Feelings stuffing…

The last couple of weeks of have been weeks of THOSE days.  You know the days I am talking about.  The days where you just go through the motions trying to minimize the hurt feelings and keep your smile.  I realized I have been stuffing my feelings down to the point I have no where left to stuff them.  I feel like a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

I have so much going on, the biggest of which is a custody battle over my children.

I have had my children on my own for over six years.  My ex saw them infrequently as he moved over 400 miles away from us. This last year my ex and I have lived in the same town and he has taken more of an interest in them. Back in the spring he filed for sole custody and requested child support from me.  He had been in my home the night before as I had just gotten back from chaperoning a weekend school trip with my oldest daughter.  He brought the younger one home and came in while I was telling him about things that happened during the school trip.  The next day a court officer delivered the papers.  It was like a kick in the teeth. For those of you following my story, the day I was served papers was the same day I ended the no contact with W.  It was just too much at one time.

Now, my ex is a man who has never paid child support to me, I never asked for it.  This isn’t about whether he thinks I am a good mother, in fact he has told me that he believes I am an excellent mother, a little over protective, but an excellent mother nonetheless.  I have two beautiful, well adjusted daughters who are doing well in school.  I am at every school function, know their teachers well, volunteer at their schools to the point that everyone knows me.  For the last ten years I have gotten them to and from school, packed lunches, did homework, chaperoned trips, worked school parties, did fundraisers…I am an active mother.  A month before the papers were filed I moved into a new place and he got scared I would come after him for child support.  So he decided to he didn’t want to pay (not that I had filed or even mentioned child support to him) so he filed for custody and child support.  Needless to say, things between he and I have been tense at best since that.  Before that we were amicable.  Very amicable.

Things with W are at a stalemate.  Nothing has changed there.  I am miserable with how the relationship is, and he isn’t.  So nothing changes.  He likes it this way.  He wants it this way.  So…no motivation=no change. I am so frustrated. Between feeling powerless with the custody case (unless you agree to hand over your kids and pay child support to an absent father I am forced to pay thousands of dollars to the legal system to keep my childre…no power in that) and feeling powerless to make changes in my relationship with W…I feel powerless.  I realize that I have two choices with W…either continue you on playing by his rules or end it.  The ending it scares me.  The what if questions…

Will I be strong enough to get through it?

What if I hold out just a bit longer?

What if I never feel the way I do in W’s arms in another man’s arms?

However, my self esteem, confidence, feelings or worthiness have all taken such a hit.  I almost don’t care anymore.  I just want the hurt to end.  I wonder if the hurt will be worse after than it is now.  There is no joy in being the OW for me.  The little bits of time I get with him are huge price to pay for the damage it does to my wellbeing.  I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know something has to change.  Somehow, some way I have to find a way to take control over my life again.  I know what I want…for myself, my children, my love life…this is not it.

 

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Falling in love…

I knew I was in love with W before I ever met him physically.  He had turned my world upside down and changed what I thought I knew about love.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship or to even find love when we met.  In fact, I met him on a dating site, because I was there catching my rat fiance at the time trolling the site. As I sat there crying, feeling heartbroken I saw W’s lovely face in “my matches” section.  

Let me back up…The now ex-fiance and I had met on this site some 3 years prior, and I was having trouble understanding why all of sudden he was having doubts about wanting to get married.  A friend of mine suggested that I check the site and see if he was back on it.  So, I  reactivated my account that had been dormant for 3 years and started searching and sure enough there was his site…with recent photos I had taken of him, photos of he and I,  he had cropped me out of course.  I knew the dates that these photos were taken so I knew this was something he had recently done, even though we weren’t broken up yet. I then created fake profiles on several sites and found him on three more.  A little backstory…during my time with the ex-fiance he was never faithful to me.  He was a serial cheater…I even at one point found a book at his place on how to be a player.  But he always came around and we even went to counseling together and things were finally good, or so I thought when he started talking about doubts. 

Which brings me back to W.  So after this fight I sat at the table in front of my computer trying to absorb what I was looking at.  In the midst of that, there was his beautiful face with his cheerful smile.  I clicked on his profile and I noticed it said single and looking for a long term relationship.  There were a couple of pictures of him and his dog.  But what really stuck out was his cheerful attitude.  His short bio ended with Life is so good.  I called a friend later and was talking to her about what had happened with the now ex-finace as of that date.  As I was talking to her I kept staring at this man’s profile.  I finally told her about W’s profile and I said something along the lines that I hadn’t been able to stop looking at it and there was something there that just pulled me to it.  She encouraged me to contact him, so with nervous fingers I reached out and said hello.  

He messaged back pretty quickly.  It was obvious from the very beginning he was different.  The way we communicated, the way he made me laugh, the way he made me smile.  The next day we exchanged phone numbers and the texting began, and  he asked if he could call the next day. The day we first spoke was Valentine’s day. Within a couple of days I was in love, I mean I had fallen hard for a man I had never even met physically.  I had no idea I could even connect with someone on the level I connected with him. He was my gift from God.  He was sent to show me that this is what love is supposed to feel like.  It was eye opening! I turned away from the ex-fiance and never looked back.  Though the ex did try to contact me many times after that.  After having a taste of what was between W and I, I had no desire to ever go back to the hell hole that was my relationship with the ex.  

