Wise words! You will be missed Maya Angelou.
c“Have you lost your mind Kelly?” Probably but a friend asked me to put recipes on my blog..”Every great blog has recipes” she said. After giving it some thought I figured why not…I once made the statement “I love to cook, but I live for baking”…and it’s still true, although it was once impossible with all the voices screaming in my head. I now use it to help heal…every jar full of cookies is a “screw you” to “the whore”…you didn’t beat me. So here we go… another first….Cinnamon Rolls so easy, I almost named them after “the whore” .
Cheating Heart Cinnamon Rolls
1 yellow cake mix 1/2 cup softened butter
5 cups. All purpose flour 1 cup melted crunchy peanut butter
2 pkgs. Yeast Brown Sugar
2 ½ c. very warm…
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First of all things are going well for W and I. After my last blog post W came for a visit, which I knew about, but surprised me staying an extra night. He helped me with some stuff I needed done and brought me the prettiest floral arrangement. There was lots of sex, but his last night here we took a long sensual bath together with music, and then spent the next hour just enjoying each other sexually. We had a great visit and spoke at length about him getting a divorce. He seems like he is finally really trying to figure out what he needs to do, and how to do it. So, now that you are up to speed, fast forward to yesterday and today…
W sent me lots of photos yesterday. One of them was of he and his son. He had his left arm around his son, and had his hand resting on his shoulder. The first thing I noticed was the shiny wedding band sitting on his finger. I have never seen the wedding band, though he had told me he wears it when he isn’t with me. For those who are curious I asked where he keeps it when he isn’t wearing the wedding band. He said he simply leaves it at home. Anyways, I digress. So, I see the wedding ring, and immediately feel my heart sink. I didn’t say anything at first as I was tending to my children, but later that night I sat down to make a comment on it. Well, that is when the mistext comes into place. Instead of sending the text to W, I sent this very personal text to my ex-husband who has no idea that W is married. My relationship with my ex-husband is not a good one. However, I didn’t realize until today what I had done.
I immediately texted W what had happened as soon as I realized it this morning. I felt like I was going to throw up. Honestly. W was sick about it too. We spoke at length over the phone about it. My ex never mentioned the text. So, I think I am going to pretend it didn’t happen. Most of the people in my life know that I am with a married man, they know him. I introduced W to a lot of my family and friends, before I knew he was married. I had introduced him as a widower with no children that lived in a different place and told them he had a different last name. Why? Because that is what he had told me. We fell madly in love during that time. Once I found out the truth and he and I decided to move forward with truly being together and getting married, I had to tell my family that he had three children, that he had a wife, he lived in a different town, and his last name was different. There was no way to hide the truth from them. I was surprised at how supportive most people were frankly, including my parents. However, I hadn’t told my ex anything about him and never told him he was married. This is definitely not something I want my ex knowing about W, but it happened. So, what do you do, you can’t undo it.
Back to the wedding ring issue. I did finally get the message to W that it bothered me to see it on his finger. He asked me what kind of ring I would like to see there. We sent a couple of pictures of different rings…one funny, one serious. That lighten the mood a bit, but I am still bummed about it. Even though we are in a long distance relationship and he is married, we stay connected through our phones from early in the day until late at night. We text often and daily. So this is how the text convo goes tonight:
Me: Did you know that you are my favorite person? I want to share in all that you love. You are my choice for a life partner. I want a lifetime with you. I want to be by your side for always. I truly, madly deeply love you. I want you and need you. I want to believe that we are different and we will one day be together. I want to believe that so badly.
W: You are my favorite person in the world too. I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving someone. Every single day I honestly imagine my life with you as your partner..your husband. You make me so happy and you mean everything to me.
I believe he does feel this way and they aren’t just words, because I know the love between us. I know our daily conversations. I know his reasons for not getting divorced right now, but It is incredibly difficult playing the waiting game. And it so hard when you feel like you are that person’s soul mate, my twin flame, to know that he is living with a woman that is the one entitled to him that carries his name, mothered their children, and lives with him. I have never met his wife, spoken to her, or seen her in person. I have only ever been to the town where they live together once (he is a couple hundred miles away). I have seen pictures of her, but that is it. I have wondered if I would recognize her if I was to randomly bump into her. I have wondered what her story would be about W if I ever spoke to her. I think not knowing her, makes her not seem as real in my head. Well, and the fact that he is in constant contact with me. I have spoken to other OW, and many of them say that there are only certain times they are in contact with their MM. That isn’t the case for us. We are in constant contact all day and until late at night. It wasn’t like that in the beggining, but it has become like that for the last year or so. I haven’t had to contend with them going on family vacations together. We do things in public like a normal couple. He sees my family and friends. We don’t hide from PDA, even the one time we were in his town together, he didn’t mind the PDA. He doesn’t speak of her much to me, so even though my head is aware, I don’t have any real reminders that he is married most days. Until I saw that wedding band yesterday.
I am going to his town next weekend. I will spend 4 days there and I will have time with him each day. I am really looking forward to that. I hope there will be some talk and progress forward. I will let you know.
Just so everyone knows…I am keeping my blog positive. I have my blog set to only approved comments…some i have blacklisted…yes, that’s you Nephila…I love to see you show up in my spam box, just so I can delete you before I read any of your words. BTW, I love how some of them are so long with the energy you spent writing to me…as I don’t read… I love hitting the delete button…so keep on! It gives me great joy that you spend that kind of time to send me a message as I say “be gone with you.” Truly it is a great honor and highlight of my day! So, please keep the comments coming, makes my day! I could use the positive energy!
