Ugh… I hate this feeling…

Trying to sleep and I can’t. I hate this feeling. I’m waiting for it to end and it just doesn’t. Been over 5 weeks now. I will be so glad when this whirlwind ends.

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Day 2 of no contact and I am still obssessing…

I feel obssessed right now with trying to figure out what has happened.  It is like I cannot shut my mind off to it.  I guess I will just write. Write to keep me from contacting him.  Write to get the thoughts out of my head.  Write because it seems to help right now.  I will just write.

I slept pretty good last night after a couple glasses of wine and a few beers. But just like every morning since this happened I awake and it is like being slammed with several bricks all at once and the reality of the situation.

I keep going through the timeline of events.  We were so perfect.  I mean both of us for months got butterflies when we even thought about each other.  We couldn’t wait to see one another.  Our faces just beamed when we were together. We had to be in constant contact when we weren’t together. It was unusual to even go a couple of hours without some kind of contact.  He seemed to be the answer to every prayer I had ever had.  He was loyal, dependable, loving, caring, sensitive, funny, good natured and so many other wonderful qualites.  He was a good dad with a good career, he went to church. He seemed physcially and emotionally available. We had so much fun together.

The day that shady called and crumbled my world was February 17th.

Just a small glimpse of what my life was like prior to February 17th…On February 5th I received this these messages from Mr. Perfect….

I hate that I didn’t see or talk to you much today.  My day is always better with you in it.  I’m feeling really sappy right now and just wish I was there holding you in my arms.  God blessed me with you and I couldn’t be happier.  I don’t want to wait a year before we live together.  I love and miss you very much and I can’t wait for our date night tomorrow.  Goodnight baby!

I had already fallen asleep (He works late hours) so this came through just after midnight after he had sent the above text.

I made it home.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have a sick feeling because I miss you so bad.  I never thought I would want or need someone like this.  Thank you for being the beautiful woman you are both inside and out.  I love you.

There are many of those texts, but those are just some I saved. This man said things like this to me every day.  He didn’t just say the words he did things to show me he loved me.  Little did I know just 11 days later this woman would call out of the blue and all of this would just blow up in my face. There was no indication that this was going anywhere bad.  It was perfect.

The night of the 17th he wanted to come over to my house after Shady called.  I wouldn’t let him.  We talked for several hours.  He said he would do whatever he had to to fix this.  He explained things.  My mind was reeling.  He said he would be an open book.  He was all about fixing things.  We talked until 1am.  I told him I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that I needed to time to think through things and process it. We got off the phone and I went to sleep.  By the time I woke up these were the texts I was getting…

I’m sorry I’ve hurt and put you through this.  I understand if you hate me.  I wish I could go back and do this over.  I would be honest and tell you everything.  I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore and I will not bother you.  I hope that you can forgive me.

That was early in the day… I told him.  I didn’t know what I wanted and that I didn’t hate him, and I never said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He kept putting all these words into my mouth. He called Mr. Dependable, my very vest guy friend in the whole world, and after speaking with Mr. Dependable I got these messages…

I talked with (Mr. Dependable).  I’m so sorry for hurting you.  You deserve better than me.  I’m a fucking loser! You deserve so much more.  You’re such an amazing woman.  I fucked up! I want you to be happy.  I know you will never be able to trust me again and I don’t blame you.  I love you.  But you deserve better.  You deserve a man that treats you like the queen you are.  You are a unicorn (side note: that is an inside joke between us, the elusive woman that isn’t crazy but still hot) I will never find a woman as good as you.  You are the total package.  I fucked up and betrayed your trust! I would totally understand if you hate me forever.  You should.  I love you and hope you find someone that will treat you like you deserve.  I’ve never met someone as selfless as you.  You are definitely a unicorn!

Now I will add that he was very drunk by the time he wrote that message. He doesn’t usually get drunk.  In fact, it is the first time I had spoken to him drunk.  He went on after that message and messaged me several times and told me to date Mr. Dependable.  I told him I didn’t want to and he kept saying it.  I picked up the phone and called him and he was so drunk I couldn’t even speak to him. I might add that those texts came through on February 18th.  One day after Shady called.  At this time, I hadn’t said what I wanted to do, but I most certainly did not tell him that I hated him, or that I couldn’t forgive him, or any of those things.  I just still had lots of questions.

