Today marks one week of having absolutely no contact with W. How we came to that was not something we stated we were going to do. There really were no goodbyes. We were discussing things via text, and we were going back and forth in our conversation. We weren’t arguing just discussing the future and what I wanted and what he could or could not give me. He never replied to my last text. Let me rephrase, he chose not to reply to a text that I had sent as a reply to his. However, he might feel differently, I don’t really know because I didn’t ask his opinion of my last text to him. Several people with whom I have shared my last text to him have said it sounded like a goodbye from me. If he did take it that way he didn’t respond with his own goodbye. Just like that it was over. It doesn’t feel over, and I definitely don’t feel like there was closure. I will have to figure out how to find closure in the absence of closure. We never discussed how it would look if we ended things. At one point a long time ago he said he hoped he could remain friends, if things were to end. I knew that would not be my case. I could never just be his friend, my feelings for him are too strong. We never discussed not having contact. He never asked me not to contact him, nor did I. We just stopped.
Having no contact is the hardest. I said this on another blogger’s blog post. When a person you loves dies, often the thing they say they miss most is being able to communicate with them. We do various rituals to try to talk to them. We write letters and burn them, thus sending out words to heaven. We leave them messages on their Facebook page after they are gone. We put letters in bottles and send them off into the sea. People talk of their deceased loved ones “coming back” and having conversations and messages from the afterlife. They sit by their gravesites and have conversations, giving their loved one updates on their lives.
I have heard many people say, “If I could just have one last conversation, that would make me feel better,” about their loved one that has passed. It seems a natural instinct to want to know what is going on with someone when you love them. It is natural to want to share your triumphs and sorrows with those you love. Communication is often the life blood that sustains relationships with family members, friends, and significant others. Without communication, those connections will fade and die. I had said to him in my last text that allowing our love to die instead of nurturing it to grow would be a daunting task, but necessary if I am to move on, and something that goes against everything in me. I wasn’t ready to move on and I wasn’t ready to let go or say goodbye, but I knew it would be necessary for me to move on, but I wasn’t really prepared or ready. I don’t know if you ever really are when you truly love someone.
Communication is so important that when someone cuts you off or gives you the cold shoulder it can often be as painful a physical punch. it can be crushing, especially when you truly love and value that person. It is no wonder that when people go no contact there are slips. It is so tempting to reach out and find out how they are doing, if they are ok, or perhaps you want to share something. It is a shear test of strength when you are feeling your weakest.
So, as I move forward in this battle that rages inside me, I have tried not look back at the tender messages of the past from W. I know at some point I will need to erase those as I move forward, but not right now. I am not ready to completely erase us, or to completely forget him. I will continue to move forward in my journey without him, but he is never really gone, he still occupies the space in my head as he is never far from my thoughts. I no longer feel him, but the absence of him. I wonder if he is happy, sad or relieved at my absence. I wonder if he even feels it, or thinks about it, or thinks about me. I wonder if this whole love affair between us was even real or if it was something he weaved in the vulnerable places of my mind. I will probably never know. Learning to live in the grief and loss is such a hard task and one that at times seems more than I can bear. It is at those times I feel so weak. It makes it easier not to reach out to him as he was the one who was next to reply and he didn’t. I took that as he was done communicating with me, so I am respecting his wishes. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I don’t feel the cold silence between us and at times it is enough to take my breath from me. It feels like one more choice that was taken from me, onward I go.