An email I received:

OK…I need to say…this woman, just put into words what I have tried to say to W, about W for months now!!!! Still crying…She is spot on!

Being Her, (the other woman)...

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I asked this emailer  (TKM),  if I could post her email because it moved me SOOO much.  I can relate to it on so many levels and so many feelings.  I have looked into the mirror and just stared at myself wondering who I was and what I’d become.  Looking at my spirit filled numb body.  Realizing when I looked in the mirror after being around my husband and then again after being with HIM how it was like two completely different people standing there… body language and confidence both.  A look of being dead and empty or a look of being alive and fulfilled.  Just based on who I was with.  Let me stop talking… (writing), here is her email.  I’ve never posted email before… I asked her if I could post this and got her permission.  Please don’t think if you email me I will post it or…

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In need of relief…

It has been a hard 3 days.  It has been like a war within myself since Monday when I woke up.  This has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life.  I need to regroup and rethink what I am doing.  If anyone has any advice…things that have worked or things that haven’t, I am open to suggestions.

How do you unlove someone?  How does one fall out of love?  How do you fill the void in your heart that is left?  How do you get over missing someone?  How do you find joy in things, when the one person you want to share them with is no longer there?  How do you make the hurt stop, when the one person who could bring the comfort you need is gone?

This sucks.

It just royally sucks.

He chose me…

He chose me to go through this grief.

He chose me to use.

He chose me to be crushed.

He chose to leave me with this to deal with alone

He chose me to abandon.

He chose me to disappoint.

He chose me to bear the hurt.

He chose to break my heart.

He chose me to bear the shame of being the other woman.

He chose me to hide in the shadows.

He chose me to keep his secrets.

He chose me to leave.

He chose me to reject.

He chose me to leave with the scars of him.

He chose me to cry for him.

He chose me to live in the shadows.

He chose me to silence.

He chose me to deal with the aftermath of our affair.

He chose me to move forward without him.

He chose me to wear the scarlet A.

He chose me to mourn him.

He chose me to shut out.

He chose me to tear to shreds.

He chose me to bear this cross.

He chose me…

Left behind…

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Wow…Today and yesterday have been some days I tell you.  Now that the distractions that occured over Friday, Saturday and Sunday have passed, it has given me much time to reflect on things.  Working on the grief that is always right below the surface is a hard thing to do.  Something that is necessary for me to move forward.  I say move forward, because I don’t think I will ever move on from him.  Move on, implies forgetting and becoming indifferent.  Whereas, moving forward just means, well moving in a linear pattern into the future.  Imagine a number line, moving forward implies going from number into the next until finally you reach a destination, but there is no progress up, just straight. That seems to be my days right now, making tally marks on a calendar, hoping one day the tally marks will add up to feeling better.  How many tears are required to get there.  How many hours that are lived hour by hour until I am there.  I don’t know.  Some days I feel numb, somedays I feel better (but never OK), and somedays, like today I am drowning in the tears I cry.  Yet, like a programed doll I get up shower and take care of my children at a minimum, because I know this is not fair to them and life must go on.  There are days I cry while I cook, cry while I shower, I cry myself to sleep and I cry in my sleep, cry upon waking.  Yet, I get up every day and do it all over again, and I will do it every day…Know why?  I refuse to let my kids lose their mom to this.  

I can’t get past the feelings of abandonment and being left behind. I wonder if he knows the deep hurt and crevice he left in me?  I wonder if he feels the amount of pain I do.  I doubt it.  I made him my world, and I was just a small sliver of his.  I am sure he has no idea the deep ache that is in me, because I never had the place of significance in his life that I gave him in my life.   How could he know the hole he left in me when he never carved enough space to have a hole this large?  

I went back today and spent an hour rereading texts trying to peek inside his head.  The difference in the texts is pretty astounding over the past several months.  It wasn’t just that though, it was the lack of phone calls, the visits that almost came to a stop, the tone of the texts…Our communication had become so strained.  Probably because I was becoming more frustrated with the lack of progress and my awareness of his waffling. My emotions were so sad that I found it hard to be the playful, cheery girl he fell in love with.  I was too weak in the end to push through it.  I think he was looking for an out that wouldn’t be ugly,and he found it when I finally gave up and he took the opportunity.  I wonder sometimes if he only hung in there afraid that I would retaliate and hurt his family.  I would never do that, never even thought I would.  I think the holidays are when he stopped loving me.  I felt the distance start then.  

