Home » After Break Up » A week into NOT being the other woman anymore…

A week into NOT being the other woman anymore…

It has been 8 days since I told W I could not do this anymore.  The enormity of our situation just became more than I can bear.  The first 48 hours we spoke via text. Every text I received I was hoping he would say he was leaving so that we could be together, even though I knew that they wouldn’t. (denial phase of grief) He did offer to make the affair easier on me by giving me more time and calling more frequently. (bargaining) He also said he wanted to get counseling to help him deal with his feelings of guilt that he had about leaving his wife. (bargaining)  I maintained exactly what I needed in a relationship and wasn’t willing to accept less.  He either needed to do what was necessary so we could be together fully, or I needed to move on, but being the OW was not an option for me anymore.  Eventually, I replied to one of his texts and he never responded. I didn’t contact him after he didn’t respond. My friends said that my last text to him sounded like a goodbye, I didn’t intend it to be that, but I wasn’t going to contact him again.  If he had wanted to contact me could have, but he chose not to.  I had left the ball in his court, and I had my answer. The last contact I had with him was just over 5 days now.

The first 7 days were some of the hardest of my life.  The first two days I was an anxious mess and second guessing myself, but even the limited contact I had with W made them a bit easier to bear, I think I still had some hope. But when the no contact happened on what would have been the one year anniversary of us meeting (a great way to celebrate that milestone) I began to sink into a spiral of black depression and raw sadness.  Then two days later was Valentine’s Day with not a word from him either, I knew I had to take a closer look at what and who exactly was I grieving.

I spent Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday holed up in my place.  I let my mind wander wherever it wanted.  I cried, I blogged, I cried, I blogged.  I slept when I felt like it, when I could.  I ate what I wanted, which wasn’t much, because I felt on the verge of vomiting.  I shut most of the world out, but a select group of friends.  The friends that I knew would listen and let me just grieve without giving me pep talks or downsizing my loss. Let me add here, that having close male friends is such a perk when dealing with this as they can give you the male perspective.  Having them lay it out exactly what it meant that he had chosen this and to end contact with me was a real eye opening experience.   It was not a fun time at all.  It was excruciating. At tmes I felt like my sadness would break me in two.  The anger that I felt the first two days at him letting me go had now turned into a black hole of despair as I tried to wrap my mind around a life without W.

Slowly, the fog began to lift some by Sunday night.  I think that was a turning point for me.  I started to see things more clearly.  For months now I had been trying to make sense of this relationship between he and I.  I had found this “perfect” man and we loved each other with such a greatness that I could not even put it into words.  I could never understand how he could stand to not be by my side and why he chose to stay married.  Then it hit me.  The love we felt for each other wasn’t equal.  I had been under the illusion that he loved me like I loved him.  He couldn’t love me like I did him, because he was married.  He would never be free to love me the way I did him as long as he had commitments to his wife.  Those commitments were constraints on how much he could invest in his love towards me.  I was able to love  him without constraint and he wasn’t.  His love for me was one of the biggest things that attracted me to him.  Once I was able to see that his love for me was less than he had verbalized, and that it was not equal and couldn’t be unless he got divorced, the real process of being able to let go began to happen. It hurt like hell to finally realize that, but it also made it easier for me to begin to let go, as I realized I was clinging to nothing but a false sense of  reciprocal love.

If he did love me like I thought he did, he wouldn’t have spent the holidays without me.  He wouldn’t have let weeks slip by without calling to hear my voice.  If he had loved me he would have shown concern over where this relationship was headed.  He wouldn’t have allowed me to be the OW, and all that that entailed.  Hell, if I had loved me more I wouldn’t have allowed that either.  If he had loved me he would have held tight to me to keep me by his side.  As one of my awesome male friends pointed out…He said…

“[insert my name], men who love you don’t leave you.  They hang on with everything they have.  He hasn’t left his wife, because quite frankly he doesn’t love you as much as he loves her.  He has told you everything you need to know in his actions.  It isn’t because he feels he doesn’t deserve you, or you deserve better (that is what W told me in his last text message to me), that’s just a nice way of saying he doesn’t want to be with you.  He is doing this because you are not where he chooses to be or who he wants to spend his life with. It really is that black and white. You don’t let the woman you want to spend your life and marry, walk out of your life.  Men don’t do that. He’s not fighting, he is letting go.  He’s not a martr trying to do what is right for you, he is doing what is right for him.  You do not suit his needs anymore. Suiting his needs is what this whole affair has been about, that’s why he went looking for one.  You no longer fit the bill.”

