The thought for this post came to me as I was discussing it with friends. Less like a discussion and more like a free flow of thoughts from me. My mind has been all over the place these days.
For months I saw myself as having two options either accept things the way they are, or leave. I hated my options. Neither option appealed to me. Both were horrific to think about. What I really wanted was for my hurt to end. Staying in things the way they were was a slow drip of nearly constant pain, that continuely got worse and threatened the beauty and the memory that was W and I. I am a very compassionate person and I love him with everything in me, but my anger and resentment at him kept growing because he did nothing to ease or help with my pain. He was in control of this, and I was powerless to make the necessary changes that I needed to be happy with him. I saw it as him denying me what he had promised me. And, what he promised me he easily gave to others, while denying me. The angrier I got the more he shirked away from me, which made the hurt, pain, anger and resentment worse, thus forming an ugly cycle.
Ending things. God, the idea of that is still unbearable even as I am in the midst of it. At moments the pain is so strong, and other times I feel numb. I know on some level the pain is there for him too, but I know he is not experiencing this like me. He would have made the changes if he was. He would have done anything to avoid the pain I am going through in this moment if he was hurting like I am. One of my friends mentioned that I keep saying “If he loved me, he would do…” There is some truth in that, but not the way she meant it. She said I am looking at his actions and comparing them to what I would do. I don’t know. I think there are certain actions that are a given when you love and care for someone. I think his actions or lack of action speaks volumes above his words. His actions say one thing, his words say another. Kind of like that phrase, “put your money where your mouth is.” In all the books and articles on affairs they counsel to look at his actions and not his words. His actions show me where his heart lies. I’m not asking him to prove that he loves me by doing XYZ. I’m looking for him to show me he loves me and cares about our relationship.
I wanted him to make the necessary changes to let us move forward in our love and relationship with one another. He thinks he would have to leave his children (which are mostly adult children), rest assured that is not what I want at all. I believe, and know he can have both, a fulfilling relationship and be good father who is present and vested in his children. I did want him to make good on his promises to me. I wanted him to show me that he valued me and our relationship. I wanted him to take action instead of making promises or giving me reasons for why he couldn’t do what he had promised. If he was struggling with something I wanted him to look for a solution to overcome the obstacle, instead of using the obstacle for why he couldn’t. I wanted him to fight for me, for us. i wanted him to continue to move forward, instead of taking steps back and accepting defeat. I didn’t ask for the promises he offered up, he did those on his own voluntarily, without pressure from me. I wanted him to take the leap and trust me and us, like I did. I leaped without him, but I didn’t know it at the time. I was trying to fight for him, for us. I didn’t know how to fight anymore, and to be honest I realized it wasn’t my fight, it was his.
I wanted him to love me enough. Let me repeat, I wanted him to love me enough to do this for me and for us. I wanted him to love me.
I wish I could go back six months ago. I can’t. I am left with the brokeness that is now us. The words and exchanges between us have been different for a few months now. I realize as I was appealing for change from him in the last few months, I was appealing to the W of six months ago, but my appeals were falling on deaf ears, as the W of today was hearing my appeals. The W of six months ago would have moved mountains to stay by my side. I don’t really know the W of today. He and I are not that close. I don’t know what changed, or why it changed. I will probably never know. I just know that I am left to grieve it alone without my dearest friend of a few months back that was my sweet, sweet W.