Home » Uncategorized » A talk with Crazy (AKA the ex-wife)…

A talk with Crazy (AKA the ex-wife)…

As more and more becomes clear, the only thing clearer is that Mr. Perfect has left his share of broken hearts, and he too has had his share of broken hearts.

So, I believe I explained in an earlier post that I had been friends with Mr. Perfects ex-sister-in-law for 26 years.  We are the best of friends years ago.  Then I got married and moved away and we lost touch for a while.  We reconnected several years ago through Facebook.  Since we reconnected we have seen each other a about 5 times a year on average.  I would say we are friends, but not best of friends at this point.  When I started seeing Mr. Perfect I really struggled as to if I should tell her.  After discussing it with several close friends and Mr. Perfect I decided to wait.  Mr. Perfect, though divorced, is still trying to sell the house that he shared with his ex-wife and clear up some other financial obligations.  He was wanting to get through all of that without a lot of drama from her.  They fight…a lot.

For over 3 months my relaitonship with Mr. Perfect was blissful.  I mean absolutely blissful.  I was so happy.  Then I get a call from Shady and since then things have just spiraled down the rabbit hole.  Last weekend I called my friend (Mr. Perfect’s ex-sister-in-law) and spilled the beans.  She wasn’t mad, but she didn’t really know what to say.  She asked for some time to think on it, but said she would call me on Tuesday.  Tuesday came and went and Wednesday night I asked her if she was going to get back to me. Well what followed was her calling me drunk (she’s an alcoholic), she cried and hung up on me.  So, the conversation moved to texting.  She told me she had called her sister (Crazy) and that her sister was aware of me. She said if I wanted to salvage our friendship I needed to call her sister right then.  She then sent me the phone number.  I called Crazy right then.

After some initial awkwardness, we proceeded to have a nice conversation.  She wanted to know when I started seeing Mr. Perfect.  She was wondering if we had started seeing each other prior to the divorce being finalized.  She wanted to know how many times I had met her daughter (Mr. Perfect and Crazy’s) daughter.  She asked how she acted with me. She asked how serious the relationship was with us.  I told her that I had thought it was really serious before I got the phone call and now I wasn’t sure what it was, because it was as if Mr. Perfect had just checked out.

She went on to tell me her experience with Shady (the ex-girlfriend).  Crazy had an affair with her boss almost 14 years ago that Mr. Perfect found out about.  I was aware of this fact.  She said she tried for years to make it better.  They went to counseling, she said she was an open book, she did everything she could to make it better, but he just never got over it.  Then she said he started seeing Shady about 5 years ago.  She said the last five years of her life with Mr. Perfect was hell.  She said because of her own affair it was like she never got out from under that and it was as if Mr. Perfect felt he had a free pass to do anything he wanted. She told me the stories of how she found out about Shady, how he would say he would end it and she would think things were ok and then Shady would be back in his life.

Crazy became aware that I was in the picture this past January.  Crazy and Shady met in January to discuss Mr. Perfect.  This is when Crazy and Shady first became aware, that there was someone else in the picture (me).  Shady had been Mr. Perfect’s OW for all those years.  Now that the divorce is final she thought she would land him and they would be free to be married like they had discussed, there was never an official engagement. Crazy had a lot more insight into what has been going on than I did.

Crazy also told me that all the way up until she moved out of the house the first week of December he was begging her not move and to work on the marriage.  For the record, I was aware that they were living in the same house when I started dating Mr. Perfect, but it is a big house with a big finished basement that he was staying in until the house sold.  Crazy said that they were sleeping in the same bed. I’m not sure if I believe this, because during that time I could call him at all hours of the night and he would answer.  I don’t believe you answer the phone when your ex-wife is lying right next to you.  Especially, an ex-wife that claims her husband is supposedly working to rekindle a relationship with you. And I don’t believe he was trying to get back together with her.

