An update of sorts…

frayed rope

My last post was my 100th post.  I didn’t realize it when I posted it, rather wordpress reminded me after the fact.  I started this blog in January as sort of an outlet and in search of others who were experiencing what I was/am going through.  I always said that I was going to be as honest as possible with the experiences and feeling,  as I have had many women reach out to me looking for answers much like I was.

I have made some friends through my blog.  Two, that I have become really close with…I speak with one pretty often and think highly of her and it has been such a joy to watch her grow and tackle her problems, she has been such an insipiration.  Many of you have watched her progress too, she is an OW no longer, yay!!!! I think we can all celebrate that. With a few exceptions, I don’t think any of us want to be the OW, so I think we can all celebrate the fact she has worked so diligently and has moved forward in her life tackling other issues with the same grace.  The other friend is a long distance friend.  Many, many miles separate us, and we have only communicated with emails.  There have been thousands and thousands of words, feelings, emotions, actions and stories that have crossed the ocean in hopes of finding some relief, answers and comfort from one another.  She removed her blog many, many months ago, but our conversations continued.  Then there are my blogging friends.  The friends I communicate with here.  The support I get from reading your alls posts and comments, as well as answers when trying to contemplate a future with W have been so amazing.  I am grateful for that, so thank you.  I have also made some enemies…well, I haven’t went out and attacked anybody here.  In fact, I try very diligently to not ever be hurtful to another blogger.  We all suffer a hurt, and hurt is hurt…I try to understand that.  But nonetheless, when you wear the Scarlet A you will attract some fanfare for that, but I just ignore the hate and see the hurt and some I give no mind to at all.  For the most part it has been such a positive experience.

So, here is my update…

For the past couple of months (since middle of July) I have been really stepping back and trying to take inventory of what this affair is doing to me, W, my family and his family.  This was a really difficult period for me as I was stuck between wanting to let go, but being afraid of letting go.  I tried many times to find my words only to chicken out.  I am not sure what I was afraid of…a future without him, the pain I would feel in the aftermath, making the wrong decision.  I got my answer the end of August when he surprised me with an unexpected visit.

I was glad to see him and terrified at the same time.  You see there was this big “thing” between us.  I was filled with so much anger, hurt and resentment towards the situation, which I blame him for, though I know I have some accountability too, I didn’t want to sit with him and be cheerful, sexy and loving.  I wanted to have it out with him.  Instead, I found myself in the bathroom crying before going to bed with him, because I didn’t want to have sex with him and bond with him, yet I wasn’t sure how to get out of it without using the words I was so scared to say. In the end, I didn’t use my words that night.  I regretted it the next morning when he got up and left happy and I felt terrible.

I continued my dilema for a couple of more weeks, until things came to a head last week.  It was as if my words got so big I couldn’t hold them in anymore. I was choking on them. He decided we needed to talk in person.  So, he made the commute here and we sat without touching, without smiles, without affection…and I spoke from my heart.  The words finally made their way out.  I’m not sure what he was thinking…honestly, I did’t care in that moment.  It felt so good to get them out.  I told him how he had hurt me, disappointed me, made me feel weak and small.  It was a somber talk without yelling or accusations.  He asked what he could do to fix things.  He told me the reasons (which were the usual…money, obligations, kids, etc) for why he had been unable (he used unable, but it was really unwilling) to fulfill his promises to me.  I had heard them all before so this was nothing new.  He said he was afraid to get a divorce but equally afraid of losing me.  I told him he wasn’t treating his wife, children, me or himself right.  I told him he may physically be at home most nights, but emotionally and mentally he was somewhere else.  I told him he was living a life commited to nothing.  He can’t fully committed to his home life when his mind and part of his heart is elsewhere, and he couldn’t fully commit to me when he was married. He asked what he could do right now to help me feel better. I told him in all honesty…nothing.  It is a hurt I am going to have heal myself.  I told him that even if he got a divorce today, I am not sure there would be a future for us.

Let’s think about that…even if he committed to getting divorced right now what would that future look like?

These are things I shared with him…

  • I know what he is capable of, how could I ever trust him?
  • He is ambivalent about leaving, how could he ever really find the conviction and backbone required to get through a divorce?
  • Would he even be the same man that I fell in love with after the emotional toll of going through a divorce he was so scared to get?
  • He has had to lie to me so many times to maintain the affair, to keep me hanging on, how could I ever trust him?
  • There is so much hurt and anger on my end, it has changed my feelings towards him and us.  There would need to be a lot of work to recover that.  I sincerely doubt he has the type of commitment that would be required to get us through that and into a healthy place.

