Home » On the mend » It’s been a while…

It’s been a while…

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I haven’t posted here in a long time.  I have been keeping up with a few of my blogging friends over the last couple of weeks privately.

On the day of my last post, I got hit with some really hard stuff.  Without going into too much detail, I found myself overwhelmed with life…  I got hit with something huge and I hit bottom.  While I was trying so desperately to stay afloat in this thing called life.  I was like a boat at sea that was bailing water to stay afloat and I basically got blindsided by hurricane and I was in trouble of drowning.

I did what I had fought for weeks not to do, and the only thing I knew to do, and that is I reach out to W.  I needed him at that moment and only the comfort he could offer.  After downing what probably equated to three bottles of wine that day, I texted him what was going on.

He responded immediately, even though it was extremely late at night. We talked by text for two hours that night as I told him what was happening and he calmed me down and reassured me.  He said he was glad I had reached out to him.  We shared lots of thoughts about the the three weeks we didn’t speak. He had never really left me, though it had felt like it.

We have since talked every day and I have seen him since then.  He even stayed with me one night, and I am not a bit sorry either.  It was the best sleep I had gotten in weeks. It was the first time my world had felt right in a long time.

There has been a lot of communication, a lot of me wanting answers, as to where we go from here.

Before the break up there was a distance that crept in to our relationship over a course of a few months that I didn’t understand.  We have discussed that and I now know where the origin of that came from. I understand where things went wrong and why we are where we are. This may have been the best thing for us in the long term.

He is not completely to blame for where things broke down, though I did a lot of blaming.  I have owned my part in what happened, and so has he. Sometimes in relationships you have to step back and step in the other person’s shoes.  That is hard to do when you are dealing with your own pain, hurt, anger and frustration.  It is hard when you are living in a fog.  However, the fog is lifting and I see this as way more complicated than either he or I first saw it when we fell in love.

He and I have decided to work on things.  I don’t know how it will turn it out, but I do firmly believe that he was put in my life for a reason and I plan to see it through.  The odds that we even met each other were so slim to none, and the incredible love and connection we share is so rare, it is hard to imagine there isn’t some other reason for us than this.

As for my personal crisis, it is still ongoing.  It will be for a while.  Each day is a different adventure right now.  Some days are good and some days are bad, but no day is as bad as the three weeks he wasn’t in my life. I’ll take it.

I want to continue my blog for the women who reach out to me and are interested in other women’s stories who go through this.  I have it here raw and though edited for privacy for W and I, the feelings are real.  And I want our story to be recorded.

Today, W and I are good and on solid ground.  And I find that I am, dare I say happy for the most part. I am actually excited for the future and what it holds in store for me, and for W.  My boat is still rocked by the hurricane that hit me two weeks ago, but I know I have many friends and family members that will help me weather the storm, and have helped me weather the storm…many of which I met right here.  And I also have my first mate, W, right by my side too.  We got this.

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14 thoughts on “It’s been a while…

  1. Hey girl, thanks for stopping by ‘my place’. I keep reading this post over and over. It’s the exact crossroads I’m at now. It’s been nearly a month since things ended between us. I desperately want to contact him, but I’m terrified. Terrified he’ll reject any notion of restarting ‘us’ and want to find a way to just be friends. The stress of things between us – the distance, the pressure to hurry and be together- all became too much for us, for me. I became impatient and frustrated and this helped drive things to end. It was just too stressful for him to manage it all. I knew where I’d went wrong towards the end, but I caught myself too late and he was worn down. Needed to cut some area of stress in his life loose, and it needed to be me. And I understand that. I just feel so lost at this point. Without going into detail, I know he still ‘swirls’ around me, but I just don’t know if that’s enough to suggest he’d be open to even restarting things from a fresh prospective. ‘Terrified to find out’ is the phrase of the day. It’s been unbearable, the ending. I don’t think I can survive a second one. Barely crawling through this one. He’s my soulmate. I know this, but maybe he’s just not ready to do what needs to be done. All I know is my life is not the same without him in it, and I’m at a loss as to what to do. The beautiful thing about him and I is that we always find our way back to each other. But maybe you only get so many of those before you stop finding each other again. I don’t know.