Crazy was very nice to me.  She said that I had done nothing wrong, I just got pulled into the middle of this crazy mess.  We ended the conversation with her saying she hoped it worked out for Mr. Perfect and I, because she knew I was a decent person and if Mr. Perfect had to have somebody in his life around her children she would hope that it would be someone like me.  She gave me her blessing.  However, she warned me that there is a long history with Shady and him and if he is shutting down like he is now that he is probably back with her.  She said he never really gets away from Shady.  It was obvious from our phone call that she has spent many years obssessed with Shady and Mr. Perfect.  And rightfully so. I think many of us can relate.  She told me she wanted time away from Mr. Perfect.  That she needed him to leave her alone and give her time to heal, which I agreed.  They fight non-stop.

I spoke with her for five hours and we did not get off the phone until 7:00am.  During that time I drank two bottles of wine.  I literally passed out in bed at the end of it. I woke up 12:30pm yesterday, hungover and exhausted still.  I spoke to Mr. Perfect as soon as I got up.  He hadn’t heard any of this. While I was on the phone with him he received an email from Crazy asking him to only communicate with her through email.  I told him that he needed to respect her wishes.  He said that he was hoping they could be friends for the sake of the children.  I told him with time and space he would probably be able to get to that point. He asked how I was feeling.  I told him I was overwhelmed.

So, after much thought and talking with Crazy I think this is what has happened.  I think he has had a five year affair with Shady.  I use the term affair loosely, because I know during a big chunk of that five years he had moved out of the house and the divorce had already been filed. However, I think him and Crazy went back and forth during that time. I think he thought at one point that he and Shady would be able to be together, but over the course of the five years things just got so messy. I don’t think he ever really finished his relationship with Shady, much like I hadn’t with W when Mr. Perfect and I met. He has been living with this love triangle mess for years, his wife’s affair 14 years ago, then the “affair” with Shady for years.  With me it was just easy, unmessy and just normal.  Now, things with us are messy too, because of this.  I think part of his attraction to me was having the easy, unmessy relationship without all the crazy, paranoid behaviors that comes from when you find out the person you love hasn’t quite been faithful.  We were just normal without all the drama.  We were just two people falling in love.  I don’t think he ever fully forgave his wife for the affair.  I don’t think Crazy ever fully forgave him for what he did with Shady.  I think he dealt with the drama between Shady and Crazy for years. I think Shady sees him as her meal ticket.  I think Crazy just wants a fresh start and is trying to navigate this whole new divorced, single life.

Part of me wants to talk to Shady again.  Our first conversation I said very little.  However, I think I need to just let it go.

Mr. Perfect and I talked for quite a bit yesterday and throughout the day.  He seemed overwhelmed, and I was definitely overwhelmed.  He mentioned that this is all we talk about.  Even I am sick of talking about it, but it seems that it is always just there under the surface. I have more answers, but I think I’m just as confused as I ever was.

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13 thoughts on “A talk with Crazy (AKA the ex-wife)…

  1. I agree with everyone else. Give him the space and take this time to rethink your relationship. It’s better for him to figure it out alone than you being behind him waiting for something that might not happen. He needs his man pants on cause he does seem to have lost them. As old as I am, I still have to play those silly games which you figure at a later age that this would stop but men are difficult to understand but than they say the same about us. Sometimes you need to play the game so at the end you will win what you deserve.

  2. Oh RR-
    I can’t like this post, I mean part of me wants to but there’s more of me that just can’t. Because you are overwhelmed and hurting…and if anyone has been through so much and deserves happiness and a new normal, it’s you! {{hugs}}

    That said, in reading all of the past posts I may have missed, you seem to have a good understanding of what Mr. Perfects life has been like these past several years *and* I believe you are right, he and Crazy haven’t worked through their relationship in terms their past affairs and behaviors and no, he and Shady never had a healthy relationship and there’s that to work through as well as work he likely needs to/should do himself. Just writing that out is overwhelming and exhausting. And you love him. Plain and simple. Do you think you and he could do counseling work together as a new couple? More importantly, how are you? Do you have the support you need, besides us here online? What can I do to help you?…

    • I know. It sucks. I have to admit I was really liking a non-drama relationship. I am not sure if that is even possible at this point in life. For three months I had a present, available boyfriend that was all about me and my children. He was attentive. He was present. He took me around his parents, family and friends…which for a former ex-OW is huge. I knew the relationship with Crazy was strained, but he seemed to handle it.