Since, then I have seen him only a few brief times.  We have spent hours on the phone with me talking at him, I say talking at him, because I can’t get him to talk with me.  He is just silent, saying very little.  Even when I ask for his thoughts.  He just says he doesn’t know what to do or say.

Last Monday night, March 2nd,  he tells me he thinks it is best if we break up and I just lost it.  It was the most emotional I have gotten with him.  I cried and asked lots of questions.  I couldn’t believe he hadn’t even tried to work this out with me, and now he was dumping me. I was so confused how a man who claimed he loved me so much with so much virgor and passion was now saying he wanted to let go. He said would come by the next day (March 3rd) after work.  The next day after work I hadn’t heard from him.  The time came and went and finally he sent this text.

I’m sorry but I’m not going to be able to make it. I don’t think it is a good idea that I come by anyway. I’m really struggling with what I want to do from here. I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I feel like that is what I would be doing. I can’t in good conscience come by right now. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you that was not my intention. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s all me. Itm struggling right now with closing out all loose ends

I sent him back a long text and told him some things, but I told him my door was always open when he was ready to talk. We talked more that night, and we talked Wednesday. Wednesday night was my marathon conversation with Crazy.  On Thursday we talked about that all day. I asked him that day what he wanted for us and if he thought we could work this out. He couldn’t believe I was asking him that after everything I knew about him.  He wondered how I could ever forgive him and move past this. I don’t think he has ever had anybody in his life that did that and I don’t think he ever gave forgiveness in his past relationships.

By this Friday we had no reason to talk, and he did call that night, and it is the first contact he has intiated in a long time. However, I have heard nothing from him since.  Not a text or anything, and now I am obssessing.

Neither of us are phone people, but the phone was our life line. We both have hectic lives and are raising teenagers, and the phone is what helped keep us connected. We talked on the phone several times a day and always ended our day with a long phone conversation if we weren’t crawling into bed with each other. We also texted a lot throughout the day. Many of our conversations were about our future together.  The no contact is hard, because for all those months that was something that we did. Having contact=connection.  Without the contact I know the connection is fading.  If I am honest, the last couple of weeks, I felt like I was initiating all the contact and he was just keeping in contact as an obligation he felt I was due from him for him hurting me. He wasn’t real thrilled about it, because all I wanted to do was talk this through until we could fix things. It was like he was done long before he said he wanted out.

I’m just so confused by all of this. I miss him. And it is just hard. And I just don’t understand.  I know it was a short relationship, but it felt real and I fell in love.  We used to talk about us being midlife and that realistically we probably wouldn’t have 50 years together.  We talked about how we would need to make the most of what time we have together. This was a man who was crazy about me and now so quickly it is just over, and I feel lost without him and lonely.

Why is no contact so hard???

Well, it has been more than 24 hours since Mr. Perfect called me…

Not a peep has been heard. I haven’t contacted him either.

Why is no contact so hard?

Why is it that when you love somebody you would rather fight than not hear anything?

Why is it that sitting on the phone with that person in silence is better than sitting in silence without having that peson on the phone?

Why do we need to feel the attachment even when that attachment isn’t good?

i have kept myself busy today.  I have visited with family and friends.  I have made myself get out of my home.  This is a first since all this has happened.  I have literally only left the house for necessities…like going to work and running kids.  The rest of the time I have spent either trying to talk some sense into Mr. Perfect, or figure out what the hell happened, or trying to find a way to quit shaking.

So today I had a mental break (not a break down, but I took some mental time off from the never ending loop that runs in my head)  and I got out of my place. I have started to open up about what has happened. I have started to accept so many things.  However, I still find myself looking at my phone over and over again hoping beyond hope that his name will come across it. Why?  Why do I need to see that to have validation that I am a good person?  Or that I am worthy?  Or that I am lovable?  Or that I am not expendible?  I’m beginning to think this is more about me than him.

