There is blue in his eyes…

Yesterday, W and I were sitting outside and I noticed the blue ring around the iris of his eye.  He has big, brown eyes that melt me, but every now and then I catch a glimpse of this blue ring around his iris.  I tell him how I like the blue circle in his eyes…he laughs at me and thinks I am seeing things.  Today, he texts me that he looked in the mirror this morning and he saw the blue in his eyes that I was talking about.  Then follows up with a little message about how I notice things that nobody has ever noticed about him.

God, I love that man.  I love him with the depth and wonderment I love my children.  You remember how when your kids were babies you studied every square inch of their little bodies, kissed every inch, knew every laugh and cry, everything they did was so cute, you couldn’t stop looking at them.  That is the depth of love I feel for him.  I have never loved a man like I love him.  I didn’t even know it was possible to love a man with that much depth.  I could literally stare at him for hours and not get bored.  I love to look at him, to smell him, to feel the warmth of his touch, to listen to him laugh, to hold his hand.  I just enjoy him.

I know that every woman in my shoes feels the way that I do.  That their love is unique and special and I am no exception.  I toss around in my head the idea of moving on…Being the OW is so painful.  It is a path riddled with peaks and valleys, secrets, guilt, ecstasy, heartache, longing…it is a story of unrequitted love. Not unrequitted in that you know the joys of holding them, kissing them, feeling their body against yours…but you will never know what it is like to have their mother hug you, to have him announce to the world that he loves you, to stand next to him at public events or to wake daily with him knowing he isn’t going to another shortly.

He says I know him better than anyone, even himself.  Maybe I do, but to be fair I don’t know him outside of this affair.  I don’t see him in his day to day life.  I have never seen him with his children, or interact with his mom and dad, or hang out with a friend, or nursed him back to health when he was sick.  I may be the keeper of his secrets, but I don’t know him outside of the affair. I don’t know him the way his wife, family and friends know him.  He is a private person.  He guards his secrets and holds his emotions in check.  I know his biggest secret…me…but really that is all I know really.  I don’t share his history.

When he says I know him…He means I know everything he has allowed me to see.  I can trace his body with my fingers.  I know how he showers, I can trace his freckles and moles with my fingers. I know his body well and what he likes.  I know his sense of humor and what makes him laugh. I know the touches and words that set his body on fire.  I can look at a menu and know what he will order.  I know what emotion he is feeling by looking on his face.  I know what time my phone will ding with the first text message of the day.  I know that after approximately 2 weeks he will get the itch to see me.  I know the music he will like and a TV show he will find enjoyable.  I know how he will react when I am upset.  I know how he acts when he is upset. I know the first places his fingers will touch when he reaches out to hold me.  I know what his lips will feel like on mine, or what his breath will smell like.  I could draw him with my eyes closed.  I know what drinks he will order from a bar.  I know what he smells like after sex.  I know the breathing changes that occur and when he is close to climax.  I know him sexually inside and out.  I know the things to say to get him going.  What turns him on and what turns him off.  I can tell when he is sleepy.  I know the position he will wake up in.  And what the smoothness of his back will feel like as curl into him to sleep.  I know what his fingers feel like as he shampoos my hair.

I know him, but I don’t know him.  I will never measure up to the history he shares with his wife and family.

There is blue in his eyes…

 

 

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Feelings stuffing…

The last couple of weeks of have been weeks of THOSE days.  You know the days I am talking about.  The days where you just go through the motions trying to minimize the hurt feelings and keep your smile.  I realized I have been stuffing my feelings down to the point I have no where left to stuff them.  I feel like a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

I have so much going on, the biggest of which is a custody battle over my children.

I have had my children on my own for over six years.  My ex saw them infrequently as he moved over 400 miles away from us. This last year my ex and I have lived in the same town and he has taken more of an interest in them. Back in the spring he filed for sole custody and requested child support from me.  He had been in my home the night before as I had just gotten back from chaperoning a weekend school trip with my oldest daughter.  He brought the younger one home and came in while I was telling him about things that happened during the school trip.  The next day a court officer delivered the papers.  It was like a kick in the teeth. For those of you following my story, the day I was served papers was the same day I ended the no contact with W.  It was just too much at one time.

