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Update on Mr. Perfect…

Yesterday marked two weeks since Mr. Perfect’s ex-girlfriend called me.  I won’t call her his fiance, because I know that isn’t true.  I have been an OW, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that wasn’t who I was in this situation.  However, I don’t think she was as much an “ex” as he made her out to be.  Some parts that I left out in my previous post…they have been on the same phone plan for over 3 years (that is how she got my phone number to call me) and he has her in an apartment. He doesn’t live with her, but he provides (he’s in a position to give her a free apartment without actually paying for it) the apartment for her and her daughter (the daughter has a chronic illness that costs a lot in medical expenses). By the way, I have had some people speculate that the daughter is his.  I don’t believe so, she is almost an adult herself and I don’t believe that to be true.

In the immediate aftermath, I didn’t want to talk to him much or see him.  He wanted to talk face to face.  He wanted to explain things.  I kept it to texting and phone conversations for four days. When I finally did see him, I wasn’t really open to making up just yet.  I still wanted answers and wanted to see some fight in him.  He just never put any fight in afterwards.

After that first initial night (the night she called me) he was all about making things right, etc. He was saying things like I will do whatever I need to do to make it better.  I will be an open book.  You can look at anything you want to.  I will make this right and prove to you that I am telling the truth. I will do whatever I have to do to make this work. etc… I told him that first night I just needed to some time to think.  I think I was still in shock and just didn’t want to make any rash decisions.

By the next day he was saying things like…I don’t blame you for hating me.  I don’t blame you for never wanting to talk to me again.  You deserve so much better.  I really screwed up.  I fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me and I deserve whatever I get. Which for the record, I never said I hated him, or I deserved better, or that I never wanted to talk to him again. Then he just stopped talking all together. Don’t get me wrong, we spent countless hours on the phone with me talking and him saying very, very little.  We talked (meaning he listened and I talked) about the things I needed to move forward. He said he would do them and then he never did.  All of sudden he wasn’t available. He pretty much stopped intiating contact and finding any excuse to cut the communication short or finding reasons he couldn’t get face to face, or talk to me, or text.  I wouldn’t accept the excuses, and he would pick the phone up anyways.  It was so frustrating and I just kept getting more angry and upset.

So exactly two weeks from the day she called me and turned my world upside down again…he dumped me.  He said he doesn’t think he is ready for a relationship.  He said that this was about him and not me.  He said he had too many loose ends he needed to take care of.  He was separated for a long time from his ex-wife, but they just finalized their divorce in September 2014. I didn’t start talking to him until the end of October 2014. However, even though the divorce is final (yes, I have seen the papers) many of their assests and financial things are still not settled.  The ex-wife, we’ll call her Crazy, and him don’t get along.  I know that this is true.  I have been friends with Crazy’s sister for 26 years and I know his ex-in-laws very well.  Even Crazy’s family don’t get along with Crazy.  They call her a bitch.  I know the other ex-in-laws well, but not Crazy.  Mr. Perfect and Crazy were married by the time I became friends with Crazy’s sister and just didn’t know them that well at the time.  But I know her own family doesn’t like her much.  BTW…my friend, his ex-sister-in-law, gave me her blessing about dating Mr. Perfect. My friend pretty much backs up everything he says about his Crazy. He has been really struggling with co-parenting and communicating with Crazy about many things.  Then he has this with the crazy ex girlfriend, we’ll call her Shady, because a lot of what she told me was shady.

So…that is what has happened in a nutshell.  I feel as if I have been in a hit and run.  One day we are talking about living together, splitting finances, raising children, bouncing grandbabies, and even talks of marriage and the next we are just in a downward spiral that I can’t stop.  I went from someone he couldn’t get enough time with, to someone he can’t even be around at all…overnight. I don’t think this is about Shady or Crazy.  He had all the time in the world before, and during the times we used to spend together we have been on the phone. To say I am confused, lost and so many other emotions is a complete understatement. I’m not the only one baffled.  All of my friends and family are just as confused.  They all witnessed first hand how much effort he put into our relationship and winning me over.  I haven’t told my girls yet, because in the few months we dated he got pretty close to my girls and our (his and mine) children became friends.

