Feelings stuffing…

The last couple of weeks of have been weeks of THOSE days.  You know the days I am talking about.  The days where you just go through the motions trying to minimize the hurt feelings and keep your smile.  I realized I have been stuffing my feelings down to the point I have no where left to stuff them.  I feel like a ticking bomb waiting to go off.

I have so much going on, the biggest of which is a custody battle over my children.

I have had my children on my own for over six years.  My ex saw them infrequently as he moved over 400 miles away from us. This last year my ex and I have lived in the same town and he has taken more of an interest in them. Back in the spring he filed for sole custody and requested child support from me.  He had been in my home the night before as I had just gotten back from chaperoning a weekend school trip with my oldest daughter.  He brought the younger one home and came in while I was telling him about things that happened during the school trip.  The next day a court officer delivered the papers.  It was like a kick in the teeth. For those of you following my story, the day I was served papers was the same day I ended the no contact with W.  It was just too much at one time.

Now, my ex is a man who has never paid child support to me, I never asked for it.  This isn’t about whether he thinks I am a good mother, in fact he has told me that he believes I am an excellent mother, a little over protective, but an excellent mother nonetheless.  I have two beautiful, well adjusted daughters who are doing well in school.  I am at every school function, know their teachers well, volunteer at their schools to the point that everyone knows me.  For the last ten years I have gotten them to and from school, packed lunches, did homework, chaperoned trips, worked school parties, did fundraisers…I am an active mother.  A month before the papers were filed I moved into a new place and he got scared I would come after him for child support.  So he decided to he didn’t want to pay (not that I had filed or even mentioned child support to him) so he filed for custody and child support.  Needless to say, things between he and I have been tense at best since that.  Before that we were amicable.  Very amicable.

Things with W are at a stalemate.  Nothing has changed there.  I am miserable with how the relationship is, and he isn’t.  So nothing changes.  He likes it this way.  He wants it this way.  So…no motivation=no change. I am so frustrated. Between feeling powerless with the custody case (unless you agree to hand over your kids and pay child support to an absent father I am forced to pay thousands of dollars to the legal system to keep my childre…no power in that) and feeling powerless to make changes in my relationship with W…I feel powerless.  I realize that I have two choices with W…either continue you on playing by his rules or end it.  The ending it scares me.  The what if questions…

Will I be strong enough to get through it?

What if I hold out just a bit longer?

What if I never feel the way I do in W’s arms in another man’s arms?

However, my self esteem, confidence, feelings or worthiness have all taken such a hit.  I almost don’t care anymore.  I just want the hurt to end.  I wonder if the hurt will be worse after than it is now.  There is no joy in being the OW for me.  The little bits of time I get with him are huge price to pay for the damage it does to my wellbeing.  I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know something has to change.  Somehow, some way I have to find a way to take control over my life again.  I know what I want…for myself, my children, my love life…this is not it.