My last post was my 100th post. I didn’t realize it when I posted it, rather wordpress reminded me after the fact. I started this blog in January as sort of an outlet and in search of others who were experiencing what I was/am going through. I always said that I was going to be as honest as possible with the experiences and feeling, as I have had many women reach out to me looking for answers much like I was.
I have made some friends through my blog. Two, that I have become really close with…I speak with one pretty often and think highly of her and it has been such a joy to watch her grow and tackle her problems, she has been such an insipiration. Many of you have watched her progress too, she is an OW no longer, yay!!!! I think we can all celebrate that. With a few exceptions, I don’t think any of us want to be the OW, so I think we can all celebrate the fact she has worked so diligently and has moved forward in her life tackling other issues with the same grace. The other friend is a long distance friend. Many, many miles separate us, and we have only communicated with emails. There have been thousands and thousands of words, feelings, emotions, actions and stories that have crossed the ocean in hopes of finding some relief, answers and comfort from one another. She removed her blog many, many months ago, but our conversations continued. Then there are my blogging friends. The friends I communicate with here. The support I get from reading your alls posts and comments, as well as answers when trying to contemplate a future with W have been so amazing. I am grateful for that, so thank you. I have also made some enemies…well, I haven’t went out and attacked anybody here. In fact, I try very diligently to not ever be hurtful to another blogger. We all suffer a hurt, and hurt is hurt…I try to understand that. But nonetheless, when you wear the Scarlet A you will attract some fanfare for that, but I just ignore the hate and see the hurt and some I give no mind to at all. For the most part it has been such a positive experience.
So, here is my update…
For the past couple of months (since middle of July) I have been really stepping back and trying to take inventory of what this affair is doing to me, W, my family and his family. This was a really difficult period for me as I was stuck between wanting to let go, but being afraid of letting go. I tried many times to find my words only to chicken out. I am not sure what I was afraid of…a future without him, the pain I would feel in the aftermath, making the wrong decision. I got my answer the end of August when he surprised me with an unexpected visit.
I was glad to see him and terrified at the same time. You see there was this big “thing” between us. I was filled with so much anger, hurt and resentment towards the situation, which I blame him for, though I know I have some accountability too, I didn’t want to sit with him and be cheerful, sexy and loving. I wanted to have it out with him. Instead, I found myself in the bathroom crying before going to bed with him, because I didn’t want to have sex with him and bond with him, yet I wasn’t sure how to get out of it without using the words I was so scared to say. In the end, I didn’t use my words that night. I regretted it the next morning when he got up and left happy and I felt terrible.
I continued my dilema for a couple of more weeks, until things came to a head last week. It was as if my words got so big I couldn’t hold them in anymore. I was choking on them. He decided we needed to talk in person. So, he made the commute here and we sat without touching, without smiles, without affection…and I spoke from my heart. The words finally made their way out. I’m not sure what he was thinking…honestly, I did’t care in that moment. It felt so good to get them out. I told him how he had hurt me, disappointed me, made me feel weak and small. It was a somber talk without yelling or accusations. He asked what he could do to fix things. He told me the reasons (which were the usual…money, obligations, kids, etc) for why he had been unable (he used unable, but it was really unwilling) to fulfill his promises to me. I had heard them all before so this was nothing new. He said he was afraid to get a divorce but equally afraid of losing me. I told him he wasn’t treating his wife, children, me or himself right. I told him he may physically be at home most nights, but emotionally and mentally he was somewhere else. I told him he was living a life commited to nothing. He can’t fully committed to his home life when his mind and part of his heart is elsewhere, and he couldn’t fully commit to me when he was married. He asked what he could do right now to help me feel better. I told him in all honesty…nothing. It is a hurt I am going to have heal myself. I told him that even if he got a divorce today, I am not sure there would be a future for us.
Let’s think about that…even if he committed to getting divorced right now what would that future look like?
These are things I shared with him…
- I know what he is capable of, how could I ever trust him?
- He is ambivalent about leaving, how could he ever really find the conviction and backbone required to get through a divorce?
- Would he even be the same man that I fell in love with after the emotional toll of going through a divorce he was so scared to get?
- He has had to lie to me so many times to maintain the affair, to keep me hanging on, how could I ever trust him?
- There is so much hurt and anger on my end, it has changed my feelings towards him and us. There would need to be a lot of work to recover that. I sincerely doubt he has the type of commitment that would be required to get us through that and into a healthy place.
Do you seem a common theme here? Distrust, insecurity and doubt these are things affairs leave behind in their wake.
He talked about us hanging in there while he sorts this out. I told him it would just be more of the same. I have given him 19 months of my life waiting and I didn’t want to do that anymore, and besides the anger and resentment are just killing the relationship slowly anyways.
There was no physical affection between us during his time here. I was not only emotionally guarded, but physically guarded as well. I knew that if I let him touch me, or I touched him I would melt, because I love him and am in love with him, though that looks different now than it did even 6 months ago.
Normally, being around him is like hitting a reset button. After a visit I usually feel more empty than I did before the visit. This is because we bond and do things that bring us closer. When he leaves it feels like a hollow empty place is left. Over a period of time that hollow feeling begins to shrink and becomes smaller, then seeing him is like opening it back up. This visit though was different. Though seeing him leave was difficult, it was a different kind of empty and hurt.
He asked if he could come back the following week (this week) for a couple of days…and are you ready??? I told him that is confusing for me and didn’t think it was a good idea. Can you believe it? It is the first time I have told him no to a visit. Friends, I even shocked myself.
I decided against the no contact rule for now. That was so difficult to do back in February. However, we haven’t had a lot of communication. The communication feels easier as it is more like friends talking. The tone of our messages have changed from ones that lovers would share to more of ones friends would share, and there are way fewer. If at some point I find communication to be difficult or detrimental I will reexamine that, but for now I don’t believe it is hurting my progress of letting him go.
In a lot of ways, I feel like I already have let go. The communication is just one last string in the rope that was our relationship that hasn’t frayed yet. The picture I used above is very much how I see my relationship with W. The rope once broken can never be made whole again, or be the same. I suppose you could tie it back together, but it will still never be the same, and there would always be a hump/bump as a reminder of where the rope was severed. (I’ll write a full post on this at a later date).
When he left he said…I’m not going to make you any promises or tell you I am going to work on this, as I know my words mean nothing to you. I am going to think on the things you said very seriously though.
That is where we are. Since he was here and I found my words I have felt a lot of the heaviness I felt before lifted. I was able to have a good weekend and for the first time in many months I felt true peace. It was short lived as other areas of my life with my ex husband bit me in the butt again two days ago, but at least I know true peace without W as a lover is a possibility.