioned changes in his behavior since we met a year ago.  He claimed that she hadn’t because she is uninterested in him.

Fast forward to last night.  I checked her page and during the days he spent with me this week she was Facebooking what a great husband she had and about their years of wedded bliss.  Wedded BLISS! She thanks him for being the best husband, friend, father. This is the first time I had seen posts of this nature since we had met. It knocked the wind out of me.  Literally, knocked the wind out of me.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around this.  I haven’t told him yet.  I have only said that I was upset and would discuss it later.  Later being when I could form rational sentences instead of lashing out in rage.

Here are some of my thoughts.  I know that people put up things on their Facebook page to maintain the appearance of a happy life even when things are not so happy.  However, something in my gut tells me that is not the case.  There were comments on her post from people congratulating her etc… Her Facebook page was the final piece of the puzzle as I pieced together his “real” life several months ago.  For me it is a place of truth.  Here is one thing that give me pause as to if her post was entirely true of her perspective, or if she was just painting a pretty picture for their friends and family. Over the course of the past year W did something with me that would suggest that his marriage is far from happy.  This would be spending his wedding anniversary and his birthday with me…the entire day and night for both occasions, though under the guise of being on a business trip.

If this is truly her perspective of their marriage, he has been doing a good job of playing the part of husband at home.  Which would mean I have been lied to once again and he has been playing us both.  If she thinks she is in wedded bliss, she is either in denial or completely clueless, because she is far from wedded bliss with this man.  Can he be that good at switching roles that when he returns home he is completely able to hide our relationship?  Who is this man I have shared my heart, soul and body with?

I didn’t enter into this relationship with the knowledge I would be the other woman.  I thought he was a widower.  Then later when I knew the truth I thought he was leaving her for me.  It wasn’t until recently I began to wise up.  He is that good at convincing me that his feelings and intentions are real.  He sells it so well.

Sorry, I know this post is all over the place.  I have yet to confront him with my new found knowledge.  I don’t yet know what I am going to say, how I am going to say it.  My head is spinning.  I don’t know what is real and what isn’t real.  I feel numb and indecisive.  I feel crummy.  I wish I could talk to her.  I won’t call her, email or text her, but man I wish I knew her story in this.

He shampoos my hair…

So, I never found the words to speak to W…before he came to see me.  

He was here.  In my space.  In my new space that is all mine.

I hid my hurt.  I hid my sadness.  I smiled and laughed like I usually do in his presence.

We had some drinks.  The drinks were flowing and it became easier to mask my pain and discontentment.  It became easier to fall back into the couple that is us. I bit my tongue and swallowed what is left of my dignity and pride and enjoyed being in his presence.  I enjoyed the warmth of his skin, the way his smell engages the very essence of my sexual being.  I let his voice and laughter entertain my ears.  I watched him as he engaged with others and thoroughly enjoyed the things I love about W.  I allowed him to fill the aching hole in me that is left in his absence…I enjoyed him.  I simply enjoyed him, the man I love completely.

Yesterday we took an hour long bath together.  We explored our sexuality more.  I bared myself sexually to him in a way I have never bared myself to another.  We discussed mundane things, funny things, normal chatty things.  I feel so accepted in his company.

He shampooed my hair.  Yep, shampooed my hair.  Not only did he shampoo my hair, but he sang to me as he shampooed my hair.  Something so simple, but so sensual.

The past two days were different.  I am different.  I was able to enjoy his visit without expectations of more. I no longer expect him to give me more.

I WAS able to find my words before he left.  I brought them up in a nonchalant way.  I asked a simple question, “Tell me before you leave.  What are you thinking about us?”

I think I opened pandora’s box.  What are you thinking about us?  is such a loaded question, but I knew it would start the conversation I wanted to have.  I have an educational background in psychology and use consultative interviews in my career field all the time.  I knew the best way to start my conversation was to first see where he was in his thinking.  So, I asked lots of open ended questions and listened without comment, judgement or criticism.

Here are some of the things he said to me:

“I know I love you, and you are who I want to be with”

“I know I want a future with you and that is where I see us.”

“I should have never given you a timeline for when all this will happen. ”

“It was wrong of me to tell you when and give you a date, when I couldn’t deliver.”

“I know this isn’t fair to you.”

“I know how hard this will be.” Screeching halt…will be?! He had to have meant…has been, right? Bit my tongue harder, because I had been telling him in the past that this was the most difficult thing ever, but I wanted to allow him the safety to talk to me, so I sat silent, urging him to continue.

“I can tell you are living in moment now, and that is a good thing.”  I had to ask for clarification about what he meant about this one.  His response, ” There isn’t the pressure that was on me before.  It feels good to not have the pressure anymore.”

Now I know what he means.  He means I have stopped pushing him to make good on the promises he made me.  I stopped sharing with him my anxieties, fears and sadness at the hopes that were slipping out of my reach for me, for him, for us.  Instead of turning to him I turned inward.  Actually, I turned here…to my blog, to my readers.  I let him off the hook.  It made him feel like I was living in the moment and not necessarily focused on a future with him.  I took his accountability to me away. I eased his emotional load and took it on.  He is feeling better. I am not.

