Wow…so much has changed…

It has been a while since I have posted.  Life has just been hectic. I got a new job, I am wrapping up my custody trial.  I haven’t seen W in a very long while.  I ended things and started seeing a new guy.  This new guy was pretty perfect in all the ways.  I met him at Church in late October, and shortly after we started dating.  He seemed to be an answer to every prayer I ever had.  He was good to me, good to my girls.  My family and friends loved him. My girls loved him.  I loved him.

Then last Tuesday… I had my D-Day…A woman called me claiming to be my new boyfriend’s fiance. It came out of no where. I mean out of no where.  I felt the floor collapse.  This isn’t the first time I have been called by a woman to tell me she was messing with the man I was commited to, but in the past I had suspected something.  I suspected nothing with my new guy…We’ll call him Mr. Perfect, because that is what I thought he was for a long time. So, there I am stunned, feeling the air sucked out of me, as I was listening to this woman cry and carry on on the other end of the line.  What she was saying didn’t make sense.  You see, I had been introduced and taken to Mr. Perfect’s parents house several times. I see him at church. I have met his teenage daughter several times.  His family and friends know me as his girlfriend, and now there is this woman on the other end telling me she is engaged to Mr. Perfect and they have been together for six years!

The aftermath of that phone call is pretty much a blur.  I texted Mr. Perfect and told him I was on the phone with his fiance.  He texted back…fiance? To which I replied yes, and gave him her name. He said he would call in a minute and that it wasn’t what I was thinking.  She was on the way to his house (she had told me that while I was on the phone with her).  I knew his daughter was home so I gave him a heads up that she was on her way to house, because his daughter doesn’t need to be caught in the middle of this.  What followed next was 100 minutes of waiting to hear from him.  Those were the longest minutes of silence from him.  When he finally called he said she was an ex-girlfriend of his and that they had never been engaged.  He explained her away as a person who is crazy in the 270 minutes we talked after that.  Don’t they all descibe us that way when they get caught?

However, the biggest things that stuck out in my head…men who are married or engaged…

…Don’t take the OW around their parents and children and introduce them publicly as their girlfriend.

…Don’t go out to eat in public restaurants in the small town where they live with their OW.

…Don’t pick up the phone every time the OW calls no matter the time of day.

…Don’t introduce their OW to their co-workers as their girlfriend.

…Don’t take them to their house with their children home to have family dinners.

I still haven’t figured out what is going on, but I don’t necessarily believe her story either.  There is more to the story, that is just too much to write and go into.

This has all gotten me thinking.  In the 8 years since I split from my ex-husband and in the dating I have done, not one of the guys I got serious with was the relationship just us.  All of them, All 8 of them, there has been someone else in the picture.  Either I was knowingly/unknowingly the OW, or there was another woman in the picture in which I was the betrayed partner.  All of them have been love triangles even if I didn’t know it.  The question:  Does dating after 30 automatically mean you will always have a third party in the relationship?  Do people ever really break away from ex with whom they were once serious about?  Once attached to a partner are you always attached to that partner in someway?

I am doing OK.  Believe it or not, this has happened to me so many times.  There have been so many D-days for me.  D-days in which I discovering my partner has another woman in his life, that I have developed coping skills.  I have learned how to muddle through it.  I have learned how to put my big girl panties on.  I did think this one was different.  I did think that meeting a guy at church and knowing the family and friends would protect me somewhat from that, but even still it happens.  If you can’t meet a guy in church, then where can you meet a guy?

And here is the thing…I’m not mad at this lady who called me.  I don’t think I was the OW in this case, I do believe she is an ex, who doesn’t want to let go.  However, I am not hurt by her and I don’t think bad things about her. Do I want to be her friend? No. Do I want to talk to her again? No. Do I wish her well? I do. Did she throw my new relationship with Mr. Perfect in a tailspin? Yes.

I haven’t seen him since D-day.  Not because he hasn’t wanted to, but because I haven’t let him come over.  For now I am taking the time to sort out my feelings and emotions.  It took a lot for me to pull myself out of the love triangle with W I don’t want to put myself in the middle of another love triangle.  No matter what his relationship with this woman was/is it sounds as if he still has some unfinished business.

Thus is the life of dating post-divorce and after 30.  But, damn I sure thought this one was different….

2014 in review

Wow has it been a year already!!!

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 16,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Where, oh where, has everyone gone???

This is going to sound a little hypocritical, ok a lot hypocritical…Where have all my blogging friends gone?  I am not posting as much, because honestly there isn’t anything new to post about or I haven’t felt motivated enough write, but I still check my reader to keep up with everybody.  I miss you guys! I want updates.  🙂 Hope everyone is having a great Monday!

An update of sorts…

frayed rope

My last post was my 100th post.  I didn’t realize it when I posted it, rather wordpress reminded me after the fact.  I started this blog in January as sort of an outlet and in search of others who were experiencing what I was/am going through.  I always said that I was going to be as honest as possible with the experiences and feeling,  as I have had many women reach out to me looking for answers much like I was.

I have made some friends through my blog.  Two, that I have become really close with…I speak with one pretty often and think highly of her and it has been such a joy to watch her grow and tackle her problems, she has been such an insipiration.  Many of you have watched her progress too, she is an OW no longer, yay!!!! I think we can all celebrate that. With a few exceptions, I don’t think any of us want to be the OW, so I think we can all celebrate the fact she has worked so diligently and has moved forward in her life tackling other issues with the same grace.  The other friend is a long distance friend.  Many, many miles separate us, and we have only communicated with emails.  There have been thousands and thousands of words, feelings, emotions, actions and stories that have crossed the ocean in hopes of finding some relief, answers and comfort from one another.  She removed her blog many, many months ago, but our conversations continued.  Then there are my blogging friends.  The friends I communicate with here.  The support I get from reading your alls posts and comments, as well as answers when trying to contemplate a future with W have been so amazing.  I am grateful for that, so thank you.  I have also made some enemies…well, I haven’t went out and attacked anybody here.  In fact, I try very diligently to not ever be hurtful to another blogger.  We all suffer a hurt, and hurt is hurt…I try to understand that.  But nonetheless, when you wear the Scarlet A you will attract some fanfare for that, but I just ignore the hate and see the hurt and some I give no mind to at all.  For the most part it has been such a positive experience.