And there you have it the biting sting of truth.  It really is that simple and true.  Armed with this knowledge has made letting go a lot easier.  It hurts, hurts really bad, but it makes it easier to let go.

Another revelation I had was the mourning process.  I was so scared of the grieving process.  Grief is not fun! I thought in my head that the grieving process was going to be, or should be equal to the amount of love I felt for him.  My love for him was/is so great that I thought the grieving process would be equally as great.  Sometimes the grief over the anticipated grief is just as great as the grief. Here is an example, if you have ever had to care for terminally ill family member watching them through their last days and saying multiple goodbyes in different ways is such a painful experience.  Once they pass, it is so hard, but there is a certain amount of relief that comes with no longer anticipating the end and being able to tackle the aftermath of their loss and start the healing process.

I had been doing that with W.  I started my grief process in November.  I started questioning things as the holiday season began. Around this time he had told me maybe we shouldn’t see each other (but then a couple of days later he reneged and said he meant physically.)  And then the holidays came and went and I never got so much as a phone call to say Merry Christmas or Happy New Year I began to question what was going on. Our relationship had basically turned into a new-aged version of pen pals, but in text form.  I knew something wasn’t right and so did my family and friends.  They noticed W’s absence during the holidays and began to question me about it.  I was questioning myself as to what was going on.  I started looking for answers and reading everything I could get my hands on.  I was grieving as I knew we were on the downhill slope.  This is when the doubts about his love and intentions towards me began to run rampant.  I felt abandoned during this time, lost, confused, and hurt.  It is as clear as day now, that he had been trying to leave and back out of this relationship for a while, and that I was the one hanging on, not wanting to face the hurt or let him go.

I faced my anticipated grief head on when I ended things.  With that came a certain amount of relief in knowing that it is over and I can begin to heal. Today, I feel stronger.  I no longer feel like I am trying to force something that wasn’t meant to be.  I have begun to let go of some of things that I believed about he and I.  I am no longer waiting with anticipation for my phone to ring or waiting for a return text for hours.  I gave up a long time ago the belief that we were to be married and have a future together.  The longer he sat on the fence about getting a divorce, the more that reality became solid.

Yes, I still miss him.  Yes, it still hurts when I see or hear something that reminds me of him. Yes, the pain and greatness of my loss is still felt.  Yes, I still love him.  I think I always will.  It has been said that if it is true love it it will find a way.  I always believed that, and still do. I have just come to realize that it doesn’t apply to the lopsided love between a man and his mistress. With each passing day it gets a bit easier with minor set backs. I am starting to see the first ray of light at the end of this dark tunnel.  Tomorrow is a new day.


29 thoughts on “A week into NOT being the other woman anymore…

  1. Today was the first day I woke up and he was not my first thought. This is a huge movement forward and I was so giddy I did a little dance. LOL Yes, I am a bit goofy at times…First thing on my mind was my schedule for the day as I work this evening but promised my roommate I would make him dinner…so what time to I need to get to the grocery store … shower….cook …these were my first thoughts upon waking up…mundane but they were not of him…yaaayyyyyyyy to progress

  2. I won’t patronize you with “sunny side up” cliché’s because grieving is such a personal endeavor and even when we have all of the support in the world, we go through it alone. the ups and the downs and the aha moments. I completely agree with your statement that having platonic male friends (or rather friends of the opposite gender in general) is a great source of perspective-even when it’s a perspective we might not be ready to hear. The way you write about the longing, the awareness and the decision to move forward into the abyss of grief and back out is nothing short of honest, real and inspiring. It’s a journey and I’m humbled that you allow us to follow along. Tomorrow is your day, not just a new day. We are here for the ups and down of it all. Thank you for sharing {hugs}

  3. Platonic male friends are the best and keep it real. I have many especially one in particular that has made me being the the OW more able to let go of emotionally not completely but has opened my eyes to realizing many things I probably wouldnt have seen before. You are in the right pathway in healing.,. ((HHUUGGSS)))

  4. I’m so happy for you. I’ve yet to reach this stage for more than a day. It has been 4 months since I ended it, for the same reasons as you. Somehow, some way, I slip right back into missing him. I don’t act on it. I don’t speak to him. I just sit and miss him. Makes me so angry that I don’t know how to let go, especially since he did a log time ago.

  5. Wow. What a beautiful entry. Literally same thing happened to me. In retrospect, you look back and think, “What is wrong with me? When did I lose my sense of self worth and self-respect?” Thank you for sharing.

