Ugh…I am really beginning to loathe this day. I have never been a fan of this day, but the last several years this day has been particularly snarky to me. I don’t think even happy couples love this day. I have heard my women and male friends complain of the pressure to make it important enough. For those of us who are going through bad relationships, it is just a cutting reminder of what we don’t have or think we should have.
In my current state of mind and missing my sweet W so much right now, today seems unbearable to face. I had a plan to be out of town. Packed and ready to go this morning and then the powers that be canceled the trip due to weather. So, I am left with only my thoughts today, that I can’t seem to turn off.
Getting away from the “signs” of love will be near impossible. It is the google homepage, it is in the stores in the form of balloons, flowers, candies, candles, clothes, etc…, it is my Facebook newsfeed, my WordPress newsfeed, it is my children as they are eager to celebrate. It is everywhere, taunting me, reminding me of what I have lost.
Today, marks a year that I heard his beautiful voice for the first time. That voice has sung to me, told me he loves me thousands of times, and has called me angel, boo, baby, honey, sweetheart and sugar. It is is the same voice that asked me to please be his wife countless times. The thought that I will never hear it again, crushes my soul at the moment. Crying, again. My voicemails only save for so long and it has been since November that he left me a voicemail. They were like presents. I used to listen to them over and over again until finally my phone would just delete them as they would get too old to be resaved. I haven’t had a voicemail to listen to in a very long time.
Today as I am forging on without him, he is on my mind constantly. He always is. For a complete year he has been my first thought upon waking, my last thought before sleeping and almost every thought in between. I hope as I move down this road that will change. This morning the first thing I did upon opening my eyes was cry, again. That’s a first, I have never done that. The thought of him a few months back used to bring me so much joy that I thought my heart burst. Then in more recent months I would cry because of the coolness, the indifference I felt from him, and the distance that had replaced the closeness I once shared with him. I cried because I missed him, missed us. It was as if someone had extinguished the fire he once felt for me within him…can I get a little of that please? Today I just cry because of the loss that is him. I can’t describe the pain I feel, there are no words.
In my last text to him, I told him I needed to allow our love to die and instead of trying to make it grow. (crying again, will the tears ever stop). I told him it went against everything in me. I’m trying to learn to be indifferent to him. Trying not to care that he is spending Valentine’s day with his wife, the rightful person who should be with him, and trying not to think about the how sweet he hi probably being to her and things of that nature…He is sweet, sweet man. I’m trying not to care, trying to be happy for him and for her. But I am human and I do care. I hurt like hell at those thoughts.
I wish this was as easy for me as it is for him. He says it’s not, but he never struggled with the good byes like I did. He didn’t seem to have the same need to stay connected the way I did. He seemed at ease and comfortable in the new distance that materialized between us. He seemed happy with the arrangement of having me in the wings. His desire to be with me all the time had diminished, and his resolve had softened.
My mom said I looked like somebody had died yesterday, quite frankly it feels like someone has died. She said I looked like I had lost my best friend…cause I have. She’s called several times since I left, because she is worried about me. Then she decided I needed chili. Yes, because chili fixes everything. I didn’t have the courage to tell her it wouldn’t stay down so I took it home with me.
What a difference a week makes. One week he was here next to me, the next he is has just disappeared completely. I see him everywhere in my space. It’s like I am haunted by the memories. Could that have really just been a week ago?
So, I will spend this Valentine’s Day without my sweet W, and he will spend it with his wife. I hope at some point I can quit crying in the near future.
Happy Valentine’s Day W. I love you.