Home » Uncategorized » Where has the time gone???

Where has the time gone???

Has it really been almost 3 weeks since my last blog update?

I get on here everyday and read what you all are doing, but I haven’t actually posted what is going on with me and W.  So, here it goes.

We are doing well.  A couple of weeks ago he came to visit me and we spent a weekend together enjoying each others company.  We went to some family parties for a little bit one afternoon, and he met some more of my family he hadn’t met before.  We again discussed us getting married and what it will be like when he actually decides to get divorced and what he is facing financially, emotionally and physically.  He is quite aware of what that will entail, or at least he is aware as he can be without actually having gone through it.  He is still scared, still wants everyone to be ok, still feels somewhat stuck.  I understand, I have been where he is.  I know the difficulty of what he is facing.  We discussed him seeking counseling to help him deal with some of those emotions and to get advice on the best way to help everyone get through this and recover.  He still maintains that he wants to leave his marriage and he doesn’t want to be married to his wife, but he is very unsure how to go about getting out without hurting his children or her.  This is a very real concern for him, and for me if I am honest.

I am not concerned about him not leaving.  I believe that he will, when it is right, but I am concerned about him, his wife and his children.  I too want what is best for everybody, and want them all to come through this with as little pain as possible.  Should I feel guilty?  Some people might think I should, but when I met W he was looking for something.  His life was not happy at home.  He was on the internet looking for something that was not being met at home.  He was searching for a way to make himself happy and to put a band aid on the loneliness he felt.  Maybe the way he went about that is wrong, but he didn’t want to hurt his family, he wanted to feel better.  Some people call that selfish, I call it self preservation, and he was trying to preserve his family.  However, if someone is that unhappy at home and they feel like they need something on the side in order to feel better, and they don’t feel their marriage is fixable…it is probably best that they leave the marriage.  Best for everyone involved.  I don’t believe someone should stay married for the sake of staying married when they are miserable and have been for years.

So, I am trying to be the best friend I can to him.  I am trying to sit back and let him weigh his options and figure out what he needs to do for himself and for his family.  So, he and I continue to move closer to each other, and he is still mulling over the different scenerios in his head.  However, I know that we will be ok, he will be ok, and his family will be ok, but it will take time to get there.

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16 thoughts on “Where has the time gone???

  1. Most people write when they are sad and being that you aren’t, that may explain the three weeks….
    I agree that no person should stay in a dead end marriage but they should work to give it life until it has truly died. If he truly wants out, he has to allow the truama to be what it must. If he is happier in your arms, he must celebrate you with the world. Divorce takes time for all involved but everyone will get over it and progress. If he speaks to his children openly, they will understand that he is unhappy and need to find happiness. If he is truly unhappy, his wife will step aside because “Love” means being in the other person’s best interest over your emotions….but if she believes in “self-preservation” (like you do) she has every right to keep him in a unhappy relationship if it benefits her. I know that things happen, like falling “in Love” with someone who isnt your wife, but I advise you to ” encourage him to clean his house before building one with you”. Follow your heart but dont allow it to cloud your mind!!!!

    • Thank you so much for the comment.

      You are so right on many accounts. I have been overall pretty happy lately. Also, I agree he should work to give his marriage full life until it has died. He said he had given it his all for many years, and finally gave up.

      I think for him, and probably for many others, he thrives on approval, acceptance and pleasing people. He is not one of those people that shrug off negative opinions of him from others. It bothers him very much what others think. There is nothing concrete that most people in society accept as a reason for leaving. Meaning, his wife didn’t cheat (that he is aware of, I wonder about some of the things he says though), there isn’t constant arguing, or abuse, etc. He just isn’t happy . He struggles so much with justifing leaving a marriage and turning his children’s world and his wife’s upside down simply because he is not happy. We live in a society where we say that is not a good enough reason to leave, you must stay and work it out.

      He is afraid of the backlash from his kids mostly. His children are mostly adult children, only one is underage and still lives at home, and that one is close to being an adult. He has discussed getting counseling to help him resolve these feelings. He is also scared of the financial hit too. I guess I have been in his shoes a long time ago and I know how difficult it is to look your kids in the eyes when they are hurting and say it is because I just am not happy anymore. So incredibly difficult and so hard to pull that trigger. He’s getting there.

      I loved what you said about his wife keeping him out of self-preservation. That is so spot on and accurate. Humans are creatures of habit and it is a 20 year marriage where everyone has gotten “comfortable.” I am encouraging him to do what is right for everyone, without pushing. And if what is right is he and I end our affair so he can fix his marriage, I will honor that, but he says it is not. I am trying to treat him how I would want to be treated in the same situation.

      Thank you again for the comment! So spot on! 🙂

      • You’re welcome…. do you Love him???? Do you want to spend the rest of your life catering to an insecurity???? Approval is a healthy thing, when it aligns with our goals; his children are old enough to understand that being a father is separate from being a husband. Acceptance comes from first accepting the decisions you want to be accepted for….your with a man that will never take responsibility for himself. Pretending to please others but searchig for ways to please himself by keep everything without sacrificing anything. I understand divorces can be expensive, but when you measure life’s happiness by money, the price is based on a person’s priorities. He seems like a man every woman wants to take care of because he appeals the their innate sense of belonging but without him standing up, you will forever be sitting on the sidelines waiting. If you courage him to do something, he will resent you for the backlash. He needs to learn to be accountable and stop hiding behind others feels to hide his own.

      • Interesting perspective. Lots of great things to think about in here. And I agree with a lot of what you have said.

