Home » After Break Up » Three weeks out from break up…

Three weeks out from break up…

I am three weeks out today from ending things with W.  I have received a few emails from people wanting to know how I am and others who are wondering what the process will be like when/if they choose to end things, so here is my update. 

  • The heaviness is still in my heart everyday.  Some days it is better when I am really busy with just life, but it is a constant that never goes away. 
  • Most days now I am able to get through life, but I still have times when I feel like I am just surving and not living. 
  • He is still my first thought when I wake up.
  • I comfort myself as I am falling asleep, by remembering the times he would spoon me as I drifted off.  I allow my mind to take me there just so I can get some rest. 
  • I no longer look at my phone 1000s of times a day to see if he has contacted me.  I have come to accept that I will probably never hear from him again.  I am not even sure that if I made contact he would respond.  That fear is what keeps me from contacting him.  I don’t think I could handle that rejection.  
  • I have yet to go on my date.  Though this gentleman must be the most patient man ever, because I have backed out for some reason or another at the last minute 5 times now.  The desire just hasn’t been there. 
  • There are still triggers that will bring me to my knees.  I gave him so much of myself, that he is everywhere.  I haven’t been able to face those yet.  For example, this past weekend someone mentioned a restaurant that he and I had been to, and I had only ever been to with him.  I had to turn my eyes away to blink back the tears. I felt one escape and land on my cheek and I wondered to myself if I would ever be able to eat there or even hear it mentioned without instantly falling apart.  He and I were always the crazy in love people you would see with all the PDA sitting right next to each other, and people would often comment on happy and insanely happy and in love we were. 
  • I am depressed.  I am in mourning.  In a lot of ways this has been like grieving a death.  I shared a link on here a while back called Silence Kills Relationships and it is so true.  I can feel the silence between us killing our relationship, our connection and our bond.  Our relationship is in the process of dying, and that is hard to let it happen. 
  • I still love him with every atom in my being.  I still haven’t found other men attractive or even had any desire to be with another man.  He is the man I wanted to spend my life with.  Even when I was married I would find myself attracted to other men.  Then after I left my husband I had a few boyfriends, but I never really felt certain they were the one. With W, I just knew he was it.  He was the one.  All of my broken relationships had led me to him.  He was where I was supposed to be, and I was absolutely certain about that.  I had never felt a love like that before, either from someone or for someone.  Our love felt so huge, and I never, ever wanted to be in the arms of another man.  He was it.  I still feel that way. Right now it feels hopeless that I will find that again with another man, but I hope one day I do.  
  • I no longer fantasize that he will show up on my doorstep and tell me that this was all a big mistake and take me in his arms.  
  • I have stopped daydreaming about us being married and our future.  The hopes and promises I used to cling to have all fallen by the way side. 
  • I was just telling another blogging friend, that I have isolated myself in the last three weeks, except for a select group of people. I have just spent time with my kids and a few friends.  Facing the world right now with a fake smile seems hard to do.  I haven’t gone out much.  I don’t feel like socializing or being around people.  Like I said, I am depressed.  I haven’t figured out yet, how to get out of the house without the world taking one look at my face and seeing my pain.  And I don’t talk to anybody about him except for a couple of people. 
  • I have finally resigned and have accepted the depression.  I am no longer fighting it.  It feels like an old friend actually.  The hurt and the pain are the only things I have left of him.  In some sick, weird and twisted way I find some comfort in the grief, because it reminds me that he was real and my love for him was real.  Sometimes, I cry but not like before.  I am no longer spending hours with uncontrolable crying.  
  • I haven’t been angry in a while.  The anger has finally passed. 
  • I still miss him all the time.  Every day, all day.

8 thoughts on “Three weeks out from break up…

  1. Be gentle with yourself and don’t expect too much too soon. It takes a long time to recover and chances are you will hear from him again, so prepare yourself for what you will do if he does reach out. I think that unless the wife finds out, they have a tendency to come back looking for you. Know that it might get worse before it gets better. Don’t be afraid of seeking therapy. 3 weeks is nothing (even though it feels like forever, I’m sure.) I am 6 months out and I still think about him every day. You will get through this, but it takes a long time to grieve

  2. I’m nearly 9 months in to the day I found out my husband was cheating and I still share very much of your same feelings. Time is nothing unless you do something with it.

  3. I am going through this right now for I let go of mine on Monday. I know that your words inspired me and I hope that time will just heal the pain I feel and the heavest will leave. This part of me is new but than he has given me so many new experiences but I believe that everything will be OK.

  4. Thank you, the same here… I am realizing that … It’s hard to go through this alone when nobody understands the pain that comes with it… So great to be able to have support from peoe who understand

  5. It has been seven months for me. And there are days I still have everything you said in your blogs. Like today. Thinking of you. Big hugs

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s