I have had a series of failed relationships.  The only common demoninator is me. Obviously, I am doing something wrong.  Not that I am bad, but I am choosing the wrong men.

During all of this with Mr. Perfect…I never yelled.  I never got in a fight.  We came close one night, but I backed off.  I never got angry.  BTW…I am kind of known to be too nice.

Is being too nice a bad thing?  Doesn’t the world need more forgiving, loving and accepting people?  On Day 2 after D-day Mr. Perfect called one of my best friends…who is male… and told him to take care of me.  Let’s give my best guy friend in the world a name…Mr. Dependable, because that is what he is to me. So Mr. Dependable tells Mr. Perfect to not give up.  He tells him that I was the happiest he had ever seen me in a relationship and told him to fight…actually he told Mr. Perfect to kiss my ass and do whatever he needed to to make this right, but he really meant fight.  Mr. Dependable went on to tell him he had seen me through the years to hang in with worse and if he did the right things right now, all hope wasn’t lost.

This has all got me thinking…am I too accomodating? A few weeks ago, Mr. Perfect told me he wanted me to need him.  I stopped him cold. I don’t need any man.  It took me years to get out of a marriage where I was dependent on a man.  l will never be in that situation again. Well, after I relayed that conversation to Mr. Dependable he told me…

Well, let me tell you how that conversation went…

Mr. Dependable: You told him you don’t need him?  And that you will never need a man?

Me: Yes, you know what it took for me to get to the point that I can stand on my own feet.

Mr. Dependable: What?  Repeat after me. Never, ever, ever, tell a man you don’t need them.  You don’t have to say you need them.  You don’t even have to need them, but you never, ever tell a man you don’t need them.  I’m serious.  Repeat it.

Me: Why? How is it healthy to NEED somebody.  Isn’t that co-dependency?

Mr. Dependable:  Men like to think they are needed. Just never say that again.  Lock that away in your mind.

I always love getting a guy’s perspective.  They think in guy logic.  They explain guy psyche more than I can.  I love my Mr. Dependable.  FYI, he is the first person I called after Shady called and he talked to me to the entire 100 minutes while I waited for Mr. Perfect to call me.  He’s pretty awesome.

So here I am beginning day two of no contact…and I’m feeling stronger, but more vulnerable. It is pulling off old scabs and opening old wounds.

It just sucks! Plain and simple. It sucks. You keep waiting for the phone to ring, or a knock at the door.  You want the ending you see in the Chick Flicks…where the guy figures out he can’t live without you and he chases you down the freeway with so much passion and vigor that it stops traffic and he jumps out and declares his undying love. Sigh. This is why I don’t watch chick flicks, because it sets us up for failure with unrealistic expectations.  However, the movies do great in the box office, because we all want this and hope. Hope.

Is hope why no contact is so hard?  Or is it because we feel the loss of love and attachment?

All I know is going no contact is very difficult when all you want is to have more contact.  It is so difficult when all you want them to do is miss you, and and come running.

So, my question remains…is no contact hard because we need validation?

I don’t know the answer, but I know this sucks.  I’m not liking it at all, but I’m doing it!

I was in a hit and run…with Mr. Perfect..

Thank you all for all of your comments over the last few days.  They have really helped. I think I can officially say I was involved in an emotional hit and run.  After several months of Mr. Perfect doing whatever he could do to get me to bond and connect with him emotionally he has officially he just disappeared.  I don’t know why. I really don’t have the answers.  All I know is I had what appeared to be the perfect relationship and then I get a call from an ex-girlfriend and then just like that he was gone.  I feel not only did I get hit by a bus when the ex-girlfriend called, but I feel like I got hit by a bus when he checked out, leaving me to deal with all of this on my own.

A few days ago I got the… I need space talk from him.  He needs time.  He’s a mess with too many loose ends.  You know the This isn’t about you, this about me” talk.  So pretty much I got dumped.  And that is where we are at.

