Well, it has been more than 24 hours since Mr. Perfect called me…
Not a peep has been heard. I haven’t contacted him either.
Why is no contact so hard?
Why is it that when you love somebody you would rather fight than not hear anything?
Why is it that sitting on the phone with that person in silence is better than sitting in silence without having that peson on the phone?
Why do we need to feel the attachment even when that attachment isn’t good?
i have kept myself busy today. I have visited with family and friends. I have made myself get out of my home. This is a first since all this has happened. I have literally only left the house for necessities…like going to work and running kids. The rest of the time I have spent either trying to talk some sense into Mr. Perfect, or figure out what the hell happened, or trying to find a way to quit shaking.
So today I had a mental break (not a break down, but I took some mental time off from the never ending loop that runs in my head) and I got out of my place. I have started to open up about what has happened. I have started to accept so many things. However, I still find myself looking at my phone over and over again hoping beyond hope that his name will come across it. Why? Why do I need to see that to have validation that I am a good person? Or that I am worthy? Or that I am lovable? Or that I am not expendible? I’m beginning to think this is more about me than him.
I have had a series of failed relationships. The only common demoninator is me. Obviously, I am doing something wrong. Not that I am bad, but I am choosing the wrong men.
During all of this with Mr. Perfect…I never yelled. I never got in a fight. We came close one night, but I backed off. I never got angry. BTW…I am kind of known to be too nice.
Is being too nice a bad thing? Doesn’t the world need more forgiving, loving and accepting people? On Day 2 after D-day Mr. Perfect called one of my best friends…who is male… and told him to take care of me. Let’s give my best guy friend in the world a name…Mr. Dependable, because that is what he is to me. So Mr. Dependable tells Mr. Perfect to not give up. He tells him that I was the happiest he had ever seen me in a relationship and told him to fight…actually he told Mr. Perfect to kiss my ass and do whatever he needed to to make this right, but he really meant fight. Mr. Dependable went on to tell him he had seen me through the years to hang in with worse and if he did the right things right now, all hope wasn’t lost.
This has all got me thinking…am I too accomodating? A few weeks ago, Mr. Perfect told me he wanted me to need him. I stopped him cold. I don’t need any man. It took me years to get out of a marriage where I was dependent on a man. l will never be in that situation again. Well, after I relayed that conversation to Mr. Dependable he told me…
Well, let me tell you how that conversation went…
Mr. Dependable: You told him you don’t need him? And that you will never need a man?
Me: Yes, you know what it took for me to get to the point that I can stand on my own feet.
Mr. Dependable: What? Repeat after me. Never, ever, ever, tell a man you don’t need them. You don’t have to say you need them. You don’t even have to need them, but you never, ever tell a man you don’t need them. I’m serious. Repeat it.
Me: Why? How is it healthy to NEED somebody. Isn’t that co-dependency?
Mr. Dependable: Men like to think they are needed. Just never say that again. Lock that away in your mind.
I always love getting a guy’s perspective. They think in guy logic. They explain guy psyche more than I can. I love my Mr. Dependable. FYI, he is the first person I called after Shady called and he talked to me to the entire 100 minutes while I waited for Mr. Perfect to call me. He’s pretty awesome.
So here I am beginning day two of no contact…and I’m feeling stronger, but more vulnerable. It is pulling off old scabs and opening old wounds.
It just sucks! Plain and simple. It sucks. You keep waiting for the phone to ring, or a knock at the door. You want the ending you see in the Chick Flicks…where the guy figures out he can’t live without you and he chases you down the freeway with so much passion and vigor that it stops traffic and he jumps out and declares his undying love. Sigh. This is why I don’t watch chick flicks, because it sets us up for failure with unrealistic expectations. However, the movies do great in the box office, because we all want this and hope. Hope.
Is hope why no contact is so hard? Or is it because we feel the loss of love and attachment?
All I know is going no contact is very difficult when all you want is to have more contact. It is so difficult when all you want them to do is miss you, and and come running.
So, my question remains…is no contact hard because we need validation?
I don’t know the answer, but I know this sucks. I’m not liking it at all, but I’m doing it!