Home » Uncategorized » Wow…so much has changed…

Wow…so much has changed…

It has been a while since I have posted.  Life has just been hectic. I got a new job, I am wrapping up my custody trial.  I haven’t seen W in a very long while.  I ended things and started seeing a new guy.  This new guy was pretty perfect in all the ways.  I met him at Church in late October, and shortly after we started dating.  He seemed to be an answer to every prayer I ever had.  He was good to me, good to my girls.  My family and friends loved him. My girls loved him.  I loved him.

Then last Tuesday… I had my D-Day…A woman called me claiming to be my new boyfriend’s fiance. It came out of no where. I mean out of no where.  I felt the floor collapse.  This isn’t the first time I have been called by a woman to tell me she was messing with the man I was commited to, but in the past I had suspected something.  I suspected nothing with my new guy…We’ll call him Mr. Perfect, because that is what I thought he was for a long time. So, there I am stunned, feeling the air sucked out of me, as I was listening to this woman cry and carry on on the other end of the line.  What she was saying didn’t make sense.  You see, I had been introduced and taken to Mr. Perfect’s parents house several times. I see him at church. I have met his teenage daughter several times.  His family and friends know me as his girlfriend, and now there is this woman on the other end telling me she is engaged to Mr. Perfect and they have been together for six years!

The aftermath of that phone call is pretty much a blur.  I texted Mr. Perfect and told him I was on the phone with his fiance.  He texted back…fiance? To which I replied yes, and gave him her name. He said he would call in a minute and that it wasn’t what I was thinking.  She was on the way to his house (she had told me that while I was on the phone with her).  I knew his daughter was home so I gave him a heads up that she was on her way to house, because his daughter doesn’t need to be caught in the middle of this.  What followed next was 100 minutes of waiting to hear from him.  Those were the longest minutes of silence from him.  When he finally called he said she was an ex-girlfriend of his and that they had never been engaged.  He explained her away as a person who is crazy in the 270 minutes we talked after that.  Don’t they all descibe us that way when they get caught?

However, the biggest things that stuck out in my head…men who are married or engaged…

…Don’t take the OW around their parents and children and introduce them publicly as their girlfriend.

…Don’t go out to eat in public restaurants in the small town where they live with their OW.

…Don’t pick up the phone every time the OW calls no matter the time of day.

…Don’t introduce their OW to their co-workers as their girlfriend.

…Don’t take them to their house with their children home to have family dinners.

I still haven’t figured out what is going on, but I don’t necessarily believe her story either.  There is more to the story, that is just too much to write and go into.

This has all gotten me thinking.  In the 8 years since I split from my ex-husband and in the dating I have done, not one of the guys I got serious with was the relationship just us.  All of them, All 8 of them, there has been someone else in the picture.  Either I was knowingly/unknowingly the OW, or there was another woman in the picture in which I was the betrayed partner.  All of them have been love triangles even if I didn’t know it.  The question:  Does dating after 30 automatically mean you will always have a third party in the relationship?  Do people ever really break away from ex with whom they were once serious about?  Once attached to a partner are you always attached to that partner in someway?

I am doing OK.  Believe it or not, this has happened to me so many times.  There have been so many D-days for me.  D-days in which I discovering my partner has another woman in his life, that I have developed coping skills.  I have learned how to muddle through it.  I have learned how to put my big girl panties on.  I did think this one was different.  I did think that meeting a guy at church and knowing the family and friends would protect me somewhat from that, but even still it happens.  If you can’t meet a guy in church, then where can you meet a guy?

And here is the thing…I’m not mad at this lady who called me.  I don’t think I was the OW in this case, I do believe she is an ex, who doesn’t want to let go.  However, I am not hurt by her and I don’t think bad things about her. Do I want to be her friend? No. Do I want to talk to her again? No. Do I wish her well? I do. Did she throw my new relationship with Mr. Perfect in a tailspin? Yes.

I haven’t seen him since D-day.  Not because he hasn’t wanted to, but because I haven’t let him come over.  For now I am taking the time to sort out my feelings and emotions.  It took a lot for me to pull myself out of the love triangle with W I don’t want to put myself in the middle of another love triangle.  No matter what his relationship with this woman was/is it sounds as if he still has some unfinished business.