Since I spoke to him about my talk with Crazy I have left him alone.  Friday night used to be out date night every week.  We haven’t actually had Friday date night in four weeks now.  A friend, a male friend, invited me out to help me get my mind off of things.  There in the middle of my friend date was Mr. Perfect calling me.  Initiating contact for the first time in weeks. He didn’t say why he was calling.  I told him I was out and couldn’t talk, I didn’t say with who.  He sounded shocked and surprised that not only was I out, but I wanted to get off the phone. Then he said he would let me go.  I got off the phone and didn’t offer to call him back.  I haven’t heard a word out of him since that. My guy friend I was with told me to let him sit on that and wonder. He said that drives guys crazy. Who knows, but it felt like a small victory.

A talk with Crazy (AKA the ex-wife)…

As more and more becomes clear, the only thing clearer is that Mr. Perfect has left his share of broken hearts, and he too has had his share of broken hearts.

So, I believe I explained in an earlier post that I had been friends with Mr. Perfects ex-sister-in-law for 26 years.  We are the best of friends years ago.  Then I got married and moved away and we lost touch for a while.  We reconnected several years ago through Facebook.  Since we reconnected we have seen each other a about 5 times a year on average.  I would say we are friends, but not best of friends at this point.  When I started seeing Mr. Perfect I really struggled as to if I should tell her.  After discussing it with several close friends and Mr. Perfect I decided to wait.  Mr. Perfect, though divorced, is still trying to sell the house that he shared with his ex-wife and clear up some other financial obligations.  He was wanting to get through all of that without a lot of drama from her.  They fight…a lot.

For over 3 months my relaitonship with Mr. Perfect was blissful.  I mean absolutely blissful.  I was so happy.  Then I get a call from Shady and since then things have just spiraled down the rabbit hole.  Last weekend I called my friend (Mr. Perfect’s ex-sister-in-law) and spilled the beans.  She wasn’t mad, but she didn’t really know what to say.  She asked for some time to think on it, but said she would call me on Tuesday.  Tuesday came and went and Wednesday night I asked her if she was going to get back to me. Well what followed was her calling me drunk (she’s an alcoholic), she cried and hung up on me.  So, the conversation moved to texting.  She told me she had called her sister (Crazy) and that her sister was aware of me. She said if I wanted to salvage our friendship I needed to call her sister right then.  She then sent me the phone number.  I called Crazy right then.

After some initial awkwardness, we proceeded to have a nice conversation.  She wanted to know when I started seeing Mr. Perfect.  She was wondering if we had started seeing each other prior to the divorce being finalized.  She wanted to know how many times I had met her daughter (Mr. Perfect and Crazy’s) daughter.  She asked how she acted with me. She asked how serious the relationship was with us.  I told her that I had thought it was really serious before I got the phone call and now I wasn’t sure what it was, because it was as if Mr. Perfect had just checked out.

She went on to tell me her experience with Shady (the ex-girlfriend).  Crazy had an affair with her boss almost 14 years ago that Mr. Perfect found out about.  I was aware of this fact.  She said she tried for years to make it better.  They went to counseling, she said she was an open book, she did everything she could to make it better, but he just never got over it.  Then she said he started seeing Shady about 5 years ago.  She said the last five years of her life with Mr. Perfect was hell.  She said because of her own affair it was like she never got out from under that and it was as if Mr. Perfect felt he had a free pass to do anything he wanted. She told me the stories of how she found out about Shady, how he would say he would end it and she would think things were ok and then Shady would be back in his life.

Crazy became aware that I was in the picture this past January.  Crazy and Shady met in January to discuss Mr. Perfect.  This is when Crazy and Shady first became aware, that there was someone else in the picture (me).  Shady had been Mr. Perfect’s OW for all those years.  Now that the divorce is final she thought she would land him and they would be free to be married like they had discussed, there was never an official engagement. Crazy had a lot more insight into what has been going on than I did.

Crazy also told me that all the way up until she moved out of the house the first week of December he was begging her not move and to work on the marriage.  For the record, I was aware that they were living in the same house when I started dating Mr. Perfect, but it is a big house with a big finished basement that he was staying in until the house sold.  Crazy said that they were sleeping in the same bed. I’m not sure if I believe this, because during that time I could call him at all hours of the night and he would answer.  I don’t believe you answer the phone when your ex-wife is lying right next to you.  Especially, an ex-wife that claims her husband is supposedly working to rekindle a relationship with you. And I don’t believe he was trying to get back together with her.