    • Crystal, I had to go back and read this post because it feels like a lifetime ago. W and I are seeing each other again. We are doing “the dance.” I’m sure you know what that is like. However, I haven’t forgotten what this time period felt like in my life. It was a dark time for me. Thanks for reading and commenting! 🙂

  6. I am 2.5 years into a relationship with an older married man. I have recently began to feel the emotion of jealousy and envy over his wife. He has never promised he was leaving and our relationship will end when he retires next year and moves back home. I feel sick, I don’t know how to end it and i think that I live with hope that we will be together. I don’t understand, if he loves me as much as he says that he does why he wouldn’t be with me long-term future. Do men really stay with their wives so that they don’t end their life with it being in divorce, losing family ties, financial reasons, etc?

    • I’m not sure why men don’t leave, but women are way more likely to leave an unhappy marriage. Just as they lie to their wives, they lie to us too. I have learned that there are two components to a relationship…love and attachment…love brings people together, attachment keeps them together. You can have attachment without love, and love without attachment. Attachment creates feelings of belonging, responsibility, commitment, etc…Attachment feelings are way harder to sever than love. Men compartmentalize things easier than women, so I think they are able to separate the two easier. If he isn’t talking about leaving his wife the chances he is even considering it are about zero. I think you have two choices. Either accept this relationship for what it is, or move on…This is the situation most OW find themselves in…and most of us don’t like either choice. It is extremely difficult and I am sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. I am struggling with letting go too, but I know that I must. The reality of this being all there is has finally set in and I no longer hope for a future. It’s funny when the hope is gone, the butterfly feelings go away and you really start to see them for what they are. It’s a blessing in some ways, as a future without them doesn’t seem as terrible. And where hope dies in one area it will then grow in another area…i.e., I am starting to believe that there is a future out there that doesn’t include him finally and I can be happy, better than this,because the reality is he is not being fair to you or his wife…both of you are being treated poorly when you think about it. Have you told him you want a future? If so, what was his response?

  7. My Dad of leaving was Yesterday, So today is Day one and its been hard to let know i still find myself thinking about him and wondering if i even did the right thing but i know i did, i couldnt carry on living in hope that one day he will change towards me or he will leave he wife etc but it will never happen, whats hurts the most is that this thing does not even effect him one bit he all happy and ok and i hate him for that, i wish at times that he could feel
    what i am feeling just for a moment then maybe he would understand but once again he
    will never know

    i know this Road i am take wont be a easy one but its will be worth it in the end.

    • Are you Miss Parker too? It will get easier but not overnight. Keep plugging ahead. It is like eating an elephant. You do that one bite at time and before you know it, you’ll be on the other side. I hope you are feeling better. Big Hug!

      • Thank you to everyone for the Message of Motivation it Means alot to me, Today is Day 4 and its gotten a bit better ive try to keep busy which helps to take my mind off this, but as i was traveling to work this morning, things around me would Just pop up out of the blue that would Remind me of him i guess thats Just part of the process there will always be Reminds

      • Yep! They are called triggers. Little things that will pop up that remind you of him. Hey! Let’s celebrate you are at day 4! That is awesome…and hard…and sucks! However, you are being strong and that is not easy. So, celebrate the victories. Let yourself endulge right now…to get through this. Be proud and hold your head up, because being day 4 is not easy!

        Hugs to you lady!

      • Its been a few days since i last Posted anything on here about whats been going on well its now been 11 days and well in those days there has been contact Not from myside but from his tho, he wanted to know how i am doing and since he came to know i was ill he asked about he health etc and that he throughts are with me and keep asking what the Docotors said etc, Seem very worried and seem to care which is weird but i wont Read into much into it i just need to carry on like i am.

      • Well, I am not saying he isn’t concerned about your health, but sometimes they will use that as excuse to stay in contact. If you really want to get away ignoring him will go a long way. You’re being strong! I hope you are feeling better.

      • So very true in what you saying hey, he seem to be very different Now tend to care more and wanting to know if i am ok etc, I think things are hitting him hard now because he know this for Real and Not just me saying it but never left him.

        This Pass few weeks has allowed me to see things in a so much different light altho a part of me still miss him apart of me wants to go back apart of me wants to fight

        But what is the use of that hey.

        health wise i am doing a bit better ive got some Blood Test i need to Go for i hope that all Go well.

