Home » After Break Up » Grief is hard work…

Grief is hard work…

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I am not in the upward turn yet.  Not even close. Today, I missed him and it was so hard not to reach out to him.  I just wanted to talk to him.  I wanted to hear him say it would be ok.  I started going through scenerios in my head as to how I could work this out with him.  I started going back through the past several months and how we got here.  I started thinking about what I could have done different.  I started feeling like I was going crazy.

The truth is I have been mad, frustrated and resentful towards him for months.  He said to me sometime in January that at one time he could do no wrong and I thought he was wonderful, and now he couldn’t do anything right. I suppose there was some truth in that.  I was feeling so rejected and abandoned by him over the last three months.  I wasn’t feeling as appreciated, cared for or loved as I had before.  I noticed his lack of effort in the relationship and I didn’t know what to do with that.  I noticed that he was more happy being at home and away from me.  I should have been happy for him, but I was so sad for me.  I was lonely, angry, resentful, and frustrated.  I missed my friend during those times and it hurt me so much that he didn’t appreciate me.  I could feel him deataching, and I was confused.  I told him how I felt, but nothing changed.  Even as I write this I know how sad and pathetic I sound.

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I miss my friend W so much.  I just miss him.  I miss hearing from him.  I miss his presence in my life.  I just miss him.  I have no doubt that I will look back on this time in my life and he will be the great love of my life. When I told him he was the love of my life I meant it. Giving him up, letting him go and not fighting for him has been the hardest thing I have had to do.  Like I told him, it goes against everything in me. I wanted him to fight for us, fight for me. it seemed so easy for him to let go. He told me he would always be there.  He said he couldn’t live without me.  He promised he would never hurt me.  I believed him.  And now I just sit in my sadness with only the memories of he and I in better times. That’s all I have left of him.

Given our circumstances we won’t just ever bump into each other or see each other again.  But I can’t help but daydream about if that were to happen and what I would do.  I would just hug him, simply hug him with no words. This feels like the death of a loved one.  It has been so final. The loneliness and ache in my heart for him is heavy.  I am glad our last visit was a good one. A lot of our last texts I wasn’t so nice as my frustration and anger was bubbling over.  I wish I could take those back and change my words to ones of peace and calmness, but I cannot.

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I’m all over the place on these charts.  At times I am so angry, and at other times I melt into a heap of tears.  Then there are the moments where I have the reprieve of just feeling numb.  Then other times the weight of missing him becomes an internal battle as I want to reach out to him so bad, but have to fight the urge.  I want to tell him this has all been a mistake and let’s figure this out.  I want to appeal to the love he had for me, see if he is sad too.  But I don’t.  Then I am angry, because he hasn’t called me and said the things I want to hear.  I guess all this is normal according to the charts and stages of grief.

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to care and nurture a baby that had been abandoned.  I was having no such luck at keeping this poor baby alive.  I was distraught.  I don’t think you have to have a PhD to know what that dream was saying.

I haven’t told my family yet, just my closest friends and the people who read my blog.  I haven’t been able to tell them. I don’t know why.  Maybe if I say the words it makes it so real and so final.  I have been avoiding them.  They keep asking about him and when he is coming into town.  I just keep saying I don’t know.

I am not back to normal functioning.  I do get up and shower.  I do take care of my kids.  I have been working.  I have had no interest in doing anything fun, watching TV or listening to music.  In fact, I had to leave a store yesterday as there was a love song playing that reminded me of him.  I didn’t even get what I went for, because I was making a mess of myself.  The man I met Sunday night wants to take me out for dinner and wine.  He knows what I am going through, but still wants to.  I’m thinking about it, but getting dressed and faking a cheerful conversation seems something I can’t even think about right now.  My friends tell me it will take my mind off things and would be good for me.  He knows I am not looking for a hook up or a relationship.  He still wants to.  We shall see.  Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a little more peace than today.  Today was rough, but I did have some parts of it where I started to feel better. Baby steps.

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13 thoughts on “Grief is hard work…

  1. {hugs} thinking of you this evening. just catching up and while i’m saddened to hear your day was rougher than you had hoped, the fact that you had a moment here and there is good. baby steps indeed. sometimes it can feel like we make no progress at all, but if you think about it, every day that we get up and try is something. but, it’s fair to say that as humans, grief and longing and love don’t just heal (which of course you know) but the desire to “just feel better” and be done with the pain is even more human than some of the other emotions we live with. I hope you can find solace in the little moments as they will eventually be replaced with bigger moments and maybe, hopefully soon, a day here and there strung together.

    • Thank you so much for saying that. I definitely just want to feel better. I am just tired of feeling like this.I was actually thinking of going to the doctor for meds, but I will wait just a bit longer. Thank you. Big hug lady. I hope you are well. Hugs back! A great big one!