So, here is my update…

For the past couple of months (since middle of July) I have been really stepping back and trying to take inventory of what this affair is doing to me, W, my family and his family.  This was a really difficult period for me as I was stuck between wanting to let go, but being afraid of letting go.  I tried many times to find my words only to chicken out.  I am not sure what I was afraid of…a future without him, the pain I would feel in the aftermath, making the wrong decision.  I got my answer the end of August when he surprised me with an unexpected visit.

I was glad to see him and terrified at the same time.  You see there was this big “thing” between us.  I was filled with so much anger, hurt and resentment towards the situation, which I blame him for, though I know I have some accountability too, I didn’t want to sit with him and be cheerful, sexy and loving.  I wanted to have it out with him.  Instead, I found myself in the bathroom crying before going to bed with him, because I didn’t want to have sex with him and bond with him, yet I wasn’t sure how to get out of it without using the words I was so scared to say. In the end, I didn’t use my words that night.  I regretted it the next morning when he got up and left happy and I felt terrible.

I continued my dilema for a couple of more weeks, until things came to a head last week.  It was as if my words got so big I couldn’t hold them in anymore. I was choking on them. He decided we needed to talk in person.  So, he made the commute here and we sat without touching, without smiles, without affection…and I spoke from my heart.  The words finally made their way out.  I’m not sure what he was thinking…honestly, I did’t care in that moment.  It felt so good to get them out.  I told him how he had hurt me, disappointed me, made me feel weak and small.  It was a somber talk without yelling or accusations.  He asked what he could do to fix things.  He told me the reasons (which were the usual…money, obligations, kids, etc) for why he had been unable (he used unable, but it was really unwilling) to fulfill his promises to me.  I had heard them all before so this was nothing new.  He said he was afraid to get a divorce but equally afraid of losing me.  I told him he wasn’t treating his wife, children, me or himself right.  I told him he may physically be at home most nights, but emotionally and mentally he was somewhere else.  I told him he was living a life commited to nothing.  He can’t fully committed to his home life when his mind and part of his heart is elsewhere, and he couldn’t fully commit to me when he was married. He asked what he could do right now to help me feel better. I told him in all honesty…nothing.  It is a hurt I am going to have heal myself.  I told him that even if he got a divorce today, I am not sure there would be a future for us.

Let’s think about that…even if he committed to getting divorced right now what would that future look like?

These are things I shared with him…

  • I know what he is capable of, how could I ever trust him?
  • He is ambivalent about leaving, how could he ever really find the conviction and backbone required to get through a divorce?
  • Would he even be the same man that I fell in love with after the emotional toll of going through a divorce he was so scared to get?
  • He has had to lie to me so many times to maintain the affair, to keep me hanging on, how could I ever trust him?
  • There is so much hurt and anger on my end, it has changed my feelings towards him and us.  There would need to be a lot of work to recover that.  I sincerely doubt he has the type of commitment that would be required to get us through that and into a healthy place.

Do you seem a common theme here?  Distrust, insecurity and doubt these are things affairs leave behind in their wake.

He talked about us hanging in there while he sorts this out. I told him it would just be more of the same.  I have given him 19 months of my life waiting and I didn’t want to do that anymore, and besides the anger and resentment are just killing the relationship slowly anyways.

There was no physical affection between us during his time here.  I was not only emotionally guarded, but physically guarded as well. I knew that if I let him touch me, or  I touched him I would melt, because I love him and am in love with him, though that looks different now than it did even 6 months ago.

Normally, being around him is like hitting a reset button.  After a visit I usually feel more empty than I did before the visit.  This is because we bond and do things that bring us closer.  When he leaves it feels like a hollow empty place is left.  Over a period of time that hollow feeling begins to shrink and becomes smaller, then seeing him is like opening it back up.  This visit though was different.  Though seeing him leave was difficult, it was a different kind of empty and hurt.

He asked if he could come back the following week (this week) for a couple of days…and are you ready???  I told him that is confusing for me and didn’t think it was a good idea. Can you believe it?  It is the first time I have told him no to a visit. Friends, I even shocked myself.

I decided against the no contact rule for now.  That was so difficult to do back in February.  However, we haven’t had a lot of communication.  The communication feels easier as it is more like friends talking.  The tone of our messages have changed from ones that lovers would share to more of ones friends would share, and there are way fewer. If at some point I find communication to be difficult or detrimental I will reexamine that, but for now I don’t believe it is hurting my progress of letting him go.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I already have let go. The communication is just one last string in the rope that was our relationship that hasn’t frayed yet.  The picture I used above is very much how I see my relationship with W.  The rope once broken can never be made whole again, or be the same.  I suppose you could tie it back together, but it will still never be the same, and there would always be a hump/bump as a reminder of where the rope was severed. (I’ll write a full post on this at a later date).

When he left he said…I’m not going to make you any promises or tell you I am going to work on this, as I know my words mean nothing to you.  I am going to think on the things you said very seriously though.

That is where we are.  Since he was here and I found my words I have felt a lot of the heaviness I felt before lifted.  I was able to have a good weekend and for the first time in many months I felt true peace.  It was short lived as other areas of my life with my ex husband bit me in the butt again two days ago, but at least I know true peace without W as a lover is a possibility.