I was in a hit and run…with Mr. Perfect..

Thank you all for all of your comments over the last few days.  They have really helped. I think I can officially say I was involved in an emotional hit and run.  After several months of Mr. Perfect doing whatever he could do to get me to bond and connect with him emotionally he has officially he just disappeared.  I don’t know why. I really don’t have the answers.  All I know is I had what appeared to be the perfect relationship and then I get a call from an ex-girlfriend and then just like that he was gone.  I feel not only did I get hit by a bus when the ex-girlfriend called, but I feel like I got hit by a bus when he checked out, leaving me to deal with all of this on my own.

A few days ago I got the… I need space talk from him.  He needs time.  He’s a mess with too many loose ends.  You know the This isn’t about you, this about me” talk.  So pretty much I got dumped.  And that is where we are at.

Since I spoke to him about my talk with Crazy I have left him alone.  Friday night used to be out date night every week.  We haven’t actually had Friday date night in four weeks now.  A friend, a male friend, invited me out to help me get my mind off of things.  There in the middle of my friend date was Mr. Perfect calling me.  Initiating contact for the first time in weeks. He didn’t say why he was calling.  I told him I was out and couldn’t talk, I didn’t say with who.  He sounded shocked and surprised that not only was I out, but I wanted to get off the phone. Then he said he would let me go.  I got off the phone and didn’t offer to call him back.  I haven’t heard a word out of him since that. My guy friend I was with told me to let him sit on that and wonder. He said that drives guys crazy. Who knows, but it felt like a small victory.

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A talk with Crazy (AKA the ex-wife)…

As more and more becomes clear, the only thing clearer is that Mr. Perfect has left his share of broken hearts, and he too has had his share of broken hearts.

So, I believe I explained in an earlier post that I had been friends with Mr. Perfects ex-sister-in-law for 26 years.  We are the best of friends years ago.  Then I got married and moved away and we lost touch for a while.  We reconnected several years ago through Facebook.  Since we reconnected we have seen each other a about 5 times a year on average.  I would say we are friends, but not best of friends at this point.  When I started seeing Mr. Perfect I really struggled as to if I should tell her.  After discussing it with several close friends and Mr. Perfect I decided to wait.  Mr. Perfect, though divorced, is still trying to sell the house that he shared with his ex-wife and clear up some other financial obligations.  He was wanting to get through all of that without a lot of drama from her.  They fight…a lot.

For over 3 months my relaitonship with Mr. Perfect was blissful.  I mean absolutely blissful.  I was so happy.  Then I get a call from Shady and since then things have just spiraled down the rabbit hole.  Last weekend I called my friend (Mr. Perfect’s ex-sister-in-law) and spilled the beans.  She wasn’t mad, but she didn’t really know what to say.  She asked for some time to think on it, but said she would call me on Tuesday.  Tuesday came and went and Wednesday night I asked her if she was going to get back to me. Well what followed was her calling me drunk (she’s an alcoholic), she cried and hung up on me.  So, the conversation moved to texting.  She told me she had called her sister (Crazy) and that her sister was aware of me. She said if I wanted to salvage our friendship I needed to call her sister right then.  She then sent me the phone number.  I called Crazy right then.

After some initial awkwardness, we proceeded to have a nice conversation.  She wanted to know when I started seeing Mr. Perfect.  She was wondering if we had started seeing each other prior to the divorce being finalized.  She wanted to know how many times I had met her daughter (Mr. Perfect and Crazy’s) daughter.  She asked how she acted with me. She asked how serious the relationship was with us.  I told her that I had thought it was really serious before I got the phone call and now I wasn’t sure what it was, because it was as if Mr. Perfect had just checked out.

