Home » Uncategorized » There is blue in his eyes…

There is blue in his eyes…

Yesterday, W and I were sitting outside and I noticed the blue ring around the iris of his eye.  He has big, brown eyes that melt me, but every now and then I catch a glimpse of this blue ring around his iris.  I tell him how I like the blue circle in his eyes…he laughs at me and thinks I am seeing things.  Today, he texts me that he looked in the mirror this morning and he saw the blue in his eyes that I was talking about.  Then follows up with a little message about how I notice things that nobody has ever noticed about him.

God, I love that man.  I love him with the depth and wonderment I love my children.  You remember how when your kids were babies you studied every square inch of their little bodies, kissed every inch, knew every laugh and cry, everything they did was so cute, you couldn’t stop looking at them.  That is the depth of love I feel for him.  I have never loved a man like I love him.  I didn’t even know it was possible to love a man with that much depth.  I could literally stare at him for hours and not get bored.  I love to look at him, to smell him, to feel the warmth of his touch, to listen to him laugh, to hold his hand.  I just enjoy him.

I know that every woman in my shoes feels the way that I do.  That their love is unique and special and I am no exception.  I toss around in my head the idea of moving on…Being the OW is so painful.  It is a path riddled with peaks and valleys, secrets, guilt, ecstasy, heartache, longing…it is a story of unrequitted love. Not unrequitted in that you know the joys of holding them, kissing them, feeling their body against yours…but you will never know what it is like to have their mother hug you, to have him announce to the world that he loves you, to stand next to him at public events or to wake daily with him knowing he isn’t going to another shortly.

He says I know him better than anyone, even himself.  Maybe I do, but to be fair I don’t know him outside of this affair.  I don’t see him in his day to day life.  I have never seen him with his children, or interact with his mom and dad, or hang out with a friend, or nursed him back to health when he was sick.  I may be the keeper of his secrets, but I don’t know him outside of the affair. I don’t know him the way his wife, family and friends know him.  He is a private person.  He guards his secrets and holds his emotions in check.  I know his biggest secret…me…but really that is all I know really.  I don’t share his history.

When he says I know him…He means I know everything he has allowed me to see.  I can trace his body with my fingers.  I know how he showers, I can trace his freckles and moles with my fingers. I know his body well and what he likes.  I know his sense of humor and what makes him laugh. I know the touches and words that set his body on fire.  I can look at a menu and know what he will order.  I know what emotion he is feeling by looking on his face.  I know what time my phone will ding with the first text message of the day.  I know that after approximately 2 weeks he will get the itch to see me.  I know the music he will like and a TV show he will find enjoyable.  I know how he will react when I am upset.  I know how he acts when he is upset. I know the first places his fingers will touch when he reaches out to hold me.  I know what his lips will feel like on mine, or what his breath will smell like.  I could draw him with my eyes closed.  I know what drinks he will order from a bar.  I know what he smells like after sex.  I know the breathing changes that occur and when he is close to climax.  I know him sexually inside and out.  I know the things to say to get him going.  What turns him on and what turns him off.  I can tell when he is sleepy.  I know the position he will wake up in.  And what the smoothness of his back will feel like as curl into him to sleep.  I know what his fingers feel like as he shampoos my hair.

I know him, but I don’t know him.  I will never measure up to the history he shares with his wife and family.

There is blue in his eyes…




21 thoughts on “There is blue in his eyes…

    • Sadly, if you have been here it will resonate.

      Hey, keep writing. Don’t let Nephila deter you. Most of us OW on here blacklist her. You can message me and I can tell you how. You will never see another comment from her, she will go straight to spam and you never have to see it again if you don’t want. It is pointless to post it and even respond. When you back her in a corner she slithers away, but she always comes back and she never has anything helpful to add to the conversation and never offers another perspective other than hate. She really is a sad person with no growth. Your best to just ignore her. She is our *only* troll and we are all pretty united on our thoughts about her. I have spoken privately with some of the BSs on here and her comments on their pages make them cringe, and some have reached out over her comments on our pages to express they don’t all feel like her. Some of the BSs find her comments repulsive and apprehensible. So, it isn’t just us. Keep typing away! Get your story out there and hold your head up! 🙂

  1. Hey, great read. I will read more of your stuff I promise! I am right there with you (although male and in love with a woman, etc. 🙂 ) Anyways, judging by the other comments it looks like you have a hater that many of us have. If you haven’t been to http://beinghertheotherwoman.wordpress.com/ yet, that is a good read too! Good luck on your journey, and I will definitely read more. I understand this deep, confusing love!

  2. This is beautiful. Strange how you know love when you feel it. Its like when a bomb goes off in a movie and the scene is completely silent because the character is so overwhelmed that they cannot hear or speak or respond or react. They just know that something beyond anything they have every known just happened.

  3. and yet, as much as we don’t see them in their every day lives, we make do with the glimpses. perhaps it’s because we are stripped bare, no pun intended, in the moment we find with one another.

    • You know I have thought that too. My MM has told me though he keeps the truth from me to protect me from things he feels might be painful. Unfortunately, I don’t think either she nor I see the “real” him.

      This brings up something I have throught on for a long time. When I read the words of BS and having been there myself, a big chunk of the hurt is feeling like you are on the outside. Feeling like things were done behind your back, people (your spouse) talking bad about your behind your back, feeling like the butt of the joke, the humiliation factor. After living it, I almost think that is worse than actually infiidelity…But the truth is the OW is often left out in the cold too. There are so many secrets and lies handed out our way too. I have noticed something talking to OW. I think MM are more honest about their home life with their wives if the OW is married as well. When the OW is single I don’t think they are are as forthcoming with information. It as if, if the two are married they have that shared experience of having to live a double life and they feel the AP will be more forgiving and understanding and I don’t think the expectations are as high because both are balancing a home life and the affair. Just my thoughts.

      I hope you are doing well! Oh, and I dropped you an email. I don’t know if you got it. Big hug!

  4. Oh my, this post hits so close to home and on a day that I’m feeling a bit more sensitive it squeezes my heart.

    I had an affair and you are so right on many accounts. Especially the one in your latest comment about both APs being married and the level of information that is shared. When my AP was married (briefly during our relationship) we shared a lot more about our home life. Once he was divorced and I was still married, I shared less of my home life. We lost that mutual “situation”.

    I know what he and I had within our bubble of secrecy but that’s all I know and all I’ll ever know. I’ll never know what we would have had in the real world….could have been the best thing in the world or we may have found out that “we” didn’t work in the real world.

    Thank you for following me. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    • Yes, I agree with you. I think I would feel differently if I were married too. I think my guy would feel the same too. He gets really jealous and I think if he thought I was going home to lie in bed with another man, or wearing another man’s wedding ring…He would feel differently as well. I look forward to reading your story as well. Hang in there. (hugs)

  5. Pingback: Relationship Rambles: A Relatable and Recommended Blog | So, We Need to Talk.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s