I am left with the feelings of being tossed aside. The words for how this feels when this occurs, I don’t think I can articulate it correctly…shock, sorrow, hurt, anger, resentment, humilation, sadness, incomprehensible, extreme grief, guilt, inadequacy, abandoned, foolish, worthless.  It is a hurt so deep it cuts into your soul and chisels at your heart.  I wonder if I will ever be able to listen to music again, or not stuggle to make myself face my day, or look at the face another and not have to hide my pain…it all feels so unfair as to why I was left with the weight and sorrow of this and he is not.  I guess, I will always wonder why he found it so easy to toss me aside.  Truthfully, my heart knows the reason, it just doesn’t want to examine it, for it is more than I can stand right now.  I wish he had found me worthy to be kept, but he did not.  So, I will somehow have to push forward, and get through my days on the number line until one day this gets a little easier, it has to.  

Falling in love…

I knew I was in love with W before I ever met him physically.  He had turned my world upside down and changed what I thought I knew about love.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship or to even find love when we met.  In fact, I met him on a dating site, because I was there catching my rat fiance at the time trolling the site. As I sat there crying, feeling heartbroken I saw W’s lovely face in “my matches” section.  

Let me back up…The now ex-fiance and I had met on this site some 3 years prior, and I was having trouble understanding why all of sudden he was having doubts about wanting to get married.  A friend of mine suggested that I check the site and see if he was back on it.  So, I  reactivated my account that had been dormant for 3 years and started searching and sure enough there was his site…with recent photos I had taken of him, photos of he and I,  he had cropped me out of course.  I knew the dates that these photos were taken so I knew this was something he had recently done, even though we weren’t broken up yet. I then created fake profiles on several sites and found him on three more.  A little backstory…during my time with the ex-fiance he was never faithful to me.  He was a serial cheater…I even at one point found a book at his place on how to be a player.  But he always came around and we even went to counseling together and things were finally good, or so I thought when he started talking about doubts. 

Which brings me back to W.  So after this fight I sat at the table in front of my computer trying to absorb what I was looking at.  In the midst of that, there was his beautiful face with his cheerful smile.  I clicked on his profile and I noticed it said single and looking for a long term relationship.  There were a couple of pictures of him and his dog.  But what really stuck out was his cheerful attitude.  His short bio ended with Life is so good.  I called a friend later and was talking to her about what had happened with the now ex-finace as of that date.  As I was talking to her I kept staring at this man’s profile.  I finally told her about W’s profile and I said something along the lines that I hadn’t been able to stop looking at it and there was something there that just pulled me to it.  She encouraged me to contact him, so with nervous fingers I reached out and said hello.  

He messaged back pretty quickly.  It was obvious from the very beginning he was different.  The way we communicated, the way he made me laugh, the way he made me smile.  The next day we exchanged phone numbers and the texting began, and  he asked if he could call the next day. The day we first spoke was Valentine’s day. Within a couple of days I was in love, I mean I had fallen hard for a man I had never even met physically.  I had no idea I could even connect with someone on the level I connected with him. He was my gift from God.  He was sent to show me that this is what love is supposed to feel like.  It was eye opening! I turned away from the ex-fiance and never looked back.  Though the ex did try to contact me many times after that.  After having a taste of what was between W and I, I had no desire to ever go back to the hell hole that was my relationship with the ex.  

I am still in love W, and I always will be.  I didn’t know he was married when we met.  It was never the relationship between he and I that was the problem, it was the relationship of him being married to another woman and me being his OW that caused so much conflict.  His inability to find courage and make the changes he needed to be happy and my inability to be in love with a man that left me to be by the side of another woman.  This was the real deal for me.  I was and am madly in love with him.  Everyday is a battle to stay away, but I also know that I cannot be that girl anymore.  It was tearing me apart slowly, it was tearing us apart.  I thought that he loved me the same way.  I am not so sure anymore.  I know for me, there was nothing that would have kept me from him, any barriers in my way I would have ripped them apart to be with him. The fear of not having him in my life was bigger than any other fear I could imagine. However, the barrier between us was not mine to rip apart, but his, and I was powerless to do anything about it. 

