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Falling in love…

I knew I was in love with W before I ever met him physically.  He had turned my world upside down and changed what I thought I knew about love.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship or to even find love when we met.  In fact, I met him on a dating site, because I was there catching my rat fiance at the time trolling the site. As I sat there crying, feeling heartbroken I saw W’s lovely face in “my matches” section.  

Let me back up…The now ex-fiance and I had met on this site some 3 years prior, and I was having trouble understanding why all of sudden he was having doubts about wanting to get married.  A friend of mine suggested that I check the site and see if he was back on it.  So, I  reactivated my account that had been dormant for 3 years and started searching and sure enough there was his site…with recent photos I had taken of him, photos of he and I,  he had cropped me out of course.  I knew the dates that these photos were taken so I knew this was something he had recently done, even though we weren’t broken up yet. I then created fake profiles on several sites and found him on three more.  A little backstory…during my time with the ex-fiance he was never faithful to me.  He was a serial cheater…I even at one point found a book at his place on how to be a player.  But he always came around and we even went to counseling together and things were finally good, or so I thought when he started talking about doubts. 

Which brings me back to W.  So after this fight I sat at the table in front of my computer trying to absorb what I was looking at.  In the midst of that, there was his beautiful face with his cheerful smile.  I clicked on his profile and I noticed it said single and looking for a long term relationship.  There were a couple of pictures of him and his dog.  But what really stuck out was his cheerful attitude.  His short bio ended with Life is so good.  I called a friend later and was talking to her about what had happened with the now ex-finace as of that date.  As I was talking to her I kept staring at this man’s profile.  I finally told her about W’s profile and I said something along the lines that I hadn’t been able to stop looking at it and there was something there that just pulled me to it.  She encouraged me to contact him, so with nervous fingers I reached out and said hello.  

He messaged back pretty quickly.  It was obvious from the very beginning he was different.  The way we communicated, the way he made me laugh, the way he made me smile.  The next day we exchanged phone numbers and the texting began, and  he asked if he could call the next day. The day we first spoke was Valentine’s day. Within a couple of days I was in love, I mean I had fallen hard for a man I had never even met physically.  I had no idea I could even connect with someone on the level I connected with him. He was my gift from God.  He was sent to show me that this is what love is supposed to feel like.  It was eye opening! I turned away from the ex-fiance and never looked back.  Though the ex did try to contact me many times after that.  After having a taste of what was between W and I, I had no desire to ever go back to the hell hole that was my relationship with the ex.  

I am still in love W, and I always will be.  I didn’t know he was married when we met.  It was never the relationship between he and I that was the problem, it was the relationship of him being married to another woman and me being his OW that caused so much conflict.  His inability to find courage and make the changes he needed to be happy and my inability to be in love with a man that left me to be by the side of another woman.  This was the real deal for me.  I was and am madly in love with him.  Everyday is a battle to stay away, but I also know that I cannot be that girl anymore.  It was tearing me apart slowly, it was tearing us apart.  I thought that he loved me the same way.  I am not so sure anymore.  I know for me, there was nothing that would have kept me from him, any barriers in my way I would have ripped them apart to be with him. The fear of not having him in my life was bigger than any other fear I could imagine. However, the barrier between us was not mine to rip apart, but his, and I was powerless to do anything about it. 

I left the future of our relationship in his hands.  The fact that he has chosen to let it go, rather than fight for it is one of the biggest disappointments I have experienced, and has left so many doubts as to his true feelings in regards to me. Regardless of his feelings, he was and will always be my W, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I would have moved mountains to give our love a chance to flourish.  I would have done anything for him, but in the end I could do nothing but wait for him to fight for me and fight for us.  That didn’t happen, and so I mourn my lover, my friend, my soul mate, and love of my life.  I am left with nothing but our memories and the will to try to more forward in my life without him. But I miss him terribly everyday.  One day it will get better, it has to.     


One thought on “Falling in love…

  1. I don’t want to ‘like’ this because I can feel your pain in every word you’ve written. Hang on in there hun. As Grace has said on her blog, we’ve got to draw strength from our experiences. Be strong pretty lady X x x x

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