Do you seem a common theme here?  Distrust, insecurity and doubt these are things affairs leave behind in their wake.

He talked about us hanging in there while he sorts this out. I told him it would just be more of the same.  I have given him 19 months of my life waiting and I didn’t want to do that anymore, and besides the anger and resentment are just killing the relationship slowly anyways.

There was no physical affection between us during his time here.  I was not only emotionally guarded, but physically guarded as well. I knew that if I let him touch me, or  I touched him I would melt, because I love him and am in love with him, though that looks different now than it did even 6 months ago.

Normally, being around him is like hitting a reset button.  After a visit I usually feel more empty than I did before the visit.  This is because we bond and do things that bring us closer.  When he leaves it feels like a hollow empty place is left.  Over a period of time that hollow feeling begins to shrink and becomes smaller, then seeing him is like opening it back up.  This visit though was different.  Though seeing him leave was difficult, it was a different kind of empty and hurt.

He asked if he could come back the following week (this week) for a couple of days…and are you ready???  I told him that is confusing for me and didn’t think it was a good idea. Can you believe it?  It is the first time I have told him no to a visit. Friends, I even shocked myself.

I decided against the no contact rule for now.  That was so difficult to do back in February.  However, we haven’t had a lot of communication.  The communication feels easier as it is more like friends talking.  The tone of our messages have changed from ones that lovers would share to more of ones friends would share, and there are way fewer. If at some point I find communication to be difficult or detrimental I will reexamine that, but for now I don’t believe it is hurting my progress of letting him go.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I already have let go. The communication is just one last string in the rope that was our relationship that hasn’t frayed yet.  The picture I used above is very much how I see my relationship with W.  The rope once broken can never be made whole again, or be the same.  I suppose you could tie it back together, but it will still never be the same, and there would always be a hump/bump as a reminder of where the rope was severed. (I’ll write a full post on this at a later date).

When he left he said…I’m not going to make you any promises or tell you I am going to work on this, as I know my words mean nothing to you.  I am going to think on the things you said very seriously though.

That is where we are.  Since he was here and I found my words I have felt a lot of the heaviness I felt before lifted.  I was able to have a good weekend and for the first time in many months I felt true peace.  It was short lived as other areas of my life with my ex husband bit me in the butt again two days ago, but at least I know true peace without W as a lover is a possibility.

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There is blue in his eyes…

Yesterday, W and I were sitting outside and I noticed the blue ring around the iris of his eye.  He has big, brown eyes that melt me, but every now and then I catch a glimpse of this blue ring around his iris.  I tell him how I like the blue circle in his eyes…he laughs at me and thinks I am seeing things.  Today, he texts me that he looked in the mirror this morning and he saw the blue in his eyes that I was talking about.  Then follows up with a little message about how I notice things that nobody has ever noticed about him.

God, I love that man.  I love him with the depth and wonderment I love my children.  You remember how when your kids were babies you studied every square inch of their little bodies, kissed every inch, knew every laugh and cry, everything they did was so cute, you couldn’t stop looking at them.  That is the depth of love I feel for him.  I have never loved a man like I love him.  I didn’t even know it was possible to love a man with that much depth.  I could literally stare at him for hours and not get bored.  I love to look at him, to smell him, to feel the warmth of his touch, to listen to him laugh, to hold his hand.  I just enjoy him.

I know that every woman in my shoes feels the way that I do.  That their love is unique and special and I am no exception.  I toss around in my head the idea of moving on…Being the OW is so painful.  It is a path riddled with peaks and valleys, secrets, guilt, ecstasy, heartache, longing…it is a story of unrequitted love. Not unrequitted in that you know the joys of holding them, kissing them, feeling their body against yours…but you will never know what it is like to have their mother hug you, to have him announce to the world that he loves you, to stand next to him at public events or to wake daily with him knowing he isn’t going to another shortly.

He says I know him better than anyone, even himself.  Maybe I do, but to be fair I don’t know him outside of this affair.  I don’t see him in his day to day life.  I have never seen him with his children, or interact with his mom and dad, or hang out with a friend, or nursed him back to health when he was sick.  I may be the keeper of his secrets, but I don’t know him outside of the affair. I don’t know him the way his wife, family and friends know him.  He is a private person.  He guards his secrets and holds his emotions in check.  I know his biggest secret…me…but really that is all I know really.  I don’t share his history.