I am still in love W, and I always will be.  I didn’t know he was married when we met.  It was never the relationship between he and I that was the problem, it was the relationship of him being married to another woman and me being his OW that caused so much conflict.  His inability to find courage and make the changes he needed to be happy and my inability to be in love with a man that left me to be by the side of another woman.  This was the real deal for me.  I was and am madly in love with him.  Everyday is a battle to stay away, but I also know that I cannot be that girl anymore.  It was tearing me apart slowly, it was tearing us apart.  I thought that he loved me the same way.  I am not so sure anymore.  I know for me, there was nothing that would have kept me from him, any barriers in my way I would have ripped them apart to be with him. The fear of not having him in my life was bigger than any other fear I could imagine. However, the barrier between us was not mine to rip apart, but his, and I was powerless to do anything about it. 

I left the future of our relationship in his hands.  The fact that he has chosen to let it go, rather than fight for it is one of the biggest disappointments I have experienced, and has left so many doubts as to his true feelings in regards to me. Regardless of his feelings, he was and will always be my W, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would have moved mountains to give our love a chance to flourish.  I would have done anything for him, but in the end I could do nothing but wait for him to fight for me and fight for us.  That didn’t happen, and so I mourn my lover, my friend, my soul mate, and love of my life.  I am left with nothing but our memories and the will to try to more forward in my life without him. But I miss him terribly everyday.  One day it will get better, it has to.     

Grief is hard work…

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I am not in the upward turn yet.  Not even close. Today, I missed him and it was so hard not to reach out to him.  I just wanted to talk to him.  I wanted to hear him say it would be ok.  I started going through scenerios in my head as to how I could work this out with him.  I started going back through the past several months and how we got here.  I started thinking about what I could have done different.  I started feeling like I was going crazy.

The truth is I have been mad, frustrated and resentful towards him for months.  He said to me sometime in January that at one time he could do no wrong and I thought he was wonderful, and now he couldn’t do anything right. I suppose there was some truth in that.  I was feeling so rejected and abandoned by him over the last three months.  I wasn’t feeling as appreciated, cared for or loved as I had before.  I noticed his lack of effort in the relationship and I didn’t know what to do with that.  I noticed that he was more happy being at home and away from me.  I should have been happy for him, but I was so sad for me.  I was lonely, angry, resentful, and frustrated.  I missed my friend during those times and it hurt me so much that he didn’t appreciate me.  I could feel him deataching, and I was confused.  I told him how I felt, but nothing changed.  Even as I write this I know how sad and pathetic I sound.

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I miss my friend W so much.  I just miss him.  I miss hearing from him.  I miss his presence in my life.  I just miss him.  I have no doubt that I will look back on this time in my life and he will be the great love of my life. When I told him he was the love of my life I meant it. Giving him up, letting him go and not fighting for him has been the hardest thing I have had to do.  Like I told him, it goes against everything in me. I wanted him to fight for us, fight for me. it seemed so easy for him to let go. He told me he would always be there.  He said he couldn’t live without me.  He promised he would never hurt me.  I believed him.  And now I just sit in my sadness with only the memories of he and I in better times. That’s all I have left of him.

Given our circumstances we won’t just ever bump into each other or see each other again.  But I can’t help but daydream about if that were to happen and what I would do.  I would just hug him, simply hug him with no words. This feels like the death of a loved one.  It has been so final. The loneliness and ache in my heart for him is heavy.  I am glad our last visit was a good one. A lot of our last texts I wasn’t so nice as my frustration and anger was bubbling over.  I wish I could take those back and change my words to ones of peace and calmness, but I cannot.

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I’m all over the place on these charts.  At times I am so angry, and at other times I melt into a heap of tears.  Then there are the moments where I have the reprieve of just feeling numb.  Then other times the weight of missing him becomes an internal battle as I want to reach out to him so bad, but have to fight the urge.  I want to tell him this has all been a mistake and let’s figure this out.  I want to appeal to the love he had for me, see if he is sad too.  But I don’t.  Then I am angry, because he hasn’t called me and said the things I want to hear.  I guess all this is normal according to the charts and stages of grief.

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to care and nurture a baby that had been abandoned.  I was having no such luck at keeping this poor baby alive.  I was distraught.  I don’t think you have to have a PhD to know what that dream was saying.

I haven’t told my family yet, just my closest friends and the people who read my blog.  I haven’t been able to tell them. I don’t know why.  Maybe if I say the words it makes it so real and so final.  I have been avoiding them.  They keep asking about him and when he is coming into town.  I just keep saying I don’t know.

I am not back to normal functioning.  I do get up and shower.  I do take care of my kids.  I have been working.  I have had no interest in doing anything fun, watching TV or listening to music.  In fact, I had to leave a store yesterday as there was a love song playing that reminded me of him.  I didn’t even get what I went for, because I was making a mess of myself.  The man I met Sunday night wants to take me out for dinner and wine.  He knows what I am going through, but still wants to.  I’m thinking about it, but getting dressed and faking a cheerful conversation seems something I can’t even think about right now.  My friends tell me it will take my mind off things and would be good for me.  He knows I am not looking for a hook up or a relationship.  He still wants to.  We shall see.  Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a little more peace than today.  Today was rough, but I did have some parts of it where I started to feel better. Baby steps.