Crazy was very nice to me.  She said that I had done nothing wrong, I just got pulled into the middle of this crazy mess.  We ended the conversation with her saying she hoped it worked out for Mr. Perfect and I, because she knew I was a decent person and if Mr. Perfect had to have somebody in his life around her children she would hope that it would be someone like me.  She gave me her blessing.  However, she warned me that there is a long history with Shady and him and if he is shutting down like he is now that he is probably back with her.  She said he never really gets away from Shady.  It was obvious from our phone call that she has spent many years obssessed with Shady and Mr. Perfect.  And rightfully so. I think many of us can relate.  She told me she wanted time away from Mr. Perfect.  That she needed him to leave her alone and give her time to heal, which I agreed.  They fight non-stop.

I spoke with her for five hours and we did not get off the phone until 7:00am.  During that time I drank two bottles of wine.  I literally passed out in bed at the end of it. I woke up 12:30pm yesterday, hungover and exhausted still.  I spoke to Mr. Perfect as soon as I got up.  He hadn’t heard any of this. While I was on the phone with him he received an email from Crazy asking him to only communicate with her through email.  I told him that he needed to respect her wishes.  He said that he was hoping they could be friends for the sake of the children.  I told him with time and space he would probably be able to get to that point. He asked how I was feeling.  I told him I was overwhelmed.

So, after much thought and talking with Crazy I think this is what has happened.  I think he has had a five year affair with Shady.  I use the term affair loosely, because I know during a big chunk of that five years he had moved out of the house and the divorce had already been filed. However, I think him and Crazy went back and forth during that time. I think he thought at one point that he and Shady would be able to be together, but over the course of the five years things just got so messy. I don’t think he ever really finished his relationship with Shady, much like I hadn’t with W when Mr. Perfect and I met. He has been living with this love triangle mess for years, his wife’s affair 14 years ago, then the “affair” with Shady for years.  With me it was just easy, unmessy and just normal.  Now, things with us are messy too, because of this.  I think part of his attraction to me was having the easy, unmessy relationship without all the crazy, paranoid behaviors that comes from when you find out the person you love hasn’t quite been faithful.  We were just normal without all the drama.  We were just two people falling in love.  I don’t think he ever fully forgave his wife for the affair.  I don’t think Crazy ever fully forgave him for what he did with Shady.  I think he dealt with the drama between Shady and Crazy for years. I think Shady sees him as her meal ticket.  I think Crazy just wants a fresh start and is trying to navigate this whole new divorced, single life.

Part of me wants to talk to Shady again.  Our first conversation I said very little.  However, I think I need to just let it go.

Mr. Perfect and I talked for quite a bit yesterday and throughout the day.  He seemed overwhelmed, and I was definitely overwhelmed.  He mentioned that this is all we talk about.  Even I am sick of talking about it, but it seems that it is always just there under the surface. I have more answers, but I think I’m just as confused as I ever was.

Update on Mr. Perfect…

Yesterday marked two weeks since Mr. Perfect’s ex-girlfriend called me.  I won’t call her his fiance, because I know that isn’t true.  I have been an OW, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that wasn’t who I was in this situation.  However, I don’t think she was as much an “ex” as he made her out to be.  Some parts that I left out in my previous post…they have been on the same phone plan for over 3 years (that is how she got my phone number to call me) and he has her in an apartment. He doesn’t live with her, but he provides (he’s in a position to give her a free apartment without actually paying for it) the apartment for her and her daughter (the daughter has a chronic illness that costs a lot in medical expenses). By the way, I have had some people speculate that the daughter is his.  I don’t believe so, she is almost an adult herself and I don’t believe that to be true.

In the immediate aftermath, I didn’t want to talk to him much or see him.  He wanted to talk face to face.  He wanted to explain things.  I kept it to texting and phone conversations for four days. When I finally did see him, I wasn’t really open to making up just yet.  I still wanted answers and wanted to see some fight in him.  He just never put any fight in afterwards.

