Home » On the mend » Little steps…

Little steps…

I haven’t really had much to write.

Things with W and I have been moving slowly forward.  We aren’t where we were back in November, but each day I see little glimmers of that beautiful couple begin to emerge again. We aren’t the same people that were before winter, something happened to us through December, January and February.  I think I can see clearly now what happened.  It was a lot of both of us.

In the recent weeks, my attitude has softened towards him.  I don’t feel as defensive as I did.  I think I was so guarded with him and afraid he would hurt me and I never trusted that he wouldn’t.  Why would I, every man I have ever been with broke my heart, but that doesn’t mean he will.  He is different than the others.  I saw that clearly the first time we met.  The way I responded to him physically and emotionally was completely different than I had ever responded to another man.

He knocked me off my feet and broke the mold of what I thought love between two lovers would look like.  Yet, in the back of my mind the ghosts and experiences of my past still haunted me and I never learned to trust him and that he wouldn’t hurt me.  If I had done what he had asked, and given myself to him completely like he asked me to do countless times he and I would be in a completely different place and December, January and February would have never happened.  I have no doubt in that.

I have decided to trust him and the process.  Perhaps he was sent to me to learn patience and trust.  As I do this, I see him responding to me in new ways as he learns to trust again too.  We are quite the pair I tell you.

Today, I feel at peace and warm when I think of him.  It is amazing what it feels like when you give yourself over to someone and the process and just let go of the fear and anxiety.  I trust him.  Trust that he won’t hurt me.  Trust that he will be there for me.  I trust him.

Last night he called me late and we had such a nice conversation. He was so sweet on the phone and it felt like old times. It wasn’t a planned phone call and I loved the surprise of that.  I love it when W surprises me.   I love this man, and I have no doubt we were meant to meet and be together.  I have felt that from the first moments we knew each other.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

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2 thoughts on “Little steps…

  1. I am so happy for you that you’ve reached this space “Today, I feel at peace and warm when I think of him. It is amazing what it feels like when you give yourself over to someone and the process and just let go of the fear and anxiety. I trust him. Trust that he won’t hurt me. Trust that he will be there for me. I trust him.” I was in such a space two years ago and due to some happenings and in order to protect myself ( I think ) I moved out of it – promising myself that I’m never ever going to give my ‘power’ away. But with all the distrust and heartache I’m not sure that I feel powerful at all 🙂 I have some introspection to do. And will read through your recent postings again to learn.

    • Hi Jenny,

      I have been meaning to reply to this. It really is a different mindset. I have found that once I adjusted my thinking, my mind and heart caught up. W and I are in a much better place than I think we have ever been. The expectations are more realistic and some how that grounds us in a more sustainable place. I know he will leave, but we are letting that run a more natural course. I think we (I know I did, and I have seen OW that do too) get caught up in the feeling that we might somehow be taken advantage of, or we will be hurt, and we forget that this is such a complex issue and nobody is out to hurt the other or take advantage of someone. Also, when you put yourself out here in the blogging world you get bullied a little into thinking something that feels so right in your heart is wrong and bad. Marriage and affairs are never black and white, and things are way more complex than anybody expects when you enter into these things. I stopped listening to others and started listening to him and my heart. So far, it hasn’t served me wrong. Please keep me posted. 🙂

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