I left the future of our relationship in his hands.  The fact that he has chosen to let it go, rather than fight for it is one of the biggest disappointments I have experienced, and has left so many doubts as to his true feelings in regards to me. Regardless of his feelings, he was and will always be my W, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would have moved mountains to give our love a chance to flourish.  I would have done anything for him, but in the end I could do nothing but wait for him to fight for me and fight for us.  That didn’t happen, and so I mourn my lover, my friend, my soul mate, and love of my life.  I am left with nothing but our memories and the will to try to more forward in my life without him. But I miss him terribly everyday.  One day it will get better, it has to.     

I would tell him…

So, today a long-term and dear family friend was struck with a tragedy.  She found her only surving child dead in her home.  Our family friend is 85-years-old and her daughter was 62.  We are so close to this lady, like family.  Our family was the first she called upon finding her.  This was an unexpected death and there were no formal good byes or I love you’s exchanged.

This has hit so close to home right now.  The death of loved one is final, and not having the chance to say goodbye or one last I love you is heartbreaking.  Though I am sure the daughter who died knew how very much she was loved during her lifetime, you still want to the chance to say it.

This event brought to the surface that I never really had that chance with W.  I was so angry, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, let-down and wallowing in my own pity party I never took the opportunity to tell him what he meant to me, the positive differences he made in my life, or how much I would miss him, or how much I loved him and always would.  You know, the things you would say to a loved one who is dying and you know you will never see them again…at least in this lifetime.

Grieving the loss of a significant relationship is much like grieving the death of a loved one.  I wish I had treated the ending as such, but often in the immediate turmoil of breaking up that gets lost.  My mind was in a fog during those immediate days.  All I could think is “Is this really happening?”  I was focusing on getting out of bed, showering, making sure kids got to school and home safely…I was in survival mode.

I still feel his loss every day.  At first I wanted to review the texts over and over and look at pictures of us together in happier times.  I haven’t been able to bring myself to do that in the past week.  It is too painful and I need to move forward.  But today, I was reminded of how fleeting life is, and  the ending that he and I had after almost a year of an epic love story has played over and over in my mind.

If I had to do it over again I would tell him… This is not what I want to do it all, but this is what I feel I need to do for self preservation.  That he is the love of my life and always will be.  How much I will miss him every day, and there will never be a day I will not think of him.  That he mattered and made a difference in my life. That he is my soul mate and every day will forever be imprinted with that now that my heart had met his.  That I wish him health, peace and happiness.  That I will miss his stories about his life and his children.  I would tell him that I will always hear his laughter in my head, and see his smile in mind.  I would tell him that I loved his gentle nature, his calmness, sense of humor and mannerisms.  I would tell him that I will miss his touch and how he made love to my thoughts. But mostly, I would want him to know how truly much I love him and always will.

I never really got a chance to say goodbye to him, nor him to me.  I hope he knows these things and carries them with him.  I would give anything to be able to communicate with him, but I will continue to honor his choice to not communicate as I journey on. Don’t forget to tell the ones you love that you love them.  You never know what words might be the final ones spoken.

Finding myself…

I have been sitting here reflecting on so many things tonight.  The growth that has occured in recent months has been remarkable.  Out of the ashes sometimes the Phoenix does rise.  The biggest thing I have learned…I AM A STRONG WOMAN!

Yes!!!! Let me say it again…I AM A STRONG WOMAN!  Not only am I a strong woman, but I am resourceful.  I am kind.  I am beautiful.  I am someone who is joyful to be around.  I am a good friend.  I am fun.  I want to bring more of my fun and playful side to my blog, because I have missed her!