We talked about why he doesn’t leave her.  He says he is waiting for the right moment, the right feeling…some sort of catalyst to push him towards it.  I explained that the catalyst was him and owning his own happiness.  Deciding what is right for him and holding true to that.  We discussed how he gets his self worth from pleasing others, and that when ending a marriage you have to be able to disappoint some to remain true to yourself.  It is really a show of great self-love and strength to be able to stand tall for what makes you happy in life and go after it. I love this quote from The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, “I want to know if you can disappoint another, to be true to yourself.”  That verse gives me chills!  The whole poem does actually, I encourage you to read it.  I digress. I think he is waiting for his wife/children/family/himself to let him off the hook.  He is looking for a legitimate reason to leave, other than his own happiness…basically he is waiting for approval and acceptance to leave.  He doesn’t want to take the backlash for their marriage dissolving, their family evolving.

I finally had my turn to talk with my new truths about what he was thinking tucked away in my mind.  I quickly realized that he wasn’t ready to let go of me, but he wasn’t ready to leave her yet.  In the book, “Will He Really Leave Her for Me?” The author discusses this very scenario. She calls it ambivalence.  She goes on to say that this is a good sign if you are the OW.  In her words it means you have a man who is trying to look out for everybody’s interests and is trying to make a good decision.  I don’t know if I agree or not, but he definitely fits the profile for being ambivalent.

I began my part of the conversation as the speaker, rather than the listener after he made a reference to having no intention of making me the OW…I stopped him with a simple…”That’s who I am. That is what you ARE doing.” I saw it click in him as my words were spoken.  Then I began to allow my words to take flight.  Many of the words I speak in my blog were coming out in spoken form rather than written.  I saw my network of women bloggers in my head nodding with me, encouraging me to go on.  I told him that I wasn’t living in the moment, well maybe I was, but not like he thought.  I told him the reduced pressure had come from me coming to terms with my position and situation, and that I had stopped looking for the “when” he will leave and had started looking for the “if” he will leave.  I had begun to weigh my options.  I told him I two options to stay and accept the way things are or I can leave.  I told him I wasn’t going to give him an ultimatum, but I would make that decision based on my needs and desires and not necessarily on the promises he gave me.  He understood.

I also told him that I felt small by this relationship.  I expressed that I am a strong woman with courageous strength who will stand up and take the hit to be happy in my life.  He nodded, because he has seen me make big decisions, take risks and be true to myself.  He knows I can be fearless.  In the year since I met W he has watched me tackle some major life transitions, take leaps of faith and he has seen me be strong.  He knows that I can and will make necessary changes to be true to me and those I love.

I told him what I wanted out of life and that includes a partner by my side.  I haven’t been married for 6 years now.  There was a time I didn’t know if I wanted to get married again or not, but I know that I do now.  I will find a partner.  I want it to be him desperately, but I will not sacrifice that need for companionship, intimacy and love to wait in the shadows for him indefinitely.  I may not wait another week.  I told him that, and I did without crying.  I got close a few times, but I did it.

Yesterday when he left, he and I both shed some tears as he said goodbye.  There is something so primal about our attraction to each other.  I can think of no other way to express how this man makes me feel in his presence other than he seems to fill every empty crevice in my soul and my being.  When he leaves me it feels as though there is a huge hole within me.  It leaves me heartbroken every time he leaves me.  It is as though I am left wandering around aimlessly without purpose.  When I am with him I am lifted up, when I am not I feel deflated and hollow.  I push through for just a bit more.  Somewhere in here I will find my catalyst.  The thing that W is looking for to leave his marriage is the same thing I am looking for to leave him or to stay.  There is some irony in there somewhere.

Human by Christina Perri To W….

I could have wrote this to W…

“Human”

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I’ll get through it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I’m only human
I’m only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
‘Till I’ve had enough

Cause I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and i break down
your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I want to be BRAVE…

Clearingskies97 posted this a bit ago. I went to find it to reblog it, but I think it was on her blog she deleted. This song is speaking to me, especially today! The words…WOW! It’s like this song was written for me.

“Brave”

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just want to see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Pink – Glitter in the Air

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Is she for real with this performance?  High five, Pink! I have always loved this song and as soon as met W this song gave me chills.  I sent it to him and it gave him chills too, or so he said.  I am not sure what is real when it comes to him anymore.  Everything I thought I knew seems shattered right now.

Have you ever felt a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it <- Yep, I did and I have with him. 
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don’t care?  <- I did when I continued even after I knew the truth about him.

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning, and the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? <- I have
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone <- guilty
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? <- Not until I met W
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside? <- Not the way I did him.  I trusted him.

It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar <- yep he does/did
No no no no no no

Have you ever wished for an endless night? <- every night I have ever been with him.
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight <- Nights with him are all the best nights.