Home » After Break Up » Friends and sparks of hope…

Friends and sparks of hope…

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This past week I have allowed myself the time to grieve and be angry.  I have had some amazing friends lend me their support and their very priceless ears and shoulders. Some of these are new friends going through much of what I am, some of them are old friends.  It never ceases to amaze me the beauty that can be found in friendship.  Each one of them have brought me some comfort and have begun to fill the void that was left by the departure of my sweet W.  It is very faint, but the spark of hope for a fulfilling future is beginning to emerge.  It has been said you find who you are and what you are made of in facing your biggest fears head on.  I am doing what W found impossible to do, and that is face my biggest fear head on.  That realization gave me sense of power that was once taken from me by being his OW.

Letting go of W and allowing him to let me go was one of the biggest fears I have ever had in my life.  I knew that for us to move on we would have to let go completely.  The thought of never speaking to him, touching his face, rubbing his arm, looking into his eyes, smelling his wonderful skin seemed so overly depressing and incomprehensible that even considering it felt like ice cubes coursing through my veins.  The thought of a life without him seemed empy, lonely, bleak and without joy. As I let go of him I was faced with the questions of:

Can I find a love like this again?

Can I find another man attractive again?

Can I laugh and feel at ease like I did with W with another man?

Can I find someone who enjoys the things I do?

Can I let go of a love of this magnitude?

Can I live a happy life without W?

Can I ever be happy again without him?

Tonight through a friend’s encouragment, I began the beginnings of allowing myself to be open to the possibilities of other men.  I did have a nice conversation with a gentleman that I had never met and he made me laugh, made me smile, and he told me I was beautiful.  For the first time in a very long time I felt desired.  And you know what?  It felt good.

You see, even though W told me he desired me and wanted me and made me feel special in his presence, the reasons for his absence from me told me another story.  He wasn’t with me, because he was home with another.  He wasn’t available to me, because he belonged to another. He hid me in the shadows from his friends and family like something to be ashamed of. Those things made me feel less than desirable, valued, special and important.  They made me feel second rate, because I was.

Though I still miss him and my soul longs for him, the glimmer of hope that I can be happy without him is peeking its head up from the depths of darkness I have been living in for months.  There is a flicker of optimism that I CAN find comfort, love, peace, laughter, joy and companionship in the arms of another man is starting to find a place to take root in the vacancy of my heart that W left behind.  My friend told me it will come once I open my heart up to the possibility of letting another love me.  My friend was right.  Tonight, I saw the possibilities in the seemingly impossible.

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13 thoughts on “Friends and sparks of hope…

    • I knew what you meant..;) and I won’t..and I don’t want to. The love we shared while huge, wasn’t healthy. Love is reciprocal in nature, at least between two people in a relationship. The love that a married man bestows upon us is not healthy or complete because what they offer us is limited by their commitment to.their wives. The cycle of love that can culminate in a consummate, agape love will never exist and can’t until they can love you free of the constraints of their marriage. I want the whole kit and caboodle this next go round.

  1. I’m having a rough week Rambles and it’s only Monday.
    God that question freaks me out. Today l caught myself looking at him and wondering l love this man so much how am l ever going to get past this love? l’m so scared that if l ever do fall in love again he will fall short of his ‘wonder’ because of the closure we were denied as you so aptly wrote about yesterday.

    • Im sorry sweetie. It has to be hard seeing him every day. I understand hard weeks. Once, you open yourself up to allowing somebody else to occupy the real estate he is occupying in your heart you wont long for him any longer. It has been said that if it is true love it will find a way. He has moved on in his life, and you can to. If he finds himself single and you arent, chances are you wont long for him anymore, and if you do then tbe choice is yours to make to be with him. But dont stop living and loving because you wait for him.he is.t waiting for you. You being single and available hasnt convinced him to leave. Allow yourself to love, and be loved and be happy. Id give you a great big squeeze if I could.

  2. God that is so so far from my mind at the moment. I feel like l’m living and moving forward but it’s kind of an empty existance. I’m so tired of the setbacks. Just when you feel good and you’ve put the whole sorry saga behind you get whacked again and again. I don’t even know why l feel down this time.

    • I really think that is because you see him at work. You never really get to get away from it or him. I know that with W, I would get to a point that I was OK, then I would see him and it was like someone hit the reset button. We were long distance. I still longed for him between visits, but it was nothing like it was right after he would leave me after a visit. This time of year is also, uck! Going through all the holidays from Halloween through Valentine’s Day, but you made it through…There is victory! As the weather warms it will get better, sweetie. I promise. You need something to occupy the space he left when things ended. You can honor how very special he was to you and how beautiful and special your’s and his love was/is and still move on without dishonoring it. People do it all the time when their spouses die. A thought occured to me the other day. In my head, I thought the amount of suffering I did was and should be equal to amount of love I felt for W. But I have come to realize that does not have to be true. I don’t know if that makes sense but I found myself with that thought rolling through my head the other day. Almost like there is a certain amount mourning that should occur for different types of love and strengths of love. There are no rules for that, and feeling better does not mean your love was not huge, it just means you are healing. The amount of suffering does not prove how much you love/loved him…How much you love/loved him is all that is needed to know that. I can honestly feel your heartache in your words and all I can say it will get better. I promise. It always does.

  3. Once you’ve been denied and he has failed you l think the magic is lost Rambles. I have accused him many a time of killing the wonder and magic of what was us. So my ideas of coming together later, they too are lost. How do you ever stand tall next to him again having seen his weakness and lack of courage to stand up for you. I’d always be wondering when or what would make him cave next.

    • The magic is lost once you realize that the man that claims to love you will not do what is necessary to respect you and honor you and your feelings for each other. Allowing us to be the OW and putting us in the shadows, and going home to their spouses goes against the love the say they feel. That is why we get tormented in these affairs, because their words and actions are so conflicting. Being the OW is not a place of honor, it is a place of dishonor and just them allowing us (somebody they claim to be madly in love with) makes us question everything about them and our love. It is hard to stand tall next to someone knowing that they are capable of so much disregard to your feelings. They say they can’t help it, that the circumstances are such that they can’t. I can’t… meaning I won’t. We are all aware that that is what it means on some level. Yet, they will put us there and deny us a place of honor and freely give it to another. There is always that sense of betrayal and sting within the love you share. It is the kind of love (between a man and his misress) that knocks you down instead of builds you up. You’re right he did kill the wonder and magic by not taking a stand for you and the love you shared with him. The reason you feel this way is because that’s how it is. It is a lopsided love. Coming to terms with that over these past few months is what made me put an end to things and finally stand up for myself. It was self-preservation. In the end he made the choice to love his wife, and I chose to end things and love me more. It still hurts like hell, but with each day it is getting easier. Again big hug. I left my email if you want to reach out beyond the blogging world if you ever need an ear or talk something through. I feel like I found sisterhood with us. 🙂

  4. So glad I found you. Much to learn here. Need to take time to read over everything one day at a time. It’s heavy, you know? My head is spinning a little. The comments are helpful too.

    • Thatnks for reading and commenting. It is a heavy, heavy subject…that is for sure. It’s funny you say that as I sometimes find my “light bulb” moments in the comments that are made and that I make. Every day is one step at a time and as you begin to unravel the mess it becomes clearer and clearer. I found I couldn’t do that while I was caught up in the affair. I had to step away and get out of it before I could even begin to see what was really going on. It’s a painful, but enlightening journey. Reach out any time you need to. Big hug!

  5. “He hid me in the shadows from his friends and family like something to be ashamed of.” This was the final straw for me….unbearable

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