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Distancer-Pursuer dance…sigh…

Nothing has really changed since the last time I wrote, but a lot has happened. Do you want to know what the Distancer-Pursuer dance looks like?  This is how it is going with Mr. Perfect…

Sunday, March 8th, I started getting the craziest texts from him about how he didn’t have anything, and he didn’t deserve anything, because all he does is cause hurt to the people who are important him.  How he made this bed and he needs to lie in and he won’t allow me to be more involved in this than I already am, because I am a good person and he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore.  etc…It was crazy. We sent lots of crazy messages.  That morning i sent a few more, and he said he would call later. I didn’t hear from him and I didn’t try to contact him, I thought him saying he would call was his way of shutting me up. I honestly thought that I wouldn’t hear from him anymore. That was Monday, March 9th. (Classic distancing)

Then on Tuesday, March 10th,there was wide spread service outages with my cellular provider, and then that evening I dropped my phone in a sink full of water.  I was able to save my phone, but it had to be turned off for a couple of days.  When I finally got it up and running.  I had a text from him that was sent March 10th at noon that read..

Good morning beautiful.  Sorry, I didn’t call last night.  I sat down on the couch and fell asleep. It was late when I woke up.  I’ve been trying to take control of my life back and started with Crazy yesterday.  The stress was killing me. I will call you today, I promise. I have missed talking to you.

Then there was a voicemail where he had called that night.  It said something like…Hey, it’s me.  I was just calling to talk.  Call me if you want to talk.  I backed off for two days so he was back with a little bit of pursuit…

I sat on it for a couple of days, and I didn’t hear anymore from him.  I realized, I was afraid to talk to him, because I didn’t know what to expect.  The Mr. Perfect I dated, or the Mr. Perfect he has become in the last 5 weeks. However, I finally texted him back on Friday night March 13th. We exchanged small talk, and by that Saturday I was sending him “books” by texting telling him how hurt I was and why.

By Sunday he had sent several long crazy messages, where I was pressing him to open up, but he wouldn’t. (Classic pursuer) He finally called me to talk on Tuesday, but it was a short conversation and we just cleared up details about my conversation with Crazy. There have been a few calls and texts since then, but nothing about what I really want to discuss with him.  It has all been idle chit chat. In one of those texts he said he missed me, and then the next morning he sent me a good morning text, but outside of that there has been no discussion about us, or what happened.  There are so many conversations I want to have with him, but I know he will find a reason to not talk about what happened with us and find a reason to get off the phone.  If I text him about it he won’t respond. As long as I keep the conversation to small talk he is ok to talk.  I don’t really believe he wants to conversate with me though.  I think he does it as a way to ease his guilt about what he did to me. (Classic distancer)

I feel like collateral damage.  Something that he is hoping will just disappear, probably because he does right now. He is distancing himself.

I am aware of the distancer-pursuer dance.  I have been caught up in that more than I care to recall.  This is classic distancer-pursuer.  I don’t think I want a relationship where I have to live this repeatedly.  I have done this so many times.  Where I back off and within 30 days the guy is coming at me ready to talk and ready to connect, and they make all these promises.  I fall for it and then I get myself all connected and high off the love, attention and initimacy then we hit a rough patch and the classic distancer backs away and then I become the pursuer and the more you push for intimacy and connection the more they pull back.  Then you finally give up and they are back at you within 30 days.  I have done this cycle so many times in my life. I hate it. it sucks. It sucks the most for the pursuer (me).  The distancer holds all the power and control in this situation.  The only control the pursuer has is to back off, wait and wonder when and if the distancer will engage in the dance again, or just leave the dance all together.  However, neither of those options are what the pursuer wants. Both suck.

So Mr. Perfect is a classic distancer.  And I am a classic pursuer, always on the hunt for love, intimacy and connection. This is not a good combination.  BTW, the majority of the time the pursuer is the woman and the distancer is the man. Women are socialized to value relationships and connections with others.  Men are socialized to hold in their emotions and feelings and to be tough.  Not that all men are distancers, but it you find yourself in this dance, then typically it is the man who distances and the woman who pursues.

I’m still not feeling great, but I am feeling a little better.  I still have large chunks of time in my day where I am riddled with anxiety.

One good thing…I have learned that I want a healthy, fulfilling relationship with a partner by my side.  For a while there I was thinking I didn’t, or that it wouldn’t be possible.  However, my short relationship with Mr. Perfect showed me just how much had missed that and it is something that I want and was able to love again after W. So, there is that.  Now how do I get it and how do I trust men again?  Hmmm…

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7 thoughts on “Distancer-Pursuer dance…sigh…

  1. *sigh* I know this cycle all to well and I sort of understand what you’re going through. The anxiety is crazy-making! Sometimes it just comes and smacks me out of the blue!

    Right now you don’t have to trust men. Not one. Not any. You will heal in time, as you know, and you will be willing to let someone else in, but right now our hearts are wounded and have big, giant scabs covering them entirely. We need to let them heal and they will end up being stronger!

    *(A friend keeps reminding me that I must be growing a mega-shit-ton right now because of how bad this is hurting me. Growing pains, ya know? You’re growing, too! 😀 )

    • You know…I really hate this dance. I think i am going to take my dance to another dance partner. This cycle is so damaging to a relationship, and there isn’t much you can do to stop it when you are partnered with a distancer. They have all the control and power, and the relationship is no longer balanced.

      Big, giant, scaby hearts…what a picture! I just giggled at the image.

      Cheers to growing pains! I hope you start feeling better. I want to start feeling better. Wouldn’t it be great to write about our ups instead of or downs?

  2. You deserve a healthy good relationship and I do believe you will find that. You will have it. I just don’t know when. Maybe when it’s least expected.
    You are doing so amazingly well in spite of what Mr. Perfect is putting you through. Your strength inspires me.

    • Thank you, but I don’t feel strong. It has been 5 weeks and I still don’t feel any better than I did that day, but I think I am starting to turn the corner. We will both get through this, eventually. I am sure about that!

  3. Sending good energy your way….truth be told I am too tired and not even interested in meeting anyone … it puzzles me as to how I would find the time for anyone and I only work part-time, have no children to care for….I am not willing to allow anything or anyone interfere with the comfortable rhythm of my daily life….I have discovered that my life is full as it is … so give yourself a pat on the back for the courage you have in venturing out into the world of dating….you are a very strong and brave woman

    • Grace…You’re back! 🙂 I have missed you on this side of things! Thanks for the good energy vibes! I sure feel like I need them right now. It has been a whirlwind that’s for sure. I hope I am turning the corner though. Venturing out is tough! Really tough. I need to do it though if I am ever going to get what I want.

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