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Why is no contact so hard???

Well, it has been more than 24 hours since Mr. Perfect called me…

Not a peep has been heard. I haven’t contacted him either.

Why is no contact so hard?

Why is it that when you love somebody you would rather fight than not hear anything?

Why is it that sitting on the phone with that person in silence is better than sitting in silence without having that peson on the phone?

Why do we need to feel the attachment even when that attachment isn’t good?

i have kept myself busy today.  I have visited with family and friends.  I have made myself get out of my home.  This is a first since all this has happened.  I have literally only left the house for necessities…like going to work and running kids.  The rest of the time I have spent either trying to talk some sense into Mr. Perfect, or figure out what the hell happened, or trying to find a way to quit shaking.

So today I had a mental break (not a break down, but I took some mental time off from the never ending loop that runs in my head)  and I got out of my place. I have started to open up about what has happened. I have started to accept so many things.  However, I still find myself looking at my phone over and over again hoping beyond hope that his name will come across it. Why?  Why do I need to see that to have validation that I am a good person?  Or that I am worthy?  Or that I am lovable?  Or that I am not expendible?  I’m beginning to think this is more about me than him.

I have had a series of failed relationships.  The only common demoninator is me. Obviously, I am doing something wrong.  Not that I am bad, but I am choosing the wrong men.

During all of this with Mr. Perfect…I never yelled.  I never got in a fight.  We came close one night, but I backed off.  I never got angry.  BTW…I am kind of known to be too nice.

Is being too nice a bad thing?  Doesn’t the world need more forgiving, loving and accepting people?  On Day 2 after D-day Mr. Perfect called one of my best friends…who is male… and told him to take care of me.  Let’s give my best guy friend in the world a name…Mr. Dependable, because that is what he is to me. So Mr. Dependable tells Mr. Perfect to not give up.  He tells him that I was the happiest he had ever seen me in a relationship and told him to fight…actually he told Mr. Perfect to kiss my ass and do whatever he needed to to make this right, but he really meant fight.  Mr. Dependable went on to tell him he had seen me through the years to hang in with worse and if he did the right things right now, all hope wasn’t lost.

This has all got me thinking…am I too accomodating? A few weeks ago, Mr. Perfect told me he wanted me to need him.  I stopped him cold. I don’t need any man.  It took me years to get out of a marriage where I was dependent on a man.  l will never be in that situation again. Well, after I relayed that conversation to Mr. Dependable he told me…

Well, let me tell you how that conversation went…

Mr. Dependable: You told him you don’t need him?  And that you will never need a man?

Me: Yes, you know what it took for me to get to the point that I can stand on my own feet.

Mr. Dependable: What?  Repeat after me. Never, ever, ever, tell a man you don’t need them.  You don’t have to say you need them.  You don’t even have to need them, but you never, ever tell a man you don’t need them.  I’m serious.  Repeat it.

Me: Why? How is it healthy to NEED somebody.  Isn’t that co-dependency?

Mr. Dependable:  Men like to think they are needed. Just never say that again.  Lock that away in your mind.

I always love getting a guy’s perspective.  They think in guy logic.  They explain guy psyche more than I can.  I love my Mr. Dependable.  FYI, he is the first person I called after Shady called and he talked to me to the entire 100 minutes while I waited for Mr. Perfect to call me.  He’s pretty awesome.

So here I am beginning day two of no contact…and I’m feeling stronger, but more vulnerable. It is pulling off old scabs and opening old wounds.

It just sucks! Plain and simple. It sucks. You keep waiting for the phone to ring, or a knock at the door.  You want the ending you see in the Chick Flicks…where the guy figures out he can’t live without you and he chases you down the freeway with so much passion and vigor that it stops traffic and he jumps out and declares his undying love. Sigh. This is why I don’t watch chick flicks, because it sets us up for failure with unrealistic expectations.  However, the movies do great in the box office, because we all want this and hope. Hope.

Is hope why no contact is so hard?  Or is it because we feel the loss of love and attachment?

All I know is going no contact is very difficult when all you want is to have more contact.  It is so difficult when all you want them to do is miss you, and and come running.

So, my question remains…is no contact hard because we need validation?

I don’t know the answer, but I know this sucks.  I’m not liking it at all, but I’m doing it!

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14 thoughts on “Why is no contact so hard???

  1. I think part of it is the need for validation. At least in my experience. When I broke no contact after a month and texted B a couple weeks ago, his saying that he missed us and missed me and that he had looked at my Facebook (some of his favorite is pics I left public after he and I had to delete each other on FB when we were caught the first time in 2013), well, hearing this was like music to my heart. These past couple weeks have been easier in a way with the continued no contact because even though I know we will never speak again, I know this is just as hard on him, and knowing that kind of helps.

    • I could see where knowing he missed you and thought of you often would be comforting. I can understand that. Because in any relationship, even just a small text or a quick phone call says “I’m thinking of you” Just those little things makes us feel important and valued. So knowing he was missing you was probably huge. He wil always think of you, it sounds like you were a big part of his life too.

  2. And I believe that Mr. Perfect is struggling big time as well and of course he misses you. Unfortunately he is just to weak of character to face the mess he created and this fear and weakness is what is ruling him right now. You deserve someone much stronger, someone who is a good match for your strength of character and sadly it doesn’t sound like Mr. Perfect is that person at this time. He had so much growing to do. (just my opinion of course!!).

