The art of letting go isn’t always an easy one, but a lesson I have been trying to learn for the last 6 months…well, most of my adult life really. The past 18 months really has been a whirlwind of change for me in my life.
18 months ago was when my finace told me he didn’t know if marriage or even being with me was what he wanted…3 months later I would find out it was because he had gotten another woman pregnant.
15 months ago I met W. He turned my world upside, and though I had been contemplating a move to a new city 300 miles away he sealed the deal.
13 months ago I found out the love of my life was married.
11 months ago I moved to the new city.
3 months ago I moved to the current place I live. I also ended things with W when I realized he was not going to leave his wife or keep the promises he made.
2 months ago, because I have an ex who doesn’t like to pay child support I got served with papers where he was seeking full custody of my kids…that is still on going, but the judge in our case thinks he is crazy, but still a never ending battle of legal crap. This was also the time I reached out to W, because the heartache of losing him with the combination of possibly losing my kids was more than I could handle. The possiblity of losing my kids is now passed, but at the time I didn’t know that.
Today…Because of custody issues with the kids, two moves in less than a year’s time, stuff with W, learning my ex-fiance had fathered a child with another woman while we were together, friends who have come in and out of my life (mostly because of my moves)…I am learning the art of letting go, or more accurately how to turn off the emotions.
I like to think I am a sweet person with compassion for people. Someone who can see outside the box of societal norms. If you could meet anyone who knows me personally and well, they would say my biggest flaw is I care too much for people, and I trust too easily. I would say my biggest flaw is because I care so much people, I tend to overextend myself. I don’t think that people can ever care too much. This world needs more compassion and caring people in it.
I think I have finally hit a place, where I need to let go. Let go of the people who don’t give back, let go of the crazy emotions that stop me from achieving my goals…Just let go of the things I cannot control.
I miss W. I still hear from him, but things just aren’t the same. They haven’t been the same since December…it is time for me to re-evaluate and just look at what I really want out of life…for me and my children. It is time. I am tired of putting on a happy face for the sake of facing the world…I want to be happy. I want someone in my life that wants to share my life with me, that will be there, where I am important to them. I want a companion. I want a friend. I want a lover that is just mine.
It has been a whirlwind…but I think I am approaching the full circle mark. I want only positive people and positive emotions in my life. I feel change brewing, and I know I can’t start the next chapter unless I end the current chapter. That chapter ending will either come in the form of him living his truth (or the truth he tells me is his truth, may not be his real truth), or I start living my truth with a person who can be completely available. Either way I know this chapter has run its course. So, as I learn the art of letting go, I hope that I stand strong and true to me and what I really need out of the people I bring into my life.