Thus is the life of dating post-divorce and after 30.  But, damn I sure thought this one was different….


16 thoughts on “Wow…so much has changed…

  1. Oh my! It sounds like she is an ex who just can’t let go. Likely learning that he moved on threw her for a loop and she is trying to hang on to him by getting you out of the picture. I believe him. He would not have brought you around everyone if he was engaged to her. It just doesn’t make sense. I’m sorry your relationship has been affected by his ex’s craziness 😦

    • Thanks Sassy 🙂 Yeah, it has thrown me for a loop. I did know that he had this ex, but he made their relationship seem much more “done” than it was. This lady had never met his parents or daughter, until recently when she started showing up on people’s doors. I still don’t want to get involved in ex drama, I have daughters of my own to think about. But, he sure was good to me before all of this. He has kind of disappeared. I don’t know what to think. He acts almost ashamed and keeps saying that I deserve to be with someone better. It is all very confusing.

      He hasn’t put a lot of effort into trying to fight for us or me. So…. that’s where I am right now.

      • Oh no, that doesn’t sound good at all, and I can see why you would feel hesitant. He should be stepping up and reassuring you and fighting to be with you at this point. Someone who walks away at the sign of trouble or hard work is not someone you need or want. His pulling back right now is bothersome!

      • I agree. 100%. I think this ex and him have a long history of on/off again. I think they were off when we met and when she tried to start back up again he wouldn’t. However, the disappearing act is what has me concerned too. There is very little fight in him at this point.

      • Oh Geez. He really should have made sure they were well into the “off” phase before getting so involved with someone new. Do you worry that he is considering being back “on” again with her? I don’t like when guys behave this way. They need to know what they want and fight for it! I hope you get some answers from him soon!!!

      • I don’t think he is back on again. I don’t like it either. However, everything in my head tells me he is “mostly” on the the up and up, but my past is telling me I have been here before. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond…How are you doing? I have been reading…I know you are going through a lot right now.

  2. Oh no. So sorry that you have to go through this! It’s insane. I was in agreement with Sassy about crazy-ex. But reading your response to her – about him that has kind of disappeared and saying you deserve someone better worries me….. Damn. I would speculate that he had this whirlwind thing with ex – and knew it was not going to last – otherwise why keep her a secret? And then he did not end things properly with her and now she’s acting craziness?

    • I think at one point it was a serious relationship. Then they did the on/off thing that a lot of couples do over the span of time after they break up. The story is almost so crazy it is hard to believe it. I haven’t gotten into a lot of the details. The disappearing act is a big concern for me. He’s been available by phone, but I haven’t let him come near me since this and he is mostly quiet.

  3. Oh my. What a messy messy thing to live through 😦

    Maybe you should see him and ask him point blank about this other relationship and any questions you have in regards to it. He’s the only person that’s going to be able to answer them and from what you’ve described, someone who is seeing someone else doesn’t behave the way he has been with you.

    Maybe he’s just as taken aback by this as you are and doesn’t want to push you away.

    Either way, good luck…

    • I did finally see him face to face today, but it was awkward. I don’t believe a lot of her story, but I do think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. He didn’t tell me because he felt there was something to hide, but her story doesn’t make sense.

      It is messy, but I am beginning to think dating at this stage in life is just messy.

      I agree. I have been around the block long enough to know this woman is not his fiance, or really that important of a person. There is a lot of back story I didn’t share, but I believe him mostly.

      We did finally sit down and talk today, tonight. I think we both found our voices.

      I think I have PTSD, relationship PTSD from going through this before. I think he has a messy past which doesn’t help. I guess everyone does at this point in the dating if they make it here.

      Thanks for your comment! It means a lot that you took the time to write!

      • I’m glad to hear that you guys both found your voices.

        Being that I hear you on the relationship PTSD – I’ve been there myself and am finding I struggle, even now with my own relationship.

        But I guess we all have messy pasts don’t we? For me, it’s about talking about it with my partner so that he can support me through my insanity though. And I think that’s what you guys need to do in order to get through this. That is, if you want to get through it.

        And that’s actually be totally honest with each other and what you want from each other, where is it all going? What happened before? How do you both move forward and fix it.

        Without the will to fix what’s awkward or broken or just plain hurtful, weird, wacky and everything else you get in relationships then there’s no point going on.