Now, my ex is a man who has never paid child support to me, I never asked for it.  This isn’t about whether he thinks I am a good mother, in fact he has told me that he believes I am an excellent mother, a little over protective, but an excellent mother nonetheless.  I have two beautiful, well adjusted daughters who are doing well in school.  I am at every school function, know their teachers well, volunteer at their schools to the point that everyone knows me.  For the last ten years I have gotten them to and from school, packed lunches, did homework, chaperoned trips, worked school parties, did fundraisers…I am an active mother.  A month before the papers were filed I moved into a new place and he got scared I would come after him for child support.  So he decided to he didn’t want to pay (not that I had filed or even mentioned child support to him) so he filed for custody and child support.  Needless to say, things between he and I have been tense at best since that.  Before that we were amicable.  Very amicable.

Things with W are at a stalemate.  Nothing has changed there.  I am miserable with how the relationship is, and he isn’t.  So nothing changes.  He likes it this way.  He wants it this way.  So…no motivation=no change. I am so frustrated. Between feeling powerless with the custody case (unless you agree to hand over your kids and pay child support to an absent father I am forced to pay thousands of dollars to the legal system to keep my childre…no power in that) and feeling powerless to make changes in my relationship with W…I feel powerless.  I realize that I have two choices with W…either continue you on playing by his rules or end it.  The ending it scares me.  The what if questions…

Will I be strong enough to get through it?

What if I hold out just a bit longer?

What if I never feel the way I do in W’s arms in another man’s arms?

However, my self esteem, confidence, feelings or worthiness have all taken such a hit.  I almost don’t care anymore.  I just want the hurt to end.  I wonder if the hurt will be worse after than it is now.  There is no joy in being the OW for me.  The little bits of time I get with him are huge price to pay for the damage it does to my wellbeing.  I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know something has to change.  Somehow, some way I have to find a way to take control over my life again.  I know what I want…for myself, my children, my love life…this is not it.

 

I’m keeping my blog positive…

Just so everyone knows…I am keeping my blog positive.  I have my blog set to only approved comments…some i have blacklisted…yes, that’s you Nephila…I love to see you show up in my spam box, just so I can delete you before I read any of your words.  BTW, I love how some of them are so long with the energy you spent writing to me…as I don’t read… I love hitting the delete button…so keep on! It gives me great joy that you spend that kind of time to send me a message as I say “be gone with you.”  Truly it is a great honor and highlight of my day! So, please keep the comments coming, makes my day! I could use the positive energy! 

To the rest of my readers…thank you for the great comments.  In just a short 5 months I have hit over 8000 views…which tells me I need to keep writing! Thank you for reading! And in case you are unaware, I am not anti-BS…I am anti-stupidity and judegement.  I welcome feedback as long as it is tactful, respectful, or positive.   I will not allow someone to beat up someone else who is commenting on my blog, which is why I approve all comments, and also why I don’t respond to negative comments.  This is a safe place for people to share their feelings in a world that isn’t always “safe” to do so.  

I think as OW, BS, and cheating spouses alike we are all trying to understand how we ended up here. None of us are each other’s enemy, we are all trying to decipher what is going on. When people are hurt…emotions fly…rightfully so.  But in the end we all just want answers and that is what blogging is about.  Answers! An exchange of emotion that we should be able to get out…Comments should be positive, or at the minimum thought provoking. So, there it is…

Thank you to all who read! You all make my day! 

C

The Recovery of Words…

From a fellow blogging friend…a response she wrote me that I feel so many people, women, need to hear.  There is so much truth in what she writes.  She has a beautiful blog as well….The Recovery of Words….