When he says I know him…He means I know everything he has allowed me to see.  I can trace his body with my fingers.  I know how he showers, I can trace his freckles and moles with my fingers. I know his body well and what he likes.  I know his sense of humor and what makes him laugh. I know the touches and words that set his body on fire.  I can look at a menu and know what he will order.  I know what emotion he is feeling by looking on his face.  I know what time my phone will ding with the first text message of the day.  I know that after approximately 2 weeks he will get the itch to see me.  I know the music he will like and a TV show he will find enjoyable.  I know how he will react when I am upset.  I know how he acts when he is upset. I know the first places his fingers will touch when he reaches out to hold me.  I know what his lips will feel like on mine, or what his breath will smell like.  I could draw him with my eyes closed.  I know what drinks he will order from a bar.  I know what he smells like after sex.  I know the breathing changes that occur and when he is close to climax.  I know him sexually inside and out.  I know the things to say to get him going.  What turns him on and what turns him off.  I can tell when he is sleepy.  I know the position he will wake up in.  And what the smoothness of his back will feel like as curl into him to sleep.  I know what his fingers feel like as he shampoos my hair.

I know him, but I don’t know him.  I will never measure up to the history he shares with his wife and family.

There is blue in his eyes…

 

 

Soul mate…

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Things are still going well with W and I.  Nothing really new to report, except I can’t wait until I see him again.  Hopefully sometime this week if all works out.  So much still going on in my life and his, but we are in this thing called life together.  I feel his presence even though miles separate us.  I am so grateful for that.  I am not taking anything about he and I for granted anymore, that is for sure.  I love him, and I have decided to be there with him through wherever life takes us.  He is my soul mate.  

It’s been a while…

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I haven’t posted here in a long time.  I have been keeping up with a few of my blogging friends over the last couple of weeks privately.

On the day of my last post, I got hit with some really hard stuff.  Without going into too much detail, I found myself overwhelmed with life…  I got hit with something huge and I hit bottom.  While I was trying so desperately to stay afloat in this thing called life.  I was like a boat at sea that was bailing water to stay afloat and I basically got blindsided by hurricane and I was in trouble of drowning.

I did what I had fought for weeks not to do, and the only thing I knew to do, and that is I reach out to W.  I needed him at that moment and only the comfort he could offer.  After downing what probably equated to three bottles of wine that day, I texted him what was going on.

He responded immediately, even though it was extremely late at night. We talked by text for two hours that night as I told him what was happening and he calmed me down and reassured me.  He said he was glad I had reached out to him.  We shared lots of thoughts about the the three weeks we didn’t speak. He had never really left me, though it had felt like it.

We have since talked every day and I have seen him since then.  He even stayed with me one night, and I am not a bit sorry either.  It was the best sleep I had gotten in weeks. It was the first time my world had felt right in a long time.

There has been a lot of communication, a lot of me wanting answers, as to where we go from here.

Before the break up there was a distance that crept in to our relationship over a course of a few months that I didn’t understand.  We have discussed that and I now know where the origin of that came from. I understand where things went wrong and why we are where we are. This may have been the best thing for us in the long term.

He is not completely to blame for where things broke down, though I did a lot of blaming.  I have owned my part in what happened, and so has he. Sometimes in relationships you have to step back and step in the other person’s shoes.  That is hard to do when you are dealing with your own pain, hurt, anger and frustration.  It is hard when you are living in a fog.  However, the fog is lifting and I see this as way more complicated than either he or I first saw it when we fell in love.

He and I have decided to work on things.  I don’t know how it will turn it out, but I do firmly believe that he was put in my life for a reason and I plan to see it through.  The odds that we even met each other were so slim to none, and the incredible love and connection we share is so rare, it is hard to imagine there isn’t some other reason for us than this.

As for my personal crisis, it is still ongoing.  It will be for a while.  Each day is a different adventure right now.  Some days are good and some days are bad, but no day is as bad as the three weeks he wasn’t in my life. I’ll take it.

I want to continue my blog for the women who reach out to me and are interested in other women’s stories who go through this.  I have it here raw and though edited for privacy for W and I, the feelings are real.  And I want our story to be recorded.

Today, W and I are good and on solid ground.  And I find that I am, dare I say happy for the most part. I am actually excited for the future and what it holds in store for me, and for W.  My boat is still rocked by the hurricane that hit me two weeks ago, but I know I have many friends and family members that will help me weather the storm, and have helped me weather the storm…many of which I met right here.  And I also have my first mate, W, right by my side too.  We got this.

Three weeks out from break up…

I am three weeks out today from ending things with W.  I have received a few emails from people wanting to know how I am and others who are wondering what the process will be like when/if they choose to end things, so here is my update. 

