I’m sharing my blog…Yikes!

I have not been on here in a long time!!!! Quick update….I have new boyfriend.  We have been dating for 6 months.  Let’s call him Mr. Incredible.  First…the cartoon character is his doppleganger.  Second…He is pretty incredible.  Great guy.  He is fantastic.  We have fun together. sex is great.  I trust him…sort of.  I trust him not cheat, I don’t trust that he will be there for me emotionally.  He is emotionally disconnected.  What is it with me that continues to pick these men?  Please help me! He is also interested in multiple sex partners – we chat about about that, but I just can’t go there.  I want to.  My blogging friends that do, please share your experiences.

I still go to my counselor once month at a minimum.  In an attempt to be raw… Im going to share my blog with him .  My counselor thinks I have to be completely transparent to get him to jump.  I have been terrified.  I am going for it.  I have NEVER shared my blog with anybody I know.  Not family, not friends, not partners….This will be new.  He knows my past, but not the raw emotions and the heartache that comes with me.  I think he has the potential to open up, but I have to go all in first.  I am nervous as hell!

He’s worth it! Otherwise I wouldn’t even consider this! BTW…My heart is hurting again.  I only write when my heart hurts.  I need to get better about that!

Miss you, my blogging friends!

xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

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The no-no square…

So, here is the story of guy number two…

But first a little back story, so this story will make sense.  I have a young adult daughter.  I know, I can’t believe she is an adult either.  She and I are pretty tight.  She knew I was going out on a date this night.  Lord, it had been two years since she had seen me get ready for a date, so she felt the need to give me advice.  I know what you are thinking- I couldn’t wait to hear it either.  Her advice was, “Mama, have fun, but don’t let him touch the no-no square, okay?”  I about fell over.  I mean I laughed so hard, I think snorted.  The no-no square – where did she come up with this?

On to the date story – The guy I was meeting was a facebook friend of more than 3 years, but I had never actually met him.  We decided to get together.  I met him at a restaurant.  He had dinner and drinks, I only had drinks (I was nervous and not hungry). The date was going well.  He then invited me back to his place to watch a movie.  Now, remember he is really a stranger, but after two glasses of wine this seemed like a good idea.  I promptly tell him, okay, but I am not going to have sex with him.  I wanted to set the expectations.  He looked offended.  I didn’t care. I then told him I needed his address so I could GPS my way there.  He said I could follow him.  I told him I needed to text it to 4 friends in case I didn’t show up for work the next morning people would know where to find my body.  I know, I am shocked he still wanted me to come over too.  However, I needed to GPS my way there so I knew it was a legit address.  He reluctantly gives me the address and off we go.

We get to his house.  We open a bottle of wine and start the movie.  We saw maybe 10 minutes before we start making out on the couch.  It isn’t long before he has turned off the movie and has turned on some music.  We are now dancing in the middle of the room for what felt like hours.  We are now on to the second bottle of wine.  Is anybody else counting my wine consumption?  I am.  I am now on glass #5.  Not good for a petite person who didn’t eat dinner.  At some point, I end up against a wall.  There is some heavy making out at this point.  I am really liking this guy, but out of the blue…I feel the need to leave – too much too soon. So I tell him I have to go.  Yep, mid-on-the-wall-making-out I say I have to go.  He immediately  says, “Wait, why?  Did do something wrong?  I did everything you asked. I didn’t touch your, what did you call it…your no-no square.”  WAIT?  WHAT?  I sobered up real quick! I didn’t even realize I had given him boundaries, not to mention dropped the term no-no square.  Can you say horrified?

So, it gets better.  Now I go into some rambling about how I am not going to go to church with him. I love Jesus, he loves Jesus, but I’m not going to church with him.  What?  Where did that come from? He follows me out of the house.  Begs me to sleep on the couch because I have had too much to drink.  I get in the car anyway, after telling him he’s cute.

I get home, and realize I left my favorite scarf.  I text him that I left my scarf. Here is how this text convo went…

Me:  I’m home.  I left my scarf.

Him: I know.  Come back and get it.

Me: No, I’m not going to.

Him: Ever?

Me: Not sure.  Probably not.

Him: why?

Me: #welovejesus

What makes one send a #welovejesus text after a pretty steamy date?  The answer:  5 glasses of wine and I have no fucking idea.

So, after two days of me kicking myself in the ass.  I finally text him to apologize, and explain to him why I know he won’t want to see me again, but I still need my favorite scarf back.  So I offer to send him money to send me my scarf.  His response was if I want it I have to come and get it.  So, I asked when would be a good time.  I couldn’t believe he would want to see me again.  Never heard back.  That was 3 months ago.

I think it is a safe bet to say I will never see my favorite scarf again.