 

I’m so sorry about all of this. I feel it deeply in my heart. It seems you and I have suffered similar experiences. My ex also tried to take my children away years ago (post-decree) in an attempt to reduce or completely nullify his child support obligations. While I won, and retained sole custody, it was some of roughest, most frightening moments of my life. That was when everything changed for me, and I no longer tolerated toxic or greedy people in my life. I cut useless relationships left and right and focused on my children and what I wanted.
I wouldn’t give someone else the power of ending a chapter in my life. I would grab proactive reins and begin creating my own life, People will either be on board or not, but I wouldn’t wait one minute longer for someone else (like W) to make major decisions for my life or keep me in suspended animation. You DESERVE to have a man in your life that will show up every day for you and your children; not be an emotional drain where you’re the one constantly giving. And your children deserve to have that too. To see their mother being loved and cared for by a responsible, giving man who would climb the ends of the earth for you. You’re selling yourself short, and the gift that you are, by settling for someone who makes you wait endlessly for him. A man that truly loves you would make the leap for you. It’s time you start seeing your value and pushing away people that don’t enhance who you are – those people that don’t contribute to your well-being. It’s time to get beautifully, downright angry and demand a better life. You are clearly a strong, caring, loving woman who will be an amazing gift for a well-deserving man down the road. Never sell yourself short and what you have to offer. Teach your children well by example about their value also.
Grab the reins of your own life, girl. Never place them in the hands of someone who is uncaring, reckless, and selfish or puts you on hold. You will feel so empowered when you take responsibility and become the creator by keeping that energy for yourself to drive your life instead of giving it away. Continue to trust people, because that’s the only way you’ll remain open. Just get better adept at knowing when to leave and let go. Life is nothing but a series of tiny deaths. Little losses along the way. And you can’t grab another thing when both your hands are full, so let go of something useless to let something or someone with purpose come into your hand. Release the attachment, because before W there was someone else you loved. And after W there will be another. No question, if you stay open and take hold of the reins. Become an expert in loss. This is where you’ll find your freedom. xo

 

Thank you so much for your kind, beautiful and truthful words… Thank you! I needed to hear this!

Where has the time gone???

Has it really been almost 3 weeks since my last blog update?

I get on here everyday and read what you all are doing, but I haven’t actually posted what is going on with me and W.  So, here it goes.

We are doing well.  A couple of weeks ago he came to visit me and we spent a weekend together enjoying each others company.  We went to some family parties for a little bit one afternoon, and he met some more of my family he hadn’t met before.  We again discussed us getting married and what it will be like when he actually decides to get divorced and what he is facing financially, emotionally and physically.  He is quite aware of what that will entail, or at least he is aware as he can be without actually having gone through it.  He is still scared, still wants everyone to be ok, still feels somewhat stuck.  I understand, I have been where he is.  I know the difficulty of what he is facing.  We discussed him seeking counseling to help him deal with some of those emotions and to get advice on the best way to help everyone get through this and recover.  He still maintains that he wants to leave his marriage and he doesn’t want to be married to his wife, but he is very unsure how to go about getting out without hurting his children or her.  This is a very real concern for him, and for me if I am honest.

I am not concerned about him not leaving.  I believe that he will, when it is right, but I am concerned about him, his wife and his children.  I too want what is best for everybody, and want them all to come through this with as little pain as possible.  Should I feel guilty?  Some people might think I should, but when I met W he was looking for something.  His life was not happy at home.  He was on the internet looking for something that was not being met at home.  He was searching for a way to make himself happy and to put a band aid on the loneliness he felt.  Maybe the way he went about that is wrong, but he didn’t want to hurt his family, he wanted to feel better.  Some people call that selfish, I call it self preservation, and he was trying to preserve his family.  However, if someone is that unhappy at home and they feel like they need something on the side in order to feel better, and they don’t feel their marriage is fixable…it is probably best that they leave the marriage.  Best for everyone involved.  I don’t believe someone should stay married for the sake of staying married when they are miserable and have been for years.

So, I am trying to be the best friend I can to him.  I am trying to sit back and let him weigh his options and figure out what he needs to do for himself and for his family.  So, he and I continue to move closer to each other, and he is still mulling over the different scenerios in his head.  However, I know that we will be ok, he will be ok, and his family will be ok, but it will take time to get there.

Laughing…

I just wanted to say it feels good to be laughing with W again.  We hadn’t really done that together in very long while.  

