Wow…Today and yesterday have been some days I tell you. Now that the distractions that occured over Friday, Saturday and Sunday have passed, it has given me much time to reflect on things. Working on the grief that is always right below the surface is a hard thing to do. Something that is necessary for me to move forward. I say move forward, because I don’t think I will ever move on from him. Move on, implies forgetting and becoming indifferent. Whereas, moving forward just means, well moving in a linear pattern into the future. Imagine a number line, moving forward implies going from number into the next until finally you reach a destination, but there is no progress up, just straight. That seems to be my days right now, making tally marks on a calendar, hoping one day the tally marks will add up to feeling better. How many tears are required to get there. How many hours that are lived hour by hour until I am there. I don’t know. Some days I feel numb, somedays I feel better (but never OK), and somedays, like today I am drowning in the tears I cry. Yet, like a programed doll I get up shower and take care of my children at a minimum, because I know this is not fair to them and life must go on. There are days I cry while I cook, cry while I shower, I cry myself to sleep and I cry in my sleep, cry upon waking. Yet, I get up every day and do it all over again, and I will do it every day…Know why? I refuse to let my kids lose their mom to this.
I can’t get past the feelings of abandonment and being left behind. I wonder if he knows the deep hurt and crevice he left in me? I wonder if he feels the amount of pain I do. I doubt it. I made him my world, and I was just a small sliver of his. I am sure he has no idea the deep ache that is in me, because I never had the place of significance in his life that I gave him in my life. How could he know the hole he left in me when he never carved enough space to have a hole this large?
I went back today and spent an hour rereading texts trying to peek inside his head. The difference in the texts is pretty astounding over the past several months. It wasn’t just that though, it was the lack of phone calls, the visits that almost came to a stop, the tone of the texts…Our communication had become so strained. Probably because I was becoming more frustrated with the lack of progress and my awareness of his waffling. My emotions were so sad that I found it hard to be the playful, cheery girl he fell in love with. I was too weak in the end to push through it. I think he was looking for an out that wouldn’t be ugly,and he found it when I finally gave up and he took the opportunity. I wonder sometimes if he only hung in there afraid that I would retaliate and hurt his family. I would never do that, never even thought I would. I think the holidays are when he stopped loving me. I felt the distance start then.
I am left with the feelings of being tossed aside. The words for how this feels when this occurs, I don’t think I can articulate it correctly…shock, sorrow, hurt, anger, resentment, humilation, sadness, incomprehensible, extreme grief, guilt, inadequacy, abandoned, foolish, worthless. It is a hurt so deep it cuts into your soul and chisels at your heart. I wonder if I will ever be able to listen to music again, or not stuggle to make myself face my day, or look at the face another and not have to hide my pain…it all feels so unfair as to why I was left with the weight and sorrow of this and he is not. I guess, I will always wonder why he found it so easy to toss me aside. Truthfully, my heart knows the reason, it just doesn’t want to examine it, for it is more than I can stand right now. I wish he had found me worthy to be kept, but he did not. So, I will somehow have to push forward, and get through my days on the number line until one day this gets a little easier, it has to.