#welovejesus

 

 

TG – First guy…

Hello all –

So, after taking a two year break from the dating world I recently started to get back out there.  The first guy I encounter, let’s call him TG.

I met TG at a restaurant.  I was out with a girlfriend having a cocktail.  TG knocked my purse off my chair.  He apologized profusely and offered to buy me a drink.  He was there with 5 other guys.  I told him it was not necessary.  However, he bought the drink and wouldn’t not accept no to an invitation for my friend and I to join them at their table.  I joined them and after some light conversation I realized TG and I had mutual friend.

TG and I talked that night for several hours before both of us had to leave.  I thought – this guy is fantastic.  Conversation just flowed and we had several things in common.  However, the next day when I reached out to my girlfriend, she confirmed that he was indeed a great guy.  She also told me that I was just the motivation he needed to leave a girlfriend that he had lived with for 10 years, but was miserable with.  Record Scratch – Guess what?  TG never mentioned a girlfriend.

Of course- I am not going down that road again. I told TG if he finds himself single then he should call me.  In the meantime I have no interest in being with a guy who is attached to somebody else.  This was in December.  My girlfriend just informed me last week that he has hired a realtor and is house hunting.  He is moving out.   However, I do know that anytime you leave a relationship at that level there is a period of healing that needs to happen before they are ready to be good dating material.  Another big red flag is he omited the fact he was attached during our initial conversation. My girlfriend insists that he is a great guy though that has been miserable for years in his relationship and that he really is not a guy who would cheat on his girlfriend.

This was my first exerience into the dating world again – and after two years of recovering from being the OW – What do I run into? Another attached guy.  It is a brutal world out there. He calls me every week.  Sometimes daily.  I don’t talk to him.  But he leaves sweet voicemails and texts.  I just ignore them.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

I’m Back…With words of encouragement!

 

Wow – It has been nearly two years since I wrote a post.  I have read several emails and comments asking where I went.  Well, when I walked away from the toxic relationship I was in I walked away from the blog.  I couldn’t sit in the dark feelings.

Lots has happened though in that two years.  I finalized my divorce, settled my custody issues, started a new career, bought a house, got myself in counseling — AND I did not date anybody. That’s right I worked on me.  It wasn’t a conscious decision to not date.  I literally shut down.  I just didn’t find men attractive for a long time.  I think my mind knew I needed the time to heal and recover from years of toxic relationships – including my marriage.

The biggest thing I learned during this hiatus is that I actually like being single.  My life is calmer.  I enjoy my children more. I deepened my friendships and spend more time with my family.  I find that life can be rewarding and fulfilling as a single person.  I know longer look to a man to define my worth.

However, I have recently stepped back into the dating world.  I decided to write again, because I want to share a message of hope for those of you I know are struggling with toxic relationships.  I want you to know there is something better, once you break the cycle.  Also,  I have discovered I am pretty bad at dating.  I need advice. No seriously – wait the posts are coming.

Glad to be back 🙂

 

 

 

Day 2 of no contact and I am still obssessing…

I feel obssessed right now with trying to figure out what has happened.  It is like I cannot shut my mind off to it.  I guess I will just write. Write to keep me from contacting him.  Write to get the thoughts out of my head.  Write because it seems to help right now.  I will just write.

I slept pretty good last night after a couple glasses of wine and a few beers. But just like every morning since this happened I awake and it is like being slammed with several bricks all at once and the reality of the situation.

I keep going through the timeline of events.  We were so perfect.  I mean both of us for months got butterflies when we even thought about each other.  We couldn’t wait to see one another.  Our faces just beamed when we were together. We had to be in constant contact when we weren’t together. It was unusual to even go a couple of hours without some kind of contact.  He seemed to be the answer to every prayer I had ever had.  He was loyal, dependable, loving, caring, sensitive, funny, good natured and so many other wonderful qualites.  He was a good dad with a good career, he went to church. He seemed physcially and emotionally available. We had so much fun together.

The day that shady called and crumbled my world was February 17th.

Just a small glimpse of what my life was like prior to February 17th…On February 5th I received this these messages from Mr. Perfect….

I hate that I didn’t see or talk to you much today.  My day is always better with you in it.  I’m feeling really sappy right now and just wish I was there holding you in my arms.  God blessed me with you and I couldn’t be happier.  I don’t want to wait a year before we live together.  I love and miss you very much and I can’t wait for our date night tomorrow.  Goodnight baby!

I had already fallen asleep (He works late hours) so this came through just after midnight after he had sent the above text.

I made it home.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have a sick feeling because I miss you so bad.  I never thought I would want or need someone like this.  Thank you for being the beautiful woman you are both inside and out.  I love you.

