I am not in the upward turn yet. Not even close. Today, I missed him and it was so hard not to reach out to him. I just wanted to talk to him. I wanted to hear him say it would be ok. I started going through scenerios in my head as to how I could work this out with him. I started going back through the past several months and how we got here. I started thinking about what I could have done different. I started feeling like I was going crazy.
The truth is I have been mad, frustrated and resentful towards him for months. He said to me sometime in January that at one time he could do no wrong and I thought he was wonderful, and now he couldn’t do anything right. I suppose there was some truth in that. I was feeling so rejected and abandoned by him over the last three months. I wasn’t feeling as appreciated, cared for or loved as I had before. I noticed his lack of effort in the relationship and I didn’t know what to do with that. I noticed that he was more happy being at home and away from me. I should have been happy for him, but I was so sad for me. I was lonely, angry, resentful, and frustrated. I missed my friend during those times and it hurt me so much that he didn’t appreciate me. I could feel him deataching, and I was confused. I told him how I felt, but nothing changed. Even as I write this I know how sad and pathetic I sound.
I miss my friend W so much. I just miss him. I miss hearing from him. I miss his presence in my life. I just miss him. I have no doubt that I will look back on this time in my life and he will be the great love of my life. When I told him he was the love of my life I meant it. Giving him up, letting him go and not fighting for him has been the hardest thing I have had to do. Like I told him, it goes against everything in me. I wanted him to fight for us, fight for me. it seemed so easy for him to let go. He told me he would always be there. He said he couldn’t live without me. He promised he would never hurt me. I believed him. And now I just sit in my sadness with only the memories of he and I in better times. That’s all I have left of him.
Given our circumstances we won’t just ever bump into each other or see each other again. But I can’t help but daydream about if that were to happen and what I would do. I would just hug him, simply hug him with no words. This feels like the death of a loved one. It has been so final. The loneliness and ache in my heart for him is heavy. I am glad our last visit was a good one. A lot of our last texts I wasn’t so nice as my frustration and anger was bubbling over. I wish I could take those back and change my words to ones of peace and calmness, but I cannot.
I’m all over the place on these charts. At times I am so angry, and at other times I melt into a heap of tears. Then there are the moments where I have the reprieve of just feeling numb. Then other times the weight of missing him becomes an internal battle as I want to reach out to him so bad, but have to fight the urge. I want to tell him this has all been a mistake and let’s figure this out. I want to appeal to the love he had for me, see if he is sad too. But I don’t. Then I am angry, because he hasn’t called me and said the things I want to hear. I guess all this is normal according to the charts and stages of grief.
Last night I had a dream that I was trying to care and nurture a baby that had been abandoned. I was having no such luck at keeping this poor baby alive. I was distraught. I don’t think you have to have a PhD to know what that dream was saying.
I haven’t told my family yet, just my closest friends and the people who read my blog. I haven’t been able to tell them. I don’t know why. Maybe if I say the words it makes it so real and so final. I have been avoiding them. They keep asking about him and when he is coming into town. I just keep saying I don’t know.
I am not back to normal functioning. I do get up and shower. I do take care of my kids. I have been working. I have had no interest in doing anything fun, watching TV or listening to music. In fact, I had to leave a store yesterday as there was a love song playing that reminded me of him. I didn’t even get what I went for, because I was making a mess of myself. The man I met Sunday night wants to take me out for dinner and wine. He knows what I am going through, but still wants to. I’m thinking about it, but getting dressed and faking a cheerful conversation seems something I can’t even think about right now. My friends tell me it will take my mind off things and would be good for me. He knows I am not looking for a hook up or a relationship. He still wants to. We shall see. Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a little more peace than today. Today was rough, but I did have some parts of it where I started to feel better. Baby steps.