She went on to tell me her experience with Shady (the ex-girlfriend).  Crazy had an affair with her boss almost 14 years ago that Mr. Perfect found out about.  I was aware of this fact.  She said she tried for years to make it better.  They went to counseling, she said she was an open book, she did everything she could to make it better, but he just never got over it.  Then she said he started seeing Shady about 5 years ago.  She said the last five years of her life with Mr. Perfect was hell.  She said because of her own affair it was like she never got out from under that and it was as if Mr. Perfect felt he had a free pass to do anything he wanted. She told me the stories of how she found out about Shady, how he would say he would end it and she would think things were ok and then Shady would be back in his life.

Crazy became aware that I was in the picture this past January.  Crazy and Shady met in January to discuss Mr. Perfect.  This is when Crazy and Shady first became aware, that there was someone else in the picture (me).  Shady had been Mr. Perfect’s OW for all those years.  Now that the divorce is final she thought she would land him and they would be free to be married like they had discussed, there was never an official engagement. Crazy had a lot more insight into what has been going on than I did.

Crazy also told me that all the way up until she moved out of the house the first week of December he was begging her not move and to work on the marriage.  For the record, I was aware that they were living in the same house when I started dating Mr. Perfect, but it is a big house with a big finished basement that he was staying in until the house sold.  Crazy said that they were sleeping in the same bed. I’m not sure if I believe this, because during that time I could call him at all hours of the night and he would answer.  I don’t believe you answer the phone when your ex-wife is lying right next to you.  Especially, an ex-wife that claims her husband is supposedly working to rekindle a relationship with you. And I don’t believe he was trying to get back together with her.

Crazy was very nice to me.  She said that I had done nothing wrong, I just got pulled into the middle of this crazy mess.  We ended the conversation with her saying she hoped it worked out for Mr. Perfect and I, because she knew I was a decent person and if Mr. Perfect had to have somebody in his life around her children she would hope that it would be someone like me.  She gave me her blessing.  However, she warned me that there is a long history with Shady and him and if he is shutting down like he is now that he is probably back with her.  She said he never really gets away from Shady.  It was obvious from our phone call that she has spent many years obssessed with Shady and Mr. Perfect.  And rightfully so. I think many of us can relate.  She told me she wanted time away from Mr. Perfect.  That she needed him to leave her alone and give her time to heal, which I agreed.  They fight non-stop.

I spoke with her for five hours and we did not get off the phone until 7:00am.  During that time I drank two bottles of wine.  I literally passed out in bed at the end of it. I woke up 12:30pm yesterday, hungover and exhausted still.  I spoke to Mr. Perfect as soon as I got up.  He hadn’t heard any of this. While I was on the phone with him he received an email from Crazy asking him to only communicate with her through email.  I told him that he needed to respect her wishes.  He said that he was hoping they could be friends for the sake of the children.  I told him with time and space he would probably be able to get to that point. He asked how I was feeling.  I told him I was overwhelmed.

So, after much thought and talking with Crazy I think this is what has happened.  I think he has had a five year affair with Shady.  I use the term affair loosely, because I know during a big chunk of that five years he had moved out of the house and the divorce had already been filed. However, I think him and Crazy went back and forth during that time. I think he thought at one point that he and Shady would be able to be together, but over the course of the five years things just got so messy. I don’t think he ever really finished his relationship with Shady, much like I hadn’t with W when Mr. Perfect and I met. He has been living with this love triangle mess for years, his wife’s affair 14 years ago, then the “affair” with Shady for years.  With me it was just easy, unmessy and just normal.  Now, things with us are messy too, because of this.  I think part of his attraction to me was having the easy, unmessy relationship without all the crazy, paranoid behaviors that comes from when you find out the person you love hasn’t quite been faithful.  We were just normal without all the drama.  We were just two people falling in love.  I don’t think he ever fully forgave his wife for the affair.  I don’t think Crazy ever fully forgave him for what he did with Shady.  I think he dealt with the drama between Shady and Crazy for years. I think Shady sees him as her meal ticket.  I think Crazy just wants a fresh start and is trying to navigate this whole new divorced, single life.

