Home » After Break Up » In the end…you can’t even hate them…

In the end…you can’t even hate them…

With all my love for him and thinking that we were the loves of each others lives, it was for nothing.  No matter how small I felt and unimportant, I feel even more so now.  I realize that after a year I wasn’t even worthy of a goodbye from him.  No closure, no well wishes, no nothing. I am paying penance for my decision for my part in my being the OW.  For all the people who think the OW are heartless and wihout value, there is nothing you could say that will make me feel worse than I do right now.  They say true enlightenment happens at your darkest times, I’m still waiting.  I know my value, he made it clear to me and I know that I was worth nothing to him and I was just a pawn used in his plight.  I know this past year I was nothing to him and I was just something that he used to make hin feel better about himself, I was the stereotype…nothing more, nothing less.  There is no way I could feel lower than right now.  I take full responsibilites for buying into all the lies and promises and believing him, even after he showed me who he was.  In the end, I was a nobody to him, and  he showed me that and  made me that.

This will take me a long time to get past.  I need to learn to accept the hollowness that is my life and learn to function within that.  I’m trying as my children need their mother.  Even though I am pissed and I am more sad than I can put into words…I miss him…and you know what?  I fucking hate that.  I want to hate him.  I want to loathe him, but when the person that you love more than anything walks and steps all over your fucking heart…guess what you can’t even fucking hate them. I hate that…

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6 thoughts on “In the end…you can’t even hate them…

  1. I am a betrayed spouse… I too hate that I still love my husband after he stepped all over my fucking heart!
    Affairs seem to cause nothing but pain for everyone involved

  2. I agree. They cause nothing pain for everyone involved. Although I wasn’t the person involved in your situation, I appologize for the pain you feel. In my case, I didn’t know he was married, but I do take accountability for continuing after I knew. And believe if or not, I was once the betrayed partner as well. I understand your pain, and never thought I would be here. My blog is not meant to hurt you, but intended to give me a place to go with my feelings and perhaps help another OW who are suffering and making a decision to end things, as I did. I use this to get my feelings out instead of reaching out to him, as I am sure you can appreciate would benefit nobody, his wife included. If your intent is to make me feel worse, you can’t. These are my raw emotions as I go through my journey. Like I said, not meant to hurt you, but intended to process my emotions. No one comes out these situations unscathed.

  3. You seem to be well-read on the whole affair psyche. Was W a “serial” affair partner? I only got that impression when you said you didn’t know that he was, therefore he must have been on the “hunt”. Also, given your past (BS), i wouldn’t think you would engage. I appreciate your review of the book, “When Good People Have affairs”. Thank-you!
    Also, would love to understand your story as its more insight for me.

  4. He was on the hunt when we met, we met through an online dating site and he said he was widowed with no kids and looking for a long term relationship. For the first several months I didn’t know he was married and only found out after I did some digging on the Internet. I would never engage with someone who I knew was married after what I went through as a betrayed partner. My fiance of 3 years cheated our entire relationship, he ended up getting one of his affair partners pregnant. I went through hell with that, but that is a different blog.

    However, by the time I learned that W was married I was head over heels in love with him, like I have never experienced. I gave him the chance to explain and he said he was leaving his wife and had been miserable for years. He asked for forgiveness. My heart was too far in and I was too weak to deny him. At first it did seem that he was leaving…and I think that not knowing his wife made it more tolerable to engage. She wasn’t tangible to me, and he didn’t paint a pretty picture of her either. Sometimes the heart has a way of overriding logic. As we went further he began to change and I took a closer look at what was really happening. It was almost like trying to see your hand in the thickest fog. I started reading everything I could get my hands trying to make sense of things, then I started reading blogs…And here I am trying to move on. I have only decided to continue to tell my story in hopes it helps someone else the way their blogs helped me to see through the fog.

    Thanks for reading and commenting.

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