Let me introduce myself…the girl who got lost in all this madness! This girl loves funny movies! I love stand up comedy and love to speak in movie quotes and make people laugh.  I laugh more at myself than most people do.  I am a complete klutz and I am goofy.  I have been known to break out in song (though badly I admit, but I sing anyways, because singing is my favorite and the best way to bring Christmas joy to those around me) and I break out in dance.  I am the girl you see dancing and doesn’t care if anyone is watching.  I am also the girl that will walk into a new a place and make a friend, no matter where I am.  I am the person who will find the beauty in anyone I meet, with the rare exception of just truly awful people.  I have two rules…no one cries alone in my presence and no one throws up alone in my presence.  If you leave and go somewhere with me, I will never leave you and I will make sure we make it home safely no matter how much we have had to drink.  If you need someone to hold you as you sleep at night, I will do that too.  I will wipe your tears and feel your pain.  I have no tolerance for bigotry or judgement.  I find beauty in the groups of people that many hate…You know… they hate them because they claim the bible tells them to.  I don’t know what bible they are reading, but Jesus loved everybody,  even the supposed “unloveable.”

I enjoy a great intellectual conversation based in theory.  I can hang with true intellectuals and I can hang with the ignorant (ignorant is not a derogatory term, it means without knowledge or education).  I enjoy making a difference in people’s life, and I believe everyone I meet has something to teach me.

I don’t believe people are poor because they don’t work hard enough, or don’t have enough motivation or drive.  I believe people are poor because they don’t have the resources (health, education, adequate family support, an above poverty family of origin, etc..) to not be poor.  I believe in the simplicity of life and what that offers.  I would rather have one amazing, loyal friend than a million dollars (I am blessed with many, friends that is, not millions).  I believe in people before things.  I believe in the power of love.  I believe in forgiveness and give it freely.  I love to watch a plant grow from a seed to full bloom.  I find wonder in the world and don’t believe my way of thinking is the only way (this is mostly true… bigotry being something I don’t give on, or truly hateful, vile people). I am open to other ideas and cultures.  I believe that all things on this planet are of value, plants and animals.

I am a hard worker and a lover of knowledge.  I enjoy higher education and learning new things.  I am capable of overcoming obstacles and do so all the time. I love a great glass of wine paired with a simple appetizer.  I believe I have a lot to offer society and my fellow mankind.   I am confident.  I can set a goal and achieve it.

I am so complex and this barely covers it, but I am me and I love who I am! I am beautiful! And I wouldn’t change anything about me!

Sex and The City and My Mr. Big W…

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I used to watch the Sex and The City and today I woke up to find this article on People mobile.  I loved that show.  The closeness those girls shared in their friendship, the talk about relationships and boys, Carrie’s unique way of putting into words her thoughts on love at the close of each show.  I had forgotten this show and the subsequent movies until I saw this article this morning.

I was thinking about it.  W is my Mr. Big.  He is my one true love, and the one I find trouble getting past, and probably never will fully.  Much like Carrie of Sex and The City, I will move onward and try to find my happy without him. My time in grief (I’m still there) recently reminded me of how Carrie reacted in the first movie where she was stood up at the alter.  I felt so much like her, stood up at the alter.  W and I had made so many plans for the future, that when he started dragging his feet or rather backing away from me…I felt stood up.

I dove into the heartache and pain, much like Carrie did in the first movie.  I have had my girlfriends and guy friends around me much like her.  And like her, I find myself trying to piece together my life in the aftermath.  Where is my assistant Jennifer Hudson when I need her?  I mean, seriously! I want a Jennifer Hudson.

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Carrie was the queen of letting go.  I need to revisit this show and take notes.  Surely, there are some life lessons to be had in this, right?  I loved her positive attitude and the way she saw life.  I don’t want to let this experience squash my positive attitude and zest for life.  I want to continue on with hope, love, grace and forgiveness as I have in the past.  I want to learn the art of letting go, giving up control and allowing life to sometimes take me down a path that is shown to me without fighting it, to show me who I was meant to be.  I am bound and determined to allow myself to be found in the midst of this.  I will prevail with or without my Mr. Big.