There are many of those texts, but those are just some I saved. This man said things like this to me every day.  He didn’t just say the words he did things to show me he loved me.  Little did I know just 11 days later this woman would call out of the blue and all of this would just blow up in my face. There was no indication that this was going anywhere bad.  It was perfect.

The night of the 17th he wanted to come over to my house after Shady called.  I wouldn’t let him.  We talked for several hours.  He said he would do whatever he had to to fix this.  He explained things.  My mind was reeling.  He said he would be an open book.  He was all about fixing things.  We talked until 1am.  I told him I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that I needed to time to think through things and process it. We got off the phone and I went to sleep.  By the time I woke up these were the texts I was getting…

I’m sorry I’ve hurt and put you through this.  I understand if you hate me.  I wish I could go back and do this over.  I would be honest and tell you everything.  I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore and I will not bother you.  I hope that you can forgive me.

That was early in the day… I told him.  I didn’t know what I wanted and that I didn’t hate him, and I never said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He kept putting all these words into my mouth. He called Mr. Dependable, my very vest guy friend in the whole world, and after speaking with Mr. Dependable I got these messages…

I talked with (Mr. Dependable).  I’m so sorry for hurting you.  You deserve better than me.  I’m a fucking loser! You deserve so much more.  You’re such an amazing woman.  I fucked up! I want you to be happy.  I know you will never be able to trust me again and I don’t blame you.  I love you.  But you deserve better.  You deserve a man that treats you like the queen you are.  You are a unicorn (side note: that is an inside joke between us, the elusive woman that isn’t crazy but still hot) I will never find a woman as good as you.  You are the total package.  I fucked up and betrayed your trust! I would totally understand if you hate me forever.  You should.  I love you and hope you find someone that will treat you like you deserve.  I’ve never met someone as selfless as you.  You are definitely a unicorn!

Now I will add that he was very drunk by the time he wrote that message. He doesn’t usually get drunk.  In fact, it is the first time I had spoken to him drunk.  He went on after that message and messaged me several times and told me to date Mr. Dependable.  I told him I didn’t want to and he kept saying it.  I picked up the phone and called him and he was so drunk I couldn’t even speak to him. I might add that those texts came through on February 18th.  One day after Shady called.  At this time, I hadn’t said what I wanted to do, but I most certainly did not tell him that I hated him, or that I couldn’t forgive him, or any of those things.  I just still had lots of questions.

Since, then I have seen him only a few brief times.  We have spent hours on the phone with me talking at him, I say talking at him, because I can’t get him to talk with me.  He is just silent, saying very little.  Even when I ask for his thoughts.  He just says he doesn’t know what to do or say.

Last Monday night, March 2nd,  he tells me he thinks it is best if we break up and I just lost it.  It was the most emotional I have gotten with him.  I cried and asked lots of questions.  I couldn’t believe he hadn’t even tried to work this out with me, and now he was dumping me. I was so confused how a man who claimed he loved me so much with so much virgor and passion was now saying he wanted to let go. He said would come by the next day (March 3rd) after work.  The next day after work I hadn’t heard from him.  The time came and went and finally he sent this text.

I’m sorry but I’m not going to be able to make it. I don’t think it is a good idea that I come by anyway. I’m really struggling with what I want to do from here. I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I feel like that is what I would be doing. I can’t in good conscience come by right now. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you that was not my intention. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s all me. Itm struggling right now with closing out all loose ends

I sent him back a long text and told him some things, but I told him my door was always open when he was ready to talk. We talked more that night, and we talked Wednesday. Wednesday night was my marathon conversation with Crazy.  On Thursday we talked about that all day. I asked him that day what he wanted for us and if he thought we could work this out. He couldn’t believe I was asking him that after everything I knew about him.  He wondered how I could ever forgive him and move past this. I don’t think he has ever had anybody in his life that did that and I don’t think he ever gave forgiveness in his past relationships.

By this Friday we had no reason to talk, and he did call that night, and it is the first contact he has intiated in a long time. However, I have heard nothing from him since.  Not a text or anything, and now I am obssessing.

Neither of us are phone people, but the phone was our life line. We both have hectic lives and are raising teenagers, and the phone is what helped keep us connected. We talked on the phone several times a day and always ended our day with a long phone conversation if we weren’t crawling into bed with each other. We also texted a lot throughout the day. Many of our conversations were about our future together.  The no contact is hard, because for all those months that was something that we did. Having contact=connection.  Without the contact I know the connection is fading.  If I am honest, the last couple of weeks, I felt like I was initiating all the contact and he was just keeping in contact as an obligation he felt I was due from him for him hurting me. He wasn’t real thrilled about it, because all I wanted to do was talk this through until we could fix things. It was like he was done long before he said he wanted out.