Part of me wants to talk to Shady again.  Our first conversation I said very little.  However, I think I need to just let it go.

Mr. Perfect and I talked for quite a bit yesterday and throughout the day.  He seemed overwhelmed, and I was definitely overwhelmed.  He mentioned that this is all we talk about.  Even I am sick of talking about it, but it seems that it is always just there under the surface. I have more answers, but I think I’m just as confused as I ever was.

Update on Mr. Perfect…

Yesterday marked two weeks since Mr. Perfect’s ex-girlfriend called me.  I won’t call her his fiance, because I know that isn’t true.  I have been an OW, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that wasn’t who I was in this situation.  However, I don’t think she was as much an “ex” as he made her out to be.  Some parts that I left out in my previous post…they have been on the same phone plan for over 3 years (that is how she got my phone number to call me) and he has her in an apartment. He doesn’t live with her, but he provides (he’s in a position to give her a free apartment without actually paying for it) the apartment for her and her daughter (the daughter has a chronic illness that costs a lot in medical expenses). By the way, I have had some people speculate that the daughter is his.  I don’t believe so, she is almost an adult herself and I don’t believe that to be true.

In the immediate aftermath, I didn’t want to talk to him much or see him.  He wanted to talk face to face.  He wanted to explain things.  I kept it to texting and phone conversations for four days. When I finally did see him, I wasn’t really open to making up just yet.  I still wanted answers and wanted to see some fight in him.  He just never put any fight in afterwards.

After that first initial night (the night she called me) he was all about making things right, etc. He was saying things like I will do whatever I need to do to make it better.  I will be an open book.  You can look at anything you want to.  I will make this right and prove to you that I am telling the truth. I will do whatever I have to do to make this work. etc… I told him that first night I just needed to some time to think.  I think I was still in shock and just didn’t want to make any rash decisions.

By the next day he was saying things like…I don’t blame you for hating me.  I don’t blame you for never wanting to talk to me again.  You deserve so much better.  I really screwed up.  I fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me and I deserve whatever I get. Which for the record, I never said I hated him, or I deserved better, or that I never wanted to talk to him again. Then he just stopped talking all together. Don’t get me wrong, we spent countless hours on the phone with me talking and him saying very, very little.  We talked (meaning he listened and I talked) about the things I needed to move forward. He said he would do them and then he never did.  All of sudden he wasn’t available. He pretty much stopped intiating contact and finding any excuse to cut the communication short or finding reasons he couldn’t get face to face, or talk to me, or text.  I wouldn’t accept the excuses, and he would pick the phone up anyways.  It was so frustrating and I just kept getting more angry and upset.

So exactly two weeks from the day she called me and turned my world upside down again…he dumped me.  He said he doesn’t think he is ready for a relationship.  He said that this was about him and not me.  He said he had too many loose ends he needed to take care of.  He was separated for a long time from his ex-wife, but they just finalized their divorce in September 2014. I didn’t start talking to him until the end of October 2014. However, even though the divorce is final (yes, I have seen the papers) many of their assests and financial things are still not settled.  The ex-wife, we’ll call her Crazy, and him don’t get along.  I know that this is true.  I have been friends with Crazy’s sister for 26 years and I know his ex-in-laws very well.  Even Crazy’s family don’t get along with Crazy.  They call her a bitch.  I know the other ex-in-laws well, but not Crazy.  Mr. Perfect and Crazy were married by the time I became friends with Crazy’s sister and just didn’t know them that well at the time.  But I know her own family doesn’t like her much.  BTW…my friend, his ex-sister-in-law, gave me her blessing about dating Mr. Perfect. My friend pretty much backs up everything he says about his Crazy. He has been really struggling with co-parenting and communicating with Crazy about many things.  Then he has this with the crazy ex girlfriend, we’ll call her Shady, because a lot of what she told me was shady.