    I AM glad to hear your story. It gives me hope. Makes me so incredibly happy for you mostly because I know what it means in your heart. I hope you keep us all posted as to how things are going.

    • Oh god Tiffany I know exactly where you are at right now.

      The last time we spoke, he was wanting you to move and be there with him. I had no idea you all had actually ended things. I have been abscent from the blogging world when my world went upside.

      I think for me, I don’t want to live with regret. Live with the regret of what could have been. At least if I contacted him and he rejected me I would have had an answer, maybe not the one I wanted, but at least I wouldn’t have the regret. I would have had live my life wondering if I had done this, or if I had done that would things have turned out differently. During that time the thought occured to me that perhaps he too was nervous about contacting me and what my reaction would be. He did say he had wanted to reach out to me many times during that time, but didn’t know what to say. He has said many times he is so glad I reached out him. I’m glad I did it, but I was super nervous about it at the time.

      Everybody’s story is different and everyone’s feelings are unique. You have to do what is right for you. If things don’t work out this time with us, I will at least know I tried and it was truly out of my hands.

      So much of what you said rang true for me..the impatience, the rat race to the end, the distance, the pressure to hurry up and be together. That last one really hit home. One of the things I have learned, this is a marathon and not a sprint. Leaving a marriage is not an easy thing to do, nor something someone does overnight, or a decision to be taken lightly.

      I have decided to be patient, and allow him to go at his speed on this one and try to be his friend as he goes through the process without pushing. Having been married before and knowing the issues he is facing right now, makes it easier for me to understand his perspective on this one. It is what I would want him to do for me if the shoe were on the other foot.

      Please keep me posted. If you need anything let me know. 🙂 hugs lady! You are way stronger than you think. I promise.

  2. Thank you for sharing. Although I would have received an e-mail when you post, I still checked everyday. I am so sorry about the hurricane, but I’m glad you made contact. In my screwed up way, I’ve done cost-benefit analysis over three years. And this far having my MM in my life – with all its imperfections and challenges – outweighs the darkness of not having him. One day at a time.

    • This is so true. Cost-benefit analysis…I like that! It is like that. And I agree having him in my life and the challenges that presents for the moment, far outweigh the not having him in my life.

      And thank you. The storm seems so much easier to weather when I have W in my life.

      Hugs!

  3. You are one lucky girl. I am so glad that you found the courage to have that rock in your life. I am in the same boat and considering going back but right now I want to take this time to find out what I truly want. I know that living without him is painful but it’s hard to walk away from a connection that is rare and unique in so many different levels. Sometimes life gives us curve balls that we dont like but there is always a blessing within them. Good luck and please keep us posted.

    • I do feel very lucky. I think the day I contacted him, I didn’t feel I had a choice. I literally was completely rocked that day. I got hit with something I knew I was going to have to strength the fight, and I was just empty with fight. I did the only thing a sane person with 3 bottles of wine in them does, and that was drunk text the ex. Ha! But no seriously, all kidding aside. I knew I needed to do something with him, so I could focus on the fight ahead.

      Life is too short. I decided I would rather have him in my life than not. Every person is different and has to do what is right for them. For me, he is right for me.

  4. I understand how you feel. The minute I reached back out to Jack after 2 months, I immediately felt relieved and calm. But all the same problems are there, they don’t go away. I have accepted him “as is” in my life right now for a similar reason as you–I’m overwhelmed with my life and I just need him right now. It’s as simple as that. But just know it’s like being a recovering addict. You’ve had a few hits of the drug now and feel better, stronger, like you handle anything. But the lows will come again. It’s truly a roller coaster

    • We have decided to address the problems and work on those. We aren’t going back to what was. That didn’t work for either of us. I have been through past break ups including one divorce, usually I am done when it is over and have no desire to go back. I really think we just missed each other.

