I am so tired of hurting. I am tired of fighting my way through days. I am tired of being pissed off. I am simply just tired. W thought that letting me go was the best way to save me from my pain (I like how I have ownership of “my pain”, when more accurately it is pain he caused me). It is almost laughable. He might as well have just taken his boot and ground it in my chest as he pushed me into the black abyss called life right now. I just want to feel better. I am trying. This is a monumental feat.
The last few days, I have seriously wondered if there was a third person, another girl besides me. As quickly as he dropped me I think it is a strong possibility. He didnt caught in his affair, so I am sure there will be others, because be claims he isnt happy. It is hard to think of yourself as just another woman in a string of many.
While I know how special he was to me in my life, I am realizing of how little of value I was to his. His life goes on. Mine is a struggle daily to get through even the most mundane things in life. The cloud of missing him hangs over me constantly. Every time my phone rings or message comes through I feel myself shudder, both terrified and excited at the possibility it is him. It never is, and I bet it never will be. His words, choice of words, and how he strung them together was so beautiful. I used to love and admire that about him. His gentleness and calmness always came through in his words. I really miss those things about him.
I just want feel better, stop hurting…and mostly stop missing what is not mine and is to never be again…the man who stole my heart… W.