Yesterday, W and I were sitting outside and I noticed the blue ring around the iris of his eye. He has big, brown eyes that melt me, but every now and then I catch a glimpse of this blue ring around his iris. I tell him how I like the blue circle in his eyes…he laughs at me and thinks I am seeing things. Today, he texts me that he looked in the mirror this morning and he saw the blue in his eyes that I was talking about. Then follows up with a little message about how I notice things that nobody has ever noticed about him.
God, I love that man. I love him with the depth and wonderment I love my children. You remember how when your kids were babies you studied every square inch of their little bodies, kissed every inch, knew every laugh and cry, everything they did was so cute, you couldn’t stop looking at them. That is the depth of love I feel for him. I have never loved a man like I love him. I didn’t even know it was possible to love a man with that much depth. I could literally stare at him for hours and not get bored. I love to look at him, to smell him, to feel the warmth of his touch, to listen to him laugh, to hold his hand. I just enjoy him.
I know that every woman in my shoes feels the way that I do. That their love is unique and special and I am no exception. I toss around in my head the idea of moving on…Being the OW is so painful. It is a path riddled with peaks and valleys, secrets, guilt, ecstasy, heartache, longing…it is a story of unrequitted love. Not unrequitted in that you know the joys of holding them, kissing them, feeling their body against yours…but you will never know what it is like to have their mother hug you, to have him announce to the world that he loves you, to stand next to him at public events or to wake daily with him knowing he isn’t going to another shortly.
He says I know him better than anyone, even himself. Maybe I do, but to be fair I don’t know him outside of this affair. I don’t see him in his day to day life. I have never seen him with his children, or interact with his mom and dad, or hang out with a friend, or nursed him back to health when he was sick. I may be the keeper of his secrets, but I don’t know him outside of the affair. I don’t know him the way his wife, family and friends know him. He is a private person. He guards his secrets and holds his emotions in check. I know his biggest secret…me…but really that is all I know really. I don’t share his history.
When he says I know him…He means I know everything he has allowed me to see. I can trace his body with my fingers. I know how he showers, I can trace his freckles and moles with my fingers. I know his body well and what he likes. I know his sense of humor and what makes him laugh. I know the touches and words that set his body on fire. I can look at a menu and know what he will order. I know what emotion he is feeling by looking on his face. I know what time my phone will ding with the first text message of the day. I know that after approximately 2 weeks he will get the itch to see me. I know the music he will like and a TV show he will find enjoyable. I know how he will react when I am upset. I know how he acts when he is upset. I know the first places his fingers will touch when he reaches out to hold me. I know what his lips will feel like on mine, or what his breath will smell like. I could draw him with my eyes closed. I know what drinks he will order from a bar. I know what he smells like after sex. I know the breathing changes that occur and when he is close to climax. I know him sexually inside and out. I know the things to say to get him going. What turns him on and what turns him off. I can tell when he is sleepy. I know the position he will wake up in. And what the smoothness of his back will feel like as curl into him to sleep. I know what his fingers feel like as he shampoos my hair.
I know him, but I don’t know him. I will never measure up to the history he shares with his wife and family.
There is blue in his eyes…