      I do have the support I need. My family and friends have been supportive. My girls (I have two amazing daughters) have been super great right now, thought they don’t know what is going on they know that I am just needing some extra attention right now. As far as blogging friends…well, many of my friends and family have not had to go through the stuff that I have. So, their perspective is a little different when dealing with stuff like this. They see stuff in black and white, where I am more of a 50 shades of grey person…pun intended 🙂

      As far as counseling as a new couple I don’t think so. Right now he is in flight mode. Meaning he wants as far away from this drama as he can get. His big pull towards me…I was a clean slate. I was his fresh start and now there is so much to work through, so much to discuss…I”m just like the others now. I got pulled into the triangle and he is exposed. He has done the work in a love triangle (not effectively), but work nonetheless. It has never had a good ending. That’s where his head is, I believe. Once all this got brought into the light everything else just went south. I don’t believe that he thinks people are loveable after something like this. I never told him that. I just think that is his experience.

      BTW…It is so good to talk to you again. I always love your posts and comments. I’m glad you are back. I hope your family vacation was good. I have missed you! I know you and complicit grace are friends. She and I talk through facebook and by phone. She deleted her blog, but she is doing well, at least the last time we spoke by phone she was doing well. She is real special to my heart and so are you!

  3. Wow. So much drama…I’m sorry your happiness was invaded upon by all of this. It would have been nice if he could have just dealt with all this crap without you getting sucked into it. Sounds like Shady still has claws into him in some way… old patterns are hard to break and she likely relies on that and is used to him coming back to her. Ugh.

    Where are you at emotionally with all of this?? What is it that you want to do?? Is there a way to extricate yourself from the drama and spend time with him focusing on other things? I personally would find that hard because I am someone that needs things to be resolved. I need answers and would be talking about it constantly until I knew Shady was out of the picture and that things with the ex wife were amicable. But if there is a way you can spend time with him without bringing it up…where both of you can just escape the drama even for a bit maybe you can see if this can still work out?

    I’m functioning on 2 hours of sleep, so my thoughts and comment may also just make zero sense here. Lol

    I just wish for you that you could have back the non drama relationship. I feel so sad for how things have turned with Mr. Perfect.

  4. Sassy, I am a lot like you. l need to talk about it. I need fix it. For almost 3 weeks it has been a never ending loop running through my head. In the beginning he would let me talk and just listen, but said very little back to me. In the past week he hasn’t wanted to talk, and has found reasons to get off the phone or to not talk to me. Also, he hasn’t wanted to get together. I have asked for that too, and he has found any reason he can to not see me.

    I think I have been dumped.

    Emotionally, I feel all over the place. Sometimes I feel ok. But mostly I have been not good. I will say my talk with Crazy really helped me to get some answers and it did help me to feel better. I’m glad we spoke.

    How are you doing? You make perfect sense. I hope you are going on 2 hours of sleep for a really great and fun reason! 🙂

  5. I am so disappointed in Mr. Perfect. 😦
    Sounds like he comes with a world full of drama and you don’t need that. Perhaps each relationship at this stage comes with some element of drama but Mr. Perfect seems to be an active participant in it and bails when he has to face it.

    I wish I had an exciting reason for no sleep! Lol. Unfortunately it was due to a crashing mirror in the middle of the night that woke me from my sleep. The mirror in our downstairs bathroom was one that was glued onto the vanity door…and the glue came loose apparently sending it crashing onto the sink and floor. I have never woken up with such a fright…and it took a long time for my heart to stop racing. And then after the clean up was done I laid in bed thinking about work stress and about B. I wish I could stop thinking about him. Fell asleep after 4:30 am and then woke before 7. Ugh. That about sums up how I am doing: ugh

    • And for the record…I love that word disappointed. I am disappointed too. It’s a great word in this situation. Thanks for sharing that, because it is such a great word, and I hadn’t even realized that was what I was feeling.