  3. Thanks Sassy,

    I would like to think he is struggling, but I don’t think that is the case. This past week it was as if he was begging for a break from all this. He asked for a couple of days to just think. He asked for space. He wanted this break. I was the one who didn’t. He did call Friday night…that was the first time he had intiated contact with me in a long time. But after his pleas for space and stuff, I’m just not sure if I believe he is struggling. I sure hope so though.

    I think we were a good match in a lot of ways, but I think he is stunted emotionally. He is great when things are great, but stunted emotionally when shit hits the fan.

    I always love your opinions. I am so confused. So, it helps to hear it. Thanks for the taking the time to share them!

  4. You pose some very great questions and points here. It’s good you have a Mr. Dependable!

    I think it’s all in the difference between being kind and being nice.
    Nice = Bad
    Kind = Good

    No contact used to be difficult for me, but now I am actually scared to contact him. Will he ignore me, will he say something hurtful, will he play coy again? I’m so sick of the unpredictability that I dread having to contact him. It never ends well any more and we used to be so *tight*! Maybe it will get to this point someday with you, too? It’s sad, but maybe it makes it easier to ‘move on’.

    I watch a ton of sit-coms and cartoons to keep my mind from focusing on something negative. Loud music really helps to drown out most everything – I have discovered a lot of new artists over the last couple of months. I don’t know how much of a fitness freak you are, but running really helps on my worst days – I just have to force myself to do it. Afterwards I am thankful.

    {{Huggs and kisses}} We are meant to be learning something and this feeling might not ever go away, but it will get easier to handle.

    • You know what? You hit that right on head. I dated a guy for three years several years ago. We even got engaged at one point. (I still have the ring 🙂 But he was like that. I never knew if he would ignore me, play coy, or anything like that. It was unnerving and I got to the point that it was hard to contact him, especially if I was feeling emotional. He didn’t like dealing with my emotions. I started dating W after that ended. That was one thing I always loved about him, he was always calm, always listened and always positive. I always knew what I would get with him.

      I have been watching reruns of Sex and the City. I watched it the first time when I thought I was blissfully married and had two small children, so watching it now after being in the dating world for 8 years is completely different. It does help to take my mind off things.

      Music is something I haven’t been able to listen to. It all seems to be about love.

      I agree with the fitness stuff and once the weather breaks I might be able to get out. In fact I would like that. Friday night was the first time I left my place when I didn’t have to in almost 3 weeks. I have just wanted to hide from the world. I just told my mom, and we are tight, a week ago. I have just been hiding.

      You know all the other times I have gone through a break up, we just ended things and we knew that we still had affection for one another, but this is different. In other times I have gone no contact I knew that I could still pick the phone up and they would probably be glad to hear from me, but this is one time I don’t think contact from me would be welcomed and that is what is bothering me the most. I feel so rejected, and I don’t know why.

      Side note: The guy I dated for 3 years. He and I are still friends. I have seen him a couple of times since we broke up and he always hugs me and asks how I am. In fact, he called the other day just to see how I was doing. He has a girlfriend now, and they had a baby together a little over a year ago…The final reason we broke up was he got a girl pregnant while we were engaged. I kept the ring, he got a baby with another woman, his now girlfriend. Somehow though we have remained friends…after a period of not talking for a bit.

      ((hugs and kisses)) back. I’m in the States. My email is relationshiprambles@gmail.com. I know we have emailed in the past, but just in case. Feel free to email me there and we can chat outside of the blogging world! I can always use a new girlfriend!

      Oh, and I am super lucky to have Mr. Dependable. He’s been taking care of me. In fact, we met last night he just held me and told me it would be ok. He’s let me talk his ear his off. We do that for each other. He has had his share of heartbreak too. We have never crossed the line though. Never had sex or kissed or anything. Just friends. We have both agreed that our friendship is too valuable to ever go there. My grandmother died 3 years ago…she was my world. I was a grandma’s girl. Mr. Dependable took off work and never left my side through the whole ordeal. He was the only friend I had that did that. I was single at the time, and he made sure I had someone by my side. He is pretty awesome.

      • Lucky girl!
        I’m always afraid to reach out; that I am bothering someone. That’s why I have my blog, then it’s up to the readers to read it or not. It’s not nearly as ‘intrusive’ that way.

        Is that strange?

      • I don’t think it is strange, but I wonder why you feel like you are bothering someone. My friends and I reach out to each other all the time. Do you have friends in real life that know your story? I only have friends that don’t judge me, and I don’t judge them either. It makes reaching out a lot easier, when you know that acceptance is there when you do.

      • Two “real” friends…
        I’m sure it has to do with my father and my husband always dismissing me and gaslighting me – that, and all the guys I choose kind of treat me like I am a bother sometimes.

        I’m working on it!! 🙂

      • Ugh! Now that makes sense. This is the second time I have felt like a bother to a guy I was dating. It feels like rejection. I hate feeling like that. Fear of rejection will cause us do a lot of things that are “strange” Well, I don’t think you are bother at all. Feel free to reach out to me anytime!

  5. I tell my boyfie that I don’t need him all the time. But I do want him. I want him in my life, in my arms, chasing me up the stairs while I squeal at him to go away…

    When I hear “Do you need me?” I tend to feel like I’ve had an ice shower. No, I don’t need anyone. However I do want people in my life.

    Co-dependency freaks me the hell out, so you aren’t alone in that one.

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