One of the many things that made us, well us…is our ability to make jokes with each other and laugh together.  We are joking, playful, and laughing again. We are truly happy, upbeat people who have a zest for life and we share a love of funny movie quotes, sarcasm and making fun of our silly selves. That feels so good to be able to laugh with him. it feels good to be speaking in our twin language.  It feels good to have let go of the hurt, resentment, and anger.  It feels good to be able to just talk without talking about our problems.  It just feels good.  

I feel the girl I was before November peeking her head back out.  That girl is a lot of fun and a whole lot of happy! It feels so good to see her again letting the sun shine on her face.  

I look forward to sharing the next chapter of W and I with you, my follow bloggers and readers, as we have clearly turned to the next chapter. 

My friend told me today I write with a raw emotion in my blog.  My God, I went back today and looked at it…Who is that person?  I didn’t even recognize her, but when I went back and read it my words were only a portion of the darkness and sadness I felt. 

I hope the happy girl I really typically am, comes across just as well as the girl who wrote the last 80 posts.  

So, as I turn the chapter with W, I am also turning the chapter in my blog, and I will be writing about the positive aspects as I move forward.  They say whatever you focus on is what you end up with.  Well, Negative Nelly has left this blog for now, stay tuned! 

It’s been a while…

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I haven’t posted here in a long time.  I have been keeping up with a few of my blogging friends over the last couple of weeks privately.

On the day of my last post, I got hit with some really hard stuff.  Without going into too much detail, I found myself overwhelmed with life…  I got hit with something huge and I hit bottom.  While I was trying so desperately to stay afloat in this thing called life.  I was like a boat at sea that was bailing water to stay afloat and I basically got blindsided by hurricane and I was in trouble of drowning.

I did what I had fought for weeks not to do, and the only thing I knew to do, and that is I reach out to W.  I needed him at that moment and only the comfort he could offer.  After downing what probably equated to three bottles of wine that day, I texted him what was going on.

He responded immediately, even though it was extremely late at night. We talked by text for two hours that night as I told him what was happening and he calmed me down and reassured me.  He said he was glad I had reached out to him.  We shared lots of thoughts about the the three weeks we didn’t speak. He had never really left me, though it had felt like it.

We have since talked every day and I have seen him since then.  He even stayed with me one night, and I am not a bit sorry either.  It was the best sleep I had gotten in weeks. It was the first time my world had felt right in a long time.

There has been a lot of communication, a lot of me wanting answers, as to where we go from here.

Before the break up there was a distance that crept in to our relationship over a course of a few months that I didn’t understand.  We have discussed that and I now know where the origin of that came from. I understand where things went wrong and why we are where we are. This may have been the best thing for us in the long term.

He is not completely to blame for where things broke down, though I did a lot of blaming.  I have owned my part in what happened, and so has he. Sometimes in relationships you have to step back and step in the other person’s shoes.  That is hard to do when you are dealing with your own pain, hurt, anger and frustration.  It is hard when you are living in a fog.  However, the fog is lifting and I see this as way more complicated than either he or I first saw it when we fell in love.

He and I have decided to work on things.  I don’t know how it will turn it out, but I do firmly believe that he was put in my life for a reason and I plan to see it through.  The odds that we even met each other were so slim to none, and the incredible love and connection we share is so rare, it is hard to imagine there isn’t some other reason for us than this.

As for my personal crisis, it is still ongoing.  It will be for a while.  Each day is a different adventure right now.  Some days are good and some days are bad, but no day is as bad as the three weeks he wasn’t in my life. I’ll take it.

I want to continue my blog for the women who reach out to me and are interested in other women’s stories who go through this.  I have it here raw and though edited for privacy for W and I, the feelings are real.  And I want our story to be recorded.

Today, W and I are good and on solid ground.  And I find that I am, dare I say happy for the most part. I am actually excited for the future and what it holds in store for me, and for W.  My boat is still rocked by the hurricane that hit me two weeks ago, but I know I have many friends and family members that will help me weather the storm, and have helped me weather the storm…many of which I met right here.  And I also have my first mate, W, right by my side too.  We got this.