My title sums it up. I can’t seem to land in one emotion. I am either so sad I can’t think. So angry I can’t see, maybe furious or enraged might be better words. Then I seem to just slump back down into a black abyss that is my life right now. I have so much to do and I can’t seem to focus on anything. I can’t find anything that seems to ease this pain. Nothing seems to comfort me. I talked to my friend earlier, but I had to hang up, because I wasn’t really in the mood to talk and the conversation seemed like more effort than I could muster.
I just want my life back six months ago. I want my friend and lover back. I want to be making wedding plans and talking about blending our familes. I loved my illusion of love and intimacy. I loved my ignorant bliss. I loved beig pampered by him with words, visits, phone calls. I loved how romantic he was with me, how convincing he was. I loved thinking about how happy our lives were going to be. I loved it when the dream seemed real and that it was going to happen. Back then I would have bet my life savings that this would never happen to us. I never thought that I wouldn’t be his choice. I never thought he would let me go, back then. I truly felt like we were each other’s destiny, that we were star-crossed lovers, brought together by God, universe, or the higher powers that be. I honest to God, thought he was my perfect match, my soul mate, my gift from God. I wouldn’t have continued to be with him if I had thought otherwise.
I want to go scream a great big F*CK YOU to the world/sky/universe right now. Really scream it at the top of my lungs. Shake my fists at the Universe and ask Why?? Why was I chosen to bear this, to meet this man, why did you allow my path to cross with him? Why me? Why did you make him fit my soul so completely if he wasn’t meant to be mine?
Why the hell doesn’t he hurt like me? He seems shocked to discover that I have been miserable the last few months. Why was he not miserable the last few months? Why was he not miserable being away from me through the holidays? Why didn’t the distance that crept between us in our relationship bother him? How is he ok? Oh yeah, I forgot he was enjoying his wedded bliss at home, and getting me courtside. Things have been better in his home, and his need for me wasn’t as great. His need for a fallback plan/Plan B, AKA me wasn’t there anymore. Everybody is happy, except me, the collateral damage. Unfortunately, for me I gave him all of me, he was Plan A. I don’t have plan B, I didn’t think I would need one. I believed him, trusted him, loved him with everything I had. I bet he feels relieved. Relieved it is over and he no longer feels weighted and pulled by a sense of duty to me. That stings. Stings to my core, to think I meant that little to him. This is my punishment, karma biting me in the ass for falling in love with a married man.
He says he is sorry he hurt me and caused me pain. Some how that just makes it worse to hear him say that, as if that is enough to make up for the gaping hole in my chest. I don’t know what he could say to make me feel better, but sorry seems so small for the hurt that was done, for the grief I feel right now. What does sorry even mean? I feel betrayed, victimized and powerless. And because I was his OW I don’t even feel justified in my feelings, I feel like asked for this, because I continued to be with him even after I knew he was married! I ignored all the red flags and jumped in with him anyways. I feel like it is my fault.
I said I would write something more eloquent and it’s not. This is just completely raw emotions that I had to get out. Sorry.