After seeing that Facebook post by his wife last night all I could think about is how happy she is. Not that I begrudge her that, I’m glad that she isn’t suffering or hurting. I’m quite jealous and wish I could go back and not know everything that I know and live under the guise of ignorance, even if it means that I am living a lie. At least then I wouldn’t feel like I do right now.
I looked back through my blog since I started it a little over a month ago. 38 posts in all. There is not one happy one. I have been blogging trying to relieve some of the feelings I am dealing with in private. In public, I am a happy girl going through life. I talk with my friends, spend time with my children and family, engage in social activities. Most of the time I don’t feel like it, but I put on my happy face and force myself to get out there. This has been where I can come and spew forth my heartache, resentment, frustration and anger. What I see written in my posts are my most prominent feelings daily.
I have been carrying the heartache of my relationship with W. I’m the one who knows who he is and what he is capable of. He gives her what she needs and keeps her happy. I make him happy (or so he has told me hundreds of times), and he takes his happy self home and makes her happy. I am the one that is left heartbroken with the ugly truths. I carry the secrets, I bear the sacrifices to keep him happy. I sacrifice so much of myself for him, and he in turn takes it to her. I am not the benefactor of my sacrifice… he is and she is.
So, yes I want her ignorance. I wish I had him home with me every night and I didn’t have to know the truths that I know. I wish I could have her bliss. Her ignorant bliss. Her wedded bliss.