To the rest of my readers…thank you for the great comments. In just a short 5 months I have hit over 8000 views…which tells me I need to keep writing! Thank you for reading! And in case you are unaware, I am not anti-BS…I am anti-stupidity and judegement. I welcome feedback as long as it is tactful, respectful, or positive. I will not allow someone to beat up someone else who is commenting on my blog, which is why I approve all comments, and also why I don’t respond to negative comments. This is a safe place for people to share their feelings in a world that isn’t always “safe” to do so.
I think as OW, BS, and cheating spouses alike we are all trying to understand how we ended up here. None of us are each other’s enemy, we are all trying to decipher what is going on. When people are hurt…emotions fly…rightfully so. But in the end we all just want answers and that is what blogging is about. Answers! An exchange of emotion that we should be able to get out…Comments should be positive, or at the minimum thought provoking. So, there it is…
Thank you to all who read! You all make my day!
From a fellow blogging friend…a response she wrote me that I feel so many people, women, need to hear. There is so much truth in what she writes. She has a beautiful blog as well….The Recovery of Words….
I’m so sorry about all of this. I feel it deeply in my heart. It seems you and I have suffered similar experiences. My ex also tried to take my children away years ago (post-decree) in an attempt to reduce or completely nullify his child support obligations. While I won, and retained sole custody, it was some of roughest, most frightening moments of my life. That was when everything changed for me, and I no longer tolerated toxic or greedy people in my life. I cut useless relationships left and right and focused on my children and what I wanted.
I wouldn’t give someone else the power of ending a chapter in my life. I would grab proactive reins and begin creating my own life, People will either be on board or not, but I wouldn’t wait one minute longer for someone else (like W) to make major decisions for my life or keep me in suspended animation. You DESERVE to have a man in your life that will show up every day for you and your children; not be an emotional drain where you’re the one constantly giving. And your children deserve to have that too. To see their mother being loved and cared for by a responsible, giving man who would climb the ends of the earth for you. You’re selling yourself short, and the gift that you are, by settling for someone who makes you wait endlessly for him. A man that truly loves you would make the leap for you. It’s time you start seeing your value and pushing away people that don’t enhance who you are – those people that don’t contribute to your well-being. It’s time to get beautifully, downright angry and demand a better life. You are clearly a strong, caring, loving woman who will be an amazing gift for a well-deserving man down the road. Never sell yourself short and what you have to offer. Teach your children well by example about their value also.
Grab the reins of your own life, girl. Never place them in the hands of someone who is uncaring, reckless, and selfish or puts you on hold. You will feel so empowered when you take responsibility and become the creator by keeping that energy for yourself to drive your life instead of giving it away. Continue to trust people, because that’s the only way you’ll remain open. Just get better adept at knowing when to leave and let go. Life is nothing but a series of tiny deaths. Little losses along the way. And you can’t grab another thing when both your hands are full, so let go of something useless to let something or someone with purpose come into your hand. Release the attachment, because before W there was someone else you loved. And after W there will be another. No question, if you stay open and take hold of the reins. Become an expert in loss. This is where you’ll find your freedom. xo
Thank you so much for your kind, beautiful and truthful words… Thank you! I needed to hear this!
The art of letting go isn’t always an easy one, but a lesson I have been trying to learn for the last 6 months…well, most of my adult life really. The past 18 months really has been a whirlwind of change for me in my life.
18 months ago was when my finace told me he didn’t know if marriage or even being with me was what he wanted…3 months later I would find out it was because he had gotten another woman pregnant.
15 months ago I met W. He turned my world upside, and though I had been contemplating a move to a new city 300 miles away he sealed the deal.
13 months ago I found out the love of my life was married.
11 months ago I moved to the new city.
3 months ago I moved to the current place I live. I also ended things with W when I realized he was not going to leave his wife or keep the promises he made.
2 months ago, because I have an ex who doesn’t like to pay child support I got served with papers where he was seeking full custody of my kids…that is still on going, but the judge in our case thinks he is crazy, but still a never ending battle of legal crap. This was also the time I reached out to W, because the heartache of losing him with the combination of possibly losing my kids was more than I could handle. The possiblity of losing my kids is now passed, but at the time I didn’t know that.
Today…Because of custody issues with the kids, two moves in less than a year’s time, stuff with W, learning my ex-fiance had fathered a child with another woman while we were together, friends who have come in and out of my life (mostly because of my moves)…I am learning the art of letting go, or more accurately how to turn off the emotions.
I like to think I am a sweet person with compassion for people. Someone who can see outside the box of societal norms. If you could meet anyone who knows me personally and well, they would say my biggest flaw is I care too much for people, and I trust too easily. I would say my biggest flaw is because I care so much people, I tend to overextend myself. I don’t think that people can ever care too much. This world needs more compassion and caring people in it.
I think I have finally hit a place, where I need to let go. Let go of the people who don’t give back, let go of the crazy emotions that stop me from achieving my goals…Just let go of the things I cannot control.
I miss W. I still hear from him, but things just aren’t the same. They haven’t been the same since December…it is time for me to re-evaluate and just look at what I really want out of life…for me and my children. It is time. I am tired of putting on a happy face for the sake of facing the world…I want to be happy. I want someone in my life that wants to share my life with me, that will be there, where I am important to them. I want a companion. I want a friend. I want a lover that is just mine.
It has been a whirlwind…but I think I am approaching the full circle mark. I want only positive people and positive emotions in my life. I feel change brewing, and I know I can’t start the next chapter unless I end the current chapter. That chapter ending will either come in the form of him living his truth (or the truth he tells me is his truth, may not be his real truth), or I start living my truth with a person who can be completely available. Either way I know this chapter has run its course. So, as I learn the art of letting go, I hope that I stand strong and true to me and what I really need out of the people I bring into my life.