After that first initial night (the night she called me) he was all about making things right, etc. He was saying things like I will do whatever I need to do to make it better.  I will be an open book.  You can look at anything you want to.  I will make this right and prove to you that I am telling the truth. I will do whatever I have to do to make this work. etc… I told him that first night I just needed to some time to think.  I think I was still in shock and just didn’t want to make any rash decisions.

By the next day he was saying things like…I don’t blame you for hating me.  I don’t blame you for never wanting to talk to me again.  You deserve so much better.  I really screwed up.  I fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me and I deserve whatever I get. Which for the record, I never said I hated him, or I deserved better, or that I never wanted to talk to him again. Then he just stopped talking all together. Don’t get me wrong, we spent countless hours on the phone with me talking and him saying very, very little.  We talked (meaning he listened and I talked) about the things I needed to move forward. He said he would do them and then he never did.  All of sudden he wasn’t available. He pretty much stopped intiating contact and finding any excuse to cut the communication short or finding reasons he couldn’t get face to face, or talk to me, or text.  I wouldn’t accept the excuses, and he would pick the phone up anyways.  It was so frustrating and I just kept getting more angry and upset.

So exactly two weeks from the day she called me and turned my world upside down again…he dumped me.  He said he doesn’t think he is ready for a relationship.  He said that this was about him and not me.  He said he had too many loose ends he needed to take care of.  He was separated for a long time from his ex-wife, but they just finalized their divorce in September 2014. I didn’t start talking to him until the end of October 2014. However, even though the divorce is final (yes, I have seen the papers) many of their assests and financial things are still not settled.  The ex-wife, we’ll call her Crazy, and him don’t get along.  I know that this is true.  I have been friends with Crazy’s sister for 26 years and I know his ex-in-laws very well.  Even Crazy’s family don’t get along with Crazy.  They call her a bitch.  I know the other ex-in-laws well, but not Crazy.  Mr. Perfect and Crazy were married by the time I became friends with Crazy’s sister and just didn’t know them that well at the time.  But I know her own family doesn’t like her much.  BTW…my friend, his ex-sister-in-law, gave me her blessing about dating Mr. Perfect. My friend pretty much backs up everything he says about his Crazy. He has been really struggling with co-parenting and communicating with Crazy about many things.  Then he has this with the crazy ex girlfriend, we’ll call her Shady, because a lot of what she told me was shady.

So…that is what has happened in a nutshell.  I feel as if I have been in a hit and run.  One day we are talking about living together, splitting finances, raising children, bouncing grandbabies, and even talks of marriage and the next we are just in a downward spiral that I can’t stop.  I went from someone he couldn’t get enough time with, to someone he can’t even be around at all…overnight. I don’t think this is about Shady or Crazy.  He had all the time in the world before, and during the times we used to spend together we have been on the phone. To say I am confused, lost and so many other emotions is a complete understatement. I’m not the only one baffled.  All of my friends and family are just as confused.  They all witnessed first hand how much effort he put into our relationship and winning me over.  I haven’t told my girls yet, because in the few months we dated he got pretty close to my girls and our (his and mine) children became friends.

I feel lost and overwhelmed with sadness.  This was the first time I have been in a relationship where I felt so secure and safe.  He worked so hard to get me to that point.  He was everything you would want a guy to be.  He was affectionate, sensitive, strong, helpful, thoughtful, loving, kind, and all the nice adjectives I can think of.  He in a short amount of time became one of my best friends.

I really felt as though he and I were strong enough that we could get through this.  I could really use some advice.  Should I just let him be, or should I reach out and try.  I am too old to play games.  I have read and know what the books say about leaving them alone and going no contact. I will do that, but I don’t want to do it as a way of playing a game, hoping that he will come running back. I am just done with games.  I want to just move on, or move through this.  That is what I want.

My gut tells me this isn’t over.  My gut also knows that if he really wants out, there is nothing I can say or do to stop it. I love him. I really do. I fell in love. So, ladies and gentlemen…weigh in, please.  I would love to hear your stories and what you think.

Thanks for reading!