This past week I have allowed myself the time to grieve and be angry. I have had some amazing friends lend me their support and their very priceless ears and shoulders. Some of these are new friends going through much of what I am, some of them are old friends. It never ceases to amaze me the beauty that can be found in friendship. Each one of them have brought me some comfort and have begun to fill the void that was left by the departure of my sweet W. It is very faint, but the spark of hope for a fulfilling future is beginning to emerge. It has been said you find who you are and what you are made of in facing your biggest fears head on. I am doing what W found impossible to do, and that is face my biggest fear head on. That realization gave me sense of power that was once taken from me by being his OW.
Letting go of W and allowing him to let me go was one of the biggest fears I have ever had in my life. I knew that for us to move on we would have to let go completely. The thought of never speaking to him, touching his face, rubbing his arm, looking into his eyes, smelling his wonderful skin seemed so overly depressing and incomprehensible that even considering it felt like ice cubes coursing through my veins. The thought of a life without him seemed empy, lonely, bleak and without joy. As I let go of him I was faced with the questions of:
Can I find a love like this again?
Can I find another man attractive again?
Can I laugh and feel at ease like I did with W with another man?
Can I find someone who enjoys the things I do?
Can I let go of a love of this magnitude?
Can I live a happy life without W?
Can I ever be happy again without him?
Tonight through a friend’s encouragment, I began the beginnings of allowing myself to be open to the possibilities of other men. I did have a nice conversation with a gentleman that I had never met and he made me laugh, made me smile, and he told me I was beautiful. For the first time in a very long time I felt desired. And you know what? It felt good.
You see, even though W told me he desired me and wanted me and made me feel special in his presence, the reasons for his absence from me told me another story. He wasn’t with me, because he was home with another. He wasn’t available to me, because he belonged to another. He hid me in the shadows from his friends and family like something to be ashamed of. Those things made me feel less than desirable, valued, special and important. They made me feel second rate, because I was.
Though I still miss him and my soul longs for him, the glimmer of hope that I can be happy without him is peeking its head up from the depths of darkness I have been living in for months. There is a flicker of optimism that I CAN find comfort, love, peace, laughter, joy and companionship in the arms of another man is starting to find a place to take root in the vacancy of my heart that W left behind. My friend told me it will come once I open my heart up to the possibility of letting another love me. My friend was right. Tonight, I saw the possibilities in the seemingly impossible.