So…that is what has happened in a nutshell.  I feel as if I have been in a hit and run.  One day we are talking about living together, splitting finances, raising children, bouncing grandbabies, and even talks of marriage and the next we are just in a downward spiral that I can’t stop.  I went from someone he couldn’t get enough time with, to someone he can’t even be around at all…overnight. I don’t think this is about Shady or Crazy.  He had all the time in the world before, and during the times we used to spend together we have been on the phone. To say I am confused, lost and so many other emotions is a complete understatement. I’m not the only one baffled.  All of my friends and family are just as confused.  They all witnessed first hand how much effort he put into our relationship and winning me over.  I haven’t told my girls yet, because in the few months we dated he got pretty close to my girls and our (his and mine) children became friends.

I feel lost and overwhelmed with sadness.  This was the first time I have been in a relationship where I felt so secure and safe.  He worked so hard to get me to that point.  He was everything you would want a guy to be.  He was affectionate, sensitive, strong, helpful, thoughtful, loving, kind, and all the nice adjectives I can think of.  He in a short amount of time became one of my best friends.

I really felt as though he and I were strong enough that we could get through this.  I could really use some advice.  Should I just let him be, or should I reach out and try.  I am too old to play games.  I have read and know what the books say about leaving them alone and going no contact. I will do that, but I don’t want to do it as a way of playing a game, hoping that he will come running back. I am just done with games.  I want to just move on, or move through this.  That is what I want.

My gut tells me this isn’t over.  My gut also knows that if he really wants out, there is nothing I can say or do to stop it. I love him. I really do. I fell in love. So, ladies and gentlemen…weigh in, please.  I would love to hear your stories and what you think.

Thanks for reading!

Wow…so much has changed…

It has been a while since I have posted.  Life has just been hectic. I got a new job, I am wrapping up my custody trial.  I haven’t seen W in a very long while.  I ended things and started seeing a new guy.  This new guy was pretty perfect in all the ways.  I met him at Church in late October, and shortly after we started dating.  He seemed to be an answer to every prayer I ever had.  He was good to me, good to my girls.  My family and friends loved him. My girls loved him.  I loved him.

Then last Tuesday… I had my D-Day…A woman called me claiming to be my new boyfriend’s fiance. It came out of no where. I mean out of no where.  I felt the floor collapse.  This isn’t the first time I have been called by a woman to tell me she was messing with the man I was commited to, but in the past I had suspected something.  I suspected nothing with my new guy…We’ll call him Mr. Perfect, because that is what I thought he was for a long time. So, there I am stunned, feeling the air sucked out of me, as I was listening to this woman cry and carry on on the other end of the line.  What she was saying didn’t make sense.  You see, I had been introduced and taken to Mr. Perfect’s parents house several times. I see him at church. I have met his teenage daughter several times.  His family and friends know me as his girlfriend, and now there is this woman on the other end telling me she is engaged to Mr. Perfect and they have been together for six years!

The aftermath of that phone call is pretty much a blur.  I texted Mr. Perfect and told him I was on the phone with his fiance.  He texted back…fiance? To which I replied yes, and gave him her name. He said he would call in a minute and that it wasn’t what I was thinking.  She was on the way to his house (she had told me that while I was on the phone with her).  I knew his daughter was home so I gave him a heads up that she was on her way to house, because his daughter doesn’t need to be caught in the middle of this.  What followed next was 100 minutes of waiting to hear from him.  Those were the longest minutes of silence from him.  When he finally called he said she was an ex-girlfriend of his and that they had never been engaged.  He explained her away as a person who is crazy in the 270 minutes we talked after that.  Don’t they all descibe us that way when they get caught?

However, the biggest things that stuck out in my head…men who are married or engaged…

…Don’t take the OW around their parents and children and introduce them publicly as their girlfriend.

…Don’t go out to eat in public restaurants in the small town where they live with their OW.

…Don’t pick up the phone every time the OW calls no matter the time of day.

…Don’t introduce their OW to their co-workers as their girlfriend.