        At least that’s how I know that this one might be a keeper. No matter how insane my insecurities or self doubt may be, he always turns it around and makes me feel that we are solid in what we have and nothing can break that.

        I guess what I’m trying to say in my convoluted way is that it sounds like you guys need a glass of wine and a deep and meaningful 🙂

      • Yes! Yes! Yes! on so many levels! I think he might be keeper. Nobody at this age comes as a blank slate. I’m not excluded from that. Obviously, I am carrying my own baggage.

        I was upfront and honest about my past. On my second with him, I told him about W. It wasn’t easy admitting, but I knew that family and friends knew and I didn’t want him to be blindsided. I wasn’t attached to him at that point so if he walked, he walked. But he didn’t walk. He hung around and waited patiently (over the course of two days, and early in the relationship) while I did I needed to do to end things with W.

        He has been patient, kind and all kinds of wonderful.

        We were making plans to live together. I mean active plans. Like, seriously talking about buying a house together kind of plans.

        I’m so glad you might have found your keeper! I felt that was him, for me. I thought the craziness might be all me, until I got that call. Of all the calls I have gotten this one was the most shocking. I mean I have sat through calls of women telling me this or that, but this one…it came out of no where. I mean…no where. I think I said a 1000 times as she was asking questions…this is a conversation you need to have with Mr. Perfect…because I thought I was being pranked. If I could go back, I would ask a lot of things. She called from a private number, but he has given it to me now. I haven’t called it, but I do know it is her’s from reverse phone call look up.

        But do I really want to be that girl? I feel so Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City right now. 🙂 Thanks for telling me your opinion and experience. It really does help!

      • I think no body at any age who has had a few relationships comes with a blank slate. Our baggage takes many forms and sometimes I think I don’t have any until I get into a relationship and figure out that I actually do!

        He sounds like he wants to hang around, so maybe it’s time you asked him to be honest with you about his past. It’s the only way you can move forward and maybe tell him that too. Sometimes I forget that men are a bit emotionally challenged and don’t think about things like actually talking about it so that you know where he stands and it makes you secure in what you guys have. And I sometimes mention to my man the same thing – that without open honesty I can’t feel secure. If there’s a hint of secrecy then I start to feel that he’s got something to hide and that erodes my belief in our relationship so quickly that I can’t even begin to describe it.

        As for the other woman, I’d definitely not go there. If you have questions you should ask him. She did the wrong thing in calling you, she’s not going to tell you anything that is going to help you. If anything she may spin more lies which is only going to harm your relationship. Let him answer those questions instead. And don’t let him get away with half truths, grill him and ask those hard questions if you must.

        Hehehe I wish I could be like Carrie Bradshaw! Or at least own her shoes… And no problem. I know sometimes it just helps knowing you aren’t alone and hearing other’s experiences could help you in yours. And if it helps then my work here is done 🙂

      • Wow! There are so many words of truth here. I have felt all of those things. As I was reading, I was like yes, yes, yes….especially, on the part of not knowing your own baggage until you are in a relationship again.

        I haven’t called the ex, because I know with the first phone she wasn’t honest. So, I know she wouldn’t tell me the truth and anything she said would be to fulfill her own agenda. I just didn’t like her having my number, but she hid behind private. Having the number was just to level the playing field. Not that I will do anything with it, but it makes me feel better.

        He has sat through endless phone conversations. A lot. Even I am sick of them. He has’t said a word to let me he is, even though he has to be. And he has let me grill him. Repeatedly. And he took it like a champ and offered up any tangible thing he could.

        We had another lengthy one tonight. To which I finally said I can’t talk anymore. He said call when you are ready…I am good.

        And Carrie Bradshaw…her shoes are amazing, but it was her friends that made her remarkable! Girls and their support of each other is amazing. I could never figure out why many women try to knock each other down. Us , and our vaginas would rule the world if we didn’t tear each other apart! 🙂 Thanks again! Truly, truly helpful! Sometimes we just need the advice of other women! 🙂

      • I’m glad you can see some correlations 🙂

        And honestly, it sounds like you’re both on the right road to making it work for you and that’s something to be commended with him! And you too!

        And you’re right. I would much rather stand with my fellow females than against them and I think we could take over the world if we wanted to with that kind of support.

        I do wish you all the luck in sorting this out though 🙂

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