I feel lost and overwhelmed with sadness.  This was the first time I have been in a relationship where I felt so secure and safe.  He worked so hard to get me to that point.  He was everything you would want a guy to be.  He was affectionate, sensitive, strong, helpful, thoughtful, loving, kind, and all the nice adjectives I can think of.  He in a short amount of time became one of my best friends.

I really felt as though he and I were strong enough that we could get through this.  I could really use some advice.  Should I just let him be, or should I reach out and try.  I am too old to play games.  I have read and know what the books say about leaving them alone and going no contact. I will do that, but I don’t want to do it as a way of playing a game, hoping that he will come running back. I am just done with games.  I want to just move on, or move through this.  That is what I want.

My gut tells me this isn’t over.  My gut also knows that if he really wants out, there is nothing I can say or do to stop it. I love him. I really do. I fell in love. So, ladies and gentlemen…weigh in, please.  I would love to hear your stories and what you think.

Thanks for reading!

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24 thoughts on “Update on Mr. Perfect…

  1. Oh gosh golly. Ouch.

    First of all, all the hugs to you. Because you totally deserve them.

    Second of all, I think he needs time to sort himself out. So I’d vote to giving him that time. He sounds like he has quite a few things to sort out to be honest and yes, he may have made you feel secure and safe and worked at that… but you said it yourself in your post, he didn’t work on it afterwards.

    It’s easy to fall into the trap of hating yourself for decisions you’ve made. But if he can’t fight for you and what you both built, then why are you trying to fight for it alone?

    Yet, on the other hand I totally understand that you would want to stay with him and not want it to be over. Maybe you need to tell him that you don’t want him out of your life and that once he’s sorted himself out that he can reach out to you so you can re-kindle.

    Maybe at that point he’ll be in a better position to give you what you need? And in that time you can see if he still ticks your boxes after you’ve had time away from this whole issue because you may just change your mind instead of waiting for him…

    Sometimes I hate that I see the whole picture because I can’t give you the answers you need dearling. This is something you’re going to have to entirely self assess and decide how you want to go forward.

    All the virtual hugs coming your way though.

  2. Hi there, I don’t know the history but from what I read it sounds like he has his own battles he is facing. I would give him some time. If you don’t feel like it has anything to do with either ex (doesn’t sound like it), then he may just need some time for everything to mellow out. I think one of the hardest battles in a relationship is accepting that the other person may not react to a situation the same way we would.

  3. I remember reading something once that likened men to elastic bands. They will pull away. If we chase them they will keep pulling away, but if we give them time and space, they will ‘ping’ back at us, stronger and more dedicated and committed. I have seen it happen on numerous occasions. While it may seem like a game, for them it is them hiding out in their man cave until they have a solution to their situation. I say give him some space and if in a months time you still want to see if there is a chance follow him up and see where he is at. Not that I know much about dating! Lol. But best wishes xx

      • Every time he felt “hurt” or vulnerable with me, he would run for the hills (I always said it was to punish me for ‘hurting’ him). When he felt ‘comfortable’ enough to come back to me, he would. And he would let himself get a tiny bit closer to me each time before he ran away.

        I just can’t take it another time. Communication is more important to me than making sure my partner hurts as much as I do.

      • I’m not sure I’m the one who did the hurting, but I definitely think that being on the side of hurting me, made him feel vulnerable. I have had the experience in the past that a guy will cut and run and then they are back almost begging and making any promises they can to make it better. For a while it does seem to get better, but then the same stuff happens again.

        I agree communication is very key. And running away is definitely not something that I think should happen. Smitten, you shouldn’t have to take it another time. And I shouldn’t be the one trying to make amends. He needs to be doing that.

        I hope you are doing ok. (((Hugs))) this dating thing is hard!

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