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And if I find that someone to love the me that I love, well, that’s just fabulous!  Wise words Carrie Bradshaw!

Still on the up swing…

I have been so busy the last two days! I won’t lie, the distractions have been a great mental break for me.  I have barely even had time to think about W, and that felt fantastic.  I have been focused on me and settling in my life.  As I was doing that I did come across two items that made me miss him so much.  One was a rock.  A rock that he and I had picked up on a special day and we inscribed the date with our initials.  I love rocks and have always collected them from places I have been.  This little rock broke my heart when I saw it, as my mind was reminded of all the tender moments between us that day and how much hope I had for our future then.  I didn’t have long to dwell though, because I was in the midst of chaos.  The second items were some scarves that had become very special to he and I.  Those stopped me in my tracks and made me cry for a moment.  I still haven’t allowed myself to revisit that one, as it is to painful right now.  

I suppose there will be triggers like that and I should just come to expect them for a while, but the upside is I managed it and still got through my day and what needed to be done.  

I am now on day 11 of no contact.  I still miss talking to him and hearing from him, but it has gotten easier.  I did find that I wanted to send him texts and pictures of what was going on in my life, so that he could see the outcome and progress I have made in a project that I started before we broke up. In the past I would have done that, and I would have sent pictures of the items I came across as I know they were special to him too. I resisted the urge and reminded myself that his absence was his choice and I respected that.  

I still haven’t gone on my date.  I haven’t had time, but he is waiting patiently for me to have an evening when I will be available and has communicated with me daily. I’m not nearly as excited for this date as I should be, but you have to start somewhere, right?  Baby steps is what I keep saying. 

On another positive note…I have been having conversations with friends that don’t revolve around him as much.  This is a good thing and shows that he is no longer occupying my every thought. Many times throughout the past year I had a hard time focusing on the conversation unless I was discussing him, because he was so much at the forefront of my thoughts.

The next fews days won’t be as busy and I am hoping that my progress forward isn’t just a result of being so busy.  I know that I have a lot to work through still and I am not near being over him, but I hope that I will continue to take positive steps as I learn to live my life without him.   

Today was a new day…

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Yep! That is the sun you see peeking through.  I am so glad to see it. 🙂 I know I still have a long way to go, but there was finally a little relief from the heavy weight of losing him. 

Today, was different.  Today was the first day I have felt more like me.  Not all the way there, but I definitely wasn’t drowning in sorrow.  I did things I hadn’t done in 10 days…like laundry, laugh, smile, feel playful, make plans, engage in a conversation that wasn’t about him, did my hair and make up, cleaned my place, took a business phone call, etc.  You know, the things that go beyond survival mode.  

The heaviness is still there, but it is lighter now.  It seems managable.  At least today. 

I remember learning in my psychology class that it take 21 days to make or break a habit.  I am hoping I am to the half way point of forming a life where my habit of him isn’t a reflex, like the desire to pick up the phone and tell him when something happens or to say good night.  I still miss him, but it felt more tolerable today. 

First of all a great, big thank you to all of you who have reached out to me during this very difficult time.  Your words, virtual hugs, and thoughts have really helped me.  My new friends made during this process has been my silver lining.

A funny story. that was very enlightening for me…The man that I said in previous posts that would like to take me out for dinner and wine, asked what my favorite restaurant was in town.  He’s a real foodie (and handsome). Well, I moved here during my relationship with W.  Outside of going to family member’s houses and local watering holes with friends I haven’t explored much of this city, because a lot of times you do those things on dates or with your partner. I hadn’t had many dates here with W, and when we did we didn’t explore the city much.  Mostly, because his visits were almost always through the week when my children had school.  I had no idea what to tell this man. I don’t have a favorite restaurant here.  I realized I hadn’t gotten out much, and that I had isolated myself a lot waiting on W, and just being depressed. I told him I haven’t explored the city much. He didn’t care, and actually seems more excited, than before to explore places with me and show me new restaurants and do the city scene here.  Though I have no idea where that will go (and don’t worry I am not jumping into anything), it felt nice to know somebody wanted to do those things with me and was available to do them.  The best part…he is single.  And yes, I checked.