      There is more to the story. We were completely happy in our relationship until a certain event happened in November which put us on a downhill spiral. Something I wasn’t totally aware of at the time it happened. Our lows didn’t happen until then. But he and I are both committed to making it work. He is has never wanted to stay married, but figuring out how to get out of his marriage has been difficult. Reasons that we have discussed and I agree are difficult circumstances for him. Step one is he is going to seek legal counsel to get some answers, and then we will go from there.

      I did a lot of blaming him, when I should have been a friend and listened and tried to understand his perspective. I know I am not making sense in this, but my mind set has changed my attitude which has allowed me to see this differently than I did before.

  5. Really interesting. Jack and I have said we will work through our problems, but still haven’t. (I have confidence we will, we are just warming up to each other again)
    The funny thing is that our relationship is really good right now because of something you wrote above–I wasn’t listening to him as a friend, I was blaming him for everything at a time he had almost nothing to give. Of course, I’m in a situation where he is still trying to save his marriage, but I also think he hasn’t worked through anything about what our relationship means to him or how bad things are at home. Things are so much better right now with us because I am giving him the room to make mistakes, I’m being a warm supportive friend, and I”m not forcing anything. We are laughing and supporting each other again and it feels good. He is trying harder than I’ve seen him try in a while to just be there for me as well.
    I don’t know where it’s heading, but it’s amazing what letting go of a tight grip will do

    • You’re so right about the tight grip that you find yourself in as you head down the path. I think as the relationship takes on speed, there is a need to go somewhere with that, but you can’t when the one person is married. You start to look at everything through the lens of hurt, and think “if they loved me they would” However, for them it isn’t that simple there are is a whole other dynamic they deal with that we often push out of our minds as the OW.

      But I understand the different mindset, as I am there now. I am grateful for where we are now. I actually like the new dynamic and we seem to be getting to a place where we are closer than when we were before, because I am not looking at him with resentment, suspicion, hurt or anger. It is easier for me to be at ease with him now. I am supposed to see him next week. I am so looking forward to that visit. The excitement I used to have when I would see him is back. sigh. I love that.

      I’m glad you are at a good place too! So happy for both of us. 🙂

  6. I credit you with literally saving my soul. This post back then came at a time when I was looking for divine signs as to what to do for my situation. After you and I exchanged comments here, I contacted him. It was the best decision I ever made.
    Everything is different now between him and I. Better. We’ve gained an understanding of the other’s position during our time apart. We see each other so much clearer, and I am so grateful to have my ‘twin’ back in my life.
    I noticed in another comment you mentioned how once you end things with someone, you don’t typically go back. I’m the exact same way. Two divorces and other relationships sprinkled in between, and I’ve never returned. But when your soulmate gets under your skin, it’s nearly impossible to just walk away from that.
    The energy between us has completely changed. There is no anxiety, stress, fear, worry, impatience, or hidden resentment or anger anymore. It’s all just washed away because we both realized during our time apart how we truly belong together. Because we’re so connected. A rare find in any relationship.
    It’s never been about him not wanting to leave his marriage. It’s been about the process of doing that and how heavy that is and me being supportive and patient because these things take time. But time is no longer working us against each other, and it feels really good because we know we’re a couple. We know we’ll get there one day where it’ll finally be him and me together, in the same space, building our life.
    So, I thank you for sharing your story and continuing to share it because it gave me the courage to do what my soul needed to do all along. xx

    • Wow!

      Your experience has been just like mine. It has never been about him not wanting leave his marriage, but more about the process of how to get out of his marriage. And like you and he, W and I felt like we were racing the clock to get there and he went into total panic and so did I.

      We are experiencing the rebirth of our relationship too, and it feels so good. It seems as if all the insecurities and impatience have dropped by the wayside.

      I am so happy for you and he. That makes me feel so much better for you, but I don’t take any credit. It was all in your courage to contact him and believe me I know just how huge that is. But I am glad my blog could help you. 🙂

      Thanks for giving me the update, I think about you often and wonder how you are doing. I’m so glad you are feeling better, and I am sure he is too.

      xoxo

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