Wow…so much has changed…

It has been a while since I have posted.  Life has just been hectic. I got a new job, I am wrapping up my custody trial.  I haven’t seen W in a very long while.  I ended things and started seeing a new guy.  This new guy was pretty perfect in all the ways.  I met him at Church in late October, and shortly after we started dating.  He seemed to be an answer to every prayer I ever had.  He was good to me, good to my girls.  My family and friends loved him. My girls loved him.  I loved him.

Then last Tuesday… I had my D-Day…A woman called me claiming to be my new boyfriend’s fiance. It came out of no where. I mean out of no where.  I felt the floor collapse.  This isn’t the first time I have been called by a woman to tell me she was messing with the man I was commited to, but in the past I had suspected something.  I suspected nothing with my new guy…We’ll call him Mr. Perfect, because that is what I thought he was for a long time. So, there I am stunned, feeling the air sucked out of me, as I was listening to this woman cry and carry on on the other end of the line.  What she was saying didn’t make sense.  You see, I had been introduced and taken to Mr. Perfect’s parents house several times. I see him at church. I have met his teenage daughter several times.  His family and friends know me as his girlfriend, and now there is this woman on the other end telling me she is engaged to Mr. Perfect and they have been together for six years!

The aftermath of that phone call is pretty much a blur.  I texted Mr. Perfect and told him I was on the phone with his fiance.  He texted back…fiance? To which I replied yes, and gave him her name. He said he would call in a minute and that it wasn’t what I was thinking.  She was on the way to his house (she had told me that while I was on the phone with her).  I knew his daughter was home so I gave him a heads up that she was on her way to house, because his daughter doesn’t need to be caught in the middle of this.  What followed next was 100 minutes of waiting to hear from him.  Those were the longest minutes of silence from him.  When he finally called he said she was an ex-girlfriend of his and that they had never been engaged.  He explained her away as a person who is crazy in the 270 minutes we talked after that.  Don’t they all descibe us that way when they get caught?

However, the biggest things that stuck out in my head…men who are married or engaged…

…Don’t take the OW around their parents and children and introduce them publicly as their girlfriend.

…Don’t go out to eat in public restaurants in the small town where they live with their OW.

…Don’t pick up the phone every time the OW calls no matter the time of day.

…Don’t introduce their OW to their co-workers as their girlfriend.

…Don’t take them to their house with their children home to have family dinners.

I still haven’t figured out what is going on, but I don’t necessarily believe her story either.  There is more to the story, that is just too much to write and go into.

This has all gotten me thinking.  In the 8 years since I split from my ex-husband and in the dating I have done, not one of the guys I got serious with was the relationship just us.  All of them, All 8 of them, there has been someone else in the picture.  Either I was knowingly/unknowingly the OW, or there was another woman in the picture in which I was the betrayed partner.  All of them have been love triangles even if I didn’t know it.  The question:  Does dating after 30 automatically mean you will always have a third party in the relationship?  Do people ever really break away from ex with whom they were once serious about?  Once attached to a partner are you always attached to that partner in someway?

I am doing OK.  Believe it or not, this has happened to me so many times.  There have been so many D-days for me.  D-days in which I discovering my partner has another woman in his life, that I have developed coping skills.  I have learned how to muddle through it.  I have learned how to put my big girl panties on.  I did think this one was different.  I did think that meeting a guy at church and knowing the family and friends would protect me somewhat from that, but even still it happens.  If you can’t meet a guy in church, then where can you meet a guy?

And here is the thing…I’m not mad at this lady who called me.  I don’t think I was the OW in this case, I do believe she is an ex, who doesn’t want to let go.  However, I am not hurt by her and I don’t think bad things about her. Do I want to be her friend? No. Do I want to talk to her again? No. Do I wish her well? I do. Did she throw my new relationship with Mr. Perfect in a tailspin? Yes.

I haven’t seen him since D-day.  Not because he hasn’t wanted to, but because I haven’t let him come over.  For now I am taking the time to sort out my feelings and emotions.  It took a lot for me to pull myself out of the love triangle with W I don’t want to put myself in the middle of another love triangle.  No matter what his relationship with this woman was/is it sounds as if he still has some unfinished business.

Thus is the life of dating post-divorce and after 30.  But, damn I sure thought this one was different….