        I do love him very much so, and he does appeal to my innate sense of belonging. I loved that. That is very insightful. I need to think more on that.

        I will say, he has never resented me for pushing him to do something. I never pushed him to leave his marriage until he said he wanted to get married and wanted a future with me and said he wanted out. He did that on his own, after that I did encourage him to move forward.

        Lots of stuff to think about here. 🙂 Thank you.

      • That’s my gift….but do think because your happiness is important. One more thing to think about, who wants to get married without believing they can risk it all???? People talk marriage but the action mean never fearing the outcome because it’s a faith. Think if marriage is his intentions, nothing will stop him….self-preservation; remember….

  2. Divorce is painful and there is no getting around that. However, it is cleaner than the mess an affair causes. Imagine if his affair was discovered the impact that would have upon his children and wife. Putting off the inevitable is wasting not only his time but his wife’s and your’s as well. She could be spending this time healing so she can move forward and find someone who will love her in the manner she deserves. Were not getting any younger. Pain is unavoidable. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but it is part of being alive.

    • I agree. He’s getting there. We are getting there. He is certain this is what he wants, but he is just scared, and uncertain how to do it and what I will look like when he is through it. I think the counseling is good idea to help him deal with that.

      • I agree the counseling will be very helpful….I know therapy and my solitude has been very valuable to me.

      • miss you…I imagine I will be ready to join the rest of the world in a few weeks…or sooner….will be ready for exposure therapy by then…yaaayyyyy 😀

      • Yayyyy!!!! I miss you too!

        Oh, and I forgot to mention, I agree. I think he would best to leave before the affair is discovered for all involved. To be quite frank I can’t believe it hasn’t been already. There are so many red flags that I can think of that would arise his wife’s suspicions. There are only a few possiblities for why she hasn’t put it together..

        She is choosing to look the other way out of self preservation and maintaining status quo in the marriage. She has just resigned herself to this.

        She really doesn’t pay much attention to what he does in the house or care what he is doing (this is what he tells me).

        She is having her own affair and is preoccupied with that. (which I have thought is a possiblity in the past from stuff he has mentioned).

        Or she really doesn’t have a clue. Which would be hard to believe.

        But either way, it would be much better for all involved if he left, before he and I were discovered by either her or his kids.

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  4. Don’t you think he would have left his wife by now, if he really wanted to! They have a 20 year relationship together & children. Someone in this mess is going to get hurt & I don’t think it should be his wife & children. He is a classic case of having his cake & eating it to, don’t you have anymore self respect for yourself than to be with a man you personally know is a liar & cheater! Most men don’t leave their wives, though they tell you they will. Do the right thing, there are too many men in this big ole world that don’t belong to someone else, go get one of them & let these people work on their marriage. You will never be anything to him but a side piece, is that what you want out of life? Next time you’re with him & he’s giving you all these excuses why he can’t get a divorce right now, remember he’s a liar! It doesn’t matter how long he claims he needs to wait to get a divorce because of his children, they will be hurt no matter how old they are & their relationship with him will never be the same! The wife is one thing, but I don’t think he will be so quick to ruin his childrens’ opinion of him. I’m curious as to whether you will respond to what I have told you, I think deep in your heart you know there is truth in some of the things I’ve said. An affair is the most devastating thing that can happen in a marriage, no one wins & the hurt will last a lifetime. Just remember he will always have an excuse, my question is, “how long are you
    going to continue to listen to them”?

    • Brokenjoan,

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. There are so many factors going on that I haven’t shared on my blog. Currently, W is in counseling trying to get past his reluctance to leave even though he, his wife, and his children are not happy in the home. I wish it was as black and white, but it isn’t. I left an unhealthy marriage and it took me 3 years to get up the nerve to finally go because I was afraid for my children. Looking back, while my children did experience some grief I know that they are better off now than if I had stayed. There is no longer tension in our home, mom and dad are much happier apart than when we lived together. I don’t feel like it is always a better solution to stay in a marriage that is not repairable. W and his wife have tried for years to fix what is broken in their marriage without success. Two out of three of his children have asked him why he stays married. However, his divorce is his journey and he is getting the help he needs to help him leave. That first leap is a scary one. I know the choices he has made, and I have made are not always the choices that others would make or approve of, but nonetheless they are the choices we chose to make.

      I have spent countless hours thinking about this and I have had the same exact thoughts you have, believe me. There are many more factors that complicate the situation that I have not shared on my blog. I have tried to leave once and that experience is detailed very clearly in blog. I am in a different place than I was 6 months ago. I go back and forth about leaving him all the time. I know the stats on MM that leave their wives. I also know the stats on the odds that we would remain together even if we were to marry. I know that the odds are not in my favor. The odds were not in our favor that he and I would ever meet, or that we would fall in love the way we have.

      I don’t believe that an affair is the most devastating thing that can happen to a marriage, though I know for some it can be, but not all marriages. I have read many personal accounts of an affair making a marriage stronger.

      I too was cheated on, and I know how incredibly painful that is. It is a pain like no other. I never in a million years thought that I would be here today. Life has a way of laughing at you when you start pointing fingers at others…if anything this whole experience has helped me to forgive my ex who cheated on me and have a better understanding how that came to happen.

      I will continue to listen until I decide I no longer want to. When that will be, I may never know.

      I decided to share my experience and journey because there are many women out there that are experiencing what I am, but they have no where to turn for answers or support.

      Thanks again for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts. I am sure that many people who read my blog feel like you do. Thanks again.

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