…Don’t take them to their house with their children home to have family dinners.

I still haven’t figured out what is going on, but I don’t necessarily believe her story either.  There is more to the story, that is just too much to write and go into.

This has all gotten me thinking.  In the 8 years since I split from my ex-husband and in the dating I have done, not one of the guys I got serious with was the relationship just us.  All of them, All 8 of them, there has been someone else in the picture.  Either I was knowingly/unknowingly the OW, or there was another woman in the picture in which I was the betrayed partner.  All of them have been love triangles even if I didn’t know it.  The question:  Does dating after 30 automatically mean you will always have a third party in the relationship?  Do people ever really break away from ex with whom they were once serious about?  Once attached to a partner are you always attached to that partner in someway?

I am doing OK.  Believe it or not, this has happened to me so many times.  There have been so many D-days for me.  D-days in which I discovering my partner has another woman in his life, that I have developed coping skills.  I have learned how to muddle through it.  I have learned how to put my big girl panties on.  I did think this one was different.  I did think that meeting a guy at church and knowing the family and friends would protect me somewhat from that, but even still it happens.  If you can’t meet a guy in church, then where can you meet a guy?

And here is the thing…I’m not mad at this lady who called me.  I don’t think I was the OW in this case, I do believe she is an ex, who doesn’t want to let go.  However, I am not hurt by her and I don’t think bad things about her. Do I want to be her friend? No. Do I want to talk to her again? No. Do I wish her well? I do. Did she throw my new relationship with Mr. Perfect in a tailspin? Yes.

I haven’t seen him since D-day.  Not because he hasn’t wanted to, but because I haven’t let him come over.  For now I am taking the time to sort out my feelings and emotions.  It took a lot for me to pull myself out of the love triangle with W I don’t want to put myself in the middle of another love triangle.  No matter what his relationship with this woman was/is it sounds as if he still has some unfinished business.

Thus is the life of dating post-divorce and after 30.  But, damn I sure thought this one was different….

2014 in review

Wow has it been a year already!!!

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 16,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

17 Things Modern Daters Say And What They Actually Mean

Thought Catalog

Friends with BenefitsFriends with Benefits

“[INSERT PERSON THEY’RE DATING’S NAME] IS MY #MCM/#WCW!”

This is the new Facebook official. I know, Facebook official isn’t exactly old, but recently people find comfort and security in their face being plastered all over the person they’re seeing’s Instagram. Being vocal about your feelings and showing the person off is an elaborate, adoring way of calling dibs.

“Have fun with that.” or “lol have fun”

Ruh roh. You’re going somewhere or doing something they aren’t thrilled about, and they’re passive aggressively expressing their dissatisfaction with your decision. They don’t want you to “have fun.” They want you to have none of the fun. Know that responding “Thanks!” is a surefire way to make the situation 100% worse.

“He’s/She’s creepy/clingy/thirsty.”

Maybe this person is actually creepy, clingy or thirsty, but maybe, just maybe they’re only making a reasonable amount of effort, but the feelings of attraction aren’t…

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18 Ugly Truths About Modern Dating That You Have To Deal With

Thought Catalog

Celeste and Jesse Forever [Blu-ray]Celeste and Jesse Forever .

1. The person who cares less has all the power. Nobody wants to be the one who’s more interested.

2. Because we want to show how cavalier and blasé we can be to the other person, little psychological games like ‘Intentionally Take Hours Or Days To Text Back’ will happen. They aren’t fun.

3. A person being carefree because they have zero interest in you looks exactly like a person being carefree because they think you’re amazing & are making a conscious effort to play it cool. Good luck deciphering between the two.

4. Making phone calls is a dying art. Chances are, most of your relationship’s communication will happen via text, which is the most detached, impersonal form of interaction. Get familiar with those emoticon options.

5. Set plans are dead. People have options and up-to-the-minute updates on their friends (or other potential romantic interests)…

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