I’m just so confused by all of this. I miss him. And it is just hard. And I just don’t understand.  I know it was a short relationship, but it felt real and I fell in love.  We used to talk about us being midlife and that realistically we probably wouldn’t have 50 years together.  We talked about how we would need to make the most of what time we have together. This was a man who was crazy about me and now so quickly it is just over, and I feel lost without him and lonely.

Why is no contact so hard???

Well, it has been more than 24 hours since Mr. Perfect called me…

Not a peep has been heard. I haven’t contacted him either.

Why is no contact so hard?

Why is it that when you love somebody you would rather fight than not hear anything?

Why is it that sitting on the phone with that person in silence is better than sitting in silence without having that peson on the phone?

Why do we need to feel the attachment even when that attachment isn’t good?

i have kept myself busy today.  I have visited with family and friends.  I have made myself get out of my home.  This is a first since all this has happened.  I have literally only left the house for necessities…like going to work and running kids.  The rest of the time I have spent either trying to talk some sense into Mr. Perfect, or figure out what the hell happened, or trying to find a way to quit shaking.

So today I had a mental break (not a break down, but I took some mental time off from the never ending loop that runs in my head)  and I got out of my place. I have started to open up about what has happened. I have started to accept so many things.  However, I still find myself looking at my phone over and over again hoping beyond hope that his name will come across it. Why?  Why do I need to see that to have validation that I am a good person?  Or that I am worthy?  Or that I am lovable?  Or that I am not expendible?  I’m beginning to think this is more about me than him.

I have had a series of failed relationships.  The only common demoninator is me. Obviously, I am doing something wrong.  Not that I am bad, but I am choosing the wrong men.

During all of this with Mr. Perfect…I never yelled.  I never got in a fight.  We came close one night, but I backed off.  I never got angry.  BTW…I am kind of known to be too nice.

Is being too nice a bad thing?  Doesn’t the world need more forgiving, loving and accepting people?  On Day 2 after D-day Mr. Perfect called one of my best friends…who is male… and told him to take care of me.  Let’s give my best guy friend in the world a name…Mr. Dependable, because that is what he is to me. So Mr. Dependable tells Mr. Perfect to not give up.  He tells him that I was the happiest he had ever seen me in a relationship and told him to fight…actually he told Mr. Perfect to kiss my ass and do whatever he needed to to make this right, but he really meant fight.  Mr. Dependable went on to tell him he had seen me through the years to hang in with worse and if he did the right things right now, all hope wasn’t lost.

This has all got me thinking…am I too accomodating? A few weeks ago, Mr. Perfect told me he wanted me to need him.  I stopped him cold. I don’t need any man.  It took me years to get out of a marriage where I was dependent on a man.  l will never be in that situation again. Well, after I relayed that conversation to Mr. Dependable he told me…

Well, let me tell you how that conversation went…

Mr. Dependable: You told him you don’t need him?  And that you will never need a man?

Me: Yes, you know what it took for me to get to the point that I can stand on my own feet.

Mr. Dependable: What?  Repeat after me. Never, ever, ever, tell a man you don’t need them.  You don’t have to say you need them.  You don’t even have to need them, but you never, ever tell a man you don’t need them.  I’m serious.  Repeat it.

Me: Why? How is it healthy to NEED somebody.  Isn’t that co-dependency?

Mr. Dependable:  Men like to think they are needed. Just never say that again.  Lock that away in your mind.

I always love getting a guy’s perspective.  They think in guy logic.  They explain guy psyche more than I can.  I love my Mr. Dependable.  FYI, he is the first person I called after Shady called and he talked to me to the entire 100 minutes while I waited for Mr. Perfect to call me.  He’s pretty awesome.

So here I am beginning day two of no contact…and I’m feeling stronger, but more vulnerable. It is pulling off old scabs and opening old wounds.

It just sucks! Plain and simple. It sucks. You keep waiting for the phone to ring, or a knock at the door.  You want the ending you see in the Chick Flicks…where the guy figures out he can’t live without you and he chases you down the freeway with so much passion and vigor that it stops traffic and he jumps out and declares his undying love. Sigh. This is why I don’t watch chick flicks, because it sets us up for failure with unrealistic expectations.  However, the movies do great in the box office, because we all want this and hope. Hope.

Is hope why no contact is so hard?  Or is it because we feel the loss of love and attachment?

All I know is going no contact is very difficult when all you want is to have more contact.  It is so difficult when all you want them to do is miss you, and and come running.

So, my question remains…is no contact hard because we need validation?

I don’t know the answer, but I know this sucks.  I’m not liking it at all, but I’m doing it!