Home » During Break Up » I feel miserable…

I feel miserable…

My title sums it up.  I can’t seem to land in one emotion.  I am either so sad I can’t think.  So angry I can’t see, maybe furious or enraged might be better words.  Then I seem to just slump back down into a black abyss that is my life right now.  I have so much to do and I can’t seem to focus on anything.  I can’t find anything that seems to ease this pain.  Nothing seems to comfort me.  I talked to my friend earlier, but I had to hang up, because I wasn’t really in the mood to talk and the conversation seemed like more effort than I could muster.  

I just want my life back six months ago.  I want my friend and lover back.  I want to be making wedding plans and talking about blending our familes.  I loved my illusion of love and intimacy. I loved my ignorant bliss. I loved beig pampered by him with words, visits, phone calls.  I loved how romantic he was with me, how convincing he was.  I loved thinking about how happy our lives were going to be.  I loved it when the dream seemed real and that it was going to happen. Back then I would have bet my life savings that this would never happen to us. I never thought that I wouldn’t be his choice.  I never thought he would let me go, back then. I truly felt like we were each other’s destiny, that we were star-crossed lovers, brought together by God, universe, or the higher powers that be. I honest to God, thought he was my perfect match, my soul mate, my gift from God.  I wouldn’t have continued to be with him if I had thought otherwise.

I want to go scream a great big F*CK YOU to the world/sky/universe right now.  Really scream it at the top of my lungs.  Shake my fists at the Universe and ask Why??  Why was I chosen to bear this, to meet this man, why did you allow my path to cross with him? Why me? Why did you make him fit my soul so completely if he wasn’t meant to be mine?    

Why the hell doesn’t he hurt like me? He seems shocked to discover that I have been miserable the last few months. Why was he not miserable the last few months?  Why was he not miserable being away from me through the holidays?  Why didn’t the distance that crept between us in our relationship bother him? How is he ok? Oh yeah, I forgot he was enjoying his wedded bliss at home, and getting me courtside. Things have been better in his home, and his need for me wasn’t as great.  His need for a fallback plan/Plan B, AKA me wasn’t there anymore. Everybody is happy, except me, the collateral damage.  Unfortunately, for me I gave him all of me, he was Plan A.  I don’t have plan B, I didn’t think I would need one.  I believed him, trusted him, loved him with everything I had. I bet he feels relieved.  Relieved it is over and he no longer feels weighted and pulled by a sense of duty to me. That stings. Stings to my core, to think I meant that little to him. This is my punishment, karma biting me in the ass for falling in love with a married man. 

He says he is sorry he hurt me and caused me pain.  Some how that just makes it worse to hear him say that, as if that is enough to make up for the gaping hole in my chest. I don’t know what he could say to make me feel better, but sorry seems so small for the hurt that was done, for the grief I feel right now.  What does sorry even mean?  I feel betrayed, victimized and powerless.  And because I was his OW I don’t even feel justified in my feelings, I feel like asked for this, because I continued to be with him even after I knew he was married! I ignored all the red flags and jumped in with him anyways. I feel like it is my fault. 

I said I would write something more eloquent and it’s not. This is just completely raw emotions that I had to get out.  Sorry.

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12 thoughts on “I feel miserable…

  1. I just started reading you and I am so sorry for your pain. You should know that you did matter but not to the standards of what we believed in. You mattered to him and he will miss you for something that feels special is not easily forgotten. Men just hide it better than we know.

  2. You are your plan A and always will be…I will never let another person to be my Plan A again nor should you….we will get through this…there is a blogger I am going to reblog her latest entry as it is one that brings me great hope

  3. I am so sorry for your pain *HUG*.
    We are here to give you support and you are definitely not alone.
    You know what? You are no longer powerless, you have taken over the reins and chose to walk out of this impossible situation. You have become powerful!
    This is the first major step… there are more to come!
    Hang in here! You can do it! *Hug*

    • I wish I felt as powerful as you see it. Right now I feel brought to me knees with the grief. It feels paralyzing and crippling. I know it will get better though. Thanks so much for your encouragement. I need to get over to your blog and read what is going on with you. I admit I don’t see much if it doesn’t show up in my WordPress reader. I can’t follow a blogger acct on here I don’t think? Are you doing ok?

  4. My heart breaks for you. I’ve been crying (sobbing) with you. I’ve been in a very similar situation for three years now and have not had the courage to walk away. I admire your strength and thank you for sharing. And I pray that you will feel a little bit better every day. You’re amazing and no-one/nothing can take that away from you.

  5. He’s feeling it Rambles. He’s just a coward. He’s crippled by the fear. Don’t allow his fear to dimish what you believe to be true… what you felt. Don’t allow his fear to fuck with your mind. Don’t allow him to strip you of your self-belief and make you believe there is something wrong with the way you love or the vulnerability you showed. To use your words he’s the “cracked egg” not you.

    • Great reminders. Thanks for the reminders. Sometimes in the midst of grief one’s mind can travel down the rabbit hole. Ugh. He is a cracked egg…I think they (MM) all are. The BS and OW typically go toe to toe and the MM, kind of sits back and watch both women spiral down. Not always, but a lot of times. Not fair.

      I got some sleep and that helped too.

  6. Wow! Reading your story was like reading my diary. I have been experiencing EXACTLY the same thing. I believed V was my soulmate brought toe by God and destined to be my husband. He was married when we met but left his wife straight away to be with me. We spent over a year together in the deepest most profound, healthiest relationship either of us ever had…… 4 months ago he left me to return to his ex for the sake of his son. He totally abandoned me out of the blue …. Even after for the entire year he swore he’d NEVER return to her. He offered me the role if mistress, which I declined, and then went back into his marriage. After 4 months of the most intense pain I’ve ever had, he let me know he doesn’t want ANY communication with him at all as its ” too disturbing ” to his life. As the “OW”, I feel that society doesn’t have much empathy for what I’m experiencing . I might as well be wearing a scarlet letter and be stoned. Although I felt he was my true husband , much more than her, she met him first and they procreated. I have compassion for the family dynamic, but it was HIS choice to divorce her and I have never been involved with a married man before. I opened myself up to him more than I have with anyone and felt we were literally a perfect fit spiritually ,mentally, physically and emotionally… I was never so sure of anything. Now sitting in my despair, alone and broken, while he ” moved on” to his old life and seems ” happy”, I can’t help wondering why?. Why did God being us together in such a profoundly deep and powerful way only to split us apart? I’ve had my heart broken before, but NOTHING I’ve ever been through compares to this pain and shattering. I’m considering becoming a nun … Marrying myself to God . I’m not sure I can open up again to another man after this type of betrayal and abandonment.

    • I am so sorry to read of this. I don’t think any of us go into this wishing to be with a man who is married. It is an incredibly hard place to be. The pain can be unreal. He doesn’t sound like he really knows what he wants, and seems unstable. I can feel your pain all to well, and I am sorry you are going through this. Try not to make any big decisions while you are grieving… like becoming a nun. Eventually, it will get better. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it does. I have learned that unanswered prayers can be the best gift ever, that we sometimes don’t see until much later. Again, I am truly sorry. Thinking of you. I hope you find some peace.

      But

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