    • I haven’t shared this on my blog, but I will now. Back when I first separated from my husband, we were in separate bedrooms and not together. I had my first adult relationship. I say that, because I met my ex-husband when I was 14 and we got married at 18. This first adult relationship was with a man who was married. I knew he was married, but it was like we couldn’t stay away from each other. We fought it. My husband at the time was a lot like J. He was understanding and would often sit and hold me as I sobbed over this man. I mean I sobbed almost nightly for months. It was probably, even as I look back on my life the hardest thing I ever lived through. You know what? I got throught it. It wasn’t easy. I can remember driving in my car and sitting at stop lights…I would look at the people next to me and be jealous that they felt normal. I felt like my insides were being torn away from inside me, bit by bit, this was daily for months. I was in college at the time (I was a late in life student), and this would probably explain why I changed my major from mass communications to psychology and sociology. BTW…i’m still fascinated with human behavior. Anyways. it was the first relationship in many. It was the first of many heartbreaks, but the first one coming out of a “secure” marriage. I use the word secure marriage, because the marriage was safe but didn’t fill my needs. It is the first one that always takes our breath away the most. (Maybe this isn’t your first, but it sounds like it might be) Probably because we are used the security of “love”that comes from our marriages and it is hard to undersatnd how others can be different, but I just know that is the one that I grieved. I mean jsut hearthwrenchingly grieved. I did get past it though, but it took months. Maybe even years, but I did. He and I, years later, sat down and had a “come to Jesus talk” He’s divorced now, but the scars he left were too great. The trust too broken. Even though we aren’t together he has a reserved place in my heart. It came from a place innocence. I think about him sometimes, but not like I did. I did move on eventually and eventually I got to appreciate the part he played in my life. It does happen, but not without time. And man does it suck it when you are going through it. Big hugs to you!

      • Thank you so much for sharing that. It really does help to see how others have come through the other side of heartbreak and survived.

        I have had heart break before but this love with B is the strongest and harder because I have loved B for many many years, even when we were not together. Back when he and I first met in 2003 and dated then I fell in love with him but was able to get past it because he was not in a place I needed him to be (he was a heavy pot user back then and I had a teen son I didn’t want exposed to that) and when we reunited and started our affair we were both the people we wished each other had been years ago, he is now drug free and finally health focused and I hit my sexual prime and am ready to experiment (that’s what he was looking for back then. Although I had not known it). So it made sense that I would fall deeper in love with someone who I already had a strong connection with. We share so much in common and that makes this so hard. I try to focus on his negative qualities but even that is hard because there is so much I would forgive him for and I would be willing to help him grow (he is currently very open to self help and wants to better himself). He has made reference during our relationship that he fears emotional closeness, and that by choosing to stay in his relationship he was choosing distance because he can remain distant from C and her family, but if he chose me he would be close to me emotionally and would need to do that with my family etc and all that scares him. He could handle our closeness in small doses and he craved it but fears it. It finally made sense looking back over the two years why he would often say “I need to see you, I need closeness”. During our last contact two weeks ago he brought up how he craves the romantic intimate connection we had but still fears it and he has been reading and feels this comes from his childhood (disorganized attachment) . It’s hard to know he is working on this and I fear him one day being ready to choose me after the scars he has left have finally healed.

        I do hope to come through this as successfully as you have your first big love. I do believe I will but this will definitely leave a permanent mark on my heart.

        (and I fear I would never sleep again if someone had tried breaking in and then I was again awoken by something crashing down!!! Oh the heart attack I would have had!!)

      • You will get through it and it will make you stronger. As you get space and time I believe you will start to see him in a different light. At least that was my experience. Often it is the primary relationships we experience as children that create our capacity to be able to trust and build emotional attachments later. If we learn as children we can’t trust our parents we learn that nobody is trustworthy. It is something a lot of adults struggle with and don’t realize why. Unfortunately, it is one thing that many adults are never able to fully do if they have lived through a traumatic childhood.

  6. Ugh! I had that happen before. One of those suction cup things that holds big shampoo bottles in the shower fell in the middle of the night, but it was right after the security system had gone off. The police came and they said someone was trying to get in the back door. You could see marks in the door frame. So, after being woken up to that and the police leaving I was just lying down and trying to pull it together when the the thing in the shower fell. I don’t think I slept for nights after that. I can completely relate. I hope you are sleeping now! 🙂

    I agree with everything you said. All relationships at this stage come with something, but his reaction is almost worse than the mistake. I completely agree.

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