Day 2 of no contact and I am still obssessing…

I feel obssessed right now with trying to figure out what has happened.  It is like I cannot shut my mind off to it.  I guess I will just write. Write to keep me from contacting him.  Write to get the thoughts out of my head.  Write because it seems to help right now.  I will just write.

I slept pretty good last night after a couple glasses of wine and a few beers. But just like every morning since this happened I awake and it is like being slammed with several bricks all at once and the reality of the situation.

I keep going through the timeline of events.  We were so perfect.  I mean both of us for months got butterflies when we even thought about each other.  We couldn’t wait to see one another.  Our faces just beamed when we were together. We had to be in constant contact when we weren’t together. It was unusual to even go a couple of hours without some kind of contact.  He seemed to be the answer to every prayer I had ever had.  He was loyal, dependable, loving, caring, sensitive, funny, good natured and so many other wonderful qualites.  He was a good dad with a good career, he went to church. He seemed physcially and emotionally available. We had so much fun together.

The day that shady called and crumbled my world was February 17th.

Just a small glimpse of what my life was like prior to February 17th…On February 5th I received this these messages from Mr. Perfect….

I hate that I didn’t see or talk to you much today.  My day is always better with you in it.  I’m feeling really sappy right now and just wish I was there holding you in my arms.  God blessed me with you and I couldn’t be happier.  I don’t want to wait a year before we live together.  I love and miss you very much and I can’t wait for our date night tomorrow.  Goodnight baby!

I had already fallen asleep (He works late hours) so this came through just after midnight after he had sent the above text.

I made it home.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have a sick feeling because I miss you so bad.  I never thought I would want or need someone like this.  Thank you for being the beautiful woman you are both inside and out.  I love you.

There are many of those texts, but those are just some I saved. This man said things like this to me every day.  He didn’t just say the words he did things to show me he loved me.  Little did I know just 11 days later this woman would call out of the blue and all of this would just blow up in my face. There was no indication that this was going anywhere bad.  It was perfect.

The night of the 17th he wanted to come over to my house after Shady called.  I wouldn’t let him.  We talked for several hours.  He said he would do whatever he had to to fix this.  He explained things.  My mind was reeling.  He said he would be an open book.  He was all about fixing things.  We talked until 1am.  I told him I didn’t know what I wanted to do, that I needed to time to think through things and process it. We got off the phone and I went to sleep.  By the time I woke up these were the texts I was getting…

I’m sorry I’ve hurt and put you through this.  I understand if you hate me.  I wish I could go back and do this over.  I would be honest and tell you everything.  I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore and I will not bother you.  I hope that you can forgive me.

That was early in the day… I told him.  I didn’t know what I wanted and that I didn’t hate him, and I never said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He kept putting all these words into my mouth. He called Mr. Dependable, my very vest guy friend in the whole world, and after speaking with Mr. Dependable I got these messages…

I talked with (Mr. Dependable).  I’m so sorry for hurting you.  You deserve better than me.  I’m a fucking loser! You deserve so much more.  You’re such an amazing woman.  I fucked up! I want you to be happy.  I know you will never be able to trust me again and I don’t blame you.  I love you.  But you deserve better.  You deserve a man that treats you like the queen you are.  You are a unicorn (side note: that is an inside joke between us, the elusive woman that isn’t crazy but still hot) I will never find a woman as good as you.  You are the total package.  I fucked up and betrayed your trust! I would totally understand if you hate me forever.  You should.  I love you and hope you find someone that will treat you like you deserve.  I’ve never met someone as selfless as you.  You are definitely a unicorn!

Now I will add that he was very drunk by the time he wrote that message. He doesn’t usually get drunk.  In fact, it is the first time I had spoken to him drunk.  He went on after that message and messaged me several times and told me to date Mr. Dependable.  I told him I didn’t want to and he kept saying it.  I picked up the phone and called him and he was so drunk I couldn’t even speak to him. I might add that those texts came through on February 18th.  One day after Shady called.  At this time, I hadn’t said what I wanted to do, but I most certainly did not tell him that I hated him, or that I couldn’t forgive him, or any of those things.  I just still had lots of questions.

Since, then I have seen him only a few brief times.  We have spent hours on the phone with me talking at him, I say talking at him, because I can’t get him to talk with me.  He is just silent, saying very little.  Even when I ask for his thoughts.  He just says he doesn’t know what to do or say.

Last Monday night, March 2nd,  he tells me he thinks it is best if we break up and I just lost it.  It was the most emotional I have gotten with him.  I cried and asked lots of questions.  I couldn’t believe he hadn’t even tried to work this out with me, and now he was dumping me. I was so confused how a man who claimed he loved me so much with so much virgor and passion was now saying he wanted to let go. He said would come by the next day (March 3rd) after work.  The next day after work I hadn’t heard from him.  The time came and went and finally he sent this text.

I’m sorry but I’m not going to be able to make it. I don’t think it is a good idea that I come by anyway. I’m really struggling with what I want to do from here. I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I feel like that is what I would be doing. I can’t in good conscience come by right now. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you that was not my intention. You haven’t done anything wrong, it’s all me. Itm struggling right now with closing out all loose ends

I sent him back a long text and told him some things, but I told him my door was always open when he was ready to talk. We talked more that night, and we talked Wednesday. Wednesday night was my marathon conversation with Crazy.  On Thursday we talked about that all day. I asked him that day what he wanted for us and if he thought we could work this out. He couldn’t believe I was asking him that after everything I knew about him.  He wondered how I could ever forgive him and move past this. I don’t think he has ever had anybody in his life that did that and I don’t think he ever gave forgiveness in his past relationships.

By this Friday we had no reason to talk, and he did call that night, and it is the first contact he has intiated in a long time. However, I have heard nothing from him since.  Not a text or anything, and now I am obssessing.

Neither of us are phone people, but the phone was our life line. We both have hectic lives and are raising teenagers, and the phone is what helped keep us connected. We talked on the phone several times a day and always ended our day with a long phone conversation if we weren’t crawling into bed with each other. We also texted a lot throughout the day. Many of our conversations were about our future together.  The no contact is hard, because for all those months that was something that we did. Having contact=connection.  Without the contact I know the connection is fading.  If I am honest, the last couple of weeks, I felt like I was initiating all the contact and he was just keeping in contact as an obligation he felt I was due from him for him hurting me. He wasn’t real thrilled about it, because all I wanted to do was talk this through until we could fix things. It was like he was done long before he said he wanted out.

I’m just so confused by all of this. I miss him. And it is just hard. And I just don’t understand.  I know it was a short relationship, but it felt real and I fell in love.  We used to talk about us being midlife and that realistically we probably wouldn’t have 50 years together.  We talked about how we would need to make the most of what time we have together. This was a man who was crazy about me and now so quickly it is just over, and I feel lost without him and lonely.