        Have a Stunning Day

      • Hi

        its been a while since I’ve posted a update about how far ive come with this whole thing of not being the other woman, well its not been all that Great

        we started chatting more and more and the Phone calls etc and we end up meeting again and things happened

        so i guess im back to where i started, we still like we were before and I’m back to take that treatment from him.

        its been almost a week since I’ve last spoken to him now, there was a bit of a fight so im still angry with him..

        i must be one crazy woman to allow all this again and making the excuse of saying that i love him so deeply still is not right. No man should be worth all this

        but i just cant help myself, I even started Dating other guys not that worked out well, all just end up being bad one.

        I’m Not to sure where to from here on out???

        I was told by him that i try to forget i knew someone like you but i just couldnt i guess thats just he way of bring me back so that i dont let go

        ERRRR this Man Really

  8. Yesterday was my Day of letting Go. So Today is Day One
    Its Not been easy i must say,i still find myself missing him alot and have some kind of hope that things will change but it wont it never will and that hurts alot

    I know what i did was the right thing because things would have never changed
    he would have never left he family, he would never love me the way he loved her
    i still keep asking myself did i do the right thing in letting Go should i have held one just one more time but i couldnt keep living like that it started hurting to much

    My Road ahead of me is going to be a very hard and hurtful one but it will be worth it.

    I Just for one moment wished he could feel what i am feeling maybe then he would understand!!!

    • I hope you are feeling better. I don’t think love is the thing that brings people together. Committment and attachement are what hold them together. When a man has a lot of attachement and feelings of responsibilities towards his family and wife, they never leave that. This isn’t about love, sweetie, it is about a whole lot more. However, things will get better, but it might take a while. Hugs!

  9. So very true in what you saying hey, he seem to be very different Now tend to care more and wanting to know if i am ok etc, I think things are hitting him hard now because he know this for Real and Not just me saying it but never left him.

    This Pass few weeks has allowed me to see things in a so much different light altho a part of me still miss him apart of me wants to go back apart of me wants to fight

    But what is the use of that hey.

    health wise i am doing a bit better ive got some Blood Test i need to Go for i hope that all Go well.

    Have a Stunning Day

    • I’m glad you are feeling stronger! Power on! They sometimes come running harder when they know you mean it and have left for good. In some ways that makes us feel better, but in other ways it is harder. I hope you hang in there!

  10. I am a lesbian and was in a relationship just like this. I finally made the decision myself to stop being the other woman. Lesbian relationships can occur this way just like others. She wasn’t married but living with her fiancé (who wouldn’t marry her but they kept sharing a roof and a bed). We were friends when she started dating this woman. I had to keep hearing about how wonderful she was and how much in love she was with this other woman. I was so jealous of her fiance because she got to have her. I finally stopped longing for her and moved on. Then one day she texted me to tell me the relationship wasn’t so good and that this woman turned out to be all wrong. That’s when she started flirting with me. She kept telling me how unhappy she was in the relationship and how badly her fiance treated her. She would want to have date nights with me whenever her fiance was out of town. I did it all though I felt really bad for doing so. I never wanted to hurt her fiance or anyone but my love for this woman was so strong as you described. She kept telling me how I was the one for her and how much she loved me. She kept telling me that she looked forward to the day we would be married. But her actions didn’t back up her words. She wasn’t doing anything to get out of her relationship and break things off with her fiancé. She kept saying she was afraid to leave the relationship even though friends offered her alternatives. She would then come up with another excuse not to leave. Finally the guilt of sneaking around behind her fiancé’s back, the fact that my life was passing by while I was waiting on the sidelines and feeling like a played fool took it’s toll. Like you did, I kept seeing her as perfect because we both wanted the same things out of life and had the same goals. I wanted to be married and have a family and so did she. I hadn’t met many lesbians that wanted this. Her fiance wasn’t giving her any of this and wasn’t meeting her needs. But then I realized how imperfect she was because I was ultimately getting someone unfaithful. I realized if she can cheat on her fiancé with me that she could later cheat on me with someone else. I started to feel sorry for her fiancé too. Going to bed with her every night and not realizing what was going on behind her back. No way. I don’t need to be part of that. This isn’t something I would want to hear about let alone be involved in. It was very hard but I finally ended things. It’s only Day 3 and I understand what you mean about missing them. She hasn’t texted or tried to call me which speaks volumes. However, I don’t plan on giving in. We’ve been doing this for a long time and it’s very hard to go miles with someone and then turn around and walk back alone. But I have to. It’s clear she doesn’t love me the way I love her. But somewhere out there is a woman who will. I just need to give myself time and things will work out for the best. I’m proud of you for what you’ve done in taking those first steps because I’m there myself. Get out there and find a single man who’ll make you the ONLY woman in his life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s