Home » After Break Up » I would tell him…

I would tell him…

So, today a long-term and dear family friend was struck with a tragedy.  She found her only surving child dead in her home.  Our family friend is 85-years-old and her daughter was 62.  We are so close to this lady, like family.  Our family was the first she called upon finding her.  This was an unexpected death and there were no formal good byes or I love you’s exchanged.

This has hit so close to home right now.  The death of loved one is final, and not having the chance to say goodbye or one last I love you is heartbreaking.  Though I am sure the daughter who died knew how very much she was loved during her lifetime, you still want to the chance to say it.

This event brought to the surface that I never really had that chance with W.  I was so angry, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, let-down and wallowing in my own pity party I never took the opportunity to tell him what he meant to me, the positive differences he made in my life, or how much I would miss him, or how much I loved him and always would.  You know, the things you would say to a loved one who is dying and you know you will never see them again…at least in this lifetime.

Grieving the loss of a significant relationship is much like grieving the death of a loved one.  I wish I had treated the ending as such, but often in the immediate turmoil of breaking up that gets lost.  My mind was in a fog during those immediate days.  All I could think is “Is this really happening?”  I was focusing on getting out of bed, showering, making sure kids got to school and home safely…I was in survival mode.

I still feel his loss every day.  At first I wanted to review the texts over and over and look at pictures of us together in happier times.  I haven’t been able to bring myself to do that in the past week.  It is too painful and I need to move forward.  But today, I was reminded of how fleeting life is, and  the ending that he and I had after almost a year of an epic love story has played over and over in my mind.

If I had to do it over again I would tell him… This is not what I want to do it all, but this is what I feel I need to do for self preservation.  That he is the love of my life and always will be.  How much I will miss him every day, and there will never be a day I will not think of him.  That he mattered and made a difference in my life. That he is my soul mate and every day will forever be imprinted with that now that my heart had met his.  That I wish him health, peace and happiness.  That I will miss his stories about his life and his children.  I would tell him that I will always hear his laughter in my head, and see his smile in mind.  I would tell him that I loved his gentle nature, his calmness, sense of humor and mannerisms.  I would tell him that I will miss his touch and how he made love to my thoughts. But mostly, I would want him to know how truly much I love him and always will.

I never really got a chance to say goodbye to him, nor him to me.  I hope he knows these things and carries them with him.  I would give anything to be able to communicate with him, but I will continue to honor his choice to not communicate as I journey on. Don’t forget to tell the ones you love that you love them.  You never know what words might be the final ones spoken.


9 thoughts on “I would tell him…

  1. You’re stronger than me. I still wish with all my heart that you get a chance to tell him all of what you’ve written here. It will not be disrespectful to him? And the aim would not be to continue the relationship. I’m sure it will help you with closure.

    • Thank Jenny. Sometimes I feel strong, sometimes I don’t. Yesterday and today I am not feeling so strong.

      If he ever reaches out to me, I will tell him, but I am not going to contact him. I was the last one to make contact with him and he never replied or reached out again. In a complete year that had never happened, so I know that was meant to send a clear signal to me that he was done communicating. Responding quickly to emails and texts was always a priority for him. I have a strong feeling that I will never hear from him again…that is hard to accept, but something I must. I think it is the hardest part of all this.

      Thanks for reaching out to me. 🙂 hugs

    • Ive read almost all of this but i dnt knw where to begin so i can continously read on.. I keep goin back n forth checkin the dates i dnt knw if im missing out on some pls tell me how i cld start from where u started blogging about W and wch to press on my iphone the next blog so i lnw wch is wch

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