  2. Gotta love the roller coaster ride….it does get better and to be honest I’m rather shocked where I’m at in this process…I’m in the upward turn and am dipping my toes into the acceptance and hope…..looking forward my hope is to work on me and develop the skill set to establish boundaries…to create a life that I desire and deserve…I have put it off for far too long….and in the future I will demand respect from anyone who I entrust with my heart….I will not give anyone permission to be wreckless with my heart again….don’t ever give permission to someone to treat you the way we allowed these men to treat us…we are just to freaking awesome for that

  3. Although you may not feel it, I feel you are doing amazingly well. Those ups and downs see such a hard ride, but you haven’t caved and texted him. I am impressed with your strength as you journey through this horrible period in your life…..I read this and I fear the day that I must say goodbye to him (though I know it must happen) but you give me hope that I can make it through. I have also saved those charts, I know I will need them come next September, as much as I dread it.

  4. Thank you. I definitely feel anything but strong. I haven’t texted him and I am not planning on it. Now, if he reached out to me, called me, emailed me, texted me…I would not be strong enough at this point to stay away from him. He was the one who stopped the communication, knowing that makes it easier for me not to contact him. It felt like just one more rejection from him.

    I knew for a while that I was going to have to end things. The anticipation of grief was pretty bad. Knowing what was coming made my visits with him sad and eventually the visits, while enjoyable and precious were brutal when I had to say goodbye, and I found I wasn’t enjoying them as much as I was anticipating the good bye. Watching him leave me while he knew I was hurt and disappointed, but he left me anyways so that he could get home and not disappoint his wife…was more than I could stand. Remind you, he had asked me to marry him, like in a serious way marry him. I felt like I was living a lie, and I was confused. I wanted more with him. But eventually the lows with us were more than the highs. I tried to talk to him, to fix things but they just kept getting worse. Eventually, I couldn’t bear to hear him talk about all the things he did…the things that kept him from me, that were more important than me. So, that is what the final straw was. They say you know when the time is right, and the time was right. I had finally hit the part where being his OW brought me more heartache than joy. But I still miss him, love him and grieve his loss. It was a huge hit.

    I’ll be thinking of you. I know the swirl of emotions your thoughts and feelings are right now. (hugs)

  5. My heart just breaks for you because I relate to everything you’re feeling. I’m going through it now, although contact with us has resumed it hasn’t necessarily fixed anything. We are in a ‘not talking’ phase yet again. Being the OW is just flat out rough and awful. The men, they just don’t seem to get it. To understand the full scope of what they’re doing and how it effects us. The destruction it causes on a soul. The rollercoaster they offer and the back and forth of promises they so carefully dangle like a carrot in front of us. And you know what the really tough part is? When they say those things and make those promises, in the moment, they really mean them. I truly believe that. But the problem is, when the dust settles, they can’t finish what they started. They realize they can’t deliver, for whatever reason. And that’s what hurts us so. What causes us such pain and confusion because we know the love is there. That it was real. So why couldn’t they do it? For us?
    Sending you much love. Hang in there, girl.

    • Tiffany,

      I just realized I addressed my response to you as “Amy” yesterday. I am so sorry. I don’t even know where that came from. My mind has been such a fog of crazy these days. It was an honest mistake, I knew I was responding to you and that your name is Tiffany. Sorry. :/

  6. Hey Amy,

    I have been thinking about what you are saying. You have verbalized so well what I have said in 60 + posts. I have never thought of it as “not talking” we never just stopped talking in the whole year we were together, but that is exactly what it feels like, like we just stopped talking. Sometimes I go back and forth. I was so about my hurt and he was trying to tell me his hurt and how he was suffering. I just took them as smooth words to just keep me on the hook. I wondered if I had listened more, and talked less if he and I couldn’t have figured it out. Our love was real. It felt real and it felt ginormous, bigger than life, and at the same time it was so contradictory because it was so lopsided, with me available to be his fully and him not. I have thought those same things…Why can’t he do this me, for us? We have a lifetime to be happy. I have thought that. I need to read more about your story. I’m so sorry you are going through this too. It is a huge hurt I know.

    Thanks and back at you. (hugs)

  7. No worries about “Amy”. 🙂

    My man and I began talking again, but he then ‘formally’ ended things late last night via email. I’m just shattered. He doesn’t want to lose me though because we are best friends. Wants to keep the door open in friendship to see what the future may hold because right now making ‘us’ happen has too many complications (we live about 5 hours away from each other in different states). And all we do is fight over that, and the stress surrounding me relocating to him. He ‘formally’ ended the relationship but doesn’t want to end our connection. ‘Formally’ ended it but doesn’t want it to end. I keep repeating that because it still sounds like having your cake and eating it too. It still sounds like someone who can’t make a decision now and will never be able to, ever. It still sounds like keeping my energy tied up with his, and yet, I’m heart broken because I don’t want to lose him. But I know I won’t be able to move on unless I completely cut contact. But then I think, I have nothing to move on to. I live in a small town, and there is nothing here. No options. Everyone here is paired up. I’ve been alone for 8 years now. It all feels so hopeless.