  • The heaviness is still in my heart everyday.  Some days it is better when I am really busy with just life, but it is a constant that never goes away. 
  • Most days now I am able to get through life, but I still have times when I feel like I am just surving and not living. 
  • He is still my first thought when I wake up.
  • I comfort myself as I am falling asleep, by remembering the times he would spoon me as I drifted off.  I allow my mind to take me there just so I can get some rest. 
  • I no longer look at my phone 1000s of times a day to see if he has contacted me.  I have come to accept that I will probably never hear from him again.  I am not even sure that if I made contact he would respond.  That fear is what keeps me from contacting him.  I don’t think I could handle that rejection.  
  • I have yet to go on my date.  Though this gentleman must be the most patient man ever, because I have backed out for some reason or another at the last minute 5 times now.  The desire just hasn’t been there. 
  • There are still triggers that will bring me to my knees.  I gave him so much of myself, that he is everywhere.  I haven’t been able to face those yet.  For example, this past weekend someone mentioned a restaurant that he and I had been to, and I had only ever been to with him.  I had to turn my eyes away to blink back the tears. I felt one escape and land on my cheek and I wondered to myself if I would ever be able to eat there or even hear it mentioned without instantly falling apart.  He and I were always the crazy in love people you would see with all the PDA sitting right next to each other, and people would often comment on happy and insanely happy and in love we were. 
  • I am depressed.  I am in mourning.  In a lot of ways this has been like grieving a death.  I shared a link on here a while back called Silence Kills Relationships and it is so true.  I can feel the silence between us killing our relationship, our connection and our bond.  Our relationship is in the process of dying, and that is hard to let it happen. 
  • I still love him with every atom in my being.  I still haven’t found other men attractive or even had any desire to be with another man.  He is the man I wanted to spend my life with.  Even when I was married I would find myself attracted to other men.  Then after I left my husband I had a few boyfriends, but I never really felt certain they were the one. With W, I just knew he was it.  He was the one.  All of my broken relationships had led me to him.  He was where I was supposed to be, and I was absolutely certain about that.  I had never felt a love like that before, either from someone or for someone.  Our love felt so huge, and I never, ever wanted to be in the arms of another man.  He was it.  I still feel that way. Right now it feels hopeless that I will find that again with another man, but I hope one day I do.  
  • I no longer fantasize that he will show up on my doorstep and tell me that this was all a big mistake and take me in his arms.  
  • I have stopped daydreaming about us being married and our future.  The hopes and promises I used to cling to have all fallen by the way side. 
  • I was just telling another blogging friend, that I have isolated myself in the last three weeks, except for a select group of people. I have just spent time with my kids and a few friends.  Facing the world right now with a fake smile seems hard to do.  I haven’t gone out much.  I don’t feel like socializing or being around people.  Like I said, I am depressed.  I haven’t figured out yet, how to get out of the house without the world taking one look at my face and seeing my pain.  And I don’t talk to anybody about him except for a couple of people. 
  • I have finally resigned and have accepted the depression.  I am no longer fighting it.  It feels like an old friend actually.  The hurt and the pain are the only things I have left of him.  In some sick, weird and twisted way I find some comfort in the grief, because it reminds me that he was real and my love for him was real.  Sometimes, I cry but not like before.  I am no longer spending hours with uncontrolable crying.  
  • I haven’t been angry in a while.  The anger has finally passed. 
  • I still miss him all the time.  Every day, all day.

In need of relief…

It has been a hard 3 days.  It has been like a war within myself since Monday when I woke up.  This has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life.  I need to regroup and rethink what I am doing.  If anyone has any advice…things that have worked or things that haven’t, I am open to suggestions.

How do you unlove someone?  How does one fall out of love?  How do you fill the void in your heart that is left?  How do you get over missing someone?  How do you find joy in things, when the one person you want to share them with is no longer there?  How do you make the hurt stop, when the one person who could bring the comfort you need is gone?

This sucks.

It just royally sucks.

He chose me…

He chose me to go through this grief.

He chose me to use.

He chose me to be crushed.

He chose to leave me with this to deal with alone

He chose me to abandon.

He chose me to disappoint.

He chose me to bear the hurt.

He chose to break my heart.

He chose me to bear the shame of being the other woman.

He chose me to hide in the shadows.

He chose me to keep his secrets.

He chose me to leave.

He chose me to reject.

He chose me to leave with the scars of him.

He chose me to cry for him.

He chose me to live in the shadows.

He chose me to silence.

He chose me to deal with the aftermath of our affair.

He chose me to move forward without him.

He chose me to wear the scarlet A.

He chose me to mourn him.

He chose me to shut out.

He chose me to tear to shreds.

He chose me to bear this cross.

He chose me…