This past summer when W so tenderly expressed his love for me and his intentions towards me to make me his wife and life’s partner. I responded to him, “I will honor you and your feelings with my words and actions.” I made him a promise to do that. To honor him. To honor the vulnerable state to where love can render you, I have tried to do that. Crying, again. To honor him. What does honor really mean? Did I keep my promise to him.
Noun 1. I did give him a place of great honor in my life. I hung him at the center of my life and world. I suppose, I failed in the end. As I told him I couldn’t do this I had to slip him out of the place of honor to make room for healing and hopefully someone new, when I am ready. I didn’t want to. It was out of sheer self-preservation I HAD to. But nonetheless I failed on this one.
Noun 2. A great privledge. I do feel I gave him a great privilege. Being the other woman has been a huge hit to my pride, self worth, dignity, self esteem, moral compass, self value…I do ‘think’ I am someone of value (I don’t feel like it now, I feel quite the opposite. crying again). I know that I will feel more “valuable” once the feelings of rejection and abandonment subside. I do feel I am a person, correction a woman, who is worthy of so much, and do think I tried to honor him by giving myself to him fully. What he chose to do that with that I cannot be accountable, but I do know I gave him the privelege (though right now it doesn’t feel like I was worth much) of me. The thought of thinking that I wasn’t enough, still haunts the deepest parts of my psyche.
Verb 1. He was my world. The center of it. I held him in extremely high regard, and had/have so much admiration and respect for him. I would have done anything for him. I tried desperately to do that. Even through everything, I still regard him highly and love him dearly. Even though I feel chewed up, raw, naked and broken by the relationship he bestowed upon me, I still believe he is a person of value deserving of forgiveness, and worthy of love. I still see the good in him, even while I hurt like hell right now. I still love him.
Verb 2. I do feel like I honored the terms of our commitment. We discussed in great detail the plans we had, a timeline for execution, feelings that would occur, what to expect, what he truly wanted and expected, etc… He assured me, repeatedly. I didn’t renege on the agreement. He changed the terms on me without telling me.
Did I honor his feelings and commitment to me? Yes. He was a true gift to me. He was my gift from God, my blessing, my world. His loss is still felt with such crippling sadness and utter sorrow. Nothing can describe the magnitude with which this grief has shaken me to my very core. The avalanche of despair and sorrow I feel at the most inopportune times that complete consumes and brings me to my knees reminds me of the great love I had/have for him. Realizing someone you love so completely, but in the end, can and will in fact leave you, and choose to live without you will paralyze you in pain. Realizing that you weren’t important or of value to them can you leave you with such feelings of abandonment that it completely engulfs you. The thing that sucks the most is his is the only comfort that will make it stop, but it is their choice to abandon you that is causing you to grieve. There is irony in that.
My friend said it best to me, “In the end, he realized how much he truly valued and loved his wife, and that was more than you.” The truth in that statement permeates through me as I muddle through these dark hours alone and allow my hard reality to take hold. I wasn’t his heart’s desire, the love that we had wasn’t what I thought it was…The sting of reality hits me in the heart with every breath I take right now.
The tears that gave me some reprieve yesterday have found me again today, and my half hearted smile has been replaced with grief again. Tomorrow is a new day, Tomorrow is a new day.