    I responded to him this morning and just told him I had nothing left to give him at the moment. I’m just devastated.

  8. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You haven’t said if he is married or not, but either way the pain of loss is the pain of loss. In my experience, once somebody has owned my heart it would be incredibly difficult to remain just friends. It sounds to me like he isn’t ready to let go of you, but wants to let go of the obligations and commitment with the relationship. Long distance is hard. That was an issue W and I had on top of him being married. We live 3 hrs apart.

    Does he want you to relocate, because he can’t because he is married? If he is married I would never even consider turning my life upside down until there are at least divorce papers in the works.

    Cutting contact is the hardest part of this all. But if he is moving on…Do you really want to know what he is doing? For me, that would just hurt me more.

    I am like you, I am the single one in my group of friends and family. It is hard to watch the happy couples when you aren’t a part of a happy couple, but want to be.

    When I was with W, I didn’t see any options either. It was like I had blinders on when it came to men. I only wanted him, and my desire for him made all other men seem at best mediocre. I still feel like that, but I have come to realize that having a man that considers my needs is huge bonus, and makes them much more attractive. I am not through this yet, but each day after about 10 days has gotten a little bit easier. I still love him, want him and desire him, but I can’t have him. So, I must move on. It’s hard extremely hard, but you do get through it.

    I wish I could offer you more help. I wanted to answer you and not leave you hanging, but right now my mind frazzled (really busy two days). I want to come back to this, and will.

    Hang in there. Big hugs and feel free to reach out whenever you need to!

    Thinking of you and wishing you so relief right now.

  9. I understand the frazzled mind completely. Right there with you.

    Yes, he is married. Long term marriage. He was wanting me to relocate to him because it would be easier when he asked for the divorce because I would be there. But the main problem is him vacillating between what he wants. He feels tremendous guilt over hurting his wife and ending the marriage. I understand that, but I don’t want to relocate only to find he can’t go through with it and things end. Or, I go through with it and we just stay in the limbo of an affair because he’s still too guilty to ask for a divorce. And yes, he wasn’t ready to let go, but was ready to let go of all the fighting between us. He doesn’t see how what he’s doing, the back forth, is stressful and causes me to lose trust in him. There’s of course more to it, but that’s the gist of it.

    As far as other men are concerned, I don’t necessarily have blinders on. I am open enough to allow someone else into my heart, but there are no options in my town – rated on the top ten list of worst cities for singles to live. It seems pointless to even hope for someone to come along. Especially someone I have a strong connection with. This man was my soulmate. Compatible and comfortable together in every way. Best friends. That’s hard to find.

    I wish you many hugs and love too. It just takes time, right? A little distance each day from the pain with a little more space in between each thought where you can actually breathe.

    • Hmmm…I have been thinking on this. I understand what you mean about finding your soul mate. I really feel that way about W. The closeness and the comfort of being with him is not like anything I have ever experienced. I think many people who find themselves with a married man say the same thing, because who would put themselves through this for a mediocre love, right? it is hard to find and is precious, but not impossible, after all we found them, right?

      The trust factor is huge. There are already trust issues born out of the fact that you know they are capable of cheating and then when they waffle in their decisions or don’t follow through on promises the trust factor becomes even more to the forefront.

      The life change that he is requesting is huge. I don’t think it is at all unfair for you to ask him to at least start the divorce proceedings before you commit to such a big life change. Your concerns are very real and valid, because the odds of him not leaving or keeping the affair going are highly likely. Perhaps, taking some time off and having some space would give you both some clarity to see what you all really want and weigh your options. You need to have a better understanding of what you are willing to sacrifice for this man, before you make such a big commitment to a man who’s primary commitment is to another. I suspect not more than you already have which is why you have been hesitant to go all in. And rightfully so.

      I won’t lie Tiffany, at times the pain of letting go of him was more than I thought I could bear. The last few weeks were some of the darkest times, but I am feeling much better on this side of things, but if you had told me that two weeks ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. I still have moments when his memory will pull at my heart and the love for him is like a burning fire again. But I remember how difficult the last few months were and I can’t go back to that, and that is what I would be going back for. I needed change in order to be happy, and only he could make those necessary changes. Until he gets divorced, you are no closer to that full relationship even if you move. It’s his marriage, his divorce and he needs to work through that on his own, if he is ever going to be available for you and he to have a relationship.

      You are doing the right thing. I know it is hard, extremely hard and painful. But you are showing signs of self-love by thinking this through as to what is best for you. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it when you are in the throws of hurt though, does it. I love the line in The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer where she says “I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.” That has been a thing that has been repeated in my head a lot lately as I think it speaks to a person’s strengths and character.

      Wishing you many hugs, lots of love…and mostly peace as you continue through this journey. Keep me posted.

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